LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 



Shelf ..NiS... 



UNITED STATES OF AJIERICA. 



TEY-SQUAEE, 



CHURCH OF PRACTICAL RELIGION. 



By EEPOETER. 

• H4v . 



^•They're drivin' o' their spiles down now," says she, 
'*To the hard grennit o' God's fust idee." 

— LOWELIi. 




NEW YORK: 

THE TRUTH-SEEKER COMPACT, 
28 Lafayette Place, 



Copyrighted, 1887, 

BY 

The Teuth Seeker Company. 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 
The Paeson and Sawyee's Diffeeences, - 

CHAPTER n. 
A Beief Biogeaphy of Sawyee, 

CHAPTER m. 

A CONSPIEACY UnEAETHED, - - - 

CHAPTER lY. 

A CONSPIEACY CeUSHED, - _ - 

CHAPTER Y. 
Aims of the New Oeganization, 

CHAPTER YI. 
New Definitions, - 

CHAPTER YH. 
The Society in Opeeation, 

CHAPTER Yin. 
The Tey-Squaee Applied, . _ . 

CHAPTER IX. 
"What is Death ? — By-laws of the New Chtjeoh, 

CHAPTER X. 
Testing the Tey-Squaee Rule, 

CHAPTER XI. 

A Political Episode, 



iY CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER XII. 
Random Jots, - - - - - - 111 

CHAPTER XIII. 
Politics on Sunday, - - - - - * 127 

CHAPTER Xiy. 
Chukch Trials — Notorious Frauds, - - , - 145 

CHAPTER XV. 
Moral Problems, ------ 161 

CHAPTER XVI. 
More of Politics. - - - - - IP ^• 

CHAPTER XVII. 
Pension Frauds, Etc., ----- 209 

CHAPTER XVIII. 
DisoouBSE Upon Christ, Spirit, and Other Matters, - 229 

CHAPTER XIX. 
A New Party, ------ 254 

CHAPTER XX. 
Law Reform, 266 

CHAPTER XXI. 
CoifOLUsiON — So.oial Problems, - - - » 288 



PEEFACE. 



In preparing this volume for the press my work 
has been for the most part merely editorial. While, 
perhaps, in one sense, I might be truthfully called 
the author, yet I am not entitled to that distinction, 
and disclaim it. 

Having been a court stenographer, and prema- 
turely worn-out in the service, I had settled in Pin- 
ville to while away the remainder of my days only a 
short time before the events chronicled in these 
pages. In Pinville, and in the rural districts for 
miles around, " Uncle Job's new church " had been 
the "town talk" for weeks, and I resolved to attend 
the first meeting to see for myself what it all meant. 
Being at the meeting, and having pencil and paper, 
I took notes from mere force of habit ; and, becom- 
ing interested, I continued to take notes of subse- 
quent meetings until I had accumulated a vast mass 
of them. They had been carelessly thrown, from 
time to time, into an old box of odds and ends, where 
they remained until the idea struck me to give the 



vi 



PREFACE. 



cream of them to the world, in the belief that 
thousands outside of Pinville would be both in- 
terested and benefited thereby. 

So far as was consistent with my culling and prun- 
ing, I have left " Uncle Job's " plain blunt English 
just as it was delivered by him in his colloquial 
talks to his neighbors. Literary style was the 
farthest thing from his thoughts ; and, therefore, 
technical critics will have ample opportunity to find 
fault ; yet I have found, in many instances, that any 
effort of mine to polish his sentences only detracted 
from their strength. 

Very much matter, which seemed excellent when 
delivered, has been pruned away in the belief that 
the general public would not be particularly in- 
terested therein. But there will, doubtless, be 
critics to condemn me for not trimming away a 
great deal more. To such I can only plead that 
tastes and judgments differ, and that I have exercised 
my poor taste and judgment to the very best of their 
ability. I am aware that another editor could, and 
probably would, have made a very different book out 
of my material, but whether his book would have 
been better than mine is not for me to decide. 

For obvious reasons I have substituted fictitious 
names for the real ones ; and modesty compels me 
also to withhold my own name. 

To my mind the chief characteristic of Job 



PREFACE. 



vii 



Sawyer's work, and that which pre-eminently dis- 
tinguishes it from that of all other rejectors of 
orthodoxy, is that it is essentially affirmative and 
constructive, while theirs has been largely or wholly 
negative and destructive. 

As Mr. Sawyer frequently employs the word God 
in a sense differing so widely from ordinary usage as 
to possibly mislead the casual reader, I am led to 
call attention right here to his own definition and 
explanation on pages 43, 119, etc. ^ Eeporter. 

PiNviLLE.Feb., 1887. 



TBY^ SQUARE; OR, THE CHURCH OF 
PRACTICAL RELIGION. 



CHAPTEE I. 

THE PARSON AND SAWYER's DIFFERENCES. 

In the fall of the year 18 — , the Conference of the 
M. E. Church appointed Parson Brownwell to the 
charge at Pinville. He was a hearty, jovial, frank, 
free-and-easy, thoroughly good man — such a man 
as everybody likes at first sight, and continues to 
like. One morning after he had been in Pinville 
only a few weeks, he happened in at the place of 
business of one of his parishioners where Job Sawyer 
also chanced to be, and the following colloquy took 
place between them : 

Parson {extending Ms hand). Good-morning, Mr. 
Sawyer. 

Sawyer {shaking the proffered hand). Good-morning, 
Brother Brownwell. 

Parson {smiling). Why do you call me brother ? 

Sawyer {also smiling). Because I assume that you 
are, as jou ought to be, a co-laborer of mine in the 
great work of trying to make the world better. 

Parson. But they say you don't go to church. 
How can anybody who don't go to church be a 
co-worker with me? 

Sawyer. There are more ways than one to work in 
the same field. One plows, another sows, and yet 



10 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



others reap and garner tlie crop. But I do go to 
cliurcli whenever I think I can learn anything new 
or beneficial by doing so. I have been twice to 
hear you — once in the morning and once in the 
evening. I always give every new minister a fair 
. trial. 

Paeson {smiling graciously), "Well, what did you 
think of my preaching ? 

Sawyer. I liked your style very Avell, but you told 
the same old stories that I had heard ever since I 
was a boy, only you told them in your way. I don't 
wish to be understood as finding any fault in par- 
ticular with the old stories ; but it has been a good 
many years since I have found either profit or in- 
terest in them, and as I can spend my time more 
pleasantly and profitably at home, I usually stay 
there. 

Parson. But those old stories, as you call them, 
are none the less true because they are old. You 
don't dispute their truth, do you? 

Sawyer. I just said I didn't want to find fault with 
anything. Grant, if you please, that they are true ; 
they are no truer than the multiplication table, and 
no one would care to hear that repeated and sung 
and harped on forever. * There is such a thing as 
having too much of a good thing. I think I have 
graduated in that school. 

Parson. "What would you suggest for a change ? 

Sawyer. I don't know as it is within my province 
to make suggestions. I will say, however, that the 
universe of God is wide and high and deep and old, 
and many things have been revealed to man that ar§ 
neither mentioned in the Bible nor preached fron^ 



THE PARSON AND SAWYER. 



11 



the pulpit. All truth is God's truth and is sacred, 
whether found in the Bible or out of it. All untruth 
is not of God and is not sacred, even though it should 
be found in the Bible. The great want of this age 
is preachers with the wisdom and the courage to 
separate the untrue from the true, and to teach to 
the multitude the truth, the whole truth, and noth- 
ing but the truth. Men, women, and children are, 
and have been for ages, sinning and suffering through 
ignorance, and the church affords them no relief. It 
was prophesied that the time would come when the 
people should beat their swords into plowshares and 
their spears into pruning-hooks ; but in my opinion 
that time will never come until our churches shall 
be converted into school-houses, and the people 
instructed and educated therein in all the principles 
(physical as well as spiritual) that are involved in 
living a correct life in this world. 

Parson. I am glad to hear you talk as you do. I 
have revised my opinion of you already. I have 
heard you spoken of as an Atheist ; but I know that 
such talk as yours comes from a pure and- honest 
heart. Tou have just the right material in you to 
make a good Christian. 

Sawyer. I am pained to be compelled to say that 
some of your Christian brethren deem it no sin to lie . 
about me, simply because I am unable to agree with 
them in all their notions. I claim to be a religious 
man, and I think I have been such, in fact, for more 
than thirty years, but I have some notions that have 
not been borrowed from Luther or Calvin or Wesley 
or the Pope of Rome, and therefore I am not in good 



12 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



odor with bigoted simpletons who never conceived 
an original thought. 

Parson. Now, Mr. Sawyer, you claim to be a co- 
worker with me, and yet you admit that you stay at 
home taking your ease while I am laboring with my 
flock. If you don't like what we are doing in the 
churches, why don't you take hold and show us how 
to do something better ? For one, I shall be glad to 
have you do so, and I will promise to look on your 
work without prejudice, and I will adopt in my own 
practice anything that seems to me to be an improve- 
ment. 

Sawyer {dropping Ms head tlioiightfuUy). I think that 
point is well taken," as the lawyers say. I have 
heard it before, and I always thought it was a good 
point. I have been hoping and wishing for years 
that somebody would make a move in the right direc- 
tion ; but nobody moves, though millions are com- 
plaining that something is wrong. Since you have 
brought the matter home to me so forcibly, I think 
I will undertake, in my humble and uncouth way, to 
start a .reformation right here in Pinville. 

Parson. Good ! I will do all I can to help you in 
every good work. 

Sawyer. Thank you. I will commence to-day, and 
will see you again. Good-morning.- 

Parson. Good-morning. 



CHAPTEE 11. 



A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY OF SAWYER. 

Eeporter. As Job Sawyer (called " Uncle Job " by 
almost everybody) is the hero of this book, a brief 
description of him seems necessary, and it may as 
well be put in here as anywhere else. 

At the 'time mentioned in the previous chapter, he 
was about sixty years of age, in the most perfect 
health — height about five feet ten inches, weight 
about one hundred and seventy pounds — having a 
full head of iron-gray hair and full snow-white beard. 
In his youth and early manhood he had led a roving 
life, and had known much 

* ' Of moving accidents by flood and field ; 
Of hairbreadth 'scapes P the imminent, deadly breach." 

He had once been shipwrecked in the Arctic seas, 
while on a whaling voyage ; had been chosen by lot 
to be butchered for food for his companions, but a 
new ballot was ordered, by every voice except his 
own, because the doomed one had shown inventive 
powers which the party deemed indispensable to 
their salvation. Among other performances of his, 
on that voyage, it is related that before the wrecking 
he had successfully amputated a sailor's arm, the 



14 



TRY-SQUABE. 



ship's surgeon being dead. After the ship had gone 
down, and the whole party was in the boats without 
compass or food, he constructed a tolerable compass 
by unjointing the blade of his jackknife (which hap- 
pened to have been previously magnetized), and sus- 
pending it by a thread tied round its center of 
gravity. 

At another time he had been lost for two weeks in 
a " howling wilderness." It w^as in winter, a deep 
snow was on the ground, and he w^as alone, without 
food or shelter, and with no tool or weapon, except- 
ing the ever-present jackknife. He made j&res by 
striking sparks wdth the back of the closed knife- 
blade, from a flinty stone, into lint scraped .from the 
linen lining of his clothing. He killed small game 
with a bow and arrows made by him with the same 
jackknife, the bow being a dry hemlock limb, and 
the string a portion of the linen lining of his trou- 
sers. The worst part of his difficulty was that he was 
incumbered with a five-year-old child, but he saved 
the child as well as himself. 

On another occasion, he escaped unhurt from a 
burning hotel, in which many lives were lost. His 
room was in the fifth story, and before the alarm was 
given, the only place of egress (a winding staircase) 
was closed by the fire. He instantly began taking 
the cord out of his bedstead (that being before slats 
and spring mattresses were much used). . He an- 
chored one end of the cord, and threw the other out 
of the window ; but no sooner had he done so than 
it was seized by five persons all at once, who were 
standing paralyzed with fear in windows below his. 
The cord, being subjected to so great a strain, was 



BIOGKAPHY OF SAWYER. 



15 



instantly cut off by the sharp corner of his window- 
sill, and the fiye persons were dashed to the ground 
in a heap — three being killed, and two made cripples 
for life. Young Sawyer was now at his wits' end, 
but he lost no time in useless lamentation. Indeed, 
there was no time to be lost, for the flames were 
spreading rapidly, and smoke was pouring from 
nearly every window in the building. He fell to 
work tearing the sheets and bedticks into strips, and 
tying them together, end to end. In an incredibly 
short time he had constructed a rope of considerable 
length, and tying one end to the stub of bed-cord, 
which was already anchored, he swung himself over 
the sill and slid rapidly down to the end of his rope 
(which was about fifteen feet from the ground), 
whence he descended by a short ladder which per- 
sons on the ground had brought to his assistance. 
One minute later the flames from the windows would 
have burned his rope in two before he could have 
used it. 

All of these tales, and many others, are told by the 
village gossips with infinite detail. It would, no 
doubt, interest the reader to have more of the details 
of these incidents, but such matter is outside of my 
present .design. I only give sufficient to show the 
kind of stuff " Uncle Job " Sawyer is made of. 

By a lucky purchase of land in an early day, he 
had become rich," as his neighbors say, and he 
spent a good deal of his time in reading and study. 
For many years prior to my acquaintance with him, 
he had been a justice of the peace, but this was much 
against his own inclination. He would never allow 
a suit to be tried out before him if he could helj) it, 



16 



TRY-SQUARE. 



but would give the parties a good talking to," and 
tliey would generally settle their disputes in some 
way, and part on good terms, much to the disgust of 
the lawyers. 

He had a great natural fondness for machinery and 
the mechanical arts, and when examining any machine 
would frequently suggest an improvement. His 
neighbors say that very many of his suggestions, 
made in this way, have been the foundation for new 
patents, though never in his name, and it was seldom 
that the patentee would acknoiuledge proper credit. 

"Wherever he w^as known, he was famous as a 
strictly upright, honest, and conscientious man. He 
had some ideas on religious subjects which were pe- 
culiarly his own (as will in a measure appear in the 
following chapters), but he never obtruded these 
views upon others ; though, whenever it became 
necessary for him to speak his mind, in any place, 
he alwaj^s did so in such a way as to leave no doubt 
as to his exact position concerning the subject under 
consideration. Many excellent Christians who know 
him well, as well ministers as laymen, have great 
respect for his religious convictions ; but some of 
the narrow-minded sort call him an Infidel, or a 
Freethinker, or an Atheist, according to the whim 
which happens to possess them at the time, and 
these epithets are usually accompanied by adjectives 
more or less emphatic or profane. 

Even those who reviled him readily admitted his 
uncommon ability and genius ; and right here may 
be mentioned one of Uncle Job's characteristics : he 
was excessively modest, and seemed not to realize 
that he possessed any extraordinary power. He 



BIOGEAPHY OF SAWYEE. 



17 



made ho effort to be smart; but he was constantly 
expressing the grandest thoughts in the simplest man- 
ner and style. Like all great men, he did great 
things with the same ease that a small man would do 
a small thing. 

As I look back and read over the above sketch of 
Job Sawy^er, I feel that it is grossly inadequate, 
and even contemptible ; but I have crowded all I 
could into the space that I had set apart for that 
purpose, and the disappointed reader will have to 
look further into the book and see the picture which 
the old gentleman has drawn of Mmself. 



CHAPTEE in. 



A CONSPIEACY UNEAKTHED. 

Early in the afternoon of the day on which the 
dialogue related in the first chapter occurred, Uncle 
Job commenced to circulate and solicit signatures 
to a paper, of which the following is a copy : 

" We hereby organize ourselves into a society to 
be called * The Church of Practical Eeligion,' for the 
purpose of worshiping the True God, and teaching 
His Sacred Word to all the people ; and with the 
design of being finally incorporated as a* religious 
society under the general laws of the State." 

Uncle Job was very careful not to ask any person 
to sign his paper who had any blemish whatever 
upon his character or reputation. He asked several 
who were members of Christian churches, but all 
declined, though two or three of them said they 
wished the new project success. 

Every person to whom the paper was presented 
had to be fully informed, not only of the general 
object of the movement, but the colloquy with the 
Parson, related in the first chapter, had to be told 
over again and again, with a great deal more not 
necessary to repeat here ; and the result was that 



A CONSPIRACY UNEARTHED. 



19 



nearly a week of pretty diligent work elapsed before 
Uncle Job had entirely done the town." At last, 
however, he found that he had the names of eighteen 
men besides himself, and seven women, all of whom 
were persons of solid worth and excellent standing 
in the village of Pinville and its vicinity. 

It happened that one of the signers of the paper 
was the owner of the public hall of the village, and 
he tendered the use of it to the New Church free of 
charge. 

Uncle Job next gave out notice that the first regu- 
lar service of the New Society would take place in 
Benson's Hall on Sunday next, at 10 o'clock A.M., to 
which the public were cordially invited. 

In the evening preceding the Sunday which was to 
be the opening day for the New Church, Uncle Job 
was visited at his house by Mrs. Evener, a near 
neighbor, who was a member of the Methodist 
church, but nevertheless a firm believer in Uncle 
Job's sincerity and honesty of purpose. She had 
her work-apron thrown loosely over her head, and 
was greatly excited and out of breath. After a few 
hasty words of salutation and explanation, she deliv- 
ered herself in substance as follows : 

Mrs. Evener. Mr. Sawyer, I have been praying 
night and day for three days for God to show me my 
duty in regard to a matter which deeply concerns ' 
you, and I have at last found it to be my duty to ex- 
pose a plot concocted by Mr. Badsinner to disturb 
your meeting to-morrow. I mistrusted something 
was up by the way Mr. Evener acted, and by what he 
said (or rather by what he seemed to be trying to 
conceal), and so I kept at him until he told me all 



20 



TRY-SQUARE. 



about it. He don't think it is riglit, but he don't 
dare say anything for fear of making Badsinner mad. 
The plan is to employ all the whisky-bloats, jail- 
birds, dead-beats, and other godless persons in the 
town to go to your meeting and applaud and cheer 
and carry on, so as to provoke a riot if possible, and 
then to call upon the authorities to suppress the 
meetings because they are disorderly. 

Sawyer. Do you know the names of any of the vil- 
lains he has hired to do this dirty work ? 

Mrs. E. Yes, I have made a memorandum of them 
from time to time, as Mr. Evener told them over to 
me, until I have got eleven. They are on a piece of 
paper in mj pocket. 

Eep. Here Mrs. Evener pulled a lot of truck " 
from her dress pocket, put it in her lap, and after 
pulling it over, handed Uncle Job a strip torn from 
the margin of a newspaper with the names penciled 
thereon. As she gave the paper to Uncle Job, she 
exclaimed with great fervency : 

Mrs. E. Oh, Mr. Sawyer, you don't know how I 
have struggled with myself, and wrestled with God, 
to know what my duty was in this matter ! At last 
it seemed as clear as daylight that I must come and 
tell you all, and I have done so ; but you must not 
for the world let it be known vrhere you got your in- 
formation, for Mr. Badsinner is an awful bad man, if 
he does belong to our church, and I don't know what 
he inight take it into his head to do, in revenge, if he 
should find out that I told this thing against him. 
He is a powerful man in our church, for he is very 
rich and pays liberally ; but they say he stole his 



A CONSPIRACY UNEAETHED. 



21 



money from a railroad company before he settled in 
Pinville. 

Sawyer. I have long regarded him as a very bad 
and dangerous man, and I can't see why he should 
be retained in the communion of any church which 
pretends to serve God. 

Mrs. E. They didn't know him when they took 
him into the church, and now since they do know 
him, they are afraid of him. He is a terror to us all. 

Eep. Here Uncle Job shook Mrs. Evener warmly 
by the hand, as she rose to leave, thanked her most 
cordially for the information she had given him, and 
said : 

Sawyer. I believe you have done a good and noble 
deed, and that God will reward you for it ; but I 
shall consider it my duty to reward you, whether 
God does or not. 

Mrs. E. {with emotion). Oh, I am already rewarded 
by the lifting of the mountain from my shoulders. 

Eep. At the end of this hurried interview, Mrs. 
Evener withdrew, and Uncle Job put on his hat, with 
a sort of emphasis, saying, as he did so, in a low, 
firm voice, Forewarned is forearmed," and went out 
into the darkness and remained until midnight. 



CHAPTEK IV. 



THE CONSPIEACY CRUSHED. 

IIep. Benson's Hall was completely filled some lit- 
tle time before 10 o'clock on the Sunday morning 
appointed for the opening services of the New 
Church. Precisely at 10 o'clock, Uncle Job appeared 
upon the stage and walked with measured step to the 
little stand that had been placed for him near the 
front and center of the platform. Before he had 
reached his place, several wild and blood-curdling 
yells rose from various parts of the hall, and loud 
pounding was heard, as though by mallets on the 
floor. At least one egg (some say more than one) 
was thrown, which struck a chair on the sta2:e and 
exploded in rear of its intended victim. As Uncle 
Job stood there at that moment, waiting for silence, 
entirely calm and serene, his long, gray hair combed 
back from his forehead and lodged behind his ears, 
he seemed a perfect specimen of noble manhood. 
\ "When quiet was restored, which was within thirty 
seconds, Mr. Sawyer spoke very deliberately, sub- 
stantially as follows : 

Sawyer. As a preface to the exercises this morning, 
I shall say something for the express benefit of those 
fellows who have given me this barbaric salutation ; 



THE CONSPIRACY CRUSHED. 



23 



and if Mr. Bad sinner, your employer, who stands 
near the entry door to see if you earn your dirty pay, 
will stand where he is for a few minutes, he, also, 
will hear something greatly to his advantage. I am 
fully informed of your devilish designs, and I know 
the names of the hirelings who are expected to carry 
them out ; and I may as well add that I am fully 
prepared to give you battle. In the first place, let 
me tell you that you are engaged in a criminal busi- 
ness, and you would now be in the custody of the 
police but for my forbearance to give the order for 
your arres't. You will remember that I am a magis- 
trate, and have ample power to preserve the peace 
when a disturbance occurs in my presence. If each 
of the persons who contributed to the violent out- 
burst a minute ago will look about him, he will find 
two duly authorized peace officers within six feet of 
him ; and Mr. Badsinner himself is duly honored 
with a similar body-guard. I am quite inclined to 
believe, however, that I might have spared myself 
the trouble of getting all these officers to come here ; 
for I cannot help thinking that this outrageous dem- 
onstration, like an overdose of poison, has been its 
own antidote. Every decent person in the house, 
whether in sympathy with our movement or not, 
must have been completely disgusted at the perform- 
ance. Tou overshot the mark, boys, and made a 
failure. 

Now, my brethren, I turn my thoughts and re- 
marks to you ; but I have been so disturbed during 
tlie night and this morning with this conspiracy to 
break up our meetings, that I don't feel at all in the 
mood of preaching a sermon. I think, therefore, I 



24 



TKY-SQUARE. 



shall have to give you, in a very informal way, the 
history of this movement down to the present time, 
and something of my designs and hopes for the 
future. 

Eep. Uncle Job then related, with some detail, 
what the reader already knows, and continued in 
substance as follows : 

Sawyer. I found it a very delicate job to circulate 
the initiatory paper wdthout giving offense to some 
really well-meaning people, but yet who had such 
grave faults as, in my opinion, to render it improper 
to receive them into our society as charter members. 
My effort was to get the name of no person against 
whom the least suspicion of impropriety had ever 
been whispered. I wanted the fountain of our un- 
dertaking to be as pure as possible. I had the 
greatest struggle with myself over my good friend 
Gustavus Nash, who you all know is a strong man, 
and as square as a brick. He has once had a pro- 
found religious experience, but it has become some- 
what soured by his keen perception of the hollow- 
ness and hypocrisy of latter-day religious profession. 
I had to shut him out because of his daily and hourly 
use of vulgar, profane, and obscene language. 
Another person, who has many good points, was re- 
jected for the reason that common rumor charged 
him with too great familiarity with certain disrepu- 
table females. Two or three others had to be 
skipped because it is generally understood that they 
resort to crooked methods to escape their just share 
of the public taxes. 

I think a careful scrutiny of that list will reveal the 
name of no " dead beat " — no person who changes 



THE CONSPIRACY CEUSHED. 



25 



his residence every tliree months, more or less, to 
avoid the payment of a just rent — no person who ob- 
tains credit, at .the grocery or elsewhere, by promis- 
ing to pay next week, and then forgets to redeem his 
promise — no manufacturer of or dealer in intoxicat- 
ing beverages, nor any person who knowingly per- 
mits his property to be used in connection with such 
business — no gambler, nor person who permits his 
property to be used for the purposes of gambling — 
no woman of unchaste character, nor any male asso- 
ciate of such a woman — no intriguing, deceitful poli- 
tician, nor trickster of any kind — no person who buys 
votes, or corruptly influences votes in any election — 
no person who sells his vote or political influence 
for money or other valuable thing — no person who 
has wilfully sworn falsely, either in taking an oath of 
office, or otherwise — in short, you cannot find on 
that list the name of any person who has ever been 
accused of any act, however trivial, which the com- 
mon voice of mankind pronounces wrong. 

But while I have been thus careful as to the 
charter membership, yet it is my wish and hope that 
every human being, without regard to past life or 
condition, may, by giving proper pledges for future 
conduct, be admitted into a probationary member- 
ship, which, by continued good behavior, will event- 
ually ripen into fuller fellowship and communion 
with the main body of the Society. It should be 
our first and greatest aim and effort to assist our err- 
ing brothers and sisters. We who have, or think w^e 
have, gained a foothold on higher and firmer ground, 
should reach down to them helping hands. 

Now, a few words as to my purpose in beginning 



26 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



this moYement. I have long noticed that in every 
large city there are tens of thousands, in every 
medium-sized city thousands, in every considerable 
village hundreds, and in every rural toAvnship scores 
of the very best of citizens, of both sexes, who take 
no interest whatever in the fashionable church soci- 
eties, church-going, and church services of the pres- 
ent day ; and I have observed with great sorrow that 
very many of these good people, because they do not 
enjoy ordinary church-going, nor feel any duty in- 
cumbent upon them to attend what is called divine 
service, have withdrawn and secluded themselves, to 
a great extent, from the society of their fellow-men 
(some of them almost becoming hermits, except in so 
far as business or trade compels them to mingle with 
the world), thus v/asting the mighty influence that 
they might and ought to exert for good in the world. 
A little inquiry generally shows that nearly all of 
these people have strong religious feeling, and have 
thought much and deeply on the subject ; but 
they are all independent thinkers, and usually have 
the honesty and boldness to express any skepticism 
they may entertain in relation to the creeds and dog- 
mas and sacred words which the preachers tell us we 
must believe or be forever damned. For these rea- 
sons, these people are frequently stigmatized as 
Infidels, My friends, whenever you hear any person 
derisively spoken of as an Infidel, make haste to 
seek him out, for, in nine cases out of ten, you will 
find a person of moral worth, and in the majority of 
cases you will find the genuine stuff of which martyrs 
have been made in all the ages. It requires strength 
of character, honesty, and courage to enable a per- 



THE CONSPIRACY CRUSHED. 



27 



son to Yokmtarily submit to tlie reproaches and per- 
secutions of all Christendom ; while the weak, knav- 
ish, and cowardly swell the ranks of the hypocrites. 
Do you know, my brethren, that Jesus. Christ wa^ 
denounced, persecuted, and crucified as an Infidel? 
It's a fact. Martin Luther, the great leader and 
mainspring of the Reformation, was the greatest In- 
fidel of the age in which he lived (that is, he was 
called so, and persecuted as such, by his opponents). 
All the martyred victims of religious zeal and perse- 
cution through all recorded time have been con- 
demned and punished as Infidels, Galileo said, '^The 
world moves," and he was instantly declared an Infi- 
del ; and all other world-movers before and since 
have shared the same fate. Our present state of 
civilization could never have been brought about — 
but the world would have stood stationary for thou- 
sands of years — had it not been for the glorious 
galaxy of Infidels^ so-called, who have bravely laid 
down their lives in the grand struggle of the centu- 
ries for liberty of conscience, liberty of thought, and 
liberty of speech. Ye^, the world /^as' moved, indeed ; 
and the so-called Infidels have moved it. I say, God 
bless them. I can myself see that within the last 
twenty-five years orthodoxy has been wonderfully 
modified in some respects, under the constant ham- 
mering of the Infidels. And yet our Christian friends 
tell us that we owe all the wonderful inventions, dis- 
coveries, mental culture, and enlightenment of our 
time to the Christian religion. I deny it, and boldly 
assert the direct contrary. Orthodoxy has blocked 
the wheels of progress everywhere and in all ages, 
until battered and shattered to pieces by the batter- 



28 



TRY-SQUARE. 



ing-rams of Infidelity. Again I say, God bless the 
Infidels. 

Perhaps I ought to explain that the word Infidel, 
as used hj orthodoxy, is a misnomer, for it means 
unfaithful. The stars are not more faithful to their 
courses through the heavens than the so-called Infi- 
del is faithful to the principles that he believes to be 
right and true. 

I hasre not the remotest thought of making war 
against anything but evil. Every person who is 
making an honest endeavor to do good in the world, 
I call my brother. I may differ with him as to his 
beliefs or his methods, or both; but so long as I 
have confidence in his sincerity, still I shall call him 
brother. 

Nor do I intend to found a new religious sect — God 
forbid. On the contrary, I want to lay down a plat- 
form that is broad enough for the whole religious 
world to stand on — so broad that when the sects 
shall lay aside sectarianism (as they some day will), 
they will then be at one with us. 

I do not want to pull down a single church edifice, 
nor throw a single preacher out of business — there is 
need enough for all — but I shall rejoice to see them 
so managed and employed as to do more good to 
mankind than they seem to be now doing. My aim 
and desire simply are to organize and marshal the 
vast host of so-called Infidels — now wasting their 
sweetness on the desert air " — into a powerful and 
well-equipped army, in the hope and faith that it 
will do valiant service in the cause of sacred and 
Eternal Truth. This may seem a small beginning 
for so great an undertaking, but it is just as large as 



THE GONSPIKACY CRUSHED. 



29 



any beginning ever was. The largest tree that ever 
grew on the face of the earth started from a little 
germ at the little end of a little seed.^ 

I hope we shall not meet with any serious oppo- 
sition from the ranks of sectarianism ; for, with so 
much evil in the world, it would be too bad to have 
the avowed opponents of evil wrangling and fighting 
among themselves. 

My aim at present is to institute a sort of school 
where the multitude can receive instruction from 
week to week, and from year to year, in all the de- 
partments of knowledge necessary to enable them to 
live correct and happy lives in this world. 

I should, perhaps, add right here — though I can 
barely touch the point just now — that I do not mean 
to invade, on the one hand, the domain now occu 
pied by our educational institutions, strictly so-called, 
nor, on the other hand, to disturb the believers in 
any religion — though based largely (as most religions 
are) on imagination, mythologj^ and supernatural- 
ism. I want to occupy, in such measure as we may 
be able to, the vast territory lying fallow between 
these two extremes, and, if possible, to form a con- 
necting link 'between whatever is proved to be true 
and of real value in either field. The Press is now 
the only occupant of the intermediate ground I have 
attempted to describe, and printed matter, as you 



♦The following lines by Lowell (great favorites with Uncle Job) 
seem appropriate here. — Rep. 

What ! shall one monk, scarce known beyond his cell, 

Front Eome's far-reaching bolts, and scorn her frown? , 

Brave Luther answered, Yes; that thunder's swell 
Kocked Europe, and disch armed the triple crown 1 



30 



TRY-SQUARE. 



all know, is of three kinds— good, bad, and indiffer- 
ent, but mostly of the two latter kinds. Millions 
are unable to read at all, and other millions poison 
their minds by reading only the reports of the police 
courts, and corrupt fiction. 

This brief outline is all I can give you to-day. 
The details will, of course, have to depend in great 
measure upon circumstances, and upon the wishes 
and needs of the people. 

There will be a business meeting of the members of 
the society in this place next Tuesday evening at 
7 o'clock. 

I have arranged with Dr. Pond to speak here this 
evening at 7:30. His subject will be, How to Cheat 
the Doctor." All are invited. 

I expect to speak from this platform again next 
Sunday morning at 10 o'clock — free to all. I should 
be greatly pleased to have some of the young people 
provide some suitable music for our meetings. 

This meeting is closed. 

Eep. I have condensed some parts of Uncle Job's 
remarks considerably ; for it was evidently an off- 
hand, familiar talk to his neighbors, and at times he 
explained his meaning with more mifiuteness than 
seems necessary to repeat here. There was no effort 
at elocution ; but when he was speaking about the 
Infidels, his cheeks glowed slightly and the words 
came forth with a spontaneity and force that was 
truly eloquent. 

It is needless to say that no further effort was 
made to disturb the meeting. 



CHAPTEE V. 



AIMS OF THE NEW OKGANIZATION. 

Eep. Dr. Pond lectured in the evening, according 
i,o appointment, to a full liouse. He took for his 
text that old saying that " an ounce of prevention 
is worth a pound of cure." His remarks were 
practical and most excellent, consisting largely of 
instructions how to preserve health without the aid 
of physician or medicine ; but the design of this vol- 
ume does not permit a report of the lecture. He 
made an appointment for another lecture the next 
Sunday evening, when he promised to give some in- 
struction in anatomy and physiology, and further re- 
marks on the laws of health. 

I asked and obtained permission to attend the 
business meeting Tuesday evening, and I took notes, 
as usual. Every charter member of the new organ- 
ization was present, with Uncle Job in the chair. A 
good deal was said and done not necessary or im- 
portant to be mentioned here. When all the mem- 
bers were seated near the platform, and silence pre- 
vailed — 

Sawyer {sitting on the jjlatform). It is my wish that 
the members of this organization shall constitute a 
^pure democracy, or as nearly that as possible, at 



32 



TRY-SQUARE. 



least, wliile the membership is small ; and we will 
begin now by electing a presiding officer for this 
meeting. 

Eep. Almost instantly some one nominated Job 
Saw^'er for chairman, put his own motion, and de- 
clared it carried ; and a secretary was also elected 
in like manner. 

Sawyer {still sitting)* Yon do not know what 
strength and hope it gives me to see every member 
in his place and evidently zealous in the new under- 
taking. I think my faith at this moment is at least 
equal to a grain of mustard-seed. 

This is a business meeting, called for the purpose 
of perfecting our organization. I suppose we are 
entitled to be incorporated as a religious society, 
under the general laws of the State, but there, are 
some features of those laws that I do not altogether 
like, and therefore, as there is no haste about it un- 
til we have property to manage, I shall give my vote 
in favor of waiting awhile. Yet I think we should at 
once have a constitution and suitable by-laws. This 
seems necessary in order to do business in an order- 
ly and economical manner. They should be care- 
fully framed, so as to aid and not retard us in our 
work, and ample provision should be made for 
prompt and easy amendment. Discrimination should 
be made between constitution and bj^-laws, so that 
matter belonging in one shall not be placed in the 
other. The constitution is the organic law, and 
should be brief and general in its provisions. The 
by-laws are special rules and regulations made under 
and by virtue of the authority of the constitution. 
I see no need of lengthy by-laws at the outset ; in 



AIMS OF THE NEW ORGANIZATION. 33 



fact, I tliink it better to let time and experience de- 
velop what is needed. A proper committee should 
be selected for this work before we adjourn to-night. 

There are several persons, male and female, who 
have already made application for membership. 
A proper committee ought also to be appointed to 
investigate these applications (and others, if any 
shall be made), and report as to fitness, etc. It will 
take us some little time to get fully and efficiently 
organized, but we can and slioidd commence at once 
on the main feature of our work — that is, to do all 
the good we can. To this end we must be careful 
not to preach or require anything that it is not with- 
in the nature of man to live up to ; but what we do 
preach or require, we must practice in letter and in 
spirit. Eight here let me say that I think we should 
refrain from rich or ostentatious dress while in at- 
tendance here, or engaged in any church work. The 
orthodox churches have driven away from their soci- 
eties a very large number of the most deserving poor 
and moderately well-to-do, by the proud dress and 
manners of the rich. It is not good manners (even 
if we take no higher view of it) to flaunt our good 
fortune in the faces of the less fortunate. 

" Oh, it is excellent to have a giant's strength ; but 
it is tyrannous to use it like a giant." 

I hope the ladies will organize a Sunday-school, 
with as many different classes as seem to be neces- 
sary or desirable. I find, notwithstanding education 
is free, that very many poor children get almost none 
at all. Perhaps nearly all of them learn to read 
more or less perfectly, but with a large percentage 
of them that is all. The ladies of the orthodox 



34 



TRY-SQUARE. 



cliurclies are doing all tliey can to bring these chil- 
dren into their Sunday-schools, but the children do 
not seem to crave what is offered them there. I 
think scores of these children would be glad to come 
here and learn many of the useful things that they 
have been unable to learn in the public -schools. 
Blackboard exercises and general object-teaching 
can be employed where it seems to be beneficial. 
Also the teacher might read selections from choice 
literature, suitable to the understanding of his class, 
and especially ought the elements of moral principles 
to be taught to every one of them, in order that they 
may grow up to be good citizens and useful members 
of society. 

I am very much impressed with the idea that the 
most industrious people do not spend time enough 
in social intercourse. I therefore think we should 
set apart at least one evening in every week for a 
social meeting here, or in some other suitable place, 
where old and young, male and female, can meet in 
all respects as equals, and participate in such sports, 
games, or other entertainment as the assembly may 
decide to adopt for their recreation for the time 
being. I am net sure that it would not be wdse to 
have some place under our management open at all 
times — a sort of saloon — where persons of either or 
both sexes can go at any time during reasonable 
hours and indulge in some kind of innocent recrea- 
tion or amusement. It is a lamentable fact that all 
the places of resort within my knowledge are places- 
where vice of one kind or another is practiced — 
drinking or gambling, or both, and sometimes even 
worse offenses against morality. I know it is said 



AIMS OF THE NEW OEGANIZATION. 



35 



by some that one may go into such places without 
contamination, but I think it is very difficult to do 
so. For instance, if a person goes into one of these 
places, even to sit awhile and read the newspapers, 
he feels that he is indebted to the house, and there 
is no way in which he can square the account but to 
buy something — a drink or a cigar — and custom re- 
quires him to treat " one or more of those present 
— and there is always somebody at hand anxious to 
accept such an invitation. In this way the young 
form habits which frequently lead to terrible results. 
Man is a gregarious animal, and loves amusement. 
These natural wants it is the duty of society to sup- 
ply in such manner that he shall not, at the same 
time, be led into vice. 

Vice is a monster of such frightful mien, 
That to be hated needs but to be seen ; 
But, seen too oft, familiar with her face, 
"We first endure, then pity, then embrace." 

I am in favor of the freest commingling of the 
sexes in all places where it is proper for either to 
go. Dancing, when properly conducted, is an inno- 
cent and healthful exercise, and this room is well 
adapted to it. There are also many games played 
with cards, as well as the games of chess and check- 
ers, and similar games, which many people are fond 
of, and which afford excellent training to the mental 
faculties. The game of billiards affords delightful 
exercise for both men and women ; but at present 
we have no convenient place for it, and, besides, the 
tables are so expensive that we must only think of it 
as a future possibility. 



36 



TRY-SQUARE. 



All persons ^vill not desire to participate in the 
same pleasures at the same time, as experience 
shows, and our social gatherings will divide them- 
selyes up into groups by the process of natural se- 
lection. This is one of God's laws, and it obtains in 
heaven as well as among men. If there is a future 
state for man (and I sincerely hope so)', I conceive 
that it will not be necessary for God to put up bars 
to keep the wicked from the good ; but " birds of a 
feather will flock together " there as well as here, in 
obedience to a natural law. 

The question. Who is to be the parson or preacher 
of the new church ? has given me more trouble than 
all other questions combined. I have discussed it 
privately with many of you, and by a unanimous ver- 
dict, ^'the lot has fallen upon Jonah." I feel that 
this is highly complimentary to me, and yet I know 
(as no one else knows) that I am not at all suited to 
such a post. Not to mention numerous deficiencies, 
I never undertook to make anything more than a 
short, extemporaneous speech in my life, and I am 
now *^well stricken in years." Furthermore, I am 
afraid I am lazy. I have a feeling (no doubt the 
same entertained and acted upon by many an ortho- 
dox churchman) which tempts me to endeavor to es- 
cape the performance of my religious duties by 
hiring, and paying liberally, some one else to do 
them for me. I know this feeling is wrong, and I 
have therefore put it behind me, and I have decided 
to undertake to minister to this people for the pres- 
ent, but with the hope that some person more suita- 
ble and competent may soon be found to relieve me 
and carry forward the good work. 



AIMS OF THE NEW ORGANIZATION. 



37 



Kep. Uncle Job here signified that he had noth- 
ing further to say, and by motions duly made, proper 
committees were appointed, in accordance with Uncle 
Job's suggestions; and it was also resolved that a 
meeting of the society, and such outsiders as the 
several members should see fit to invite, should be 
held for social intercourse and enjoyment, in Ben- 
son's Hall, on the Tuesday evening next. The 
meeting then adjourned. 



CHAPTEE YI. 

KEW DEFINITIONS. 

Eep. On the following Sunday morning, before 10 
o'clock, Benson's Hall was crow^ded. Precisely at 
the stroke of the clock, the choir (consisting of two 
male and two female voices, with a violin and flute 
accompaniment), rendered " Sweet Afton " in a most 
satisfactory manner. At the conclusion of the music, 
Uncle Job promptly took his place at the little desk, 
and, in the most grave and impressive manner, re- 
peated the following words, which he seemed to 
adopt as a sort of text : 

** Prayer is the soul's sincere desire, 
Uttered or unexpressed." 

He then proceeded in substance as follows : 
Sawyer. As our meetings will be distinguished by 
the absence of formal praying, which fact may lead 
to misunderstanding, and possibly to unjust criti- 
cism, even by persons not unfriendly to our general 
purposes, unless some explanation is made on our 
part, I have therefore determined to give briefly 
some of my views on the general subject of prayer 
in my remarks this morning, and to branch o3 into 
kindred or other subjects, and to enlarge upon them 



^'ISH IS PRAYER. 



39 



from time to time as I may feel disposed. In treat- 
ing these matters with satisfaction to myself, I shall 
be compelled to advert occasionally to some of my 
own personal experiences, which I promise you shall 
be sparingly done, for such references are exceed- 
ingly distasteful to me. 

For well nigh forty years I have prayed without 
ceasing, but during all that time my prayers have 
been of the kind that are unexpressed ; and yet I 
have no quarrel with those who take comfort in mak- 
ing, or feel it a duty to make, long, formulated pray- 
ers. They have the right to follow the dictates of 
their feelings, so long as they do no injury to others. 
Every wish is a prayer, whether " uttered or unex- 
pressed." We are all continually wishing for some- 
thing, either reasonable or unreasonable, and this is 
why I say I have prayed without ceasing. My soul 
yearns every day, and almost every hour of the day, 
with a fervent wish for the ability to right some 
wrong, or to do some positive good. But I have no 
faith that any prayer, however reasonable, or how- 
ever eloquently and feelingly expressed, or however 
urgent the seeming necessity, ever was or ever will 
be aiisivered, in any such sense as that expression is 
generally understood. The God I worship is not, in 
that sense, a " prayer-answering God." I witnessed 
an incident when a schoolboy that made an indelible 
impression on my mind, and perhaps it had some- 
thing to do toward shaking my faith in the efficacy 
of prayer. A boy of fourteen, whom I will call John, 
was the son of praying parents — in fact, they were 
then known as "shouting Methodists" — and at the 
time in question, a "revival of religion" was in prog- 



40 



TEY-SQUARE. 



ress in the neigliborhoocl where John and his parents 
resided. A large pine stump stood in the play- 
ground near the schoolhouse, which was often in the 
way, and greatly interfered with the children's 
games. One day the stump was especially annoy- 
ing, and was receiving many maledictions, when 
John startled all of his fellows by announcing that 
he could remove it. He was asked how he would go 
to work to do it, all being anxious to lend him a 
helping hand. He said boldly that he could pray 
it out." Some doubted this, while others believed 
it; but all urged him to try the experiment. At 
length the noble boy, with faith enough to remove a 
mountain (if faith alone could ever remove anything), 
. fell upon his knees near the stump, and prayed most 
fervently, most feelingly, and most confidently for 
ten or fifteen minutes for the removal of the stump, 
the children meanwhile watching in breathless 
silence to see the stump move, and even the doubt- 
ing ones being hopeful. John stopped praying and 
opened his eyes. He seemed surprised to see the 
stump still in its place, and he asked the boys if 
they hadn't seen the roots start. Being answered in 
the negative, he prayed again, more energetically 
than before, if that were possible ; but he was con- 
fronted with failure again and again, until his com- 
panions sent up a roar of derisive laughter, where- 
uj)on poor John gave way to his disappointment and 
cried and rent his garments, and repented him (so to 
speak) in sackcloth and ashes. Poor fellow ! he was 
never the same boy after that. 

I was early taught, in the customary way, to get 
on my knees and utter verbal prayers, and I often 



GOD HELPS HIM WHO HELPS HIMSELF. 41 

did SO during my youth and young manhood ; but I 
cannot remember the time, after little John's failure, 
when I did not rise from my knees with a sense of 
shame, and feeling more like an ignorant idolater 
than like an intelligent, reasoning being. I have 
frequently conversed with persons who, even while 
admitting that they do not know that their prayers 
are ever answered, yet claim that they derive great 
mental satisfaction from formal prayer ; but it was 
never so with me. 

Many years ago, when I was a young man, I was 
once so circumstanced that death from starvation 
and exposure to the elements seemed inevitable to 
myself and my helpless companion. No relief 
seemed possible from any human or earthly source. 
After making failures of several experiments, I be- 
came temporarily discouraged, and, to borrow the 
words of John Hay, 

I jest flopped down on my marrow bones, 
Crotch deep in the snow, and prayed 

or, rather, I tried to pray, but could not. Every 
word I uttered seemed like blasphemy. I felt like 
a criminal, and I stopped, and spent some little time 
in gloomy, most dismal meditation. But something 
must he done. I still had strength, and I shook my- 
self and said aloud to my discouraged feeling, " Get 
thee behind me, Satan." In a twinkling Dr. Frank- 
lin's saying that God helps him who helps himself 
came into my mind, and almost in the same breath I 
was repeating these lines of "Walter Scott : 

My pass, brave Gael, in danger tried. 
Hangs in my belt and by my side." 



42 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



I said to myself, ''The way to seek God is not to 
prostrate one's self in chicken-hearted supplication, 
but to courageously study to find out his laws and to 
obey them." My former discouragement was at 
once changed into a feeling of extraordinary self- 
reliance, and I resolved that if I must die in that situ- 
ation, I would not die the death of a coward, but 
valiantly fighting with all the might with which God 
had endowed me. The result was that I and my lit- 
tle companion were saved. 

I have related this incident to my good Christian 
friend, Mrs. Evener, and she insists that my prayer 
was answered in the most conspicuous and unmis- 
takable manner. But I answer that I did not praj^ 
I tried to, but made a flat failure. My soul revolted 
at the very attempt. My friend responds that God 
took the will for the deed, and granted my wish be- 
fore it was expressed. Be that as it may, it was with 
me a most profound religious experience, and I have 
never tried to give utterance to a praj^er from that 
day to this ; yet I feel that I have walked with God, 
and I have obeyed his commandments, in the light 
that he has given me to understand them, during the 
whole time since that event. 

The experience I have mentioned, and the study 
and reflection induced by it, gave me a grander con- 
ception of God and his attributes than I had ever had 
before. My previous idea of God was substantially 
that he was a being in human shape, about as big as 
Goliath, with one all-seeing eye situated just above 
his nose ; ■ that he sat in space, cross-legged like a 
tailor or a Turk, governing creation by his arbitrary 
will, and threatening all mankind with eternal tor- 



GOD IS LAW. 



43 



ment, excepting such as begged of him, like cripples, 
for salvation, and that even these had no guaranty 
of safety. No pagan ever carved from wood or stone 
a baser counterfeit of the Almighty than I had been 
led to do, in my imagination, by the teachings of the 
Christian religion. I had. in fact, created an idol — 
not technically a graven image, but none the less an 
idol — and it was before him, or it, that I saw, in my 
mind's eye, millions of Christians, Mohammedans, 
and Jews bowed down in abject fear, falsely called 
worship. I have talked on this subject with hun- 
dreds, if not thousands, of Christians, and I find 
that every one, when I bring him down to a fine 
point, has an imaginary idol, differing from mine 
more or less, perhaps, in form, but not at all in sub- 
stance. Most of them will say at first that God is a 
spirit ; but on closer inquiry it will be found that all 
have embodied that spirit into some form, more or 
less shadowy, which they always see in their mental 
vision when they pray or think of God. Is Chris- 
tianity, then, only another (perhaps a higher) form 
of paganism. I fear so, in so far, at least, as the 
unthinking multitude is concerned. Have they not 
also idolized Christ? 

That there is, and has been from the beginning, 
a Power, a Force, which, acting on Matter and 
controlled by Law, created and governs the Uni- 
verse, there can be no question ; but whether that 
Power or Force is embodied in an intelligent, sen- 
tient Supreme Being, in the sense usually implied 
by those words, will probably never be known in 
this mundane existence any better than it is novv. 
In so far as it is given us to see and know, it may be 



44 



TRY-SQUARE. 



said tliat God is Law, and it is in this sense that I 
habitually use the word God. 

"What we call natural law was never created, and it 
can not be destroyed nor changed. For illustra- 
tion, take any known law of mathematics — the sim- 
ple fact that two and two make four, for instance. 
Can it be conceived by the mind of man that there 
ever was a period in the past, however remote, when 
two and two could have made any greater or less 
sum than four ? Does any one believe that a period 
will ever come in the future Avhen that law will be 
changed ? I declare to you, my friends, that no God 
ever had, or ever will have, the power to change it. 
So it is with all other laws. They have existed, and 
will continue to exist, from everlasting to ever- 
lasting." 

My orthodox friends admit the existence of the 
laws, but they assert that they must necessarily have 
been created by a pre-existing, higher power, and 
hence, from a supposed necessity, they have, in their 
imagination, and without proof, invented their Su- 
preme Being, who, they believe, was not created, but 
always existed. If this doctrine of necessity be ad- 
mitted, it seems to be just as necessary to take 
another step backward and assume a creator for the 
aforesaid Supreme Being, as it was to take the first 
step. But I deny the necessity in both cases. It is 
conceded that Matter, Force, and Law exist, and that 
they are constant and indestructible. It follows, 
then, as an axiom, that they were not created, but 
always existed. These elements, through the cycles 
of time and the processes of evolution, have wrought 
the situation we. behold to-day. I draw, then, from 



SEAECHING FOR GOD. 



45 



my premises, the conclusion, which all history and 
experience prove to be true, that God is inexorable ; 
that he does not hear or answer our prayers ; and 
that there is not, and never was, any such thing as a 
special providence or miracle. When events trans- 
pire which seem to have been produced by super- 
natural agencies, it is only our ignorance, or some- 
body's trickery, that makes them appear so. In the 
olden times, the sending of a message from New 
York to Chicago and getting an answer in an hour 
would have been called a miracle ; but nobody calls 
it so now. 

The question was asked of old, " Canst thou by 
searching find out God?" I answer, Yes, and, No. 
It is impossible for us to ever find him out in his 
entirety ; but by diligent searching we shall find out 
eventually all that it is necessary for us to knew of 
him. We have learned many things already, and we 
are constantly finding out something new. Only re- 
cently the world was startled by the discovery of the 
principle which has been utilized in the telephone. 
Yet what we now know is but a drop in the bucket as 
compared with the unknown. Who can tell us what 
electricity is, or explain to us the secret of its mys- 
terious power? Who knows by what subtle influ- 
ence inanimate matter is made animate ? What is 
mind? Whence came it, and whither does it go? 
By constant searching man will find out some of 
these things. God has placed us in the partial pos- 
session of a mighty engine, and has endowed us with 
minds whereby we may learn to run so much of it as 
may be beneficial to us. Archimedes claimed in his 
day to have discovered the power to move the earth, 



46 



TRY-SQUARE. 



if lie could only find a place somewhere outside on 
which to stand ; but I say to you, my brethren, that 
the power exists by means of which, when the proper 
springs and levers shall be found out (as they will 
yet be found out), a man may stand right here in 
Pinyille and move the world. 

Matter, Force, and Law constitute the true Trin- 
ity, though neither alone is equal to all. With only 
Matter and Force in existence, the world would be 
"without form and void but Law wrought order 
out of chaos, and, in a qualified sense, created the 
Universe. Hence, as I have said before, I usually 
mean the Law alone when I speak of God. 

When I am stating my view^s on these subjects to 
my Christian friends, as I sometimes do, they fre- 
quently hold up both hands in horror, and exclaim 
that I am throwing away the Bible and all hope of a 
life beyond the grave. I do not think so. I am only 
clearing away the rubbish — the accumulations of 
thousands of years of ignorance and superstition — 
and getting down to the solid, bottom facts for a 
basis on w^hich I hope we may be able to build a re- 
ligious edifice whose every brick and timber shall be 
a known and admitted truth ; and all the old mate- 
rial will be worked into the new structure that will 
bear the test. No man yet knows whether the mind 
of man has a conscious existence after the death of 
the body. We all hope, and some of us believe, that 
the mind (usually called the soul) does not die, but 
lives forever. But, like Patrick Henry, we should be 
" willing to know the whole truth : to know the 
worst, and to provide for it." If there is a part of 
man w^iich survives the grave, it is so by virtue of 



ONE WORLD AT A TIME. 



47 



some laio, and our hopes, or fears, or wishes, or pray- 
ers cannot in any manner, or in any degree, change 
the fact. It is doubtful whether it is best for us that 
we shoukl know what the future has in store for us ; 
but whether so or not, it is certain that the very 
worst thing we can do is to deceive ourselves in re- 
gard to it. It is not wise to form any belief and to 
adhere to it inflexibly, before we know, by absolute 
knowledge, that it is a fact ; or, at least, until it has 
been proven to be true by testimony that is above 
impeachment or criticism. If there is a life beyond 
this, a correct life here — living strictly within the 
letter and spirit of the Law — is the surest way to 
prepare for it. If Ave take good care of the present, 
the future will take care of itself. " Sufficient unto 
the day is the evil thereof." If we obey the Law 
during this life, we shall be ready for death when it 
comes. Death has no terror for the law-abiding 
man. He walks with God continually, and needs no 
time to prepare to meet him. He has an abiding 
faith that he will surely receive such measure of re- 
ward as his conduct merits, under the Law ; and he 
borrows no trouble as to what the nature of his 
reward shall be, nor as to the manner in which it 
shall be meted out to him. 

As to the Bible, I do not reject it by any means ; 
and yet I regard it as purely the work of men, and 
treat it accordingly. Looked at in this light, it is a 
most excellent book, being a record of men's dis- 
coveries, experiences, and beliefs in the remote past. 
Much of it is fiction, just as men write fiction at the 
present day to illustrate what they believe to be 
true. Much of it is written in figurative language, 



48 



TKY-SQUAEE. 



and never was intended to be understood literally. 
Some of it is absolutely false, in spirit as well as in 
letter, and was well known to be so by the persons 
who wrote those parts. The Bible was not written 
by one man, but by many men, and at widely different 
times. Doubtless hundreds, and possibly thousands, 
of other men wrote 'during the same periods whose 
works have perished ; but those works that have 
been handed down to us, were treasured by the 
people as choice literature, and in the course of 
time, they came to be regarded as sacred, and the 
waiters thereof as more than mortaL This was 
owing to the disposition of mankind, in an unenlight- 
ened state, to worship a hero and to magnify his 
virtues and his powers. Men are not entirely free 
from that disposition in our own day. 

Our orthodox friends say we must either reject 
the Bible as false from beginning to end, or accept 
every word of it as the literal word of God. They take 
the latter alternative, but I take neither. Take that 
passage, if you please, where the writer says : " The 
lips of a strange woman drop as a honeycomb, and 
her mouth is smoother than oil; but her end is 
bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. 
Her feet go down to death ; her steps take hold on 
hell." The man who said that knew what he w^as 
talking about ; and although he made use of figura- 
tive, even picturesque, language, he portrayed a liv- 
ing, every-day truth which commends itself to every 
person of experience. So here is one part of the 
Bible that I believe in. But when I read in another 
place that three men walked about in the heart of a 
fiery furnace which was seven times hotter than it 



THE BIBLE NOT A SAFE OUIDE. 



49 



"was commonly heated, and then came out after a 
considerable time without even the smell of fire 
about their garments, I don't believe it any more 
than I do the marvelous stories of Lemuel Gulliver, 
whose very name is a fable. Why may I not accept 
the record of Moses (if I want to) and reject that of 
Joshua, or vice versa ? If I believe a part of what 
Matthew tells us, why must I also accept all that 
Luke says ? When we read any other book, we find 
statements which we fully believe to be true, and 
other statements by the same author which our 
minds reject as unreasonable, absurd, and false. 
Why may we not treat the Bible authors in the 
same way ? Certainly, if God wrote it (as alleged) 
there can be no danger that any falsehood will be 
found in it, and the more vigorously it is assailed 
the brighter it will shine. It is not God, my friends, 
but the devil, that is afraid of inquiry, investigation, 
and skepticism. 

Some people believe that we could not distinguish 
right from wrong if it were not for the Bible. This 
is a great mistake. No doubt many of the Biblical 
writers thought they had discovered certain truths, 
and tried in their writings to set them forth for a 
guide to others ; but later studies and experiences 
have shown many of the earlier suppositions to be 
erroneous. He is a fool who wilfully shuts his eyes 
to the light of the present day, and blindly accepts 
as truth the theories and guesses of unknown men 
who lived in a darker age. Those men, like the so- 
called Infidels of this day, were groping and reach- 
ing for the truth — were trying by searching to find, 
out God." 



50 



TEY-SQUARE. 



Looking from the human standpoint, it may be 
said that sin is the transgression of the Law. Every 
transgression, however small, is a sin, and is abso- 
lutely sure to bring the proper punishment upon the 
transgressor. God knows no such thing as mercy ; 
but still his punishments are graded according to the 
magnitude of the offense. The working of the Law 
in this respect may be likened to the working of a 
vast machine. If we get a finger between the cogs, 
we lose a finger, or a part of one ; and if we jump 
bodily into the machine, the penalty is death. 
Looked at from God's standpoint, there is no such 
thing as transgression of the Law. We can do noth- 
ing that will injure God ; but the injury, if any, falls 
upon us. The machinery of the Universe moves 
majestically on, and whoever gets in the way will 
surely suffer. We are not required to obey the Law 
because it will please God ; but because our own 
welfare requires it. Strict obedience brings har- 
mony, peace, and happiness ; while disobedience 
brings discord, war, and misery. The good things 
that we enjoy are our rewards, and the miseries that 
we suffer are our punishments. Whether all our 
rewards and punishments are received in this life, 
as some believe, we do not now know, and we may 
never know in this world. When we theorize on 
that subject, in our human way, it seems necessary, 
in order to satisfy our finite notions of eternal justice, 
that there must be a future state where each shall 
receive reward or punishment according to his de- 
serts. I know men who are so hardened in sin that, 
according to my notion, nothing short of a term in a 
literal hell of fire and brimstone would be adequate 



TEANSGRESSION OF LAW — EVOLUTION. 



51 



to balance the account against them. But "ven- 
geance is mine, saith the Lord," and nature must 
have its course regardless of human judgments. 

If we look at this question with the cold eye of 
philosophy, how does it look? Nature's motto 
seems to be "Excelsior." Everything we now see 
has been developed by slow processes from earlier 
and inferior forms. The prior forms have died, and 
their death and decay have enriched the soil for suc- 
ceeding forms. This has been so with the works of 
man in the fields of science and religion, as well as 
in physical nature. It may be that no being has yet 
been sufficiently developed to inherit eternal life. I 
express no opinion. Tennyson has thought on this 
subject, and has written these words : 

A monstrous eft was of old the Lord and Master of Earth, 
For him did his high sun flame, and his river billowing ran. 
And he felt himself in his force to be Nature's crowning race. 
As nine months go to the shaping an infant ripe for his birth, 
So many a million of ages have gone to the making of man : 
He now is first, but is he the last? is he not too base?'* 

ipThe answers to these questions must await the 
developments of time. 

In our " searching to find God," what we know has 
been learned by experience — by actual experiment 
in every particular instance. "When any act or word 
done or spoken, or permitted to be done or spoken, 
was found to produce either physical or mental suf- 
fering to any person, such act or word was called 
wrong, evil, sin ; while acts and words which brought 
forth no such results were said to be good, right, or 
righteous. The first man must have had serious 
trouble. He did not know, until he had tried the 



52 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



experiment, that fire would burn him. "What he 
learned in the rough school of experience, he com- 
municated to his children, so that they started in 
life wiser than their father. After a time men of 
great experience wrote down what they had learned 
for the benefit of others, just as people are still 
doing; and in this way the world has been filled 
with books. Much has been written that subsequent 
experience has proved to be incorrect, and we there- 
fore find that it will not do to rely too implicitly 
upon what we read, but every person must- apply the 
test to his own experience, and reject all error, re- 
gardless of authority. In the language of an ancient 
writer, we should prove all things, and hold fast 
that which is good/' 

I have now consumed the time allotted to this exer- 
cise, and will therefore reserve what further I have 
to say for future occasions. "What I have said thus 
far was not essential, in my opinion, to the progress 
of our work ; but I deemed it wise to make a plain, 
blunt confession of faith, as it were, at the outset, in 
order that every person having a view to joining our 
church may do so with his eyes open, and can never 
truthfully say that he was induced to join us by false 
pretenses. I have endeavored to follow the wise ad- 
vice of that great and good man who said of old, in 
substance : Let your light so shine before men 
that they may see your good works and glorify God. 
Think not that I have come to destroy the Law ; for 
I have not come to destroy, but to fulfil." 

Eep. Before dismissing the congregation. Uncle 
Job gave notice of the Sunday-school which he said 
would be opened for young and old that afternoon at 



CLOSING EXERCISES. 



53 



3 o'clock ; Dr. Pond's lecture in the evening ; tha 
social entertainment for Tuesday night ; and a busi- 
ness meeting for Friday night. He then said that 
the meeting would be closed with music, and added, 
in a very solemn and impressive manner: "May 
love, peace, good will, and happiness attend and pos- 
sess us all. Amen." 
The choir followed with, " Home, Sweet Home." 



CHAPTER Vn. 



THE SOCIETY IN OPERATION — A LAWSUIT. 

Eep. Pursuant to the notice mentioned in the last 
chapter, one hundred and eighty-three persons of all 
ages and both sexes, but mostly children, assembled in 
the hall at 3 o'clock on Sunday afternoon, to be organ- 
ized and classified into a Sunday-school. Mr. and 
Mrs. Holliday (both college graduates, and the latter 
a member pf the Baptist church in good standing) 
had been previously chosen by common consent as 
superintendent and assistant-superintendent ; and a 
sufficient corps of teachers, or conductors, for the 
several classes into which the school might be di- 
vided, had been likewise selected. 

Mr. Holliday made a short speech at the opening, 
in which he said, among other things, that as this 
was their first gathering, but little could be done be- 
yond a sort of examination to determine how the 
school could be best classified, so as to do most good 
to all. For to-day he had decided to classify them 
according to age, as follows, every class to occupy a 
particular portion of the room designated by the 
superintendent: 

Class 1. All over forty years of age. 

Class 2. All between twenty and forty. 



A LAWSUIT. 



55 



Class 3. All between fifteen and twenty. 

Class 4. All between twelve and fifteen. 

Class 5. All between ten and twelve. 

Class 6. All under ten years old. 

Mr. Holliday further said, before dismissing the 
school to their several classes, that he hoped by next 
Sunday to procure some appropriate songs, after 
which the school would be opened and closed w^ith 
singing, in which it would be desirable that all 
should join who could. He closed with a few earnest 
remarks, in which he urged the importance of good 
conduct on all occasions. He said the first duty of 
young and old was to learn what is right and what is 
wrong, and the next duty was faithfully and loyally 
to do the right on every occasion and under all cir- 
cumstances, and to frown upon and condemn wrong 
conduct wherever seen. If everybody would follow 
this rule, he thought the world would be truly hap- 
py, and that no one could be completely happy who 
failed to follow it. He said it was the object of the 
school, now about to open, to enable as many as pos- 
sible to perform the first duty — the learning of the 
right and the wrong ; the second duty must be per- 
formed, for the most part, outside of the school in 
their every-day avocations. 

The exercises of the day consisted mainly of the 
reading of selections by the teachers to their re- 
spective classes, and remarks by the teachers and 
discussions by the classes thereon. 

In the evening Dr. Pond delivered a very instruct- 
ive and entertaining lecture, giving in the course of 
it many valuable hints for the preservation of health. 
It was well attended and well received. At the 



56 TRY-SQUARE. 



close he gave notice that on the following Sunday 
evening, lawyer Gibson would speak in that place on 
the subject, "How to Beat the Lawyers." 

The social meeting Tuesday night was a very 
pleasant affair, though the house was somewhat too 
full for perfect enjoyment. The doors were opened 
at 7, and the house was cleared precisely at 10:30. 
One part of the floor was kept clear for those who 
wished to dance, and two w^ell-played yiolins fur- 
nished the music. The dancing floor was occupied 
by somebody nearly all the evening. In another 
part of the room a number of little tables were 
placed at suitable distances from one another, and 
all were provided with either playing cards, or chess, 
checkers, or backgammon boards. These tables 
were all patronized, while a considerable number 
only visited or told anecdotes in a very sociable way. 
All were neatl}^ dressed, but there was a conspicuous 
absence of everything rich or gaudy in the attire of 
anyone. 

At the Friday evening business meeting, the com- 
mitteee on constitution and by-laws was not ready to 
rer)ort, and was given another week. The committee 
on applications for membership reported favorably 
on twenty-six applications, and on six applications 
which they had investigated they were in doubt, 
and desired the advice of the meeting. They also 
said there w^ere a number of other applications upon 
which for want of time, they were not prepared to 
report. The twenty-six whose applications had been 
favorably reported were receiv.ed into full member- 
ship ; and it was decided, after some debate, to re- 
ceive the six as to whom the committee asked advice, 



A LAWSUIT. 



57 



into a sort of quasi or probationary membership, 
•without the right to vote, for six months, when fur- 
ther action would be taken on their applications. 

It happened at this time that a lawsuit that had 
excited considerable local interest and feeling was on 
the trial calendar of a court of record at the county 
seat. All the parties resided in the immediate 
vicinity of Pinville, and Uncle Job was the witness 
on whose testimony the decision would turn. It 
seems that a man had commenced an action on a 
promissory note before Uncle Job as a justice of the 
peace, who, as was his custom, had induced the 
parties to compromise, and they had done so on the 
spot — the defendant pajdng the amount agreed upon 
— ^but no memorandum had been made of the settle- 
ment, and the note was not surrendered because the 
plaintiff claimed to have forgotten to bring it w.di 
him ; he promised, hovv^ever, to hand it to Uncle Job 
or ta the defendant the next day. This was neglect- 
ed, and soon afterwards the plaintiff died, and after 
his death his administrators, finding the note among 
the effects of the deceased, demanded payment of it 
from the defendant, who refused, w^hereupon they 
brought the suit in a court of record as above stated. 
Under the rules of evidence, the defendant could not 
be a witness in his own behalf, but he relied on the 
testimony of Uncle Job to prove the settlement and 
payment, while the plaintiffs (the administrators) 
only had to prove the signature to the note in order 
to make out their case ; and it was rumored in Pin- 
ville that they expected to break down and destroy 
Uncle Job's testimony by showing that he was an 
Atheist or some sort of a "religious crank." By 



58 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



Ibis means tlio plaintiffs hoped to win tlieir case 
regardless of right or justice. The trial was set 
down for Saturday morning, and Pinville turned out 
in force to see the fun/' as some of them said. Of 
course, I attended the trial and took notes as usual. 

"When the suit had been called, a jury duly im- 
paneled, and j^laintiffs' counsel had made a brief 
opening," the note was duly proved and the plain- 
tiffs rested. The defendant's counsel then made a 
brief statement of the defense, and called Job Sawyer 
as a witness, who was sworn on the Bible in the usual 
way, after which the following proceedings took 
place : 

Plaintiffs' Counsel. If the Court please, before 
this witness gives any testimony, I desire to ask him 
a few questions to test his competency. 

The Couet. Tou may do so. 

P. C. Mr. Sawyer, do you consider the oath you 
have just taken to be binding upon you? 
Sawyee. I do. 

P. C. Do you consider it binding upon your con- 
science, if you have such a thing? 
Sawyee. Yes, sir. 

P. C. In your mind, sir, from what source does the 
obligation upon you to tell the truth proceed — from 
the law of God, or the law of man? 

Sawyee. From both. 

P. C. But you don't believe in any God, do you? 

Defendants' Counsel. I object. 

The Couet. I think the witness has shown himself 
competent, and that he should not be further ques- 
tioned on this point at this time. 

Eep. The defendant's counsel then examined Uncle 



A LAWSUIT. 



59 



Job at some length, proving the accord and satisfac- 
tion as claimed by the defendant, when the witness 
was turned over to the plaintiffs' counsel for cross- 
examination. The plaintiffs' counsel examined Mr. 
Sawyer at great length on the merits of the case, 
endeavoring to cross and entangle him, but without 
success. "When this had ended, the examination 
proceeded as follows : 

P. C. Now, Mr. Sawyer, you do not believe in any 
God, do you ? 

Defendants Counsel objected and argued that the 
witness was protected from this sort of examination 
by the constitution of the State. 

The Court. I think the prohibition of the consti- 
tution only extends to the question of the competency 
of the witness, and that his religious belief may still 
be inquired into as bearing upon the credibility of his 
testimony. 

P. C. I repeat the question, sir ; do you believe in 
any God ? 

Sawyer. Most assuredly I do. I believe 

P. C. Hold on, sir. I don't want any stump speech 
from you, sir. I want to do the talking myself, and 
you will have enough to do, if you answer my ques- 
tions by 3^es or no. 

Sawyer. I have sworn to tell the whole truth, and 
when answering yes or no will only convey a half- 
truth, I must decline to answer in that way. 

P. C. Do you believe in Jesus Christ ? 

Sawyer. Tes and no. 

P. C. You are pretty cunning, Mr. Sawyer, but 
you can't inveigle me into your trap. I shall not 
give you an opportunity to make a stump speech by 



60 



TRY-SQUARE. 



asking you to explain what you mean by your double 
answer. Do you believe that Jesus Christ was the 
son of God ? 

Sawyer. Yes, sir. I believe 

P. C. Hold on again. You must answer my ques- 
tions and stop. You have recently set yourself up 
as a prophet of some sort of new-fangled religion, 
haven't you? 

Sawyer. No, sir. I have 

P. C, Stop now. Haven't you started a new 
church, so-called, down at Pinville, in which prayer 
is not permitted ? 

Sawyer. No, sir. We have a society there — - 

P. C. Stop, stop. • 

Sawyer. If you will let me explain, I will make it 
all clear to you. 

P. 0. You are entirely too anxious to explain. You 
are not a praying man yourself, are you, Mr. Sawyer? 

Sawyer. I am, sir. I 

P. C. Hold on, sir. I am done with you now. 
You are too tough a customer for me to deal with. 

Defendant's Counsel. Do you wish to make any 
explanation, Mr. Sawyer? 

Sawyer. Unless some explanation is necessary for 
the purpose of this trial, I do not know that I do. 
Inasmuch, however, as the plaintiffs' counsel seems 
to have heard something which he thinks derogatory 
to me, I will say that I have long claimed to be a 
religious man. I admit that my religion is not in all 
respects orthodox, as orthodoxy is now understood, 
but throughout a not very short and somewhat 
checkered life I have always obeyed, to the best of 
my ability, the injunction of Jesus Christ to render 



A LAWSUIT. 



61 



unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto 
God the things that are God's. 

Eep. Here the audience made a considerable 
demonstration of applause, which awoke the sheriff 
and his deputies to activity, and was sternly rebuked 
by the Court. When order was restored, Uncle Job 
continued : 

i Sawyer. I will only say further that at this mo- 
ment, looking back over my whole life, my con- 
science is void of offense toward God and toward 
man. 

Hep. The opposing counsel agreed to submit the 
case to the jury on the charge of the Court, without 
summing ujp. The judge charged the jury briefly 
without referring to the cross-examination of Uncle 
Job. The jury retired about 3 o'clock in the after- 
noon, and remained out until sent for by the Court at 
8:30 in the evening. In answer to the clerk's inquiry 
they said they had not agreed, and that they thought 
an agreement would be impossible. The judge said he 
regarded the case as a very plain one ; that he could 
see no chance for controversy — in fact, that it was so 
one-sided a case that, if he had been asked at the 
proper time to take it away from the jury and decide it 
himself (to direct them what verdict to render), he 
would have done so ; but now the case was with them, 
and they must decide it or remain over Sunday. He 
then ordered them back to their room, where they re- 
mained until 10 o'clock, when he again sent for 
them, and finding them still unable to agree, he dis- 
charged them. I asked the judge (with whom I was 
well acquainted) what would have been the probable 
finale if the jury had found for the plaintiffs. He 



62 



TRY-SQUABE. 



said tliere was no probable about it ; but that I could 
consider it absolutely certain that he would have set 
aside such a verdict quicker than lightning. 

The conduct of the jury w^as so singular that con- 
siderable pains were taken to ascertain the names of 
the unreasonable jurors and their motives ; and the 
result of the inquiry can be told in a few words. Mr. 
Jingleberry was the only juror who had strenuously 
favored the plaintiffs ; but there were five others who 
were willing to decide any way rather than remain 
over Sunday. Jingleberry declared that he would 
remain there till the ants carried him out through 
the key-hole before he would agree to find for the 
defendant. He said he had known .old^Job Sawyer 
by reputation, for years, and that he had always had 
the name of being a black-hearted old Atheist ; that 
he (Jingleberry) had no confidence in the old devil's 
testimony, and that he had no doubt that the defend- 
ant and old Sawyer had put up a job to beat the 
dead man's estate and divide the booty, and much 
else of the same sort. One of the court constables 
stated very positively that during the dinner hour 
(before the trial was concluded) he had accidentally 
stumbled upon one of the plaintiffs in close consulta- 
tion with Mr. Jingleberry in a secluded place under 
the stairs leading to the court-room ; that they 
seemed to be much startled by the intrusion, and 
appeared to be trying to hide something in their 
pockets. The constable said he saw no money, but 
the motions satisfied him that money had passed 
from the plaintiff to the juror then and there. As 
bearing on the probability of the constable's con- 
jecture it should be further said that when Tweed's 



A LAWSUIT. 



63 



ring was exposed in the city of New York, this Mr. 
Jingleberry's name was found on the city pay-roll at 
$175 per month, although he lived more than two 
hundred miles from the city, and had not been 
missed by his neighbors, except about two days in 
every month, when he had a mysterious errand some- 
where eastward. This fact had been thoroughly 
exposed years before the trial in question, and yet 
the officials, whose duty it is to select proper per- 
sons for jury duty, had deliberately certified that 
this man was of fair character and approved in- 
tegrity." 



CHAPTEE VIII. 

THE TKY-SQUAKE APPLIED. 

Hep. Sunday morning the liall was packed and 
jammed as full as it could be some time before the 
hour to open the meeting. After the. singing was 
concluded, Uncle Job commenced speaking as fol- 
lows : 

Sa^^'ee. I have received a letter through the post- 
office, in the handwriting of a woman, but without 
signature, in which my idea that God has no mercy 
nor forgiveness for wrong-doers is argued against 
very vigorously. She says that if my theory is cor- 
rect it will destroy all hope of salvation for ninety- 
nine hundredths of the human family, if not for all. 

I am very glad that the sister has felt free to write 
me this letter, and I hope every one who wishes to 
ask me any reasonable question, or to combat any of 
my opinions in a proper spirit, will feel free to do so. 
Such communications may be sent through the post- 
office, or handed to me personally, or laid on this 
table at any time before the openilig of any meeting. 

I must say, in answer to my gentle correspondent, 
in the first place, that the cause of true religion will 
not be promoted by accepting any proposition as 
sound simply because it seems to satisfy our feelings 



THE TRY-SQUARE APPLIED. 



65 



or hopes. That would be equivalent to believing a 
thing true because we desire it to be so. 

I think the doct;^ine of God's infinite mercy and 
forgiveness is a very pernicious and dangerous one, 
and is a stumbling-block in the way of salvation. I 
think there would be far less sin committed than 
there is now if this baneful doctrine could be ban- 
ished from the minds of men. The doctrine, as I 
understand it, amounts to this : A man may lead a 
long life of wickedness, be steeped in the most vile 
iniquity, never have done a good act in his whole 
life, may have committed countless murders, and yet 
if he repents at the eleventh hour — even on the gal- 
lows — he will be instantly forgiven, all his sins 
liquidated, dissolved, washed out, and he will for- 
ever after be just as happy, and receive the same 
rewards, as another man who has always led a pure 
and perfect life. This cannot be true, for God is 
just, and this is not just. Tet I have heard a judge 
preach it, in the presence of hundreds of people, to 
a brutal murderer upon whom he was about to pro- 
nounce the sentence of death. If this doctrine is 
true, it puts a premium upon sin and crime. If the 
righteous and the wicked are to receive the same re- 
ward, what incentive does a man have to be right- 
eous ? I have positive knowledge that this doctrine 
is full of mischief, because men have confessed to me 
that they have done wrong, knowingly and wilfully, 
with the intention to afterwards repent and be for- 
given ; and they have owned to me that if they had 
not believed in this doctrine of repentance and for- 
giveness, and relied upon it for indemnity, they could 
not have been tempted to do the Avrong. I believe 



66 



TRY-SQUARE. 



there are thousands and millions of so-called Chris- 
tian people who habitually do what they know to be 
wrong, relying upon this mischievous doctrine, who 
would be righteous men and women if they held my 
views instead. They seem to be willing to barter 
away the certain rewards that are meted out in this 
world for good deeds, in exchange for hoped-for re- 
wards in a supposed but uncertain world to come. 

To my mind there is something anomalous, incon- 
gruous, absurd, in using these two words, repent and 
forgive, in one and the same breath. What is repent- 
ance? It is to feel the keenest sorrow, remorse, 
anguish for some wrong done. The moment a man 
begins to repent, in that same moment he begins to 
suffer the torments of the damned. True repentance 
is hell, and I can see no hope of redemption there- 
from, except through reparation of the wrong. If 
the mind lives after death, and re^^aration have not 
been made, or be impossible, the hell must continue 
for ever and ever ; and if the mind becomes more 
highly enlightened by its deliverance from the clogs 
of flesh, as some believe, then it jnust follow that the 
anguish of repentance is correspondingly increased 
in the other world. But it is not necessary to pur- 
sue the theory beyond the grave, for sinners find a 
good deal of hell in this life. The transgressor 
makes his own hell just as surely as effect follows 
cause. To illustrate my meaning, I will call your 
attention to a man, whom some of you know, who 
suddenly grew very rich while holding certain close 
relations with the corrupt reign of Tweed, in the 
city and state of New York. He now goes robed in 
purple and fine linen, and fares sumptuously every 



THE TRY-SQUARE APPLIED. 



67 



day ; but he is despised and execrated by every one 
who understands his history, and he fully realizes it. 
His own blood relatives feel disgraced by the rela- 
tionship, and even the obsequious creatures who 
play the sycophant about him for portions of his ill- 
gotten gold, sneer and crack their jokes at his ex- 
pense whenever his back is turned. I believe he is 
as much in hell to-day as is possible in this world, 
and this is because he is penitent. I believe he is 
so truly penitent, so terribly miserable, that, if he 
had sufficient courage, he would publicly confess his 
sin, and endeavor to make reparation ; but this state 
of mind only adds fuel to the flames of his torment. 
Every dollar of his unlawfully-acquired wealth raises 
its separate blister upon his sensitive conscience. He 
is reaping the legitimate fruit of his conduct, and no 
one within the sound of my voice would be willing 
to bear his burden for all of his wealth. I believe 
this man has already been punished so severely in 
this life that, if he dared make the confession, he 
would exclaim to the world, in the language of Car- 
dinal "Wolsey, Corruption wins not more than hon- 
esty." And I also believe he would concur in the 
advice given by the same penitent cardinal to his 
friend CromwoU : '^Let all the ends thou aim'st at 
be thy country's, thy God's, and Truth'^s ; then if 
thou fallest, O Cromwell, thou fallest a blessed mar- 
tyr." Let us draw an instructive lesson from this 
man's corrupt career and bitter end. Let us not 
covet his corruptly-won riches, nor untruly conceive 
him to be happy in his gilded equipage ; but on the 
contrary, let us remember the internal and eternal 
anguish with which his soul is being consumed ; and 



G8 



TKY-SQUARE. 



then we shall shun him and the wicked path he has 
followed as we would shun pestilence. Let us con- 
stantly apply to him in our thoughts the sentiment 
that, living, he has forfeited fair renown, and that, 
doubly dying, he will go down to the vile dust from 
which he sprung, unwept, unhonored, and unsung." 
In this wa}^ we can create a sort of artificial hell 
which will have as wholesome an influence on the 
conduct of men as the orthodox one. 

I have made a rather lame effort to explain my 
theory in as few words as possible. Nobody is 
obliged to accept it or believe it. I cannot swear 
that my theory is correct (though I believe it is), but 
I feel certain that a belief in it, and practice accord- 
ingly, will tend to make men better in this world, 
while it can in no way interfere with salvation ac- 
cording to the orthodox plan. 

I now turn to the subject which I have had in 
mind to talk about to-day. At quite an early date in 
my adult life, I began to search for some short and 
simple rule of conduct which should be as nearly in- 
fallible as possible, and applicable at once to all the 
relations and conditions of life. All the short rules 
that have ever been formulated for that purpose, so 
far as I was able to find them, seemed to me to be more 
or less defective. Some twenty-five hundred years ago 
Confucius (whom Christians call a heathen) laid 
down this rule, in substance : That which you 
would not have another do to j^ou, do ye not the 
same to him." Some five or six hundred years 
later, Christ introduced what is known as the Golden 
Rule, as follows : ''All things whatsoever ye would 
that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." 



THE TRY-SQUAEE APPLIED. 



69 



I have heard a Christian^ minister argue in the pulpit 
that Christ's rule was much the better of the two ; 
but I confess that I cannot see it so» Both rules 
are most excellent so far as they go ; but either, 
taken alone, I think, falls far short of perfection as a 
guide to be relied upon under all circumstances. A 
man cannot go far wrong if he follows with care and 
in the proper spirit the rule of Confucius ; but there 
are many good acts which go to make up a noble life 
which are not enjoined by it. On the other hand, if 
we should follow Christ's rule strictly and exclusively, 
we might do many things wrong without violating 
the rule. Reduced down to cold logic, the Golden 
Rule amounts to about this : If I wish a man to give 
me a thousand dollars, I must first give him an equal 
sum. If he happens to be the right kind of man, 
be will then return the compliment by giving me a 
thousand dollars, or its equivalent, so that I will be 
exactly even, and gain nothing by the operation. 
Such a performance would be folly. But if the man 
should happen to be one of the ivrong kind, he would 
keep my gift without rendering any equivalent, in 
which case I would be just so much out of pocket. 
This is, of course, an extreme and cold view. It may 
be said that we ought to do as we Avould be done by 
without thought of any return ; but the rule has not 
been much practiced in that way within my observa^ 
tion. 

I should, perhaps, when speaking of the rule of 
Confucius, have mentioned the most glaring defect 
in it. "Without multiplying instances, I will simply 
say that I would be permitted by that rule to make 
a man drunk, if I would be willing to have him do 



70 



TRY-SQUARE. 



the same to me. So it may l)e said also of the Golden 
Bule, that if I am particularly desirous of having a 
man make me drunk, the rule commands me to first 
make him drunk. In short, both of these rules seek 
to control the acts of men, not as questions of right 
or wrong, but wholly according to the selfish wishes 
or feelings of the actors. 

After much study and reflection, I finally adopted 
a rule which has been my daily and hourly compan- 
ion and guide for many years, under all circumstances 
and conditions. It is this : Every act or word that 
will result in injury to anybody, is wrong, and is 
prohibited. No other act or word is prohibited." 
After using this rule constantly for some time, I be- 
gan to call it my try-square from the similarity, in the 
manner of its use, to the little implement called by 
that name used by carpenters and some other me- 
chanics to determine whether their work is square 
and correct. "Whenever I have any doubt about the 
propriety of any act or word which I would like to 
do or say, I just clap on my try-square in all the dif- 
ferent places where there is any doubt, and if I find 
that any one will be likely to be injured in person, 
property, reputation, or feelings, I refrain from doing 
the act or speaking the word. There are very many 
acts which one may do or not do without injury to 
anybody, in either case, and all such acts one may do 
or not do, at his pleasure. There are also many acts 
of charity and generosity which one may do or not 
at pleasure ; but in reference to such things, my ex- 
perience instructs me that more pleasure is derived 
from the doing than the not doing, both in the doer 
and the doee, provided always, as the lawyers say, 



THE TRY-SQUARE APPLIED. 



71 



that the doer does not injure himself by his gener- 
osity ; for in applying the try-square, one must be as 
mindful of himself as he is of others ; but he should 
be careful that selfishness does not play too impor- 
tant a part in determining his action. If this rule is 
fairly and honestly applied, with the aid of a well- 
trained conscience, I think it will neyer lead anybody 
very far astray. 

Some of my acquaintances, who have heard me 
speak of my try-square, have discussed the question 
wdth me, and have presented the matter in a good 
many different lights. One asked me not long ago 
how the try-square rule would have worked in the 
case of the man wdio fell among thieves, mentioned 
in the New Testament. I answer that the try-square 
w^ould have compelled me to do just as the good 
Samaritan did. If I had been in his place (or of the 
priest or the Levite who passed by on the other 
side), and if I could have had any doubt about my 
duty towards the suffering man, I would have 
brought my try-square into requisition, and would 
have said to myself somewhat in this wdse : There 
lies a fellow-mortal who has met with misfortune. 
I am where I can help him without injury to myself. 
If I leave him where he is, my act in leaving him will 
cause him still greater suffering, and may cause his 
death. My duty, then, plainly is to dress his wounds, 
take him to an inn, and to leave with him something 
more than two pence." But in a case like that, a 
man who has any of the milk of human kindness in 
his breast will not need the try-square to tell him 
^ what he ought to do. There is a grand satisfaction 
that one always feels in the doing of generous deeds, 



72 



TRY-SQUARE. 



and that satisfied feeling lives forever, and affords 
continual recompense for whatever sacrifice one has 
made. That kind of compensation undoubtedly was 
the reward received by the Samaritan for his kind- 
ness. And oh, how mean, how contemptible, how 
devoid of all self-respect must the priest and Levite 
have felt in their own minds as long as they lived, 
whenever they thought of the poor, unfortunate man 
whom, in their selfishness, they had left to suffer 
and to die ! 

A man once asked me how the try-square would 
work in the case of a man who commits adultery 
without his wife's knowing or ever hearing of it ; and 
he quoted Shakspere as saying, in reference to such 
cases, that a person who is robbed and don't know it 
is not robbed at all. I answer that the knowledge, 
or want of it, on the part of the injured person makes 
no difference whatever in the quality of the act. A 
clerk may filch money from the till of his employer, 
and the employer may never realize it, but he is 
wronged to the same extent as though he knew it, 
and the clerk is all the same a thief. But the case 
of adultery is somewhat different. God has planted 
in the human mind that feeling or sentiment which 
requires absolute purity and fidelity in both partners 
to a true marriage ; and, in regard to the question 
we are now speaking of, it does not matter whether 
the marriage is a natural or a legal one, for we some- 
times see a couple as thoroughly and truly married 
by a union of love, without the legal tie, as though 
all the legal forms had been administered. No truly 
married person could ever consent to allow his part- 
ner to commit adultery, not even if it could be done 



THE TRY-SQUARE APPLIED. 



73 



without liis knowledge ; and, therefore, if such truly 
married person, when tempted to commit the offense, 
Would pause and apply his try-square, and ask him- 
self whether he would be willing to have his absent 
partner commit a similar act, and then himself do as 
he would wish his partner to do under similar circum- 
stances, no adultery would be committed. The same 
reasoning will apply to unmarried persons, for no one 
of pure instincts would willingly and knowingly take 
for husband or wife a person who had previously 
been defiled. 

I was once condemning gambling in the presence 
of a man who had heard me speak of my try-square, 
and he 'took me up quite sharply, and stoutly argued 
that gambling could not be condemned by the try- 
square rule. He maintained that if several men of 
ample fortunes should play for small stakes it could 
do no harm to any one. I frankly confess that if 
they would always confine themselves to very small 
stakes, and would be careful to do their playing 
strictly in private so as not to set an example for 
others, and would not spend time in that way that 
could be better employed in other pursuits, no very 
great amount of harm would be likely to flow from 
it. But we all know that men who gamble do not, 
and ivill not, confine themselves to small stakes. "We 
know that they soon get bold, and do their gambling 
in places more or less public, where their example is 
contagious. We know also that the habit is apt to 
grow upon them until they finally spend very much 
of their time in some sort of gambling, to the detri- 
ment alike of themselves and those dependent upon 
them. Sooner or later gamblers will play for stakes 



74 



TRY-SQUARE. 



large enough to ruin them in case of loss, no matter 
how large their fortunes may be. We know, too, 
that thousands, having families that need every cent 
of their money and every minute of their time, spend 
their time and money in gambling, thereby causing 
great suffering to their families. We should also 
remember that gambling frequently leads those who 
engage in it into the habit of using intoxicating 
liquors to excess, and that the two vices together 
cause thousands and millions of innocent people to 
be dragged down in misery and wretchedness to the 
grave. The good example of men of large means and 
ample leisure would have great influence in check- 
ing these and all other vices, while the bad example 
of such men would, of course, have a contrary effect. 
The try-square prohibits a bad example just as posi- 
tively and certainly as it does any other improper 
act. Therefore, taking all these reasons into con- 
sideration (and still other reasons might be men- 
tioned), I warn all men never to gamble, even for the 
smallest stake. 

A similar examination and application of the try- 
square will condemn the use of intoxicating liquors 
as a beverage, even in the slightest degree. For 
more than twenty years I have not tasted any kind 
of intoxicating beverage — not because I was afraid 
of becoming a drunkard, but because I knew that 
countless millions had been ruined by its use, and I 
was prohibited by the try-square from setting an 
example which might be a stumbling-block to my 
fellow-men. 

I was considerably puzzled at one time with the 
fact that the try-square seemed, under certain cir- 



THE TRY-SQUARE APPLIED. 



75 



cumstances, to justify lying and deception. I studied 
over this a good deal, because I supposed it must be 
a defect in the rule, for I had always been taiight 
that lying and deception could never be justified or 
made proper in any emergency whatever, though 
they might sometimes be forgiven when employed to 
prevent the perpetration of some greater wrong. At 
last I divided lying and deception into two classes : 

( 1 ) those which can injure nobody, but may even be 
a positive benefit ; ( 2 ) those which will injure some- 
body. The first class is not condemned by the try- 
square, and I hold that that class may be employed 
Vithout doing wrong in all cases where necessity 
seems to require it; but the second class is most 
emphatically condemned by the try-square, and 
should never be resorted to under any circumstances 
whatever. I know some of the very best Christian 
people who occasionally employ the first class of lies 
and deception, but they always seem to think they 
have done something wrong for which they must ask 
God's forgiveness. I contend that such acts are not 
wrong. To illustrate this a little, suppose a busy- 
body should ask me what I intend to have for dinner 
to-day, and suppose further that I am expecting to 
have a sort of picked-up dinner that I can't take 
much pride in. Now, here I have three ways of 
getting along with the troublesome question: (1)1 
can tell the truth, which will be humiliating to me ; 

(2) 1 can tell him that it is none of his business, 
which will be humiliating to him, and may hurt his 
feelings even beyond mere humiliation ; ( 3 ) I can 
lie to him, and say that I expect to dine on roast 
turkey, which will neither humiliate nor injure either 



76 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



of US, or anybody else. The try-square points out 
the third way as the least objectionable, unless the 
case is one where a good snubbing would be a posi- 
tive benefit to the busy-body, and if so, the second 
way might be employed to advantage. Again, it is 
said that women sometimes lie and deceive with 
reference to their ages. When this can be done 
without injury to any one, there is no wrong in it ; 
but if a woman is sought in marriage, it will be just 
as wrong for her to lie to, or deceive, her intended 
husband as to her age as it would be to steal his 
money. One more illustration. Tou awake in the 
night and hear burglars in the house. Tou have no 
weapon, but you grasp a candlestick as if it were a 
pistol, and threatening to shoot the burglars, you 
thus drive them from the house. You have done the 
burglars no wrong, but, on the contrary, you have 
done yourself a great good ; jet I have heard men 
gravely argue that such action on your part would 
be a sin for which you would be compelled to answer 
to God. I deny it, and contend that if you fail to 
employ such means when they are within reach, you 
would be guilty of a sin for which you would be 
likely to answer on the spot. 

Men who make a business of detecting crime 
habitually practice lying and deception in their voca- 
tion, and for that reason their calling has been 
looked down upon as disreputable by many good 
people ; but their practice is commended by the try- 
square as right and proper, and I maintain that their 
profession is as honorable a one as any other. 

I shall probably have occasion to speak further in 
reference to the try-square hereafter, but I have now 



THE TRY-SQUARE APPLIED. 



77 



reached the limit of time prescribed for this talk, 
and must therefore stop short where I am, with only 
an additional word of advice. Lying and deception 
should be resorted to with the utmost caution. Few 
cases will be found, in actual practice, where truth 
will not serve better than falsehood. If you fre- 
quently lie, or deceive, when necessity does not clearly 
require it, you will soon gain a reputation for unreli- 
ability among your acquaintances, which will be a 
positive injury to yourself, and will thus prove that 
you have violated the try-square rule. 

In compliance with the request of several persons, 
it has been decided to hold the regular Sunday 
meetings at 3 o'clock in the afternoon until further 
notice. One of the persons making this request is 
Gustavus Nash. He wants to attend our meetings, 
but he says, in his rough way, that, in his great 
hurry to get ready in time, he cuts his face and tears 
his undergarments, and finally reaches here in no 
proper frame of mind to enjoy, or get most advan- 
tage out of the meeting. 

After to-day the Sunday-school will commence at 
10:30, and end at 12:30. 

Mr'. Gibson will speak in this place this evening 
at 7 : 30 ; but hereafter the evening service will be 
discontinued as a regular thing, though we hope to 
occasionally have something produced for our in- 
struction on that evening, and whenever we do, 
timely notice will be given. 

At the close of the singing, the audience will con^ 
sider themselves dismissed, with the prayer of their 
pastor that every one will give the try-square a fair 
and honest trial. 



CHAPTEE IX. 



A FUNERAL — WHAT IS DEATH? — BY-LAWS OF THE NEW 
CHURCH — THE PARSON's WEAKNESS. 

Eep. The Sunday evening meeting was fairly w^ell 
attended, notwithstanding rain and mud. Mr. Gib- 
son began by saying that the way to beat the laAv- 
yers was to do exactly contrary to the way most 
people attempt to do* it — that is, they should go to 
the lawyer hefore they got into trouble instead of 
afterwards. The old saying that ''a stitch in time 
saves nine " is just as true when applied to, business 
transactions as it is in domestic affairs. He had 
known instances where from two to five dollars paid 
to a good lawyer for advice before closing a bargain 
would have saved thousands of dollars and years of 
litigation and anxiety. He said that, if the public 
interest should warrant it, he intended to give a 
series of lectures on human law, commen cing as near 
its inception as possible, and briefly showing its ob- 
jects and development, and finally coming down to 
particular laws which all need to understand for the 
proper regulation of their daily conduct. 

The social meeting Tuesday night passed off very 
pleasantly in about the same manner as the first one 
previously described. 

"Wednesday of this week an old gentleman, father 



A FUNERAL. 



79 



of one of the members of the church, was to be 
buried, and Uncle Job was called upon to conduct 
the funeral obsequies. Before consenting to do so, 
he made careful inquiry to find whether all the mem- 
bers of the family of the deceased had joined in 
choosing him, and found that several members would 
have preferred to have tlie services conducted with 
prayer. On learning this, he at once advised a com- 
promise by the calling in of some praying man to 
assist, so that all might be satisfied so far as pos- 
sible. This was finally agreed to, but then it was 
found that none of the regular salaried ministers of 
orthodox denominations v^^ould join with Mr. Sawyer 
in the ceremonies. Uncle Job then offered to withdraw 
entirely, saying that he thought more harm would 
come from having an unpleasantness over a corpse 
than Avould follow a yielding on one side or the other. 
He said he had great respect for the feelings of those 
who conscientiously believed in the efficacy of prayer, 
and he w^ould be very unwilling to do anything to 
wound the feelings of such persons, unless a princi- 
ple should be involved, and in that event feelings 
would have to be disregarded. His friends said 
they were as conscientious as those who believed in 
prayer, and they refused to consent to his proposed 
withdrawal. At length an old Methodist clergyman, 
living in the place, named Sholes, who had not fol- 
lowed his profession for several years, was applied to, 
and he readily consented, saying that he did not see 
how he could serve God to better advantage than in 
the way requested. In a preliminary conference be- 
tween Uncle Job and Elder Sholes, it was agreed 
that the elder should proceed with the ordinary ser- 



80 



TRY-SQUARE. 



vices in his own way down to tlie point where some 
sort of preaching is usually introduced, when Uncle 
Job was to make such remarks or discourse as he 
thought proper, after which the elder was to folloAV 
with further remarks, if he desired, and close the 
exercises in his own way. This plan was carried 
out, and at the proper time. Uncle Job, with great dig- 
nity and solemnitj^, occupied about twenty-five min- 
utes in remarks of his own, wdnding up by reading 
the whole of Gray's Elegy." In the course of his 
talk he said : 

Sawyer. No w^ords or ceremony of ours can in any 
manner affect the dead — neither the part that has ' 
flown, nor the part that we are about to return to 
its original dust — but it is proper that w^e embrace 
occasions like this to draw from them, useful lessons 
for the living. If I knew of any grave faults in the 
character or conduct of the deceased, I should feel 
it my duty at this time to point them out, and to en- 
deavor to give such warning and instruction to the 
living as would cause them to correct any similar 
imperfections in themselves. But, happily, after a 
long and intimate acquaintance with the departed 
one, I am glad to say that I never found any evil in 
him. He never made what is ordinarily called a 
profession of religion, yet he was one of the most 
faithful servants of God that I ever knew, and the 
high esteem in which he was held by all of his ac- 
quaintances and the fair fame which he enjoyed 
among those who only knew him by hearsay gave 
him a fair measure of retoard, even in his life-time, 
for his goodness. That is one of God's ways of re- 
warding his good servants. Why can not, why will 



WHAT IS DEATH? 



81 



not, all mankind lead as proper lives as the one that 
has so recently gone out ? If they would (and they 
could if they would), all . prisons, all court-houses — 
in short, all the machinery of human government — 
could be entirely done away with. Let us resolve 
here and now, in the solemn presence of the dead, 
that we will henceforth do all that in us lies to bring 
about such a happy state of things. 

Socrates said, " No man knows what death is, yet 
men fear it as if they knew it to be the worst of all 
evils and now, after more than two thousand 
years of strife, persecution, torture, burnings at the 
stake, and crucifixions, over that and kindred ques- 
tions, we know no more what death is, nor its mean- 
ing, than was known in the days of Socrates. We 
are here to-day in the presence of an impenetrable 
and awful mystery ; and althougJi we know that no 
prayer of ours can lift the vail, yet each of us is si- 
lently asking himself, "What is death?" But, after 
all, death is no more a mystery than life. Whence 
and what is that subtle and potent principle which 
gathers, organizes, and holds together, for a brief 
space, particles of cold, dead matter, and constitutes 
them a living being? Whencesoever and whatsoever 
the principle is, we have named it life. When this 
principle is present, we say the body is alive. When 
it is absent, we say the body is dead. Life is posi- 
tive ; death is negative. Life is something ; death 
is nothing. Is not life a very high form of Force — 
somewhat like heat, though hiprher ? We see a glow- 
ing iron and we say the iron is hot ; but at length 
the glow ceases, and then we say the iron is cold. 
Heat is positive ; cold is negative. Heat is some- 



82 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



thing ; cold is notliing. The heat does not die, but 
it becomes diffused and changed into other forms of 
Force. May it not be so also with life ? The matter 
which composes the body we know to be indestructi- 
ble, although it dissolves and readily changes its 
form. So, too, the principle that gave it motion (the 
life principle) is also indestructible, and will live 
forever. But the serious question for us is, Does 
this principle — life, mind, soul, spirit, or whatever 
name we choose to call it by — does it retain its iden- 
tity after it leaves the body, or is it dissolved and 
diffused and changed into other forms, like heat, or 
like the dust of the body? This question can not 
now be answered ; but we do know what is, perhaps, 
sufficient for our present need — that death is just as 
natural — just as much ordained of God — as life ; and 
consequently it should be no more feared nor dreaded 
than life : that is, when the faculties of mind and 
body have become ripe for death. God has so made 
us that while the body and mind are vigorous and 
healthy, we tenaciously cling to life ; but when the 
faculties have become worn out, or otherwise im- 
paired, we easily become reconciled to die. This 
was eminently so with my late friend, whose lifeless 
body now reposes in our midst. At seventy years of 
age he could not believe that he could ever be willing 
to die ; but at eighty-eight he was even anxious for 
the final change. He was fully ripened for the har- 
vest, and his demise is no more a proper subject for 
regret than the cutting of the bending grain when 
ready for the sickle. 

Rep. At the Friday evening business meeting sev- 
eral new members were admitted into the church, 



CONSTITUTION OF THE CHURCH. 



83 



but tlie most important business done was the adop- 
tion of a constitution and by-laws for the future gov- 
ernment of the church. As they are short, I give 
them here entire : 

CONSTITUTION. 

Name. The name of this organization is The Church of Prac- 
tical Religion." 

Object. The aim and object of this Church is to teach mankind 
all things essential for their proper guidance and happiness in this 
life, which is deemed to be the true service of God. 

Membership. All persons who have been accepted as members 
of this Church prior to the adoption of this constitution shall be 
deemed charter members. All others hereafter accepted shall have 
equal rights with the charter members by subscribing this consti- 
tution and the by-laws duly made under the same. 

The only creed established by this Church is the rule known as 
the Tr^-Square^ and is defined as follows: Every act or word 
that will result in injury to anybody is wrong and is prohibited. 
No other act or word is prohibited." No person who does not, in 
good faith, believe in this rule, and practice in accordance there- 
with, shall be accepted as a member of this Church; and all mem- 
bers who wilfully violate this rule, or the law of the land, shall be 
expelled. Persons who have led lives of crime or shame, or who 
have made bad slips backward in a general course of good conduct, 
may, after reformation, be admitted into full membership ; but each 
of these shall have a little cross fixed against his name where it is 
subscribed to this constitution — said cross to be in either red or 
green ink, as may be decided by a vote of the Church at a business 
meeting ; the red cross to designate those who have been the hard- 
est cases, and the green cross to designate the milder cases.* 

Government. The government of this Church shall be repub- 
lican in form and in fact. One half of all members in good stand- 
ing residing within five miles of the place where the regular meet- 



* This idea of the crosses was Uncle Job's. He said everybody, 
and especially the young, should be taught that sin will always 
leave an indelible stain. — Hep. 



84 



TRY-SQUARE. 



ings are held shall be necessary to constitute a quorum to do 
business. A majority of the members present at any business 
meeting may make any by-law, or pass any resolution or regula- 
tion by them deemed necessary or proper, within the general scope 
and object of the Church, except to accept new members, or to 
expel a member. No new member shall be accepted, nor any 
member expelled, without a three-fourths vote of all members 
present at any meeting. 

No member shall be expelled without an impartial trial and an 
opportunity to defend himself. 

By-Laws. Immediately after the adoption of this constitution, 
such by-laws shall be framed and enacted in accordance therewith 
as shall be deemed suitable and necessary to carry this constitution 
into effective operation, and the same may be amended, or added 
to, from time to time, as occasion may require. 

Amendments. This constitution may be amended in any respect 
desired by a two-thirds vote of all the members present and having 
a right to vote at any business meeting, but before any proposed 
amendment shall be declared adopted, it shall have been publicly 
read, and a motion for its adoption made, in a regular business 
meeting, and such motion shall lie over at least one week before 
final action shall be taken thereon. 

BY-LAWS. 

Business Meetings. Regular business meetings of this Church 
shall be held on the first Friday in the months of January, April, 
July, and October, at 7:30 p.m., at such place as may be provided 
for the purpose by the executive committee. Regular business 
meetings may also be specially called by the executive committee 
whenever in their judgment the exigency requires it, by giving 
three days' written or printed notice thereof through the post-office 
to all members entitled to vote at such meetiug. 

Committees. Immediately after the adoption of this constitution 
and these by-laws, the following standing committees shall be 
elected for one year, and until their successors shall be duly chosen 
in like manner. 

(1) A committee of three on applications for membership, whose 
duty it shall be to make searching inquiry, and to report in writing 
their conclusion, as to the fitness of any and all applicants for 
membership. 



BY-LAWS OF THE CHUECH. 



85 



(2) An executive committee of five, which shall include the 
actiDg pastor, whose duty it shall be to look after the general in- 
terest and management of the Church when business meetings are 
not in session and can not be conveniently called, and to do such 
other business connected with the Church government as may, 
from time to time, be directed by any business meeting of the 
Church. 

(3) A committee of five, of whom the acting pastor shall not 
be one, whose duty it shall be to sit as often as may be necessary 
and hear all charges of improper conduct against any member, and 
the defense of said member. The committee shall give the de- 
fendant reasonable notice in writing of the time and place of the 
trial, together with a copy of the charges and specifications against 
him, and shall hear and record all evidence oifered, pro and con, 
not manifestly impertinent, and shall report the evidence taken by 
them and their conclusions thereon to the next regular business 
meeting of the Church after the termination of the hearing before 
them, but further time for making such report may be granted by 
said meeting for good cause shown. 

(4) A committee of one, to be called the prosecutor, whose duty 
it shall be to conduct the prosecution of every member against 
whom charges are made, at every step, from beginning to end, in- 
cluding a proper draft of the charges and specifications. 

Pkoceedixgs for Expulsion. On the final report of the commit- 
tee recommending the expulsion of a member, the committee shall 
read before the meeting only such portions of the evidence as may 
be required by the prosecutor, or by the defendant, or by a mem- 
ber of the meeting, and after the reading of all the evidence re- 
quired by any party or member, as well as the conclusions of the 
committee, the prosecutor and the defendant shall have the right 
to argue their respective sides of the case before the meeting for 
such length cf time as the meeting may prescribe — the defendant 
being allowed to speak last. The defendant may be represented 
by counsel at every stage of his defense, if he so desire. The act- 
ing pastor shall not be entitled to vote on the question of the guilt, 
expulsion, or punishment of a member; but he may, if he thinks 
proper, give the meeting his opinion as to what decision should be 
rendered, and for this purpose, he may call their attention to such 
portions of the evidence and the conclusions of the committee as 
he desires to. 

Sunday Exercises, &o. The present arrangement in reference 



86 



TRY-SQUARE. 



to Sunday exercise?, instruction, and social entertainments shall be 
continued until modified or dispensed with by resolution duly 
passed at a regular business meeting of the Church. Places of 
meeting for all purposes shall be provided by the executive com- 
mittee. 

Additional By-Laws. Every resolution of a permanent nature 
hereafter duly passed by a regular business meeting shall be tacked 
to these by-laws and become a part thereof. 

Eep. It will be remembered that at the outset of 
Uncle Job's undertaking, Parson Brownwell had 
promised him his good will and assistance in every 
effort to do good. Notwithstanding that, however, 
the parson had seemed to shun him ever since. 
Uncle Job had seen the parson on the street on 
several occasions, and had tried to get a chance to 
speak with him ; but the parson always appeared to 
have very important business in the opposite direc- 
tion, and so they had never had a word of conversa- 
tion since the one related in the first chapter, until 
Saturday morning of this week, when they happened 
to meet face to face, before either was aware of it, in 
turning the corner of a block in opposite directions. 
The following conversation then occurred: 

Sawyer {extending Ids hand and smiling). Good 
morning, Brother Brownwell, I am very glad to meet 
you. 

Parson (taking Uncle Job's hand, tuith very serious 
face). Good morning, Mr. Sawyer. Tou will have 
to excuse me from much talk just now, for I am in a 
very great hurry. 

Sawyer {stiU smiling), I have observed that you 
have always been in a great hurry every time I have 
seen you since our first conversation. What does it 
mean ? Don't you mean to keep your pledge, then 



PARSON BROWNWELL AGAIN. 



87 



made, to do all you could to help me iu every good 
work? 

Parson (still serious), I am not yet convinced 
that your work is good. 

Sawyer (no?6; serious). But if your will was good, 
you could, at least, have joined with me in burying 
the dead. I was really amazed at your refusal to do 
that. 

Parson. There are reasons for that which I am 
not at liberty to state at present ; but I will say, 
however, that I can hardly fellowship a man who 
criticises Christ's Golden Rule, to say nothing of 
several other things you had said and done which I 
consider highly improper, if not absolutely wicked. 

Sawyer. In my view of things, Christ was only a 
man like other men, and I can see no more reason 
why a rule made by him should be above criticism 
than why one made by you should be so. I am, 
therefore, compelled to believe that the reasons you 
decline to give, were your real reasons. But tell me 
this in confidence, did not Badsinner and his gang 
put a veto on your free action? 

Parson {pulling away). You really must excuse 
me. I said I was in a hurry. 

Sawyer (folloicing). One word more. Are you 
aware of the fact that all the bad elements in all the 
orthodox churches in this village have formed a 
combination with the avowed purpose of overthrov/- 
ing the Church of Practical Religion in whatever 
way they can, foul or fair ? Do you know that Bad- 
sinner is the leader of this combination ? 

Parson. Please do not feel offended with me. I 
assure you that I will do you no intentional wrong, 



88 



TBY-SQUARE. 



and I hope a time may come when I can talk with 
you frankly, and explain some things which require 
explanation, but for the present I must hold my 
tongue. Good morning, sir. 

Sawyer. Good-morning. I am glad you have said 
even that. 

Eep. It may be briefly stated right here that, al- 
though the combination hinted at by Uncle Job, was 
then rather guessed at than hioian, yet it soon be- 
came well understood in certain well-informed circles 
that it was no myth. One part of their plan (which 
had been well carried out) was to bribe the three 
horse-jockeys, political tricksters, and orthodox 
church-members, who managed the three news- 
papers in Pinyille, to preserve a dead silence, in 
their respective papers, in reference to Uncle Job's 
new movement Uncle Job cared nothing for all 
this. He said he expected to have to fight the devil 
at every step, and was ready to do so ; but he didn't 
want the devil to get behind a barricade of ortho- 
doxy, so that every blow struck at him should seem 
to be struck at orthodoxy. This was what he wanted 
to say to the parson, but the opportunity was denied 
him. 

To the parson's credit be it said that it finally be- 
came known that, at the outset, he boldly opposed 
the combination. He told them fiatly that they 
could win no victories with unholy weapons ; that, 
in the way they were proposing to go to work, 
instead of destroying the new church, they would be 
more likely to pull the timbers of the old ones about 
their own ears. The combination then threatened to 
prefer formal charges of licentiousness against the 



THE parson's weakness. 



89 



parson if lie would not acquiesce in their proposed 
work. He was, no doubt, entirely innocent of this 
threatened charge ; but he knew the power and the 
meanness of the combination, and feeling that resist- 
ance on his part would be his own utter ruin, he 
weakly gave way ; and afterwards, as Uncle Job ex- 
pressed it, " he played second fiddle to the devil." 



CHAPTEE X. 



I'ESTING THE TEY-SQUARE RULE — THE TEN COMMAND- 
MENTS — BADSINNER BAFFLED — HISTORICAL. 

Sunday, 3 o'clock p.m. Benson's Hall full. The 
usual music discoursed. 

Sawyer. I liave received a rather larger number of 
communications to-day than seems desirable for one 
occasion, and I shall have to answer such of them as 
I can conveniently to-day, and save over the balance 
for future consideration. 

One person writes as follows: "I thank you a 
thousand times for your 'try-square.' It helps me 
out where nothing else ever filled the bill. Several 
worthless fellows have been in the habit of asking 
me to lend them small sums of money which they 
never intend to pay, and which will do them no good 
if I let them have it. Before I heard of the try- 
square rule, I sometimes lied to them by telling them 
that I had no money with me, or that I had no 
change ; but as I could never feel quite right in 
doing so, I more often yielded to their requests, and 
was bled by them quite freely in the course of the 
year, for I disliked to offend them by refusing. But 
now I blandly tell them that I have no money, and I 
feel that I am doing right instead of wrong." 



JUSTIFICATION BY NECESSITY. 



91 



I want to say to this friend that he should be care- 
ful not to lie where the truth would serve a better 
purpose. If a lie is transparent, it is worse than use- 
less, and, besides that, a little plain talk to the class 
of people he mentions will often do them more good 
than the money they ask for. A plain duty of this 
kind should not be shirked simply because lying is 
easier. 

I am asked, in another note, how I can justify, by 
the try-square, the killing of animals for food. I do 
not know that I can justify it, or ivish to justify it. 
Nor do I know that it has ever been justified under 
any rule. If it can be justified at all, it must be done 
under the doctrine of necessity ; for necessity, you 
know, like charity, covers a multitude of sins. It is 
only upon that doctrine that lying can be defended. 
God seems to have endowed all living beings — ani- 
mals and insects, as well as man — with the right to 
" life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," "Who 
can say, with authority, that an ant, or a do^. has 
not an immortal soul ? The old saying, " Of two 
evils choose the least," seems to come the nearest of 
anything I know of to affording a rule to justify kill- 
ing of animals for food. By that rule it is held that 
I am justified in killing a man who attempts to kill 
me — provided I have no other alternative to save 
myself from great bodily harm. So, if several per- 
sons are cast away in a desert, or on the sea, without 
food, and under such circumstances that all must 
perish unless one is sacrificed and eaten by the oth- 
ers, I think the killing and eating of one or more by 
the others is justifiable beyond question. But if, 
under similar circumstances, animals could be found 



92 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



and slain and eaten instead of men, of course that 
would be the lesser evil (if evil at all) and should be 
chosen. I can conceive of a time and circumstances 
wherein animals had so overcrowded the earth as to 
compel man to kill and eat them for his own suste- 
nance as well as in self-defense. It may be that it 
was in this way that man acquired the taste and 
habit of flesh-eating. Quite probably, also, the prac- 
tice called cannibalism, wherever it has existed, had 
its origin in a similar way. But, as to cannibalism, 
civilized men agree that the practice should cease 
with the necessity. Why does not the same reason- 
ing condemn the eating of all flesh, except in an 
emergency to save human life ? I confess I can not 
see why it does not. I am sure that very few of us 
would eat animal food if each w^as obliged to do his 
own killing. Let one imagine himself killing an in- 
offensive lamb for food — or, still better, let him 
actually undertake the job, and see how he feels. 

Pleased to the last, he crops the flow'ry food, 
And licks the hand just raised to shed his blood." 

I must leave this question without a decisive an- 
swer. What I have said has not been intended for 
argument for or against, but only oral thinking. 
Each must follow the dictates of his own conscience 
until an enlightened public sentiment shall have set- 
tled the question. 

One correspondent says there are several of the 
Ten Commandments that may be broken without vio- 
lating the try-square. If that is true, then it will go 
hard with the Commandments. Such commandments 
will have to be abolished. Let us see how this is. 



SWEARING NOT ALWAYS PROFANE. 



93 



My friend specifies the two commandments relating 
to idolatry, the one forbidding the taking of God's 
name in vain, and the one enjoining the keeping of 
the Sabbath, etc. 

Let us begin with the first Commandment, Thou 
shalt have no other gods before me." Every system 
of religion ever proclaimed anywhere on earth has 
had a similar commandment, expressed or implied ; 
but, of course, it is entitled to respect and obedience 
only when it emanates from the true God. No one 
can fail to see that, while it might not injure or of- 
fend the true God to have mankind set up false gods 
(either graven images or purely imaginary ones), yet 
such a thing would greatly degrade and injure all 
who participated in it, and it would be extremely 
wicked to knowingly instruct the young and ignorant 
that the false gods are other than what they are. So 
we find that the try-square, which condemns every- 
thing wrong, is not in conflict with the first and sec- 
ond of the Ten Commandments. 

As to the taking of God's name in vain, there may 
be differences of opinion as to the nature and degree 
of that offense. For my own part, while I condemn 
the practice, yet I do not believe it injures, offends, 
or affects God any more than it would to shoot a po- 
tato popgun into the air. I have known men, while 
in a whirlwind of righteous wrath, to use God's 
name, by way of emphasis, with tremendous effect ; 
and in such cases, where the occasion seemed to re- 
quire extraordinary strength of expression, I have 
not been able to condemn it, but rather to approve it. 
It did not seem profane under such circumstances ; 
nor did the name appear to have been used in vain. 



TRY-SQUARE. 



In my opinion, Washington's swearing at Lee at 
Monmouth (which some historians have tried to 
cover up) was not wicked or profane, hut 2^iotis. But, 
on the other hand, we have all known persons who 
make use of God's name at the beginning, in the 
middle, and at the end of every short sentence they 
utter. This is offensive to every ear that hears it; 
and, besides, I regard it as a very vulgar habit — a 
great blemish in the possessor of it. Such use of 
strong language in ordinary affairs, instead of adding 
emphasis, detracts from the force, dignity, grace, and 
lucidity of speech. We see, then, that the try-square, 
so far as essentials are concerned, tallies with the 
third Commandment. 

How are we required to keep the Sabbath? I 
think any use of that day that will not violate the 
try-square will be a proper use of it. It must be re- 
membered that the Commandments, like all the rest 
of the Bible, were made by men. They thought 
they had discovered certain truths, and their saying 
that God said so and so was only an emphatic form 
of saying that the things were true ; for all truth is 
God's truth. It had probably been discovered -by 
experience, long before the age of Moses, that an 
occasional day of rest from one's daily avocation was 
needed to recuperate the system for another season 
of toiL The legend existed that God had labored 
six days in creating the universe, and had rested the 
seventh. Doubtless it was in analogy with this 
legend that one day in seven was set apart for man's 
recreation, and such use of the day for thousands of 
years has satisfied mankind that it is proper and 
needful, and has proved the wisdom of those ancient 



SUNDAY KEEPING. 



95 



law-makers wlio ordained it. But we ought to be 
sure that we make no mistake as to the proper man- 
ner of observing the day. Tnj gist of the command- 
ment is that we rest from all labor, and this is not 
intended as a religious rite, but for our physical 
health and re-invigoration. That part of the com- 
mandment which says, " Remember the Sabbath day 
to keep it holy," means simply to remember and keep 
it sacred as a day of rest and recreation. There is 
nothing in the commandment, nor anywhere in the 
Bible, which requires us to go to church on that day, 
or to read the Bible, or to maintain a studied solem- 
nity, or to do any one of the hundred other things 
that some really good people deem essential to a 
proper observance of the day. As I just said, the 
essence of the command is that we sacredly devote 
the day to rest from our regular pursuits, and to the 
gaining of strength for new labor. But this does not 
imply that all of us must do precisely alike on Sun- 
day (for Sunday has now come to be universally 
recognized as the Sabbath). We are to rest, to re- 
cuperate, to recreate, and thus prepare ourselves for 
renewed exertion at our usual occupations. A mo- 
ment's reflection will satisfy anybody that what 
would be rest for one person might be the very oppo- 
site of rest to another. For instance, a farmer who 
has taxed every muscle of his body to the utmost for 
six days, will naturally desire to lounge about on the 
Sabbath, and read, and possibly do some writing, 
and visit with his friends ; while, on the other hand, 
a lawyer who has passed the week sitting in his 
office, reading, writing, and studying, and has had 
far too little time to get necessary physical exercise, 



96 



TRY-SQUARE. 



will feel it to be a great punisliment to be compelled 
to continue in a similar course during the Sabbath. 
It would be rest to him to go into the field and 
spend at least a portion of the Sabbath as the farmer 
spent his six days. Now, it is the province of the 
try-square to so regulate the conduct of these two 
men that neither of them shall be injured, but rather 
that both shall be benefited by the command to rest 
on the seventh day. When the fourth command- 
ment is properly understood, it will not be found in 
conflict withthe try-square. In short, the try-square 
is a sort of latter-day labor-saver, readily supplying 
the place of hundreds of special rules and command- 
ments. 

Rep. At this juncture, three or four sharp cries of 
" Fire !" in different parts of the room followed one 
another in quick succession, and in one minute the 
hall was cleared, with the exception of Uncle Job 
and some fifteen or twenty other men too cool to be 
driven into a panic. It w^as a false alarm, and Uncle 
Job would have been furious had it not been for that 
superb self-command which made him greater than 
he who taketh a city. Three ladies were severely 
injured in the panic, and had to be assisted to their 
homes. In the course of ten minutes about two- 
thirds of the audience had returned to the hall, and 
order being restored — 

Sawyer. I am sublimely confident that this dis- 
turbance was produced by a damnable conspiracy, 
instigated by the devil and executed by his imps, for 
the purpose not only of disturbing our meeting, but 
of breaking down and destroying our Church. If the 
person who started the alarm of fire here will tell 



BADSINNER MULCTED. 



97 



who hired him to do it, and swear to it in court when 
required, I will give him one hundred dollars and 
promise not to prosecute him for his offense. 

Kep. The sequel may as well be told right here. 
Before night, the same day, three men came forward 
separately, and stated that they had made the cry 
of fire, that they had been employed to do so by 
Mr. Badsinner, and each claimed the hundred dol- 
lars. Uncle Job told them to keep quiet for the 
present, and that the reward could not be paid until 
their testimony had been given in court. Mr. Bad- 
sinner soon learned that he had been exposed, and 
began boasting among his associates that the only 
law that could come anywhere near reaching him 
was the one against disturbing religious meetings, 
and that there was no magistrate in the county, ex- 
cepting Uncle Job (and he was disqualified on ac- 
count of his interest), who would hold that the 
assembly disturbed was a religious meeting. Before 
this boasting had gone on many days, the three 
ladies who had been injured commenced suits against 
him, by George B. Gibson, their attorney, claiming 
five thousand dollars damage in each case. This 
proceeding decidedly turned the joke to the other 
side, although Mr. Badsinner continued to boast and 
bluster for several weeks ; but at length, as the time 
for trial approached, some of his friends (probably 
his co-conspirators) came around and wanted to 
hush the matter up by some sort of compromise, and 
finally they were allowed to effect a settlement by 
paying eight hundred dollars to one plaintiff, five 
hundred to another, and three hundred to the third. 
Since then Uncle Job's meetings have not been dis- 



98 



TRY-SQUAEE, 



turbed by false alarms of fire, and tlie combination 
have been quite cautious about treading on danger- 
ous ground. Several other annoyances, like putting 
pepper on the stove, were attempted from time to 
time, but without much effect. It should be added 
that a large majority of the respectable portion of 
the orthodox churches heartily disapproved and con- 
demned the dishonorable course of the conspirators. 
Several members of the orthodox churches actually 
made application for membership in the new church 
who probably would not have done so had it not 
been for the villainous conduct of the combination. 
One of them said he thought Uncle Job's church 
must be a good thing, because Badsinner and his 
gang were so dreadfully down on it, for he never 
knew them to oppose anything bad. 

The full reward of one hundred dollars was paid 
to each of the hirelings who confessed. This was 
not done because it was believed they were legally 
entitled to so much, but because it was deemed best 
to deal liberally with them, thus setting an example 
which might assist in procuring other confessions in 
the future. The whole amount was paid by the 
three ladies who had recovered damages, as they 
would not allow Uncle Job to pay anything. 

Sawyer {continuing), I had marked some pas- 
sages of English history, which I intended to read here 
to-day, interlarded with such remarks of my own as 
should seem to be appropriate at the time ; but since 
the audience has been disturbed, and partly dis- 
persed, I will not go through the programme I had 
marked out, but will let it suffice to read two or 
three odd extracts. 



HISTORICAL. 



99 



In the beginning let me say that the history of 
England is the ancient history of our own people, 
just as the Old Testament is supposed to be the 
ancient history of the Jews, with the difference that 
the history of England has far less of fiction in it 
than the other; and it is just as important, in my 
judgment, that we should be familiar with our own 
ancient history as that we should read the Old 
Testament. We of this generation do not know 
until we read it in the history (and even then we can 
not realize it) that every liberty which we enjoy as 
a birthright, was plucked and wrenched by the 
strong arms of our ancestors from between the 
clenched teeth of crowned and sceptered tyrants, 
who claimed to hold power by divine right. It has 
been truly and grandly said that " the road to liberty 
is paved with the bones and watered with the blood ^ 
of millions." But all crowned heads have not been 
tyrants, and I want to read you a speech which 
Queen Elizabeth, who was greatly loved by her 
people, delivered to her soldiers during a great crisis 
in our history, nearly three hundred years ago. The 
King of Spain and the Prince of Parma were pre- 
paring to invade England with their joint forces, 
which w^ere to be conveyed thence by means of great 
fleets, called an armada, and they fully expected to 
overwhelm and subjugate the English people. There 
was great excitement throughout England, and all 
the people were ready to do their utmost to repel 
the threatened invasion. The queen herself was 
thoroughly aroused, and took the field in person, 
mingling freely with her troops and encamping with 
them. It was in this hour of extreme peril, when 



100 



TRY-SQUARE. 



every nerve in England was strained to its highest 
tension, that the queen made the address I have 
mentioned. I have read it at least fifty times, and 
every time its burning words draw tears in spite of 
me. It is one of the brightest gems I know of in 
literature, and it should have a place in our school- 
books. I will now try to read it to you : 

My loving people ! we have been persuaded by 
some that are careful of our safety, to take heed how 
we commit ourselves to armed multitudes, for fear 
oJ treachery ; but I assure you, I do not desire to 
live to distrust my faithful and loving people. Let 
tyrants fear ! I have always so behaved myself that, 
under God, I have placed my chiefest strength and 
safeguard in the loyal hearts and good will of my 
subjects ; and therefore I am come amongst you, as 
.you see, at this time, not for my recreation and dis- 
port, but being resolved, in the midst and heat of 
battle, to live or die amongst you all ; to lay down 
for my God, and for my kingdom, and for my people, 
my honor and my blood, even in the dust. I know 
I have but the body of a weak and feeble woman, 
but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and of a 
king of England, too, and think foul scorn that 
Parma, or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should 
dare to invade the borders of my realm ! To which, 
rather than any dishonor shall grow by me, I myself 
will take up arms, I myself will be your general, 
judge and rewarder of every one of your virtues in 
the field. I know already, for your forwardness you 
have deserved rewards and crowns, and we do assure 
you, on the word of a prince, they shall be duly paid 
you. In the mean time, my lieutenant-general shall 



HISTORICAL. 



101 



be in my stead, than whom never prince commanded 
a more noble or worthy subject ; not doubting but 
by your obedience to my general, by your concord 
in the camp, and j^our valor in the field, we shall 
shortly have a famous victory over those enemies of 
my God, of my kingdom, and of my people." 

Kep. Uncle Job made some further remarks, giv- 
ing a brief outline of the struggles with King John 
over Magna Charta, etc., and also stating some- 
thing about the civil war, which resulted in the 
execution of Charles I., and he promised at no dis- 
tant day to give a more extended lecture with read- 
ings on both of these subjects, as well as others of a 
kindred nature. 



CHAPTEE XI. 



A POLITICAL EPISODE — THE PBEACHEES SERVE SATAN- 
TRIUMPH OF UNCLE JOB. 

Eep. I find that I must condense more, or I shall 
have a larger volume than I contemplated, and I 
shall therefore try to make this and the next succeed- 
ing chapter bridge over a period of several months, 
during which time the general routine continued 
about the same as it has been outlined in the 
previous chapters. 

At the annual town meeting in April, a successor 
had to be elected to Uncle Job in the office of justice 
of the peace. As has been before stated, Uncle Job 
had been re-elected to the office again and again 
with no serious opposition ; but now Mr. Badsinner 
was determined to compass his defeat if possible. 
Uncle Job did not desire the office, but, like most 
human beings, he did not wish to be driven out of it, 
and yet he felt it to be beneath his dignity to make 
any effort to secure his election. He therefore 
simply said nothing and did nothing. At the Eepub- 
lican caucus the policy of renominating Uncle Job 
was seriously discussed, not in public, but in private 
talks between the party leaders. It was known that 
Mr. Badsinner would spend a considerable sum of 

102 



UNCLE JOB RUNS FOR OFFICE. 



103 



money in buying Totes, and in every other corrupt 
way that would be likely to produce the end he had 
in view, and it was likewise known that Uncle Job 
would do no such thing, and it was believed that the 
number of mercenary voters in the town was suffi- 
cient to turn the scale if money enough was used to 
buy them all up. Some thought it best not to 
nominate a man who would provoke bitter opposi- 
tion, but the majority said they believed the best 
way to do away with political corruption was to let 
it come all from one side, and in so strong doses as 
to make the decent people of all parties sick and 
disgusted. They argued that, while in that way they 
might lose two or three elections, yet sooner or later 
the sheep would separate themselves from the goats, 
and that, when that was accomplished, virtue would 
triumph. The result was that Uncle Job was nomi- 
nated. The next day the Democrats held their 
caucus, and Mr. Badsinner was full of religious zeal. * 
The nomination for justice was offered in turn to two 
men of prominence and good repute, but both de- 
clined. Then Mr. Badsinner took the floor, and with 
great warmth said that it was a disgrace to the town to 
allow a judicial office to be held by a hoary-headed old 
Infidel ; that he, as a Christian man, had determined 
to do what little he could to inaugurate a reform in 
this respect, and that, if no one else would take the 
nomination, he was willing to do so himself, and^ 
stand in the breach alone, fighting the battle single- 
handed if need be. He was then nominated. This 
was Saturday afternoon, and the town meeting was 
to take place on the following Tuesday. Mr. Bad- 
sinner at once hired about a dozen men who never 



104 



TRY-SQUARE. 



had any reputation for goodness, to go about the 
town telling what an awful old sinner Job Sawyer 
was, and what a great shame it would be to elect him 
to so honorable an office as justice of the peace over 
a pure Christian gentleman like Mr. Badsinner. He 
also went to every j^lace in town where strong drink 
was sold, and left five dollars at each place, with 
directions to ''treat the boys" as long as the money 
lasted. He next went, the same night, to see each oi 
the orthodox ministers, to endeavor to induce them 
to mention the subject in their religious services 
next day. "What took place between him and the 
several ministers w^as not publicly known at the 
time, but enough has leaked , out since so that the 
following may be stated as the substance of it : Mr. 
Brownwell, of the M. E. Church, begged to be 
excused, saying that it had been generally under- 
stood as a fixed principle in this country that poli- 
/tics and religion should be kept separate, and, over 
and above all, that he thought it would be a degra- 
dation of the cause of Christ for one of his ministers 
to enter into an unseemly scramble over a local 
secular office of no great importance. Mr. Bad- 
sinner bluntly told the parson that he must, in some 
efi'ective way, put his shoulder to the wheel, or make 
immediate preparation to leave his charge in dis- 
grace. After some reflection the parson promised to 
call personally, on Monday, upon each of the Ee- 
publican members of his flock, and endeavor to 
prove to them that they owed it as their duty to 
God and to the Church of Christ to vote for pro^ 
fessed Christians in preference to men w^ho not only 
denied the divinity of Christ, but doubted the exist- 



MINISTEKS ELECTIONEERING 



105 



ence of Gocl and the immortality of the soul. This 
promise he kept. The Congregational minister also 
had doubts at first about the propriety of complying 
with Mr. Badsinner's request, but a subscription of 
ten dollars to his salary quickened his religious 
ardor so much that at the Sunday evening service he 
stated to his congregation that on Tuesday next an 
important office was to be filled by their votes ; that 
the choice was narrowed down to two men, one of 
whom was a member of a Christian church in good 
standing, and the other was a member of no church, 
was an avowed Freethinker, and was endeavoring, 
though in a feeble way, to overthrow the cause of 
Christ ; and that all professed Christians had a duty 
to perform which needed no words from him to 
point out. 

The Baptist minister was quite intractable until 
Mr. Badsinner called to his aid two or three promi- 
nent Democratic members of the Baptist church. It 
seems there was at the time a sharp division and 
controversy in the church, growing out of some ques- 
tion of discipline, and that the pastor had espoused 
what was likely to prove the weaker side, while the 
aforesaid Democratic members belonged with the 
other side. These members, by promising to join 
their pastor in the church controversy, induced him 
to undertake a similar task to the one above described 
as undertaken by the Methodist minister. It has 
not been learned whether any effort was made by 
Mr. Badsinner with the Unitarian minister or the 
Catholic priest. 

On Monday, a committee of several of Uncle Job's 
friends (some of them members of orthodox churches) 



106 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



called on him and urged liim witli great persistency 
to do something to counteract Mr. Badsinner's work. 
They said it would be a calamity as well as disgrace 
to permit so notorious a villain as Mr. Badsinner to 
hold so honorable an office as that of magistrate, and 
several of the committee, and especially the orthodox 
members, advocated the use of money, arguing that 
it was often necessary to fight the devil with the dev- 
il's own tools. Uncle Job said that the use of money 
in elections was wrong as a matter of principle ; that 
it was condemned by the try-square, and also by the 
law of the land ; that, so far as fighting the devil 
with his own weapons was concerned, he thought 
that course could only be justified in very extreme 
cases — where life, or some similar peril, was involved ; 
"and beyond all that," said he, there is the ^iron- 
clad oath' that the successful candidate must take — 
does anybody suppose that I would pay out money 
to buy votes, and then go before God Almighty and 
swear that I haven't done it ?" This last was said 
with much feeling and considerable em]3hasis. The 
orthodox members of the committee said they thought 
this was one of the cases in which the end would jus- 
tify the means, and that God would forgive whatever 
was wrong in it for that reason, even to the taking of 
the "iron-clad oath." Uncle Job said he was aware 
that some people looked at it in that way, but he did 
not. He felt sure that his God would never forgive 
liim if he should do such a thing ; but even if he could 
feel assured of God's mercy, he could never forgive 
himself, and he cared more for his own self-respect 
than for all else, present or future. 

It was then proposed by one of the committee that 



A METHOD WHICH UNCLE JOB INDORSED. 107 

a fund be raised by subscription among the commit- 
tee and such other members of the party as felt dis- 
posed to contribute, and used where it would have 
most effect in defeating the corrupt work of Mr. Bad- 
sinner. Uncle Job said that he felt the keenest 
sense of thankfulness for the kindly sentiments they 
had expressed towards himself, and that the motives 
which prompted them to make the last proposition 
were deserving of the highest praise ; but yet that 
he could not consent to the proposition. One then 
suggested that it be done without his consent. To 
this suggestion Uncle Job said, with great earnest- 
ness, that if any member of Ms church contributed to 
a corruption fund, or in any way assisted in its use, 
he (Uncle Job) would do all in his powerto have him 
expelled from the church. At this, the committee 
were in despair for some minutes. At last one of the 
committee said, with considerable spirit: "Men and 
brethren, it will never do to let this matter go by de- 
fault. I move that we go forth, with such other good 
citizens as we can induce to join us, and work with 
all our might, and with every lawful means in our 
power, from this hour until the closing of the polls 
to-morrow night, for the defeat of Mr. Badsinner." 
The motion was unanimously carried. Uncle Job pro- 
nounced a fervent "amen," and the meeting ad- 
journed. 

I will state here, what the reader has quite likely 
suspected already, that by this time I had become 
one of Uncle Job's willing and devoted disciples ; not 
that I swallowed all of his notions without qualifica- 
tion, but because of his sturdy honesty and sincer- 
ity, his great originality and apparent independence 



108 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



of all previous thinkers in the same reins of thought ; 
and, withal, the man was lovable by reason of his 
possessing, in a high degree, that indescribable qual- 
ity sometimes called personal magnetism, though he 
was absolutely free from all the arts that so fre- 
quently accompany, and often mar, that quality in 
others. Though I was a comparative stranger in the 
town, I joined heartily in the work of trying to save 
Uncle Job from defeat. To make a long story short, 
about thirty of the best people of Pinville and the 
adjacent rural neighborhood (some of them Demo- 
crats, some of them closing their places of business, 
and many of them men who had never previously 
done anything more in a political contest than to 
vote) now went about industriously among their 
neighbors and acquaintances, arguing earnestly the 
question of fitness of the respective candidates for 
justice. It was found that the work attempted by - 
the orthodox clergy had, in many cases, had an ef- 
fect directly contrary to that intended, some of the 
men approached openly denouncing their pastors, 
and insinuating that they must have been bribed. 
There were, however, a few pin-headed persons who 
appeared to sincerely believe that the election of 
Uncle Job would seriously threaten the Christian 
church with destruction, and with them argument 
was wasted. They would meet every new form of 
stating the case with the allegation that a???/ man who 
believed the Bible was better than any man who did 
not, or something of that kind, in substance. 

Towards night, on Monday, it was learned that Mr. 
Badsinner had engaged a private room within fifty 
feet of tlie polling-place, and was stocking it with a 



TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS' REWARD. 



109 



large quantity of intoxicating liquors for use the 
next day. On learning this fact, a few of the committee 
of citizens before mentioned again held a short confer- 
ence at Uncle Job's house. Uncle Job read them the 
law, and then said that, while he would not expend 
one cent to be used unlaAvfully, yet he would place 
two hundred dollars in their hands to be used in the 
detection of crime and the punishment of criminals. 
Instantly one of the committee seized a pencil and 
paper and wrote the following : 

**$200 REWARD $200. 

Wheeeas, It is a crime to sell or give away any intoxicating 
liquor, as a beverage, within eighty rods of the place where any 
town meeting is held, during the day of such town meeting, from 
midnight to midnight ; and 

Whereas, It is a crime to give, or promise to give, any money, 
or other valuable thing, to influence the giving or withholding of a 
vote at any town meeting ; and 

Wheeeas, Both of these wholesome laws are threatened with 
violation at the town meeting to be held at Benson's Hall in the 
vUlage of Pinville to-morrow : 

**Now, therefore, we, the undersigned citizens of Pinville and 
vicinity, hereby promise to pay the sum of two hundred dollars as 
a rew^ard, or rewards, for the detection and exposure of such 
crimes (if any such shall be committed) and the punishment of 
the criminals — said rewards to be distributed by an impartial per- 
son, so that the share of each recipient shall be proportionate to 
his merits. We also pledge ourselves to render to every informer 
seeking the above reward, or any portion thereof, every reasonable 
assistance in our power to earn said reward by the due and prompt 
conviction of the offenders." 

Then follow the date, and the names of twenty-one 
prominent citizens. It was promptly printed in the 
shape ojf hand-bills, in bold type, well displayed, and 



110 



TRY-SQUARE, 



five hundred copies were circulated and posted all 
oyer town before nine o'clock Monday night. 

Hard work was done next day, and close watch was 
kept of the movements of Mr. Badsinner's gang, in 
order to reduce the effectiveness of their work to the 
minimum. Mr. Badsinner's hirelings (most of them 
drunk) were earning their wages by howling profane 
maledictions against Uncle Job. One half-witted 
cripple, who had no use whatever of his legs from his 
body down, but had perfect use of his lungs, sat all 
day on the floor within a few feet of the ballot-box, 
and, with head thrown back and chest well expanded 
(reminding one of a huge bullfrog), he shouted every 
few minutes something about like this : " Job Saw- 
yer's an Atheist ; he's a Deist ; he's an Infidel ; he's 
a Freethinker ; he don't believe the Bible ; he don't 
believe in nothun'," and this, with very little varia- 
tion, he repeated, without any apparent lack of wind, 
until the closing of the polls. Nobody paid any 
more attention to him than though he had been a 
good-natured dog ; but that didn't seem to annoy 
him any. When the day was done he said, with a 
chuckle, that he had got two dollars for his day's 
work. 

Uncle Job received forty-eight majority, which was 
about twenty ahead of the average Republican ma- 
jority on the balance of the ticket ; but, on justice, 
party lines had been entirely ignored. 



CHAPTEE XIL 



KANDOM JOTS. 

Eep. This chapter will have to be a sort of hotch^ 
potch without much attempt at order or sequence. 

At one of the business meetings of the church, 
Uncle Job said, addressing himself to the teachers 
of the Sunday-school : 

Sawyer. I want to impress upon the mind of every 
teacher of young people the great duty resting upon 
him to teach children and youth how to become 
honorable and useful men and women. This can 
not be done successfully by talking only in a general 
way, but the teacher should endeavor to reach the 
mind of the pupil by directing his attention to spe- 
cial cases for illustration. Children have as much 
pride as grown folks. Try to take advantage of that 
fact by making them proud to be square, frank, and 
honest in all things. You can hardly find any human 
being so low or hardened as to be devoid of all sense 
of honor. To be sure, it is often that kind of honor 
that is said to exist among thieves ; but you will 
find that the person possessing it takes great pride 
in it, and would scorn to do what, to his mind, would 
be a dishonorable act, while he would do other acts 
without the least compunction, which, to your mind. 



112 



XRY-SQUARE. 



are highly reprehensible or even criminal. I can 
not help believing that this state of mind is largely 
due to the man's education, or lack of it. It must be 
that if a person, such as I have supposed, had been 
properly trained, while j^oung, to know what be- 
havior an enlightened public opinion would consider 
dishonorable, those sparks of honor and pride which 
Ave find not yet quite dead in him would have been 
broadened and deepened and heightened until they 
would have embraced the whole range of his mind 
and conduct. There is always a stage in the life of 
a young person, when his instructors and associa- 
tions have everything to do with his future career, 
and therefore in these days, where so many associa- 
tions are more or less corrupt, it is especially im- 
portant that the instructors shall do their duty with 
the greatest thoroughness. Speaking of associations 
leads me to illustrate a little. I have actually found 
young men who have become so accustomed to see- 
ing votes bought and sold on election day, and hear- 
ing it talked about in a matter-of-fact way, that they 
are astounded when told that such things are unlaw- 
ful or improper. They ought to have been taught 
in childhood to despise both the buyer and the 
seller, and to so highly prize their birthright of free- 
dom for its own sake, and for the sake of their 
ancestors who fought, bled, and died to procure it 
for them, that they can never be induced to barter 
it away for any price whatever. 

We are accustomed to speak of conscience as a safe 
guide when its dictates are obeyed, and this is true 
of a well-trained conscience, but not otherwise. Con- 
science, in its broad sense, means knowledge, and 



AS TO CONSCIENCE. 



113 



knowledge is a matter that does not come to us by 
intuition, but it must be acquired by study, observa- 
tion, or instruction. Take a man, for instance, who 
has had no other schooling than that acquired by 
being born and reared in a modern American 
" saloon." He may have the best of material to 
make a good man of, but his conscience would not 
lead him to the same conclusions on many points, as 
it would if he had been brought up in a better schooL 
Again, a conscience which was once intuitively right 
may have become so dulled and deadened by disuse 
(being constantly ignored or overruled) as to cease 
altogether to prod its possessor at the critical mo- 
ment, and thus save him from transgression. On the 
other hand, conscience will become more highly de- 
veloped, more acute and sensitive, by a careful watch- 
ing of, and obedience to, its dictates. A w^ell-educated 
conscience is as sensitive as the magnetic needle, and, 
like the needle, in seeking for its indications in any 
particular case, great care must be exercised to 
guard it against foreign influences. You know that 
the needle wdll tell the truth only when left entirely 
free ; and it is very much so with the conscience. 
When 3^ou seek its guidance, strive not to influence 
its indications by your wishes, your hopes, or your 
fears, and you will seldom be misled. But if you 
continually try to make your conscience dictate what 
your selfishness desires, it will soon lose all power 
to guide you at all, but will itself be guided by your 
selfishness, and such a conscience as that is a 
dangerous thing to have. Its possessor may commit 
murder wdthout compunction. These facts should 
be pondered by old as well as young people, and the 



lU 



TRY-SQUAHE. 



young should especially be taught that they have 
planted within them a faculty which by right use 
will guide them surely through paths of righteous- 
ness, but which, by neglect or misuse, will allow its- 
owner to be destroyed without raising a warning 
voice against the danger. 

Eep. One day I was walking on the street by the 
side of Uncle Job, and observing that every few 
minutes he raised his hat for a moment or two, I 
finally said : Mr. Sawyer, I have noticed on several 
occasions that you have a habit of frequently lifting 
your hat without any apparent reason ; will you 
please to explain why you do it? 

Sawyer. You have noticed, also, that I am not in 
the least degree bald. • Well, I have preserved my 
hair by the habit you inquire about. The fact is that 
God gave us a natural covering for the head which, 
with most people, would be ample for all purposes if 
they would be content with it ; but fashion decrees, 
not only that the head shall be covered, but what the 
covering shall be. Tou possibly think me no slave 
of fashion ; but I assure you that if it were not for 
the fashion I should wear no hat or cap at any season 
of the year. 

A man becomes bald by the operation of a natural 
law. Snakes are said to have formerly had legs; 
but the snake, for some reason, abandoned the use of 
his legs, and so, by operation of law, they withered 
and disappeared. You seldom see a man bald below 
the line covered by his hat; but you have seen 
thousands whose heads, above that point, are as bare 
as their foreheads. There can be no doubt that this 



ONE OF UNCLE JOB's HABITS. 



115 



result wa§ caused by habitually wearing heavy, air- 
tight hats or caps. Tbis view is strengthened by the 
fact that women (whose head-gear, though sometimes 
outrageous in form, is not so heavy or tight, or worn 
so much of the time, as that of men) are seldom bald. 
You call my lifting of the hat a habit In one sense 
it is not a habit, but a necessity. I have never com- 
pelled my head to become accustomed to the heat 
produced by the long wearing of a hat, and there- 
fore, when the heat under my hat rises to a certain 
point, my head informs me that it is time to let in 
the air. In the coldest day in winter, if I am exer- 
cising, I have to lift an ordinary felt hat at least six 
times every hour. After a man has lost his hair, it 
will be too late to try to go without a hat, for he will 
then need something as a substitute for what he has 
lost ; but young men, by proper care, can preserve 
their hair, or most of it, until old age, unless bald- 
ness has already become hereditary with them. I 
have seen men ride all day in a hot railroad car with- 
out once lifting their heavy hats. I never wear a hat 
long at a time within-doors — not even on a railroad 
train. I can sometimes endure it for a short time by 
cocking it back on my head, or by turning it at an 
angle so that the air Avill circulate round my head. 
If a covering must be worn on the head (and I sup- 
pose it must, or be deemed outlandish), it ought to 
be made so as not to injure the wearer. I have often 
thought that, if I had access to a hat-maker, I would 
have a hat made to order that would admit the air 
freely without the lifting you have noticed. 1 would 
willingly give two prices for such a hat if I could get 
one. 



116 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



All hats ought either to be made of porous stuff, or 
else holes should be made in them for ventilation. 
One hole will not be enough, but there should be at 
least two — one on each side, or one in front and one 
in rear — so as to permit a draft of air ; and it would 
be very handy indeed if slides were so arranged that 
the holes could be widened or narrowed to suit the 
weather, or the whim of the wearer. 

Eep. On another occasion, I was complaining, in 
Uncle Job's hearing, of a terrible canker-sore in my 
mouth. He said he knew of only one thing that 
would cure it. I said he was infinitely ahead of me, 
for I knew of nothing that would do it any good, al- 
though I had tried almost everything. He told me 
to try spirits of camphor, and that he thought two 
or three applications, from six to ten hours apart, 
would drive it away. He said the solution should 
be as strong of camphor as possible — stronger than 
usually made by the druggists — in order to obtain 
the best results. He also gave minute directions for 
the application, to wit : First dry the affected part 
with a dry cloth, and keep it free from moisture dur- 
ing the treatment (about one minute). Apply the 
liquid with a stick or straw, one drop at a time, until 
four or five drops have been applied. Hold still 
until the liquor evaporates ; then let go, and you will 
forget all about your canker until it is time to give it 
another dose. 

I tried the remedy at once, and have had occasion 
to do so two or three times since, and I consider it a 
sure cure. No person who has ever suffered from 
these vicious little sores will blame me for this ob- 



NEEDED INSTRUCTION. 



117 



trusion — certainly not after he has tried the remedy. 
One Sunday afternoon, in the prelude to the regu- 
lar sermon, the following occurred : 

Sawyer. One of the teachers in the Sunday-school 
drops me a note asking what he is to teach the chil- 
dren as to who made them. I see no need of chang- 
ing the orthodox catechism in that regard. God 
made us all— the world and all that therein is 
but as soon as a child is old enough to understand 
the matter, he should be instructed in the true nature 
and attributes of God, in so far as we feel sure that 
we know them, and matters of doubt may well be 
left until the child becomes able to reason for him- 
self. 

I have a suspicion that the interrogator in this 
case had doubts in his own mind whether he ought 
not to instruct the child that he was made by his 
earthly parents. I think this unnecessary and 
hardly proper for young children ; but I am well 
convinced that no child of either sex should be al- 
lowed to progress far into its teens without being 
thoroughly instructed, by competent teachers, in all 
that pertains to the reproduction of the human spe- 
cies. The way the J^oung are obliged to get their 
knowledge of these very important matters at the 
present day is a shame to civilization. 

At another time, in a business meeting. Uncle Job 
said : I wish we could have a department of our Sun- 
day-school where girls (and boys too, if they wish) 
could be taught, in a practical way, all the essentials 
of housekeeping. I suppose it cannot be' done very 
conveniently ; but, at all events, I hope no girl will 



118 



TRY-SQUARE. 



grow up in tliis churcli without being made to re'alize 
that no accomplishment gives so much grace and 
dignity to a woman as a thorough, practical knowl- 
edge of the arts of housekeeping, including kitchen 
and laundry work. Other accomplishments are de- 
sirable ; but the possessor of all others combined, if 
she lack this one, will be like the house built on the 
sand. I could never understand why so many peo- 
ple regard housework as degrading. I have known 
quite intelligent young women who seemed to feel 
ashamed to admit that they ever did any work, even 
in their own homes ; and I have seen other silly 
creatures who proclaimed with seeming pride that 
they did not know how to do any kind of domestic 
work. I always feel sorry for such people. 

About the only thing that I feel proud of is my 
ability to go into the kitchen, when necessity re- 
quires, as it sometimes does, and prepare a meal 
without asking any odds of anybody. We read that 
Daniel Webster was an expert in the cooking of shad, 
and that he once had a contest with an old darkey, 
who was expert in the same line, each being judge of 
the other's cooking. General Scott, too, is said to 
have given instructions to numerous hotel cooks. It 
is nowhere mentioned that either Webster or Scott 
was ashamed of his knowledge of the art of cookery. 
A girl eighteen years old, with natural faculties, who 
can not, in case of necessity, run a house with her 
own hands, ought to be ashamed of herself; and her 
parents should also be ashamed of themselves for 
allowing their child to grow up in such gross igno- 
rance. 



THE SUPREME BEING DEFINED. 



119 



In another prelude : 

Sawyer. A correspondent reminds me that I some- 
times make use of the word devil, and asks what I 
mean by it. I mean the concentrated quintessence 
of evil, and I have doubts whether the originator of 
the word meant anything different from that. Of 
course, I don't believe there is, or ever was, any per- 
sonal devil, and I don't want anybody to understand 
that I do ; but our language is largely composed of 
idioms, and saint and sinner alike must use the idioms 
in order to be understood. When the ancients sepa- 
rated all things into two great classes, good things and 
evil things, they next sought two nouns, one of which 
should comprehend and represent in a single word 
the great whole of each class, and thus the adjective 
good was changed to the noun God, and the adjective 
evil was changed to the noun Devil, In process of 
time the ignorance, superstition, and imagination of 
the people by degrees invested those nouns with a 
very different meaning from wdiat was first intended 
by them. 

Another correspondent, or probably the same one, 
though in a separate note, asks why I use the term 
Supreme Being when I do not believe in a personal 
God. Perhaps what I have just said may in part 
answer this query ; but I will add further that in its 
primary sense, and when first coined, the word heing 
was a participle of the passive verb to he, and meant 
exactly the same as the word existing. Again, the 
word supreme means highest. Now, if we elevate the 
participle existing into a noun, and create the expres- 
sion Highest Existing, w^e have an exact equivalent 
for the term Supreme Being, and either of those terms 



120 



TEY-SQUAKE. 



satisfies, and is satisfied by, my idea of God as I 
have heretofore endeavored to define it. I do not 
believe that the man who first used the term 
Supreme Being had any more belief in a personal 
God than I have. 

Another asks if I recommend the entire disuse of 
the Bible. By no means. I advise everybody to 
read it, at least once, from A to Izzard, and I assure 
them that they will find hundreds, yes, thousands, of 
things in it to admire, and that are as true as they 
are beautiful. But when you read about animals 
with seven heads and ten horns, or that the sun 
stood still in the heavens at the command of a man, 
or other extravagances, I don't ask you to believe a 
word of it. I do not advise people to read the whole 
Bible because I believe it all to be good, but because 
there is no other way to find the gems that are 
scattered all through it. There was a time when the 
scriptures that now constitute the Bible were frag- 
ments which, with many other similar writings, were 
owned or held by different men in different places. 
Finally great councils of bishops and other clergy 
were held, in which the writings were carefully 
examined, and those that were deemed worth saving 
were put together to make up the Bible, while the 
others were scattered and lost. There can be no 
doubt that if the work of compilation had been post- 
poned until the present age, the Bible would have 
been a very different book from what it is. I think 
it would be an excellent thing to hold another coun- 
cil of wise and liberal-minded men to revise the 
Bible. At least one half of it could profitably be 
expunged, and replaced with the writings of men not 



THE MORNING COCK TALE OF ST. PETER. 121 

born nor prophesied of when the former compilation 
was made, 

Eep. One day several men were conversing in a 
social way in Uncle Job's office (a room in his 
house), when some one happening to make use of the 
expression petered out,''' another asked what it 
meant. After several opinions had been rendered, 
Uncle Job was appealed to for his judgment. 

Sawyer. I have often observed that the expression 
is supposed by many people to be quite vulgar, if 
not obscene, and I see that some of you have the 
same notion ; but I think quite otherwise. There is 
no doubt in my mind that the expression was orig- 
inally intended to typify the cowardly conduct of 
Peter in denying Christ. You remember Peter 
talked bravely, and boasted, Though I should die 
with thee, yet I will not deny thee," and yet that 
same night, as the story goes, he denied him thrice 
before the cock crew. In this view the word Petered 
is full of meaning, and I think it should be spelled 
with a capital P, and the first e should not be 
doubled, as is sometimes done. 

During the same conversation one of the party 
made reference to Uncle Job as a Freethinker, 
whereupon — 

Sawyer. While I am proud to believe that my 
thoughts are absolutely free and untrammeled, yet I 
do not know that I should be altogether fellow- 
shipped by the sect styling themselves Freethinkers. 
I have had opportunity to become acquainted with 
only a few of them, and for the most part I have 



122 



TRY-SQUARE. 



found tliem very earnest, upright, unselfish, and good 
people ; but it lias sometimes seemed to me that they 
have become about as sectarian and dogmatic in 
their way as the orthodox religionists are in their 
way. I am very sorry to feel that this is so, for, if 
true, it cannot fail to narrow their field of work, and 
hence diminish their ability to do good. I believe 
they have done, and are doing, great good in the 
world ; but I think they might do still greater good 
by modifying their methods, not to say manners, 
somewhat. Perhaps it will illustrate my meaning 
to say that unwelcome truth, like unpleasant medi- 
cine, may be rendered palatable by coating it with 
sugar. I prefer, under all the circumstances, to be 
called an independent thinker instead of a Free- 
thinker. What the world needs to-day is not a new 
religion, nor a new sect of an old religion, but an 
eclectic religion — one that shall adopt all the good 
points and reject all the bad and worthless points in all 
the religions of the past and present, and such eclec- 
tic religion will not be bound round with iron hoops, 
but will be elastic enough to permit of the greatest 
freedom and diversity of honest thought and speech. 
One trouble with all the religions ever invented has 
been that men imagined true religion to be some- 
thing far above and beyond them — something that 
they could only hope to attain to by a good deal of 
praying and by special act of divine providence. 
They seem to regard it as something having no con- 
nection with this life, and they take great pains to 
keep it separate from business affairs as much as 
possible. Most men feel ashamed to be found talk- 
ing on religious subjects on a week day. Now this 



DUTIES OF PRACTICAL RELIGION. 123 



should all be reversed. Religion is natural, and it 
should be practical, A man should never engage in 
any pursuit that will require him to leave his religion 
behind; but his religion should be his constant 
companion and guide, as well in business and pleas- 
ure as during what are called hours of worship. I 
am not now intending to deny that there may be 
supernal elements in religion, but I do say that it is 
folly to reject all other parts of religion, excepting 
the supernal, when we all know that not more than 
one in ten of the human family ever get even so 
much as a glimpse of the supernatural part. The 
Practical Religionist will not object if his neighbor 
has found a higher element in religion than himself 
has found, and much less should the possessor of a 
higher religion condemn or stigmatize the Practical 
Religionist who faithfully and honestly follows all 
the light that God has given him. The less favored 
one is not to blame for his lack of ability, and his 
more highly favored brother should extend a help- 
ing hand to him ; and this can best be done in one 
church. When all fallacies are removed from re- 
ligion, then all sects and denominations will dis- 
appear, and only one great, broad Church of Practical 
Religion will remain. 

Rep. I cannot close this chapter without giving a 
brief general description of the church work during 
the several months preceding the occurrences to be 
mentioned in the next following chapter. 

Uncle Job made frequent references to his try- 
square, in season and out of season — in short, it 
seemed to have become a hobby with him for some 
weeks after he first introduced it ; but after a while, 



124 



TRY-SQUABE. 



when the novelty of it had worn off, his references to 
it became less frequent. He preached every Sunday 
afternoon to a crowded house. His sermons were 
full of practical hints for old and young, male and 
female, and were interspersed with readings and quo- 
tations from the Bible, Shakspere, Milton, history, 
statute laws, etc. The Sunday evening meetings 
were held at irregular intervals, and generally the 
house was well filled. One Sunday night a traveling 
man exhibited his stereopticon views, with explana- 
tory lecture, free of charge. At another meeting a 
practical machinist explained all the principles and 
modus operandi of the modern steam-engine, illustrat- 
ing by means of a small-sized engine of his own man- 
ufacture, which was placed upon the platform and 
taken entirely to pieces for the purpose. At another 
time one of the townsmen, who had recently returned 
from a visit to South America, gave a description of 
what he had seen and learned. On still other occa- 
sions two young men of the congregation gave histor- 
ical readings — or perhaps they should be called 
lectures interspersed with readings. 

It is needless to say that the interest in the social 
entertainments never flagged. 

The interest which all sorts and conditions of men, 
women, and children took in the Sunday-school was 
truly wouderful. There was a Shakspere class of 
thirty-four, which was conducted somewhat on the 
plan of an orthodox Bible class. Another class grap- 
pled with Milton's Paradise Lost," but soon aban- 
doned it for something easier. There were other 
classes, too numerous to mention — one in Roman 
history, another in English history, another in Amer- 



WHAT I LIVE FOR. 



125 



ican historjj and others still in the poetry of various 
authors. Some of the little ones were trying to com- 
mit to memory beautiful poems and extracts selected 
by their teachers. A class of nineteen boys and 
girls, from ten to thirteen years old, had become so 
proficient in reciting what they had thus learned 
that, one Sunday afternoon, Uncle Job had them re- 
cite in concert from his platform an exquisite poem 
as a prelude to his sermon. The piece so rendered 
was a great favorite of Uncle Job's, and for that rea- 
son, and because the poem is rarely met with in 
print, I think I shall be justified in reproducing it as 
an ending to this chapter. 

WHAT I LIVE FOR. 

BY G. L. BANKS. 

I live for those who love me, 

For those I know are true, 
For the heaven that smiles above me, 

And awaits my spirit, too ; 
For the human ties that bind me, 
For the task by God assigned me, 
For the bright hopes left behind me, 

And the good that I can do, 

I live to learn their story, 

Who've suffered for my sake, 
To emulate their glory, 

And follow in their wake — 
Bards, martyrs, patriots, sages. 
The noble of all ages. 
Whose deeds crown history's pages. 

And Time's great volume make. 

I live to hail the season, 

By gifted minds foretold, 
When man shall rule by reason, 



TRY-SQUARE. 

And not alone by gold — 
When, man to man united, 
And every wrong thing righted, 
The whole world shall be lighted 

As Eden was of old. 

I live to hold communion 

With all that is divine, 
To feel there is a union 

'Twixt nature's heart and mine ; 
To profit by affliction, 
Reap truths from fields of fiction, 
Grow wiser from conviction, 

And fulfil each grand design. 

I live for those who love me. 

For those who know me true, 
For the heaven that smiles above mCj 

And awaits my spirit, too ; 
For the wrong that needs resistance, 
For the cause that lacks assistance, 
For the future in the distance, 
And the good that I can do. 



CHAPTEE XIIL 



SUNDAY AND POLITICS — THE COUNTY CONVENTION — PRO- 
FESSIONAL POLITICIANS — WIRE-PULLERS. 

Sunday iif cernoon, after preliminary music — 
Sawyer. A correspondent arraigns me for engaging 
in political discussion on the Lord's day. I liave re- 
ferred to political matters in no party spirit; but 
only to point out and condemn certain practices 
•which are recognized by the whole civilized world to 
be evil, only evil, and that continually. If the pulpit 
is not a proper place from which to denounce the 
devil and his works, then I think the pulpit had bet- 
ter be kicked over and something new set up in its 
place ; and if the Sabbath has become too sacred for 
anything but the singing of pointless hymns and the 
rehearsal of insipid rehash of things thousands of 
years old, then I saj* the Sabbath has outlived its 
usefulness, and ought to be reformed. For my part, 
I intend to fight the devil wherever I find him, and 
wherever and whenever I can do so most effectively ; 
and if Sunday and the sacred desk, so-called, happen 
to be the most convenient time and place for my 
purposes, then on that day and in that place I will 
- give him wager of battle. 

12T 



128 



TKY-SQUARE. 



I liave been trying for some time to find some 
competent person who would give us a course of 
Sunday-evening lectures on astronomy, and also on 
geology ; but down to the present time I have not 
succeeded. The principal of our high school has the 
ability to give us a large amount of information on 
both of those subjects, as well as much entertain- 
ment, and personally he seems willing to comply 
Avith my request ; but he felt it to be his duty to 
decline unless the consent of the board of education 
was first obtained. So I made application to the 
board of education at a regular meeting, and the 
trustees all looked exceedingly wise, but said noth- 
ing of any consequence in my presence, until finally 
the president said to me that he would see me the 
next day, and inform me of the action of the board. 
I took this as a hint that they did not want to dis- 
cuss the subject in my presence, and left. The next 
day the president told me that the board took no 
action. I persisted in thrusting the question upon 
them at every opportunity, until finally, at the end of 
nearly six weeks, I was informed that the board of edu- 
cation of the village of Pinville had come solemnly to 
the conclusion, after mature deliberation, that it would 
be prejudicial to the best interests of the public school 
to allow the principal of said school to deliver a course 
of popular lectures on the sciences of astronomy and 
geology in the town hall on Sunday evenings. May 
God hasten the day when such narrow-minded 
blockheads shall no longer sit like a dead weight — 
like an incubus — upon the institution where our 
children are compelled by necessity to acquire all 
the education they wdll ever get at public expense ! 



A TEST OE ANY WORK. 



129 



I am now in correspondence with a professor in a 
college of a neighboring county in the hope of 
getting from him the assistance that has been denied 
us here. The only thing that is now in the way is 
the inconvenience of getting back and forth, as the 
public conveyances do not run Sundays. The time 
is coming, and soon, wheij Sunday travel by public 
conveyance will be as common as Sunday preaching. 
In writing to the professor I informed him briefly of 
our movement here and its design, and I must read 
you an extract from his letter in response to mine. 
It was a soothing poultice to the wound my spirit 
had received by the rebuff of our ^chool board. He 
said : " I am not entirely ignorant of the nature and 
design of your movement, having been told many 
things concerning it by residents of your town, whom 
I believe to be perfectly impartial, while sojourning 
there two or three days in the early summer. Of 
course, I can not, and I think I ought not to, give an 
affirmative indorsement to anything that I know so 
little about, but for the same reason I am equally 
far from condemning your movement. I heartily 
approve of its aims, as I understand them ; yet for 
aught I know, its methods, or some of them, may be 
objectionable, and therefore require reforming. But 
as to such things I always act upon the advice of 
Gamaliel (quoting at random) : ' If this work be of 
men, it will come to naught, but if it be of God, it 
can not be overthrown.' At all events, the word of 
God, as it is revealed in the starry heavens and by 
the rocky records of our earth, will do your people 
much good, and assist them in deciding whether 
your work be of God or no. I will gladly comply 



130 



TRY-SQUARE. 



with your request whenever we can surmount the 
difficulty of travel mentioned above." 

I understand that some of my brethren of the or- 
thodox churches think they have made an excellent 
joke on me by styling me a goatherd, they themselves 
claiming to be slieplierds. Now, I don't mention this 
because I care anything about it, for I don't ; but 
because whatever sinister reflection there may be in 
the appellation is upon you as well as me (for, if I 
am a goatherd, it is because I am a herder of goats), 
and I feared that, unless cautioned against it, some 
of you might resent the intended insuit. I hope no 
one will do so. So much for prelude. I have chosen 
for my text this afternoon certain words of Tennyson, 
in his ode on the death of "Wellington — 

He never sold the truth to serve the hour, 
Nor paltered with Eternal God for power." 

A few days ago I attended, as a spectator, a polit- 
ical county convention, and some of the doings there, 
and the thoughts excited thereby, have led me to se- 
lect this text. If the chairman of that convention 
had been such a man as is described in the text, I 
think very likely my remarks to-day would have 
been on another subject, although the conduct of the 
chairman, which I am about to describe, is by no 
means so uncommon as it ought to be. But the 
chairman's crooked work was only one spoke in a 
whole wheel of crookedness. To begin at the begin- 
ning, a perfectly regular caucus, in a certain election 
district, had elected and duly commissioned a full 
set of delegates to represent the district in the said 
county convention ; but these delegates were unsat- 



WIRE-PUIxLERS. 



131 



isf actory to a certain clique of wire-pullers and office- 
seekers, who therefore caused another caucus to be 
called in the district. Nobody paid any attention to 
the new caucus, excepting the said clique of wire- 
pullers, who attended in very small force and went 
through the form of selecting a set of delegates sat- 
isfactory to themselves. Nearly everybody in the 
district laughed at the performance as an absurdity 
and waste of time ; but the delegates made by this 
spurious caucus appeared at the convention and sol- 
emnly claimed the right to represent their district in 
the deliberations of the convention. The aforesaid 
wire-pullers were at work like beavers, among others 
of their kind from all parts of the county, for hours, 
if not days, before the meeting of the convention. A 
foolish custom prevails of allowing the chairman of 
the county committee to name the chairman of the 
convention. The chairman of the committee, in this 
case, was a man who aspires to a high and honorable 
office ; and so the wire-pullers bribed him to name 
the man of their choice, by promising him in return 
their united support, at the proper time, in further- 
ance of his aspirations. The wire-pullers next sought 
a suitable tool for chairman of the convention, and 
they finally pitched uj)on Mr. Hayes, of Needleton, 
who has a very honorable reputation and is not 
known to be an office-seeker, but who is easily flat- 
tered with small favors. He readily pledged himself 
to appoint, for committee on contesting delegations, 
certain persons named by the wire-pullers, if the 
wire-pullers would make him chairman of the con- 
vention.- The next work for the wire-pullers is to 
secure three persons for committeemen sufficiently 



132 



TBY-SQUARE. 



base to pledge themselves, in advance, to bring in a 
report in favor of the bogus delegation I have de- 
scribed. This done, it only remained to get some 
man of apparent respectability to make a motion, at 
the proper time, that the chair appoint a committee 
of three on contesting delegations, and the arrange- 
ments are complete, and the wire-pullers are ready 
to have the convention called to order. Like all dis- 
honest practices, this dirty work has been carried on 
so secretly that the square-toed, straightforward 
men, who constitute the majority of the convention, 
have never suspected it. At the hour appointed for 
the meeting of the convention, Mr. Hayes is nomi- 
nated for chairman, and duly chosen, without oppo- 
sition. He makes a brief speech, in w^hich he thanks 
the convention for the great honor which they have 
thrust upon him to his great surprise and confusion. 
He promises strict impartiality, and hopes, with their 
kind assistance and indulgence, to perform his duties 
with satisfaction to all. He then takes his seat, and 
the proceedings glide along smoothly until the mat- 
ter of the contesting delegations is reached, when old, 
gray-headed Mr. Sayre, of Thimbleburg, rises in the 
back part of the house and gravely moves that a com- 
mittee of three be appointed by the chair to hear and 
decide the questions between the contestants. This 
motion is duly seconded and carried — no one but the 
wire-pullers suspecting the trickery. Mr. Hayes then 
rises with great dignity, and, after looking over the 
convention for nearly a minute, as if selecting proper 
persons for the important work in hand, at last 
drawls out the names of the three persons secretly 
named to him by the wire-pullers. The committee 



SAMPLE POLITICAL CONVENTION. 



133 



withdraw to a private room, followed by the con- 
testants, and, after a jangle of perhaps an hour, the 
committee return to the convention and report that 
in their opinion the bogur^ delegation is in all re- 
spects regular, and entitled to seats in the conven- 
tion, and that their competitors are irregular and not 
entitled to seats. Down to the moment of the reading 
of this report, the members of the delegation that I 
have called regular had been enjoying the most 
serene confidence in the justice of their cause and 
what they had considered the injustice of the claims 
and pretensions of their opponents ; but now they 
are astounded and almost rendered speechless by the 
committee's report. Finally, just before it is ever- 
lastingly too late, one of them manages to stammer 
out an appeal from the decision of the committee. 
The chair announces the appeal and asks the conven- 
tion what shall be done with it. Instantly one of 
the wire-pullers is upon his feet with a motion that 
the appeal be not entertained. He argued at consid- 
erable length that the convention, having no knowl- 
edge of the facts, would be obliged to give the parties 
a new hearing from the beginning ; that the hearing 
before the committee had already consumed an hour 
of valuable time, and a new hearing before the con- 
vention could not be expected to consume less ; that, 
unless haste was made, the convention would be un- 
able, for want of time, to complete its labors that 
day ; that the members of the committee were all 
honorable gentlemen, and equally as competent as 
the convention itself to decide the dispute fairly and 
properly upon all the facts ; that a rehearing of the 
matter would lead to endless discussion and perhaps 



134 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



to unseemly wrangling ; for all of wliich reasons he 
was in favor of dismissing the appeal and sustaining 
the report of the committee. Another of the wire- 
pullers, in another part of the house, rose with the 
air of a sage, and remarked that he heartily con- 
curred in the remarks of the gentleman who had pre- 
ceded him, and for those reasons, as well as for the 
further reason that no question was raised as to the 
honesty, impartiality, and good faith of the commit- 
tee, he would second the motion to dismiss the ap- 
peal and adopt the committee's report. The chair 
then asked if they were ready for the question, 
whereupon all the wire-pullers and all of their friends 
on the floor of the convention began shouting " Ques- 
tion ! question !" One of the defeated delegates un- 
dertook to speak, but being unused to such work, 
and not being made of very stern stuff, he allowed 
the wire-pullers to howl him down ; and so the mo- 
tion was carried, and the deep sea closed smoothly 
over the spot where right and justice had been 
wrecked and sunk. 

The mere statement of this case will bring words 
of condemnation from every fair-minded man and 
woman in the land ; and yet such practices, and 
others equally vicious, are common in the caucuses 
and conventions of all parties in all parts of our 
country. Oh, how long will the piilpit of this en- 
lightened age look upon such iniquity at the very 
fountain-head of our system of government, and 
maintain silence? God of heaven! where sleep thy 
thunderbolts?"^ 



* Uncle Job seemed to make use of this quotation more to give 



THEY ALL DO IT. 



135 



Lest I may be charged with guessing at my facts, 
I will state how I got my information. In the first 
place, I haven't lived in this world sixty years with- ^ 
out learning something of political methods, as well 
as what kind of conduct to expect from particular 
individuals, and from several indications I was 
firmly convinced of the trickery before the com- 
mittee had retired to hear the contestants, and I 
mentioned my belief to several friends sitting near 
me. To make assurance doubly sure, as the conven- 
tion was breaking up, I approached an acquaintance 
who I felt certain was one of the wheel-horses of 
the crooked job, and remarked to him that he had 
executed a very shrewd piece of work. He asked 
what I referred to, as though he thought he had 
done several shrewd things that day (and I have no 
doubt he had). I said I referred to the matter of 
the contesting delegations, and then he smiled all 
over, and went on and told me all about it, substan- 
tially as I have told it to you, and all through his 
story he snickered and exulted over his triumph 
much more, it seemed to me, than would have been 
in good taste if his conduct had been praiseworthy. 
I told him he ought to be ashamed of himself, but 
he only laughed the harder, and said, Oh, they all 
do it." I answered that it was none the less wrong. 
Then he sobered his face, and said : Tes, it is 
wrong. I frankly acknowledge it, and I wish as^ 
heartily as you do that we could engage in politics 
without stooping so low, but you must be aware that 



vent to a fit of indignation that suddenly seized him than on 
account of any special significance in the words themselves. — Rep. 



136 



TBY-SQUAKE. 



there is very little square work done in politics 
nowadays, and tliat little is done by the fellows who 
always ' get left.' I would rather work straight than 
* crooked, but I can t aflford to be forever in the rear." 
He also said that the old idea that " honesty is the 
best policy " was no longer entertained by anybody 
but sentimentalists and " mossbacks that no man 
had ever achieved any great success by adhering 
closely to that policy, and that the great mass of the 
people sounded their plaudits for the successful 
man without stopping to inquire whether the success 
was honestly obtained or not. I said, in parting, 
that I thought if he would exercise the brilliant 
talent I had witnessed that day, in exposing and 
thwarting the crooked schemes of his opponents, 
possibly he would succeed in his endeavors even 
better than by joining issue in baseness and dis- 
honesty. He smiled again as he uttered the single 
word, Perhaps ! 

Now, the iniquity of the scheme I have described 
could not have been carried out in the way it was if 
the chairman of the convention had been what he 
ought to be — an upright man — and hence I throw 
more blame upon him than I do upon any other 
participant in the villainy, even the wire-pullers who 
invented and managed it. Why ? Because a man is 
chosen chairman of such a body because the whole 
body have confidence in his fairness and honesty, 
and believe he will deal impartially by all. A per- 
son whose fairness and impartiality in such a place 
is generally doubted, is never thought of for the 
position, and could by no means get there. Nobody 
looks for honesty and fairness in the wire-pullers, 



VALUE OF A POLITICAL OATH. 137 



and so long as they do not occupy any place of trust 
they at least do not betray anybody's confidence by 
their vicious practices. But when a chairman of any 
meeting, who has pledged himself to be fair and im- 
partial (as he does by accepting the place), designedly 
violates both his pledge and the confidence reposed 
in him, I consider him just as culpable, from a moral 
point of view, as the merchant's clerk who embezzles 
the funds of his employer. A recent law provides 
that a chairman of a caucus or convention may be 
required to take an oath to perform his duties fairly, 
etc., but I see that little attention is paid to this law. 
In fact, even when the oath is taken, it seems to set 
very loosely upon some of the presiding officers. I 
heard one say just after being sworn, "Hm! what 
does a political oath amount to anyway? " I under- 
stood from his manner and his words that the oath 
would have no restraining force upon him. But, oath 
or no oath, if I were chairman of any sort of meet- 
ing, I would no more think of acting unfairly or one- 
sidedly than I would allow myself to be bribed by 
one party or the other who had a suit pending 
before me as a magistrate. Mr. Hayes has sunk in 
my estimation very near to zero since I witnessed 
the transaction I have related ; and one object I 
have had in mentioning his name has been to sink 
him in the estimation of others, and in that way to 
create a wholesome public sentiment concerning 
such matters, in the hope that in that way this great 
evil may eventually be cured, for I firmly believe 
that no man of fair reputation in any community 
will readily consent to do an act which he knows 
must inevitably lower him in the public estimation. 



138 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



If tlie wire-pullers could not find men of good 
repute, who are willing to become cat's-paws in the 
hands of scoundrels, very little of the nefarious 
work I am condemning could be accomplished, be- 
cause the wire-pullers themselves are usually so 
well known that they have to keep in the back- 
ground, as their open or avowed connection with any 
project will often kill it if the people have time to 
reflect. Hence they generally select for figureheads 
and cat's-paws orthodox deacons and rural M.D.'s 
who are vain and weak enough to be duped into the 
contemptible business. I want to be reasonably 
charitable to these people (the deacons and doctors), 
and I will therefore say that I think they do not 
realize the enormity of the sins they commit, but 
that they are often ignorant of the duties they under- 
take to perform, and for that reason simply do the 
bidding of those who gave them the promotion. 
They need to be educated- 

I can not regard the conduct of the committee as 
one whit less reprehensible than that of the chair- 
man. To be sure, they would have had no opportu- 
nity to play the traitor, except through the treachery 
of one higher in authority. But by accepting the 
appointment they pledged themselves to hear and 
decide the controversy like upright men, without 
fear or favor, and a deliberate violation of that 
pledge was no better than robbing a hen-roost. All 
the remarks I have made about the chairman will 
apply with equal force to the committee, and need 
not be repeated. 

I shall not at present bear down very heavily upon 
the chairman of the county committee, for it is pos- 



A MOSa: DESPICABLE BUSINESS. 



139 



sible that he was not informed of the yillainons pur- 
poses of the wire-pullers. He must, however, have 
been acquainted with the character of the men who 
asked him to appoint Mr. Hayes for chairman of the 
convention, and knowing that, he ought to have sus- 
pected that they were trying to make a tool of him 
for some purpose in keeping with their character. 
He cannot escape blame, but for the present we will 
give him the benefit of a doubt, and only charge him 
with culpable stupidity instead of being a designing 
accomplice. Whichever horn of the dilemma he 
may choose, it can not be denied that his weakness 
made the iniquity possible. 

"What remains to be said — what ought to be said 
— in reference to the wire-pullers who instituted and 
managed the whole proceeding? I despise both them 
and their vile ^ conduct, and if every well-meaning 
man felt as I do on the subject, there would be far 
less of crooked political work done than there is 
now. At present wire-pullers are as thick in all 
political parties as frogs are said to have been at 
one time in the ovens and kneading, troughs of 
Egypt, and - the government of this country is almost 
entirely in their hands. Occasionally they become 
so bold and reckless with their wicked performances 
that the people get a glimpse of their work and evil 
designs, and then the righteous indignation of a 
virtuous populace smashes the enginery of corrup- 
tion, and tramples nefarious stratagems into the 
dust. A great majority of the people would always 
be ready to do this, if they only had a reliable leader 
to tell them what machinery to break and where to 
do their stamping. But most people who make a 



140 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



profession of politics are of the unsavory kind of 
wire-pullers I have been describing, and most people 
who do not make a profession of politics have their 
time too much engrossed in earning an honest liveli- 
hood to see and know for themselves all the detest- 
able doings of the professional wire-pullers, and, 
therefore, they need to be kept fully and truthfully 
informed by some one who has both the time and the 
skill to ascertain the facts. This ought to be done 
by and through the press ; but it has come to that 
that the political press is Owned and run, for the 
most part, by the very class of wire-pullers that I 
am talking about, and although they are constantly 
fighting one another, and know* all about one an- 
other's tricks, and are consequently best qualified of 
all the world to give the information mentioned, yet 
that peculiar sort of honor that thieves are supposed 
to possess, almost always keeps them from squeal- 
ing," as they term it, when they get caught in their 
adversary's trap. I have more than once written 
articles exposing some particular piece of political 
trickery, and handed them in for publication in the 
newspaper whose editor I thought would be inter- 
ested in making the facts public, but my articles 
never were put into type. The duty, then, of teach- 
ing and leading the people right concerning these 
important questions, devolves necessarily and in- 
evitably upon those who stand in the house of God 
and profess to preach righteousness therein. For 
my own part, I shall not shirk this duty, but will, 
to the best of my poor ability, endeavor to stem the 
tide of corruption that seems destined to overwhelm 
and destroy this great nation. 



GRADED INFAMY. 



141 



Wire-pullers are graded off in seyeral ranks, ac- 
cording to the dirtiness of the work they perform, or 
according to their ability to "produce results;" but, 
as I view the subject, I see but little real difference 
in them, except that one may be a captain while an- 
other is only a private in the same company. Men 
have sat in the presidential chair of this republic, 
and in the governor's seat of this great Empire 
State, and in other high places, Avho commenced 
their political careers by doing just exactly such 
dirty work as J have described here to-day. In that 
business, as in every other, those who show most 
proficiency on the ground floor are soon promoted, 
and you will sooner or later find them wielding 
power as " bosses " over certain territory of greater 
or less extent; and when they have been thus advanced 
they usually become too high-toned to do, with their 
own hands, the degrading work that they expect 
from their underlings ; but they lay out the plans 
and give directions to their servile tools how to exe- 
cute them, and then fold their own arms and affect 
to know nothing of what is going on. These high- 
toned fellows are generally ambitious to hold office 
sooner or later ; but by far the larger number of pro- 
fessional wire-pullers are not office-seekers for them- 
selves, but sell their professional services for cash, 
or other valuable considerations, to those who are 
seeking office for honor or profit, or both. Nine- 
tenths of the immense sums of money that are used 
nowadays in political campaigns is handled by these 
scalawags — part of it they keep as compensation for 
their dirty work, and part they use in buying the 
votes of such poor, Vv^eak creatures as can be induced 



142 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



to sell. I shall take occasion, in the near future, to 
speak at length on this whole subject of money in 
elections, and I will not, therefore, enlarge upon it 
at this time. 

I have been unable to-day, for want of time, to 
give more than a single example of wire-pulling as it 
is carried on in the political primaries ; but I can give 
you scores of different means that are employed from 
time to time to cheat a free people out of their blood- 
bought right to voice and influence in the govern- 
ment of their country. I may have occasion here- 
after to point out other phases of the same great evil 
and to hold up to public scorn the perpetrators 
thereof. 

These wrongs have a more far-reaching and wide- 
spreading effect than simply to wound the feelings 
of a half-dozen delegates in a rural community. Our 
government has its source, its very root and origin, 
in these election district caucuses and county con- 
ventions. It is in these, if anywhere, that the com- 
mon people of our land are to make their influence 
felt in the government ; and if they are cheated here, 
their much-vaunted right of self-government is lost. 
I do not forget that they still have a right to vote at 
the polls, but, as a general rule, that right is reduced 
down to a choice between two candidates both of 
whom have been placed in nomination by the same 
sort of foul work that we have been considering, and 
there is no great satisfaction in (and certainly no 
great benefit results from) smashing one machine by 
the building up of another that is just as bad. It 
must be plain to everyone that, if all of the springs 



AN EliOQUENT ADJURATION. 



143 



in which the powers exercised by our government 
have their origin are poisonous, or unwholesome, 
then the whole broad stream of government must 
also be corrupt. We have no right to look for purity 
in the government until we have purified the foun- 
tains thereof ; and in that good work every man, how- 
ever humble, can make himself heard and felt by at- 
tending the primary meetings, and there combining 
with other good men who are resolved not only to do 
fair and honorable political work themselves, but to 
compel all others to do likewise or step down and 
out. If men will not take the trouble to attend the 
primaries — the only place where they can make their 
individual sentiments effectively felt by those in 
power — then they have but little right to find fault 
because things do not go to suit them. I hold it to 
be just as much the duty of every good citizen to at- 
tend the caucuses as to vote at the polls. The gov- 
ernment must be carried on by somebody, and if good 
citizens neglect to perform their duties in that re- 
spect, they must expect, as a matter of course, that 
their places will be occupied by the wire-pullers, 
and that bad government will be substituted for 
good. 

Now, you boys and young men who have heard my 
talk to-day, I pray you to resolve immediately that, 
as soon as you are old enough, you will perform 
your whole daty to your country, honestly and faith- 
fully, and will endeavor so to live that when you die 
it can truthfully be said of you, as was said in the 
text concerning the Iron Duke — one of the greatest 
generals England ever had, and who held at one time 



TEY-SQUARE. 



blie highest office in the British goyernment — higher 
than the king — 

He never sold the truth to serve the hour, 
Nor paltered with Eternal God for power/ 



CHAPTEE XIV. 



CHUKCH TEIALSt— NOTORIOUS FRAUDS EXPOSED — UNCLE 
JOB SPEAKS. 

Rep. It was at about this time that the prosecutor 
lodged complaints against two of the members of the 
church ; and although the trial and proceedings 
dragged along several weeks before finally decided, 
yet I think it the better way for me to tell the whole 
story right here, and as briefly as possible. 

One, member, whom I will simply call the defendr 
ant, had been admitted into the Church only five 
weeks before the complaint was made against him. 
In the spring of the year he had been elected as- 
sessor of the town in which he lived (embracing a 
part of the village of Pinville), and was now serving 
his first year in that office. The charge against him 
was that on the — th day of August he had, to- 
gether with his associates, made oath to the assess- 
ment roll to the effect that they had estimated and 
set down the real estate described on the said roll at its 
full and true value, when in truth and in fact the said 
values as set down and sworn to by them were only one- 
fourth of the full and true values of said real estate; 
and the complaint alleged that this was done wilfully 
and in violation of the law of the land and of the 

« 145 



146 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



constitution of the Church. The complaint was 
dra\rn out at considerable length, with phraseology 
similar to a criminal indictment, but I have given 
above the boiled-down substance of it. 

The defendant emj^loyed legal counsel in his de- 
fense, and numerous quirks and twists were made 
with the evident intention of having the decision turn 
on something else than the bare merits. The proof 
was very positive in favor of the prosecution, and the 
complaint seemed, to the non-professional eye, to be 
sustained by the evidence. In fact, it was hardly 
denied by the defendant that the value of the real 
estate as estimated by the assessors was exactly four 
times as great as the values thereof as set down in 
the assessment roll which was sworn to by them in 
due form. After the evidence was all in on both 
sides, the prosecutor and the counsel for the defend- 
ant made arguments before the committee ; but, as 
the points made were substantially repeated before 
the whole body of the Church after the committee 
had reported, I will not consume space by detailing 
what took place before the committee. 

On the coming in of the committee's rejDort (which 
was, in effect, to find the defendant guilty of the 
offense charged, and to recommend him to mercy), 
and the consideration of the subject by the business 
meeting, the defense was in substance this : The 
statute f)rescribing the form of oath was read and 
also the oath as taken (both exactly alike), the 
material portion being as follows : We do severally 
swear that we have set down in the f oreo'oinsr assess- 
ment roll all the real estate situated in the town of 
according to our best information, and that 



AEGUMENT FOR DEFENDANT. 



147 



we have estimated the value of the said real estate 
at the sums which a majority of tho assessors have 
decided to be the full and true value thereof^ c^nd at 
which they would appraise the same in payment of a 
just debt due from a solvent debtor." The defend- 
ant's counsel argued from this that the defendant 
had not violated the law, for tho assessors had duly 
estimated the land at its full valuej but they had not 
sworn, and the law did not require them to swear, 
that they had set doivn the full value in the assess- 
ment roll ; that if the defendant had been guilty of 
any offense, it certainly was aot perjury ; that, even 
admitting that the law^makers had failed to express 
their intention in the statute above quoted, and if 
the defendant had committed a technical offense 
against the spirit of the L^jW, yet his conduct was 
justified by the uniform practice of all the assessors 
in the State ; that he (counsel) had known town as- 
sessors to assess real estate at only one-sixth of its 
true value — they estimated the value all right, but 
they didn't set it down as estimated ; that by com- 
mon consent this was not considered to be a viola- 
tion cf the law; that if the law meant anything 
different from the universal practice, it had become 
a dead letter ; that the people, who were higher 
than the law, did not wish to have this law inter- 
preted or practiced differently from the way the 
defendant had done ; that one community was 
obliged to undervalue its taxable property in self- 
defense, because if one town standing alone assessed 
at the full value while all others divided the true 
value by four, then that single town would have to 
pav just four times its fair share of the common 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



burden, thus receiying a severe punishment in re- 
turn for its virtuous endeavors ; and, lastly, that the 
defendant was new at the business, had not carefully- 
studied the law, and simply did as his older asso- 
ciates did, without any intent to do any wrong, and 
as a wrong intent is the essence of every offense, 
without that wrong intent the defendant could not 
be found guilty, and should therefore be acquitted. 

The prosecutor read another portion of the law, 
preceding the form of oath given above, which com- 
mends the assessors to set down in the assessment 
roll all land at its full value ; and he argued at con- 
siderable length that the defendant liad not only 
violated the spirit, but the plain letter, of the law ; 
that he had committed a crime for which he might 
be indicted b}^ a grand jury, and that, if so indicted, 
his pleas of ignorance, universal practice, common* 
consent, dead letter, etc., etc., would avail him noth- 
ing. The prosecutor wound up his argument with 
the statement that all his symjoathies were with the 
defendant ; that it was known of all men that this 
law relating to the assessed valuation of taxable 
property had been systematically disregarded and 
violated for a great many years by all, or nearly all, 
the assessors in the State ; yet their conduct was 
none the less criminal, and it would be very absurd, 
indeed, for any tribunal, religious or secular, to 
hold that a wilful violator of the law is not a crimi- 
nal if he can prove that a good many other people 
are just as guilty as he is. He added that the proof 
and the law were plain, and that no defense had 
been made or suggested that would stand for a 
single moment in a court of law. 



SAWYEPw'S CHABGE. 



149 



As soon as the defendant's counsel liad finished 
his brief rejoinder to the argument of the prose- 
cutor, all eyes were turned toward Uncle Job, who 
was presiding, and after a moment's pause he spoke 
substantially as follows, keeping his seat : 

SawTlEE. I have been most deeply pained by this 
whole j)i*oceeding from the moment when my atten- 
tioii was first called to the defendant's conduct 
which we are considering. I can not help thinking 
that, whatever he may have thought of the law, he 
certainly must have forgotten his try-square. I am 
especially sorry that anything of the kind should 
have happened so early in our history ; but the facts 
being as they are it is our duty to look them squarely 
in the face, and to make such decision in the 
premises as honest, unbiased men and women 
'Ought to make. Care sliould be taken by all not to 
allow any feeling of sympathy, or its opposite, to 
have any influence upon our minds, and above all, 
let us not make the mistake so often made in church 
trials, of acquitting the defendant , for fear that a 
contrary verdict will bring disgrace upon the church. 
Of all places in the world a church is the last that 
ought to be' employed to cover up sin. Far better 
to let it be known to the world that sinners do 
sometimes creep into the church than to furnish 
proof that when once admitted they will be shielded 
from exposure by the whole power of the church. 

The law, v/hich it is charged has been violated by 
the defendant, was intended by the law-makers to 
secure an equal and exact distribution among the 
taxpayers of the burdens of government in propor- 
tion to the value of the property owned by each, and 



150 



TPA-SQUAEE. 



if honestly and faithfully executed, it would come as 
near meeting the design of the legislators as any 
scheme that human beings are likely to invent ; but 
if the law is persistently and systematically disre- 
garded and trampled upon by all the officers charged 
with its execution, the aims of the law-makers to do 
justice to all alike come to naught, and the taxes are 
imposed by a sort of lottery in which the drawings 
are controlled by a set of wilful law-breakers. There 
is no fair way, no honest way, no just way, to do 
this business, except to strictly follow the law in 
letter and in spirit. 

A point has been made here that the defendant has 
not committed the crime of perjury, and I am almost 
inclined to believe that under the strict rules of in- 
terpreting penal statutes, the defendant could not be 
convicted of that crime before a common law jury, 
although I am perfectly satisfied that the framers of 
the form of oath prescribed for the assessors intended 
that such a case as this should constitute the crime 
of perjury ; but, in order to have freed the case from 
all doubt, the words and set cloiun should have been 
inserted in the oath immediately after the word esti- 
mated. Criminal courts always give the defendant 
the benefit of every reasonable doubt, either of fact 
or law, and that may not be an unwise rule to adopt 
here, taking care, of course, that a reasonable doubt 
be always carefully distinguished from an unreason- 
able and absurd one. But this case does not hinge 
on the question of perjury. The law, independent 
and outside of the prescribed oath, commands the as- 
sessors to set down all real estate at its full value, and 
that command v/as flagrantly violated by the defend- 



defendant' s statement. 



151 



ant, according to the undisputed eyidence, and this 
was a crime at law, as well as a violation of the try- 
square rule which is incorporated into our constitu- 
tion. We cannot retain such a person in our mem- 
bership, even if wo wished to do so, without injuring 
the church and everj^ member of it ; and, therefore, 
obedience to the try-square rule requires us to expel 
the defendant. 

Eep. At this point the defendant asked, and was 
granted, permission to make a personal statement. 
He frankly admitted that he had broken both the law 
of the land and of the Church, and, with tears rolling 
down his face, he begged earnestly and feelingly for 
mercy. He said he had resisted the other two as- 
sessors (who vv^ere old in the business) as long as he 
could ; that they said he was squeamish, was one of 
the goody-goodies," called him an old maid and an 
old granny, said he was too good for this world ; 
that they showed him the old assessment rolls for 
years back, from which it appeared to be the regular 
custom to undervalue the real estate from fifty to 
seventy-five per cent.; that their persuasions and 
raillery at last overcame him and he . reluctantly 
joined his associates in committing the offense for 
which he was now on trial. He pleaded most fervently 
for some other measure of punishment than expul- 
sion. He said that expulsion from the Church would 
blast his reputation and his life. He was willing to 
submit to any land of humiliation, except expulsion, 
which the meeting might see fit to subject him to. 

This speech produced a very visible effect upon the 
meeting. Most of the women had use for their hand- 
kerchiefs^ and several of the men bowed their heads 



152 



TRY-SQUARE. 



and kept tliem in that position for some time. There 
was dead silence for nearly two minutes after the de- 
fendant finished speaking, which was finally broken 

by 

Sawyer. The defendant's appeal has moved my 
sympathies profoundly. But neither sympathies nor 
angry passions should be allowed to unhinge our 
minds from their proper equilibrium. "We should 
not forget that the only defense there is in this case 
is the old, old one dating back to Adam's time. 
Adam said, "The woman gave me and I did eat," 
and Eve tried to screen herself by saying that a snake 
had beguiled her. The defense did not succeed in 
that early day, and I think it ought not to succeed 
now. I can see no other way but that the defendant 
must be expelled. If, in a year's time, he " shows 
works meet for repentance," that is, if he has firm- 
ness enough to adhere to the law in the next year's 
assessment, and should continue, in other respects, 
to be as good a man as I believe him to be, I shall 
be in favor of readmitting him into the Church ; but 
at present I think he should be unconditionally ex- 
pelled. I have said all that I feel called upon to say, 
and I think now that we who have no vote on this 
question should withdraw and leave the others to 
deliberate and decide this question unembarrassed 
and uninfluenced by our presence. I see that the 
constitution and by-laws are silent on that point, 
and a motion may be necessary, unless the sugges- 
tion is acted upon by common consent. 

The Prosecutor. The constitution and by-laws do 
not deprive anybody of the right to vote excepting 
the pastor. It would seem to be manifestly im- 



ANOTHER COMPLAINT. 



153 



proper for tlie defendant to vote on the question of 
his own expulsion, and certainly it would be a very 
delicate matter for the prosecutor to prosecute a man 
efficiently and then endeavor to vote impartially on 
the same question. Then there are the committee, 
who have acted somewhat the part of grand jurors — 
can they truly be called impartial after Jiaving once 
pronounced their opinion ? 

Eep. The result of the discussic i was that a new 
by-law was adopted which excluded from voting the 
prosecutor, the defendant (and his counsel if a mem- 
ber), and the committee. After the non-voters had 
retired, the meeting remained in secret session just 
three-quarters of an hour, when the doors were 
opened and their unanimous decision expelling the 
defendant was announced. It was explained on in- 
quiry that some half-dozen were in favor of a less 
severe punishment, and that nearly all the time that 
the meeting was in secret session was consumed in 
the effort to make the verdict unanimous. 

The other complaint was against Mr. Spalpo for 
attempting, by subterfuge, if not by downright per- 
jury, to escape his fair and just proportion of the 
burden of taxation on his personal estate. Mr. 
Spalpo was an old resident of excellent repute who 
about tAvo years previously had received a cash 
legacy of ten thousand dollars. It seems the asses- 
sors had a rule to assess every man for one-half of 
the personal property they believed he had, while 
they were putting down real estate at one-fourth its 
value, and in accordance with this rule they had 
assessed Mr. Spalpo for five thousand dollars of 



154 



TEY-SQUARE. 



pergonal' estate the year previous to tlie complaint. 
He paid liis tax on that assessment with many 
grimaces, because many of his neighbors, who he be- 
lieyed were worth much more in personal property 
than he was, were not assessed for personal property 
at alh In his efforts to find out how they managed 
to escape he questioned his banker, who told him 
that some escaped by point-blank j^erjury, and that 
others invested their surplus in government bonds, 
which were not taxable. Mr. Spalpo told the banker 
that he couldn't think of resorting to the first alter- 
native, and that he very much disliked to pay the 
enormous premium on government bonds, to say 
nothing of tho reduced rate of interest that the 
bonds would draw. The banker finally said, in sub- 
stance, "There is a way of investing in government 
bonds sometimes practiced which may answer your 
purpose and yet not be open to the objections you 
urge," and the banker proceeded, at Mr. Spalpo's 
request, to explain how it was done. Banks, he 
said, were always dealing in government bonds, and 
would receive any man's order at any time for any 
amount. He said if a man should come to him just 
before the assessors begin their annual activity, and 
should order, say, five thousand dollars' worth of 
governments, giving a peculiar wink, and wanting to 
give his unindorsed note for the whole amount of 
bonds ordered, he (the banker) would understand 
him perfectly, and would say something like this : 
"All right. We have the bonds already in stock, 
and we will transfer them to you, but we shall be 
compelled to hold them in the bank as collateral 
security to your note until the note is paid." You 



SWEARING OFF ASSESSMENTS. 



155 



see, continued the banker, tlie bonds are jours, and 
they are not taxable, and, besides that, you owe a 
debt of five thousand dollars which will oflfset an 
equal amount of other personal property that would 
be taxable but for the debt. In this way you can go 
before the assessors and swear off your assessment 
for personal estate Avith a perfectly clean conscience, 
and after you have passed that ordeal you can come 
to the bank and take up your note by transferring 
the bonds back to us, and the whole thing will not 
need to cost you a single cent, as our trouble will be 
paid for by the ordinary business we are doing for 
you. To make a long story short, Mr. Spalpo acted 
upon the plan pointed out by the cunning banker, 
swore off his entire assessment for personal prop- 
erty, and was consequently arraigned before the 
church for malfeasance as previously stated. Such 
proof was made on the trial that the meeting, as 
well as the committee, were satisfied, and decided 
that Mr. Spalpo never in fact owned any govern- 
ment bonds ; that he never ordered any in good 
faith, nor had any genuine intention of bujdng or 
ordering any ; that his note at the bank never in 
fact had any legal inception so as to create any debt 
or liability against Mr. Spalpo, and that the whole 
pretended transaction was a gross fraud wilfully 
perpetrated by the defendant for the ]3urpose of 
compelling his fellow-citizens to bear the share of 
the public burden which, under the law, should have 
been borne by himself. 

Mr. Spalpo made a very vigorous defense — or it 
would be nearer to the truth to say that he flopped 
around about as energetically as a fish in a net — but 



156 



TBY-SQUARE. 



in spite of all liis efforts the net continued to close 
round liim until every chance for escape was cut off. 
He offered to give the names of twenty members of 
orthodox churches who had escaped taxation for 
years by the same device that he had endeavored to 
take advantage of, and which had been pronounced 
lawful and proper by the highest judicial authority 
in the State. He denied that he was attempting to 
evade the payment of his just share of the taxes, but 
he claimed that when the assessors put down real 
estate at one-fourth of its value, and put down one- 
half of all personal estate, the effect was to make the 
personal property stand just double its fair propor- 
tion of taxation, and he thought when the officers of 
the law were pursuing a man in that way unlawfully 
that the person pursued had the right to resort to 
any kind of stratagem in self-defense. He further 
said, in tones tinged wdth sarcasm, that while this 
Church was holding itself out to be the exponent of a 
j)ractical religion, yet it had set its standards so high 
that conduct which has heretofore passed for good 
Christian behavior was here reckoned criminal, and 
ground for dismissal from the Church. He said that 
church discipline should take into account the fact 
that human nature is weak and sinful, and that the 
penalties should be very light, or remitted alto- 
gether, in all cases of great temptation. 

Sawyer. There is no defense in this case in either 
eqiiity or morals. In fact, I feel as though the 
original offense had been aggravated by some of the 
defendant's language, manners, and conduct during 
the trial. I hardly understood what he meant when 
he offered to give the names of members of orthodox 



THE MORAL STANDARD. 



157 



cliurclies wlio had committed more offenses than he 
had, and still retained their standing in church ; but 
when he scornfully told us that our standards were 
too high, and that our punishments should be regu- 
lated especially for the accommodation of those most 
prone to sin, then it seemed to me that he was cast- 
ing ridicule at us, and was trying in that way to 
cause us to forget the merits of this case, and to de- 
cide it in his favor in order to save ourselves from 
ridicule. Now, it is nothing to us at present how 
many scoundrels other churches see fit to retain in 
their membership, nor have we anything to do with 
the standards of other churches. So far as this case 
is concerned, our standard is no higher than the law 
of the land ought to be, and certainly it will hardly 
be claimed that such law-makers as we have are 
likely to erect too high a moral standard. I have 
given some attention during the progress of this 
case to a decision of our Court of Appeals, which 
holds that such a device as Mr. Spalpo has resorted 
to is not unlawful, even if done for the express pur- 
pose of escaping taxation. But we are not bound 
here by the decision of courts, especially when they 
are, as in the case referred to, manifestly unjust and 
contrary to equity and good morals. Most of the 
judges of our higher courts are wealthy men, and 
some of them, I am informed, pay very light taxes. 
I do not know that any of them make use of the 
government bond dodge ; but if they do, I can see 
how they might be interested in having such a trans- 
action pronounced lawful. What the judges decide, 
whether right or wrong, becomes the law for all of 
us, so far as concerns our dealings with the State. 



158 



TRY-SQUARE. 



But members of tliis Church must conform their 
conduct to the try-square, or be subjected to proper 
discipline. This is by no means the only case where 
the try-square rule differs from the law of the land. 
It would not be unlawful for me to go into the street 
and proclaim to all I meet that my friend, Mr. 
Jonas, is a great liar and wholly unworthy of belief, or 
that I had caught him in the yery act of committing 
adultery ; yet if I should tell either of these things, 
I would myself be a great liar, and would deserve to 
be, and doubtless would be, unceremoniously kicked 
out of the Church. There is force in Mr. Spalpo's 
remarks about unequal assessment of real and per- 
sonal property, but his true remedy for that does not 
lie in an act which only increases as to others the 
injury done by the officers, but rather in the oppo- 
site direction, namely, by making eyery lawful 
effort in his power to compel the officers to perform 
their duties as the law prescribes. One of the ex- 
cuses giyen by the assessors for violating the law is 
that the people do not wish to have the law strictly 
executed. Now, suppose our friend Spalj)o and his 
twenty brethren who are, like himself, dodging to 
escape assessment on their personal property, should 
unite in a determined effort to compel the assessors 
to obey the law, who doubts their ability to accom- 
plish their purpose ? If an assessor should be made 
to feel that the people looked upon him as a crimi- 
nal as he walks the streets, he would very quickly 
mend his ways. Twenty men can do a great deal, if 
they try to, toward creating a wholesome public 
sentiment, and to do so is, I think, one of the first 
and highest duties of citizenship. The defendant 



A DUTY OF SOCIETY. 



159 



said sometliing about self-defense y/liicli may appear 
to some to be more weighty than it really is. I shall 
not deny that it is sometimes proper for a person to 
strike back in self-defense, provided always that he 
strikes at his assailant, and is careful to injure nobody 
else ; but in this case the defendant makes no effort 
to strike back at the officer who, he alleges, has in- 
jured him, but he undertakes to defend himself by 
striking at innocent third parties, and letting the 
offending officer go unpunished. It does not take a 
philosopher to decide that this is highly unjust and 
wrong. 

One word more as to the defendant's sarcasm about 
our too high standard. Our standard is based 
squarely and simply on the question of right and 
wrong, as determined by the try-square, and if there 
are any human beings so base that they cannot re- 
strain themselves from doing wrong, then I hold it 
to be the duty of society to restrain them by impos- 
ing upon them such penalties as may be found nec- 
essary for the purpose ; and the clmrcli ought to be 
the great head and leader of society in this as well 
as in every other reformatory work. If rules are to 
be obeyed only by the good, and to be broken with 
impunity by the bad, as the defendant would seem 
to think ought to be the case, then the rules only 
serve to give bad people an unfair advantage over 
good ones, and rather than that this should be so it 
would be better to abolish all rules and give well- 
disposed people an equal chance in the world with 
the ill-disposed. But the vicious would be the first 
to object to this last proposition, for it would very 
soon put them undei? the influence of a healthy fear 



IGO 



TRY-SQUARE. 



of Judge Lynch. The duty of a good citizen is not 
done by simply obeying the law on his own part ; 
but he should strive to have his fellow-citizens obey 
also, and this is best done by creating and maintain- 
ing a sound and healthy public opinion in support of 
the law. The law will never be lived up to or en- 
forced when public opinion is in a demoralized con- 
dition. One of the objects of this Church is to 
teach men how to be good citizens, and it now has 
an excellent opportunity to give a lesson, with that 
object in view, by expelling this defendant, and I 
sincerely hope that the opportunity will not be al- 
lowed to be lost. 

Eer Mr. Spalpo was expelled by a unanimous 
vote of the meeting, and there seemed to be no sym- 
pathy manifested in his behalf, which was owing, 
doubtless, to the position of defiant effrontery as- 
sumed by him during his trial. 



CHAPTEE XV. 



MORAL PROBLEMS — THE QUESTION OF RETURNING GOOD 
EOR EVIL — MORE ABOUT ELECTIONS. 

The usual time and place for the regular Sunday 
sermon. 

Sawyer. Our mutual friend, Gustavus Nash, asks 
whether strict obedience to the try-square rule will 
require him, when smitten on one cheek, to turn the 
other also ; or to take an eye for an eye and a tooth 
for a tooth. I imagine that my friend smiled all over 
his person when he wrote that little note, and I also 
imagine that he sits back there now laughing in his 
sleeve. Nevertheless I shall undertake to answer 
his question as seriously as I can. Above all else, a 
man ought to hold absolute and complete mastery 
over his own spirit at all times ; and if he succeeds 
in that, his honest judgment at the moment Avhen as- 
sailed will generally dictate the proper treatment. 
There are some persons who can always be instantly 
conquered by returning good for evil ; but there are 
others who would thrive on that treatment, and 
would continue to requite your kindness with un- 
kindness just as long as your meekness held out. 
This is perhaps only another way of saying that cir- 
cumstances alter cases. In the former case I would 



162 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



advise turning the other cheek, but in the latter case 
I would waste no sweetness on the desert air. The 
old Quaker must have been dealing with the latter 
kind of person, of whom he wrote to his wife, ac- 
cording to the poet, as follows : 

" Thee knows I cultivate the peaceful habit of our sect, 
But this man's conduct wrought on me a singular effect ; 
For when he slapped my broad-brim off, and asked, * How^s that 
for high ?' 

It roused the Adam in me, and I smote him hip and thigh." 

I can not, however, bring myself to the point of 
advising any man, under any conceivable circum- 
stances, to undertake the punishment of his adver- 
sary, by violent means, at least. Vengeance is 
mine, saith the Lord," is a saying of the Bible, 
which, being interpreted for practical use, means 
that punishment for all offenses should be laid on by 
the government — by society in its aggregate form, 
instead of by individuals — and I think the doctrine 
is correct. 

Another note asks why we didn't call our society 
the Church of Practical Christiamty instead of 
Church of Practical Eeligion. It seems to me that I 
have heretofore answered that question at least 
once ; but I will say again, in brief, that Christianity 
is sectarian^ while we are 7i07i-sectarian, and we hope 
never to become otherwise. It is not our intention 
to add another sect to the thousands already in ex- 
istence ; but, on the contrary, we have laid our 
foundation as broad as humanity, in the hope of 
eventually swallowing up and obliterating all sects. 

A woman writes this : "You do not seem to. know 



BELIGIO:; AND MOEALITY. 



163 



that your Church, as you call it, utterly lacks real, 
genuine religion. I do not deny that you are a very 
moral people, and your standards of conduct are all 
right as far as they go ; but religion, to one who 
knows what it is, is just as distinct from simple 
morality as light is distinct from darkness. Morality 
only concerns one's outward or physical conduct, 
while religion concerns the soul alone. There are 
many differences, perfectly plain to the initiated, but 
perhaps the plainest of all is that longing, that inef- _ 
fable yearning after God which true religion breathes 
into one's soul, but which the simple moralist never 
feels, and therefore cannot understand. Although 
morality ought to, and usually does, underlie religion 
as a foundation, yet it forms no part of religion itself ; 
but it ends at the point where religion begins." 

Now I haven't the least desire in the world to 
combat a single word that this good woman has 
written. If it is as she says, I say amen to it. Let 
all who can get hold of what she calls genuine relig- 
ion enjoy it to the utmost ; but we poor creatures, 
who know nothing better than practical religion, 
ought certainly to be allowed to get what little com- 
fort we can out of it without being taunted all the 
while by those who think themselves more fortunate. 

I have noticed another difference between morality 
and religion not mentioned by our correspondent, 
and that is that when one has the kind of religion 
she describes — and has it real bad — he generally 
wants to compel everybody else, at the point of the 
bayonet, to get it too. But I don't wish to make 
light of, nor to criticise harshly, any communications 
made in good faith, as this apparently was. I want 



164 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



to encourage, rather than discourage, every thinking 
person to bring forward his notions here, and thus 
make food for thought in the rest of us. I think I 
must, however, call attention to one point in this 
letter. The idea is clearly expressed that niorality 
is not religion, and that religion is something entirely 
different and distinct from morality. It follows, then, 
inevitably, that religion may exist separate from and 
independent of morality. I never supposed this 
could be so, and I am very sure it is not so with what 
I call true religion ; but there must be something in 
it, for it seems, from the newspapers, that the con- 
victs in the state prisons are clamoring for freedom 
of worship. The religion these convicts enjoy must 
certainly be something different from morality. And 
I have seen many people outside of state prison who 
fell far short of being moral persons according to my 
standard, who yet professed, and seemed to enjoy, 
what they called religion. Now, I ask, in all sincer- 
ity, if the possession of that kind of religion is any 
credit to a man or woman, either here or hereafter. 
I have heard mercantile men say that the fact that a 
man belongs to a church never weighs a feather with 
them in deciding whether to give him financial 
credit. This is not as it should be ; and I fervently 
pray that the time will come, and that speedily, when 
the fact that a man is a member of the Church of 
Practical Religion will be a badge of the highest 
honor to him wherever he goes, and entitle him, 
without security, to financial credit for every dollar 
he asks for. I shall make no effort to possess my- 
self of any kind of religion that may be enjoyed on 



MONEY IN POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS. 165 



an equal footing by the convicts in state prison and 
the saints in heaven. 

I read for our instruction to-day from the statute 
law and from the constitution of the state of New 
York. The statute is as follows : 

It shall not be lawful for any candidate for any elective office, 
with intent to promote his election, or for any other person, with 
intent to promote the election of any such candidate, either, 

1. To provide or furnish entertainment at his expense, to any 
meeting of electors, previous to, or during the election at which he 
shall be a candidate ; or, 

2. To pay for, procure, or engage to pay for, any such enter- 
tainment; or, 

^' 3. To furnish any money or other property to any person for 
the purpose of being expended in procuring the attendance of 
voters at the polls ; or, 

*'4. To engage to pay any money, or deliver any property, or 
otherwise compensate any person for procuring the attendance of 
voters at the polls ; or, 

**5. To contribute money for any other purpose intended to 
promote an election of any particular person or ticket, except for 
defraying the expenses of printing, and the circulation of votes, 
handbills, and other papers previous to any such election, or for 
conveying sick, poor, or infirm electors to the polls.** 

The constitution provides that every person who 
has been elected to any office, shall, before entering 
upon the duties of his office, make oath, among other 
things as follows : 

And I do further solemnly swear that I have not directly or 
indirectly paid, offered or promised to pay, contributed, or offered 
or promised to contribute, any money or other valuable tning as a 
consideration or reward for the giving or withholding a vote at the 
election at which I was elected to said office, and have not made 
any promise to influence the giving or withholding any such vote.*' 



166 



TRY-SQUARE. 



Another provision of the constitution reads as fol- 
lows : **No person who shall receive, expect, or offer 
to receive, or pay, offer, or promise to pay, contribute, 
offer, or promise to contribute to another, to be paid 
or used, any money or other valuable thing as a com- 
pensation or reward for the giving or withholding a 
vote at an election, or who shall make any promise 
to influence the giving or withholding any such vote 
. . . shall vote at such election and further 
provisions follow, prescribing the mode of disfran- 
chising the guilty party. 

Eep. Uncle Job read all of the above quotations 
over very carefully and slowly a second time, and 
some parts of them he read several times, mak- 
ing such explanatory comments as he thought neces- 
sary to a clear understanding of them. I can only 
give a summary of that portion of his remarks. 

Sawyer. These enactments are so very plain that 
they require no explanation from an expert ; but 
every person who understands the English tongue 
can comprehend their meaning by the simple reading 
of them, as well as the professional lawyer. The 
statute I first read, after condemning certain things 
which prior experience had shown xo be baneful, 
winds up with a sweeping condemnation of the use 
of money for any other purpose intended to promote 
the election of any person or ticket, except — now 
mark carefully the exception — except for defraying 
the expenses of printing, and the circulation of votes, 
handbills, and other papers previous to any such 
election, or for conveying sick, poor, or infirm voters 
to the polls. Now, every cent of money that is spent 
in any election is so spent solely for the purpose of 



AN EYIL OF UNKNOWN EXTENT. 



167 



promoting the election of some person or ticket, and 
when it is so spent for any purpose not embraced 
within the exception I have just repeated, it is used 
tmlaivfidhj, and the person who uses it, or contributes 
it, for such unhiwful purpose, is a criminal — a rank 
offender against the safeguards erected by our fathers 
for the preservation of that freedom which they had 
purchased for us by their valor and with their blood. 

I believe that very many who use money unlaw- 
fully would not do so if they knew exactly what the 
law is. They have, perhaps, heard that it is unlaw- 
ful to buy votes, and so long as they avoid the very 
act of bribing a voter, they seem to think they are 
doing no wrong. I am determined, therefore, to do 
my part toward teaching them the law, so that here- 
after those who hear me preach shall sin, if at all, in 
the face of full light and knowledge. I often think 
that if the pulpit generally would pay less attention 
to the laws and customs of the ancient Jews, and 
more attention to the laws of the land in which they 
live, the world would be the better for it. 

Again, it may be said that the law-abiding portion 
of the community has a very vague and faint con- 
ception of the awful extent to which the election laws 
are violated in almost every election, and even in 
town meetings and the charter elections in cities and 
villages ; and for that reason, as well as for the pur- 
poses of illustration, I shall devote the remainder of 
my remarks on this occasion to the giving of brief 
outlines of a few of the many ways in which money 
is corruptly used to cheat a liberty -loving people out 
of their supposed heritage of freedom. 

You will observe that the law makes no provision 



168 



TEY-SQUAKE. 



for paying public speakers, nor for conveying them 
from point to point where they are to speak. I can 
not help thinking that this was an oversight in the 
law-makers ; for it seems to me to be just as proper, 
in a moral point of view, to pay for information 
through the medium of public addresses by learned 
and eloquent speakers, as by way of printed matter 
circulated either through the post-office or by man- 
ual delivery. But as the law stands, all joayments to 
political speakers for hire or for expenses, where the 
effort is to promote the election of any person or 
ticket, are contrary to law. I think the law should 
be so amended as to render such expenses proper, 
for a law that nobody can see any justice in breeds 
contempt for all law — the good as well as the bad. 

There is another respect in which I think this law 
could be made better. Suppose, for instance, that 
Brother Nash and I are opposing candidates for a 
county office. He owns a horse and carriage and can 
drive about among his friends without expense, and 
I can not see that the law prohibits it. I have no 
conveyance of my own, but am accustomed to hire 
one as occasion requires ; but if I wish to hire one 
for the purpose of promoting my election, or even to 
promote the election of another man, the law steps 
in and says that the spending of money for such ob- 
jocts is unlawful. I think this prohibition might 
well be modified so as not to condemn such hiring 
as I have mentioned — and yet I believe such hiring, 
in this and all similar cases, should not be permitted 
except for the personal use of the candidate, or per- 
son paying the money ; for otherwise this method 
might be employed as an indirect means of bribery. 



OFFICES AT AUCTION. 



169 



Again, the law permits the unlimited use of money 
for the circulation of printed documents before the 
election, without specifying how they shall be circu- 
lated. Therefore a candidate, or other person, may 
pay out thousands of dollars to sipresid printed informa- 
tion among the people by messengers driving four- 
in-hand ; but if the information to be conveyed is 
tvritten or oral, it is unlawful to spend a cent for its 
distribution. And yet again, one may spend any 
amount of money in postage on printed matter, but 
he is forbidden to use even a two-cent stamp on a 
private letter to a friend asking for his assistance in 
a political campaign. It does not require a philoso- 
pher to see that this is not as it should be. 

But the worst of this matter is that these laws are 
almost wholly disregarded and violated, directly or 
indirectly, by nearly everybody who has anything to 
do with politics. Our elections have come to be 
but little better than auctions where votes and 
public offices are bought and sold in market 
overt. Very many of our best men, who would 
scorn to do an unlawful act themselves, in a direct 
manner, have, nevertheless, through their ambi- 
tion for political preferment, felt compelled to 
yield so far to the prevailing corruption as to fur- 
nish the means of corruption while holding their 
heads high and pretending to know nothing about it. 
One of the ways that these men manage is by paying 
their money to a committee, who take upon themselves 
the general control of the campaign. There are in 
every town a number of political prostitutes, about 
equally divided between the two great parties, and 
from these are generally selected the committees 



170 



TRY-SQUARE. 



who are expected to do the dirty work of the cam- 
paign, and to employ others, equally as vile as them- 
selves, to assist them. The first thing the commit- 
tees do is to assess each of the candidates to the 
extreme point of endurance, and in fixing the amount 
of the assessment the committees are seldom gov- 
erned by the size of the candidate's anticipated sal- 
ary, but rather by his ability to pay ; and woe to the 
candidate who growls at the assessment or refuses to 
pay it, for all the assistance he will receive from the 
prostitutes after that will be of the left-handed kind. 

The amount of money sometimes raised by these 
committees is enormous — absolutely monstrous — and 
outsiders who sometimes get an inkling of the im- 
mensity of the sums raised wonder what uses are 
made of it. The aggregate paid for the purchase of 
voters at the polls is large ; but it requires a very 
much larger sum to satisfy the prostitutes. 

Perhaps I ought to give a little better definition of 
w^hatl have designated a political prostitute, although 
many of you understand my meaning perfectly, and 
doubtless have in mind, at this moment, one or more 
of those persons whose very names, if spoken here, 
would be a better definition than words can make. 
These men have no principles ; or, at least, none 
that they will not sell for a sufficient consideration. 
Some claim to be Democrats, some Republicans, and 
occasionally one will parade under the banner of the 
Prohibitionists, or the so-called Labor Reformers. 
All of them claim to control a greater or lesser por- 
tion of the party to which they have attached them- 
selves, or perhaps they will only claim to control a 
certain number of votes in a particular locality. 



THE POLITICAL PROSTITUTE. 



171 



They are all pretty active in political matters, when 
well paid for their work, but none of them will do any- 
thing, even for the party to which they claim to be- 
long, without money. When the time comes for a cam- 
paign to open, these prostitutes — the whole of them 
alike — stand and wait to be seen,'' as they call it, by 
the candidates or committees ; and if they are not 
seen " quite so early as they think their importance 
deserves, they begin to growl, and criticise their 
party leaders and perhaps the candidates also. This 
growling and criticising is done for the purpose of 
bringing the candidates or committees ''to time''' If 
a candidate approaches one of them, he will find, 
after a careful pumping, that nothing but a consider- 
able sum of money will sweeten the prostitute's dis- 
position. If the candidate objects to such a trans- 
action as illegal and criminal, the prostitute is full of 
resources, and will propose half a dozen different 
ways, in less than a minute, in which he thinks it 
. may be done without violating the law. I heard of a 
case not long ago where the prostitute suggested to 
a sensitive candidate to leave a certain sum of money 
in a particular place at a particular time, where, of 
course, the prostitute could find it and take it. 
Sometimes the prostitute will propose to sell the 
candidate a worthless bit of property, or to per- 
form some trifling service, at an enormous price, or 
even to horroto the sum required, with the tacit un- 
derstanding that the money is to be used for polit- 
ical purposes. It is needless to say that any such 
device is no evasion of the law, but a direct violation 
of it, and the successful candidate who takes the con- 
stitutional oath of ofl&ce, after paying money to these 



172 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



prostitutes, tinder any conceivable form of cunning 
device, commits wilful and corrupt perjury. It is 
also needless to say, in this community, that not one 
man in fifty who consents to run for ofl&ce has suffi- 
cient strength of character to unyieldingly resist the 
importunities and threats of these unspeakable 
scoundrels that I have called prostitutes only be- 
cause it would be impolite to speak their right 
name. 

Sometimes — once in a long time — a candidate will 
stubbornly refuse to be bled, and then the prosti- 
tutes, individually and collectively, kick " against 
him. If it happens, as it sometimes does, that 
opposing candidates for a particular office are 
equally upright and stubborn, then follows a period 
of most awful sulkiness in the camp of the prosti- 
tutes. But it is the especial delight of the prosti- 
tutes (and they usually exercise themselves to that 
end) to have both of the leading political parties 
nominate candidates who have money and are will- 
ing to use it to promote their election, for at such 
times all of the prostitutes can find congenial 
employment at remunerative wages. 

Some of these prostitutes have of late been assum- 
ing a sort of professional attitude. That is to say, 
suppose one of them to claim membership with the 
Republicans, yet he advertises his professional ser- 
vices as for sale to the party or candidate offering 
the most advantageous terms. You will frequently 
find him working and talking zealously for the 
Democrats while solemnly protesting that he is a 
Eepublican, and pledging himself to cast his per- 
sonal vote for the Eepublican candidates ; but I 



OTHER BASE BEINGS. 



173 



never have any faith in these professions. They are 
false pretences made for the purpose of keeping up 
a pretended connection with some political organi- 
zation ; for you may depend upon it that the candi- 
date or committee who bargained for his services 
bought his vote also. 

Aside from their services in the act of buying ' 
votes, these prostitutes have very little influ ence in 
political affairs after their true characters become 
generally known in the communities where they 
operate. There are, to be sure, a few ninnyhammers 
in all neighborhoods who are likely to mistake the 
endless and noisy effusions of interested wind reeled 
off by these prostitutes as expressions of public 
sentiment ; but solid, well-informed people will not 
be long in ciphering out the full value of all that 
escapes from one of these whited sepulchers. 

There is still another class of base beings that I 
have no name for, who are, in my estimation, no 
better, morally speaking, than the prostitutes whom 
I have attempted partly to describe. The base be- 
ings to whom I allude will resort to all the artifices 
to get money from candidates and committees that 
are employed by the prostitutes for the same pur- 
pose; but the former lack the activity, enterprise, 
and courage of the latter. There appear to be about 
as many of these base beings as there are of prosti- 
tutes in every community, and they also, like the 
prostitutes, belong, or claim to belong, in about 
equal numbers, to one or the other of the great 
political parties ; but they are not so easily detected 
and understood as the prostitutes are by people who 
are not conversant with the workings of the political 



174 



TKY-SQUARE. 



machine. I have one in my mind's eye whom I will 
partially describe, though I deem it best at present 
to withhold his name and residence. He is a 
middle-aged man, head of a family, a farmer living 
on his farm, is esteemed w^ealthy by his neighbors, 
is a deacon and teacher of a Bible class in a Chris- 
tian church, and is looked up to by many of his 
acquaintances as a model to be patterned after, with 
perhaps the one exception that he is rather more 
miserly than is desirable. Notwithstanding his 
penuriousness his name generally heads the lists of 
subscribers in his locality for books or other articles 
sold by agents on subscription. I have been fully 
informed by several agents of their manner of deal- 
ing with this man. He probably never paid full 
price for a book in his life, yet he owns a fair library 
of expensive books. The agents know that his name 
on their lists will help them to sell to others in that 
town, and so they hrihe him to subscribe. Some 
agents have given him the article or book outright 
in exchange for his signature. Others manage to 
make him pay a little cash in addition to signing his 
name ; and others again have found it impossible to 
get his signature to their list without actually pay- 
ing him money for it. This is a digression, but it 
seemed necessary in order to give an accurate pict- 
ure of the base being I am attempting to describe. 
During every political campaign this style of man 
invariably goes to the committee or candidates of 
his party (and perhaps to both and all), asking for 
money — from ten dollars upward, according to the 
magnitude of the interests involved in the election. 
He generally claims to control about twenty-five 



TKICKS OF PROFESSIONALS. 175 

votes, and he intimates that the money is to be paid 
to the voters ; but the wily politicians understand 
perfectly that whatever money they let him have 
wdll go into his own pocket and stay there, and so 
they usually manage to put him off with less than he 
demands ; but yet they have to give him something to 
prevent whatever influence he has from being exerted 
against them. His neighbors seldom know that the 
political opinions which this man expresses to them 
in measured and sanctimonious tones have been 
made what they are, or continued so, by the corrupt 
use of money. This class of political blood-suckers 
seems to be increasing from j^ear to year to an 
alarming extent. It will be found that most of them 
are flint-skinners, and having found out that there is 
money in politics, their inordinate greed and desire 
for gain send them after it just as naturally as a 
crow goes for carrion. The politicians regard these 
base beings as " bell-wethers," so to speak — leaders 
of their respective flocks — and it is for that reason 
that they regard it as expedient to buy their good- 
will. 

It w^ould, perhaps, be unjust to this class if I failed 
to add that they are generally (as are also some 
of the prostitutes), when they ask for, or receive, 
money, careful to asseverate over and over again 
that their individual action will not be influenced by 
the money ; that their zeal in the desired direction 
is too great to need any stimulus, and that they want 
the money to add scope for their zeal and to enlarge 
their field of usefulness. The persons who pay the 
money, however, are seldom deceived by these pro- 
testations, but accept them at their true market value. 



176 



TRY-SQUARE. 



"What shall be said regarding the miserable, aban- 
doned, shameless wretches who sell their votes for 
the paltry dollar or two which is paid them by the 
prostitutes ? I shall not undertake to describe them, 
for 3^ou know them too well already. Most of them 
are both poor and ignorant ; but I firmly believe that 
nine-tenths of them could be reformed, and the 
3"oung deterred from swelling their ranks, if Church, 
school, and enlightened public opinion should all 
combine and exert themselves energetically to edu- 
cate Sbud shame them out of the low mental and moral 
estate into which they have fallen. 

I have thus far only mentioned the men v/ho ab- 
sorb the political corruption funds, and I have yet to 
speak of those who contribute money for unlawful use. 
I must cut short the remainder of my remarks at 
this time, as I find I have already nearly reached my 
usual limit of time. The men who furnish the funds 
are the corrupters of all the other classes of which I 
have spoken, and they are the chief persons aimed 
at in the penal statutes on the subject ; and yet most 
of them, when you can get at them to talk frankly 
with them, profess to be profoundly disgusted with 
the whole business, and express hearty wishes that 
the moneyed men of all parties would combine to 
suppress all demoralizing practices in political work ; 
but they contend that until such reformation comes 
to pass they must continue to supply blood for the 
blood-suckers or abandon politics altogether — and 
so it goes from bad to worse, and where or when it 
will stop can not be foretold. The public mind 
seems to be either thoroughly debauched, or in a 
state of sublime indifference, on this subject. It is 



DEBAUCHERY OF THE PUBLIC MIND. 177 



said that Sodom was sunk for its wickedness, and 
whether we believe the story to be literally true or 
not does not matter, for we do know the logical fact 
that *Hhe wages of sin is death;" and I Avarn my 
countrymen that unless a radical reform of these 
matters comes speedily and effectively, the govern- 
ment which now seems so stable and so admirably 
perfect will one day tumble about their ears in the 
twinkling of an eye, and chaos will reign again in 
the earth. I shall take an early occasion to refer to 
this subject again ; but I feel that I cannot close 
these remarks without mentioning by name a few of 
the most prominent offenders, so far as furnishing 
the means of corruption is concerned. I shall not at 
this time go beyond the bounds of our own county, 
but I shall be likely to enlarge my territory, and 
give a more complete catalogue, on future occa- 
sions. 

Most conspicuous of all is General Humbug. Does 
anybody know how he acquired his military title ? 
It should be known of all men who use their reason- 
ing powers, and put known facts together, that, in 
the palmy days of notorious Tweed, this Mr. Hum- 
bug was so close a friend of that arch thief and vile 
corruptionist that the latter intrusted to him a large 
sum of money, to be used for the purpose of over- 
turning the large majority which we had been accus- 
tomed to give in this county in opposition to the said 
Tweed and his villainous schemes. Tweed was re- 
nowned for good judgment in the selection of his in- 
struments to do his damnable work, and the result 
of Mr. Humbug's agency showed that no exception 
had been made in his case. The election that fol- 



178 



TRY-SQUARE. 



lowed was perhaps the most disgraceful that ever 
took place in this county. The money was nearly 
all on one side at that time, and so the prostitutes 
and the other base beings I have mentioned were 
nearly all on that one side, as well as a large major- 
ity of the purchasable voters. Election ofl&cers 
were bribed to make false returns of the votes cast, 
and especial pains were taken to get money, by some 
pretense or other, into the hands of as many men as 
possible who were likely to be drawn as grand jurors. 
This was done to prevent outraged justice from fol- 
lowing the offenders with criminal prosecutions ; for, 
under our system of penal administration, no one can 
be punished for such offenses as we are now discuss- 
ing, unless at least twelve members of a grand jury 
vote in favor of the prosecution. And, as supervisors 
of towns have the selection of grand jurors, efforts 
were also made to corrupt as many supervisors as 
were susceptible thereof. After sending his agents 
with money and whisky to all the other polling- 
places in the county, on election day, Mr. Humbug 
went personally, with a large sum of money and 
many bottles of whisky, to the polling-place in his 
own district, and there, during the whole day, he 
personally debauched, with money and with whisky, 
as many of the voters of his district as he could 
reach by such influences. These facts were brought 
out under oath before a grand jury ; but no indict- 
ment was found, for reasons before explained. 
Through such agents and agencies as these, this 
county, and the State of New York, were carried in 
the interest of Tweed and the devil. The person 
chosen governor by these vile means chose Mr. Hum- 



GENERAL HUMBUG. 



179 



bug to be a brigadier general on the governor's mil- 
itary staff — an office wliich consists wholly of the 
title, and was created expressly for the purpose of 
rewarding yillains for villainous work — and thus it 
was that Mr. Humbug won the title of "general," on 
a field where filth flowed instead of blood. I can never 
bear to call him " general,'' nor to hear him so called ; 
for it always brings up unpleasant recollections, and 
it will seem to me that he can not feel very proud of 
a title so ignomihiously won. In his case, I regard 
it as the very opposite of an honorable title. It 
should be said that not long after that infamous 
election, Mr. Humbug was so completely shamed in 
public, by one brave little man, for the conduct I 
have described, that he has never repeated it, so far 
as concerns his personal participation in the dirty 
work, and he has been known to express a wish that 
such practices could be abandoned. I mention this 
last merely to show what a vast influence for good 
could be exerted if the people Avho privately con- 
demn these things would denounce them from the 
house-tops ; and my object in naming these men 
here is to endeavor to concentrate upon them, and 
their wickedness, the eyes and the scorn of all decent 
people. But Mr. Humbug has not altogether re- 
formed, for he is an annual contributor to the filthy 
pool from the abundance of which he is possessed. 
He claims that he can't stop it without having all 
the prostitutes and base beings charge him v/ith 
stinginess. Knowing what they do of him, they 
would laugh to scorn the suggestion that he was 
swayed by twinges of conscience. 



180 



TEY-SQUARE. 



Then there is the so-called Honorable Mr. Bottle. 
What right has he to the title of honorable ? What 
honorable thing did he ever do in his life that should 
entitle him to be thus dubbed ? I will tell you all I 
know about it, and you can draw your own conclu- 
sions. For twenty years he had been a political 
prostitute of the meanest, most despicable pattern. 
He had held several local offices of minor importance 
which he purchased ; but his principal occupation 
had been to assist other men to get office. At last, 
by the death of relatives, he fell heir to a consider- 
able property, and his ambition grew in proportion 
to the growth of his estate. He aspired to become 
a member of the State Legislature. He did not care 
whether the people wanted him in that place or not; 
but he deliberately bought the nomination first, and 
the election afterwards, as everj'body knows; and 
since then, and for that sole reason, he is called the 
Honorable Mr. Bottle. Immediately after the auction 
at which he bought his title, I saw, with shame 
and indignation, members (and ministers, too) of 
Christian churches, who knew all of the facts, rush 
to him with extended hands and beaming faces, call- 
ing him the Honorable Mr. Bottle, and congratulating 
him on his success at the auction, which they styled 
an election. ''O Judgment, thou art fled to brutish 
beasts, and men have lost their reason! " 

I w^ill be pardoned, perhaps, if I next mention the 
Honorable Mr. Puppet, which I do, not because I 
deem him of any special importance in himself, but 
because he fairly represents a certain variety or 
species to be met with all over the country. When 



THE HONORABLE MR. PUPPET. 



181 



we first made his acquaintance, a few years ago, lie 
had no visible means of support. He claimed to be 
a lawyer, but he had no practice, if we except some 
half-dozen cases, in each of which his conduct was 
such that his clients charged him with selling out 
their interests. He was soon found to be a political 
prostitute, and he succeeded so well in that busi- 
ness that he soon became a ''boss." Some people 
wondered how he managed to rise aboye his previous 
impecuniosity so suddenly, but it finally became 
settled that he was only one of General Humbug's 
tools. He still appeared to have no other occupa- 
tion than the dirty political work he occasionally 
performed for his owner. Whisky he indulged in 
at all times, and gamblers and bad women were his 
principal associates. When General Humbug wished, 
to control the affairs of this village he purchased 
trusteeships for Mr. Puppet, and others like him ; 
and other local offices were purchased by the gen- 
eral for this tool as his need or fancy dictated. At 
length a city millionaire took it into his head to buy 
an election to the United States Senate, and after a 
conference with General Humbug it was decided to 
send Mr. Puppet to the Legislature, the said mill- 
ionaire agreeing to contribute largely towards his 
campaign expenses. Of course, Mr. Puppet was 
declared duly elected, and, of course, the Honorable 
Mr. Puppet cast his legislative ballot for the said 
millionaire for the once honorable office of Senator 
in the Congress of the United States. The Honor- 
able Mr. Puppet was returned to the Legislature the 
succeeding year by the same means first employed. 



182 



TRT-SQUAKE. 



except that probably the said millionaire contrib- 
uted less to his elective expenses. Since he retired 
from the legislature, Mr. Puppet has had every ap- 
pearance of being possessed of considerable wealth. 
How he acquired it I do not know, but I have a 
decided opinion on the subject which need not be 
expressed at the present time. The general" 
takes less interest in politics now than formerly, 
and consequently has less use for his former tool, 
and so the latter has for some time past been enjoy- 
ing a sort of political Indian summer— paying slight 
attention to politics, assuming airs of great dignity, 
and endeavoring to worm himself into decent society. 
I am told that he contributes quite liberally every 
year to the corruption fund, but he does it in a quiet 
and mock-dignified manner quite unnatural to him 
according to our former understanding of his nature. 
Of late I hear that he is indulging an ambition to go 
to the State Senate. If this turns out to be true, 
you will soon hear his hireling prostitutes sounding 
his name, and praising his virtues and greatness 
throughout the length and breadth of this Senatorial 
district. Of course, I shall do what little I can to 
compass his defeat ; but in the present state of de- 
bauchery and indifference of the public mind, I have 
little doubt that he will succeed if he makes a bold 
push. 

I must positively stop right here and now, al- 
though there are a thousand things pressing upon 
my mind and seeking expression ; but I shall doubt- 
less have other occasions, if life lasts, when I can 
further illustrate this momentous subject. I will 



ACCEPTABLE UNTO GOD. 



183 



only detain you now to express the hope and prayer 
of my heart that the Church of Practical Religion, 
wherever its influence is felt, will exert that influ- 
ence poicerfully for the correction of the mighty evils 
I have pointed at, and in so doing, in my judgment, 
we shall be performing one of the most acceptable 
services in the vineyard of God. 



CHAPTEE XVI. 



MOKE OF POLITICS — WHEN MONEY MAY BE LAWFULLY 
SPENT THEREIN — SOME REMEDIES SUGGESTED. 

Eep. From this point on I shall have to make up 
the chapters arbitrarily to a great extent, as in my 
w^ork of condensation I am compelled to pick out 
odd bits from here and there, and arrange them 
without much regard to consistency or time. 

In his discourse immediately following the one 
given in the last chapter — 

Sawyer. When I parted from you last Sunday I 
felt a keen sense of shortcoming, for it seemed to 
me as if I had left untouched more points and illus- 
trations of importance than I had succeeded in 
crowding into my remarks on that occasion, and I 
determined to make a further effort in the same 
direction to-day, adding many interesting details to 
the biographical sketches I then outlined, besides 
drawing several new portraits of a number of other 
men who ought to be in the penitentiary for their 
crimes against free government. Since then, how- 
ever, I have been personally visited by no less than 
fifteen persons who implored me in the most piteous 
and supplicating tones and manner to forbear nam- 
ing them, as they feared I would do. They unani- 



UNCLE JOB IS SUPPLICATED. 



185 



mously and frankly admitted the entire truth and 
justice of my remarks last Sunday in so far as they 
had been informed of what I then said, and they did 
not attempt to deny, nor even to extenuate, their 
own criminality, nor did any of them beg for mercy 
on their own accounts ; but each and all prayed me 
to spare their innocent wives and children the pain 
and mortification of being publicly told Avhat detest- 
able creatures they were cherishing as husbands and 
fathers. I was loth to grant their prayers, but as 
every one of them gave me his most solemn and 
apparently heartfelt pledge never to engage in or 
countenance such damnable work again in his life, I 
at length concluded that perhaps I had already 
accomplished in their cases all the object I had in 
view, and so I promised not to point them out 
specifically by name or otherwise, so long as their 
reformation appeared to be real and sincere, but at 
the same time I assured them, and I assure you, 
that on receipt of the first bit of solid evidence that 
any one of them has backslidden, he will hear from 
this place such thunder as I am able to command. 

Several well-meaning men, as well as several not 
so well-meaning, have during the past week asked 
me if it was not lawful for a candidate or committee 
to employ and pay men to stand near the polls on 
election day and distribute tickets to the voters. 
Several have stoutly contended that the law author- 
ized this to be done. I just as stoutly contended, 
and still contend, that the law expressly forbids and 
condemns such employment. I clinched my argu- 
ment with them by reading the law itself from the 
ponderous volume of statutes, and pointing out that 



18G 



TRY-SQUARE. 



tlie very sentence which authorizes the hiring of 
men to circulate votes, etc., contains these limiting 
words : ''previous to any such election.'" It is proper 
to pay a reasonable sum in good faith for the distri- 
bution of tickets, handbills, etc., before an election, 
but not at or during an election. I say a reasonable 
sum in good faith to distinguish a proper use of 
money from an improper use of it, for I have heard 
of cases where unreasonable sums have been paid in 
bad faith, and yet with a pretense of keeping with- 
in the law. For instance, Mr. Bottle paid Mr. 
Puppet, when the latter was in the prostitute busi- 
ness, two hundred dollars the day before election, 
ostensibly for Mr. Puppet's services in circulating Mr. 
Bottle's tickets during one afternoon and evening. 
Now, does anybody believe that Mr. Bottle, after 
twenty years' service as a prostitute, was greenhorn 
enough to actually pay to another prostitute in good 
faith so large a sum for so small a service as was 
here pretended ? No, of course not. We know Mr. 
Bottle to be a man of average mental capacity, and 
we, as reasonable beings, must refuse to believe that 
he paid that money without expecting in return 
what he considered a fair and reasonable equiva- 
lent? What was that equivalent? What did he 
expect such a man as he knew Mr. Puppet to be 
would do with that money to make it render an 
equivalent to Mr. Bottle? Without wasting words 
I assert that manifestly and palpably Mr. Bottle 
paid that money with the complete understand- 
ing that the major portion of it would be used 
in the corruption of voters, and that the balance 
would be retained by Mr. Puppet as compensation 



CAUSES OF CORRUPTION IN COMMITTEES. 187 

for his criminal work. Then, how could the honor- 
able Mr. Bottle make the most solemn declaration 
that it is possible for man to make — an oath — that 
he had not contributed any valuable thing to influ- 
ence the giving of a vote ? "0 tempora, mores I " 

I must not omit to say a few words concerning the 
political committees. They perform certain functions 
that seem to me to be proper and right, but of late 
years their chief office appears to be to scrape together 
from every available source vast corruption funds, 
over which the prostitutes and other base beings 
hold high carnival. This has come about for two 
reasons mainly ; first, the committees, being com- 
posed largely of prostitutes, have gradually usurped 
this office for the sake of handling the money, and so 
being able to hang on to more or less of it ; and, sec- 
ond, the candidates have acquiesced in the usurpa- 
tion because it has relieved them largely from per- 
sonal participation in, or actual knowledge of, the 
crooked work which they have supposed to be neces- 
sary in order to achieve political success. Doubt- 
less, when the committees first began to assume this 
office, they did so with perfect propriety, and, no 
doubt, they conducted themselves with propriety for 
some time afterwards, for we have reason tolbelieve 
that there was once a time when such a thing as 
buying votes w^as unheard of, and when political 
prostitutes and similar base beings were unknown. 
But the corrupt practice having gained a foothold in 
congenial soil, it has grown seemingly beyond con- 
trol. 

It must be well understood to any one who has 
read, or heard read^ the laws that I read to you last 



188 



TRY-SQUARE. 



Sunday that strictly legitimate political expenses 
can not be exceedingly large; but in some way the 
prostitutes have caused people to believe that the 
proper expenses are very much larger than they 
really are. For instance, many people suppose that 
the expense of printing tickets is something incom- 
prehensibly vast. I know by actual experience that 
all the tickets required by the Republican party in 
this whole county (including Electoral, State, Judi- 
ciary, Congress^ Senate, Assembly and County) can 
be obtained, in suitable packages for delivery to 
each election district, for the small sum of ten dol- 
lars. It ought not to be necessary to pay one cent 
to have the tickets duly delivered at the several 
polling places, for there are plenty of good, patriotic 
men belonging to every party who would see to that 
business without charge if they were permitted to ; 
but as it is now managed, the prostitutes generally 
do it, and help themselves to a liberal fee for the 
service. 

One very serious evil (to skip over the more ob- 
vious ones) growing out of what I may call the 
prostitute system of politics is the enormous burden 
it imposes upon the taxpayers, for these immense 
corrupfton funds have to come out of them sooner or 
later. Name to me, if you can, a single salary, or a 
single fee, of any public officer, high or low, that has 
not been largely increased (sometimes more than 
doubled) since the prostitute system came into 
vogue ! 

I know whereof I speak when I allege that one of 
the strongest arguments used by the politicians in 
endeavoring to get salaries and fees raised, and in 



INCREASED SALARIES. 



189 



keeping tliem up, is, tliat the expenses of procuring 
the office, and the annual assessment demanded 
afterwards, reduce the income from the office to 
insignificance. The necessaries of life, and luxuries 
too, are cheaper now, on the average, than they were 
twenty-five years ago, and there is no lawful reason 
why we should pay our public officers more money 
now than we did then for the same service. But 
look ! Then we paid our members in the Legislature 
$300 a year. Now we pay them $1,500. Then we 
jDaid our governor $4,000 a year. Now we pay him 
$10,000. Then we paid our President $25,000. Now 
he gets $50,000. And so on in the same ratio clear 
down to constable. All the persons, of all parties, 
who profit in any manner by politics, constitute a 
brotherhood when it comes to this one question of 
wresting money from the taxpayers, and it is per- 
fectly awful to hear the derisive howl they will set 
up in concert at any man who has the bravery to 
make an earnest endeavor to defend the public 
treasury against their assaults. Among the epithets 
they apply to him they never forget to call him a 
demagogue, and this word they harp on so per- 
sistently that the chances are ten to one that the 
deluded taxpayers will join in the cry, and actually 
help to destroy their intended benefactor. I have 
seen this done more than once, and it will probably 
be done many times hereafter ; but the time is com- 
ing when the last feather will break the camel's 
back," and when the long-suffering taxpayers will 
open their eyes wide, and then they will suddenly 
turn this government over, ca-chug ! 

Thinking people have been for some time noting 



190 



TRY-SQUARE. 



the fact that this seems to be a period when nearly 
all the large places are occupied by very small, and 
not very good, men ; and when nearly all of our 
really great and good men are not only in compara- 
tive obscurity, but are unwilling, for the most part, 
to enter into a scramble with the prostitutes. As 
one man expressed it, he would not get down on his 
belly and wallow iji hell for any office, however high 
or lucrative. This state of things, I believe, is the 
direct, logical, and inevitable consequence of the 
prostitute sj'stem of political management. You 
know, my friends, that you have several times 
been represented in the legislature by prostitutes. 
Yes, you don't need to be reminded of that. But 
do 3'ou know that several prostitutes have held 
the highest office in this great state ? I say it with 
shame, but it is too true. And if what I read can be 
relied on, I am afraid also that at least one prosti- 
tute has been chief magistrate of this mighty nation. 
What better have we a right to expect, when we 
allow our political primaries to be managed by wire- 
pullers and our elections to be run by prostitutes ? 
The fact is that no honest, law-abiding, self-respect- 
ing man has any chance in politics under the prevail- 
ing system. Such a man will not stoop to the low 
tricks and crimes resorted to by the wire-pullers and 
prostitutes, and therefore, until the public conscience 
is awakened and educated on the subject, the reign 
of small men, and bad men, will continue. In fact, 
if it becomes settled that the people can not, or will 
not, enforce the salutary laws which I read to you 
last Sunday, then I say the sooner they are repealed 
the better; because, as matters now are, the law 



NO CHANCE FOR POOR OR HONEST MEN. 



191 



simply has tlie effect of giving the men who have no 
consciences a decided advantage over those who have. 
Good men are restrained by the election laws, but 
bad men are not ; and therefore I say again that if 
we can't enforce the laws we had better repeal them, 
and thus give good men an equal chance with the 
bad. Of course poor men would have no chance 
under the repealed law ; but they would have just 
as much chance then as they do now. Our once 
proud boast that under our government the poor 
have an equal chance with the rich is no longer true. 
The only way, at the present day, for a poor man to 
figure in politics, or to hold any office of consequence, 
is to sell himself, body and soul, to some rich man 
who has use for a tool. I don't need to name to this 
audience the different tools of this kind that General 
Humbug has had in the legislature, as well as else- 
where. 

But we can enforce the law, if we earnestly desire 
to do so. It will take time, however, and a good 
deal of hard work, by united action, to root out the 
giant fungus that has almost destroyed us. I feel 
certain that this will be done, but in just what way I 
can not foresee. 

It sQems to me that the time is ripe for a new 
political party having for one of its chief planks the 
principle of fair primaries and honest elections. Such 
a party could certainly do much to quicken the pub- 
lic conscience ; and, if ably conducted, it would be 
likely to attract to it the better elements of all other 
parties^ A party composed of such material, and 
animated by such principles and purposes, most cer- 
tainly must triumph. I fully expect to live to see 



192 



TRY-SQUARE. 



the day (wliicli can not be far distant) when the peo- 
ple, made desperate by being constantly tricked in 
the primaries, robbed of their birth-rights at the 
polls, and loaded down with unbearable burdens in 
all conceivable ways, will finally rise, in divine 
wrath, and sweep the prostitute system from the 
earth as with a whirlwind. But experience has 
shown that such spasmodic reforms, however good 
and thorough they may be, are seldom permanent 
After the job appears to be finished, the people who 
carried it through return quietly to their ordinary 
vocations, and, before they are aware of it, the same 
old evils need reformino; asiain as bad as before. 

I would suggest (and nothing more than suggest at 
this time) two or three remedies, not only to assist 
in bringing about a reform, but to prevent a backslip 
after the reform has been accomplished. 

(1) Of course, and above all else, a healthy public 
sentiment must be created and not suftered to die 
out. 

(2) The oflenders should be denounced by name in 
the pulpit and in the public prints ; and here I must 
pause long enough to say a few words in parenthesis, 
as it were, concerning the Press — the Kewsj^aper 
Press. I regret to' say that, so far as I have been 
able to see, I have found it, for the most part, thor- 
oughly and corruptly mercenary — especially the po- 
litical press, outside of a very few of the great news- 
papers. Money, if administered in the right place 
and in sufficient amount, will induce almost any of 
them to argue for or against any pro230sition, no 
matter what, or to praise or condemn any man, no 
matter whom. For money they will publish an ad-^ 



THE PRESS. 



193' 



Tertisement neatly disguised as a news item, or even 
as an editorial article. They sometimes justify them- 
selves. I believe, by claiming the same right that the 
lawyer has to practice his profession for pay. But 
when the lawyer, in the course of his practice, has 
occasion to say anything, we know he has been hired 
to say the best he can for his client, upon all the 
proved and admitted facts, and he has no opportunity 
to deceive us. On the other hand, the newspaper 
man gives or withholds just such facts as he pleases, 
and he endeavors to give his words greater weight in 
our minds by concealing from us the fact that he is 
speaking for a client who has paid his fee. The 
safest course seems to be to regard all newspaper 
writing as venal, and always to exercise our own 
judgments with reference to the amount of credit 
that it is entitled to. In ancient times these news- 
paper writers were called scribes, and if we recall 
what Christ said of them, in his day, we shall see 
that the enlightening influences of eighteen centuries 
have made no perceptible impression upon them. I 
will quote Christ's words : " Woe unto you, Scribes 
and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto 
whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful 
outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and 
of all uncleanness. . . Ye serpents, ye generation 
of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?" 

(3) I would create a penalty, by statute, of at least 
one hundred dollars for every offense, to be recov- 
ered of the offender, with costs, by, and for the bene- 
fit of, the person who first commences a suit therefor. 
And, as many of the offenders are worthless devils, I 
would cause the defendant to be closely confined in ' 



19-1 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



work-house or jail at public expense, at hard labor 

and mean fare, until the judgment duly rendered 
against him is fully paid — the imprisonment, how- 
ever, not to exceed one day for each dollar of the 
judgment, including costs. Such a law as this would 
place all the guilty parties in the power of the per- 
sons with whom unlawful transactions were had, or 
attempted. It seems to me that very few would take 
the risks that such a statute would expose them to. 

(4) I would change the law so that no man should 
be qualified, or allowed, to vote unless he produced 
due proof that he had paid an annual poll-tax of at 
least five dollars, six months or more previous to the 
election. A man who had paid this tax would feel 
an interest in the government that his money was 
helping to maintain, and he would be far less likely 
to sell that interest for so trifling a considera- 
tion as many now do ; and besides that, the price 
such a tax-payer would be likely to demand (if, in- 
deed, any amount of money could buy his vote) would 
be so high that not nearly so many of them could be 
controlled as at present, without largely increasing 
the corruption fund. A man who has the least spark 
of true patriotism in his bosom would not feel such a 
tax to be too high a price to pay for a voice in the gov- 
ernment equal with the greatest citizen of his coun- 
try. And, on the other hand, a man with soul so 
dead as to be unwilling to pay so small a price for 
so great a boon will be very properly excluded from 
intermeddling Avith affairs in which he feels so little 
concern. This latter class form a great majority of 
those who are purchased at the polls. They value 
their birthright only for the pottage which it brings 



AN INTERESTING EPISODE. 



195 



them at regular intervals. Sucli people are unfit to 
govern either themselves or others. It is beneficence 
enough to them to give them the blessings of good 
government without allowing them to defile it, like 
hogs, by putting their feet into the trough. When 
we have disposed of this class we have already re- 
moved the most troublesome element in the whole 
problem. 

(5) I think, also, that it would be a great safeguard 
against repeating, ballot- box stuffing, and fraudulent 
voting in general (to say nothing of vote-buying) if 
our election districts were reduced in size, so as to 
include not more than forty or fifty voters within 
their limits, respectively ; and then, I would have 
the voting all done, completed and certified within 
the space of one hour, openly, in the presence of all 
the voters, so that every voter shall positively hnow 
that his vote has been counted and certified as cast. 

Eep. The foregoing are only the most salient 
points picked out of a whole discourse devoted ex- 
clusively to the subject. He seemed to cover the 
entire subject in all its amplitude ; yet he many times 
repeated that what he did not know about the subject 
exceeded by many times what he knew. He said he 
could only point out the evils he had seen and heard 
and felt. The subject was not dropped with these 
two sermons ; but a political campaign was in prog- 
ress during a part of the time I am now trying to 
bridge over, and he found frequent occasion to men- 
tion particular incidents and to condemn or praise 
the conduct of the persons concerned in them. 

Quite an interesting episode occurred one Sunday 
during this period, which I will relate in as con- 



196 



TRY-SQUARE. 



densed a form as possible. Our friend and fellow 
church-member, George B. Gibson, the lawyer who 
has already been introduced to the reader, had been 
nominated by the Bepublicans as a candidate for the 
office of county surrogate, which is a judicial office 
of much importance and responsibility. There is the 
best reason for saying, in this case, so far as concerns 
the nomination, that the office sought the man, and 
not the man the office." He was nominated because 
of his superior fitness for the place over all his com- 
petitors. Nobody regarded him as a brilliant man ; 
but he had fair capacity, combined with great energy, 
and he had acquired the reputation among those who 
knew him best of being the one honest lawyer in the 
county. He resides at Needleton, only two and a 
half miles below Pinville, on the same side of the 
river, and he quite early became interested in Uncle 
Job's new church, as the reader already knows, and 
that interest had never cooled. 

Mr. Badsinner had a nephew living in Pinville by 
the name of Skillet, who was nominally a lawyer, but 
whose principal occupation, until within the last 
year or two, had been drinking whisky and lying 
around drunk — in the gutter or elsewhere. When 
not under the influence of drink, he had fair ability, 
a rather fine address, and was a pretty good speaker — 
better than the average. When he commenced prac- 
tice, these qualifications had given him a fair meas- 
ure of success ; but when it came to be noised 
around, as it soon was, that he had betrayed the in- 
terest of some of his clients, that he had greatly 
overcharged others, that he was thoroughly unreliable 
and dishonest, those reports, coupled with the un- 



MR. SKILLET. 



197 



fortunate habit I first mentioned, were not long in 
wrecking a career that had promised well at ther 
start. His name was on the list of " dead-beats " 
kept by the village merchants, and his Uncle Bad- 
sinner had been obliged to furnish him some of the 
necessaries of life, though refusing to receive him 
into his own house. Once, it is said, Mr. Skillet had 
fallen so low that he had become disgustingly filthy 
and lousy, and Mr. Badsinner had hired a man to 
strip him naked, burn up his old rags, cut his hair 
close to his scalp, give him a thorough scrubbing, 
and dress him up in a new suit which the uncle had 
provided. At last his dissipation had carried him to 
the very brink of the grave, and the doctors had told 
him that one or two more sprees would carry him 
over, when suddenly he rallied, and, at the time of 
the episode I am about to describe, he had tasted no 
liquor for about eighteen months, and in other re- 
spects he seemed to be trying to reform. This man, 
Skillet, Mr. Badsinner resolved should be made smY 
rogate instead of Mr. Gibson, and, with that end in 
view, he proceeded deliberately to purchase the 
Democratic nomination for him, which he succeeded 
in doing, though there were several competitors for 
the nomination who were infinitely better and cleaner 
men than Mr. Skillet, Mr. Badsinner, while boast- 
ing of his own villainy in buying the nomination for 
his nephew, exclaimed, with clinched teeth, ''And 
my money is going to elect him'' Only a few days 
after this, the persons Uncle Job calls prostitutes 
were busy in all parts of the county confidentially 
imparting the information wherever, they thought it 
would have weight, that Mr. Gibson was a Free- 



198 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



tliinker and Atteist, etc., and tliey would add, with 
•great unction, that it would be too bad to have an 
Infidel elected to tliat office. In short, the same tac- 
tics that were practiced on Uncle Job in the spring 
were put into operation on a larger scale, and for a 
bigger stake, against Mr. Gibson in the fall. Uncle 
Job was stung almost to madness by the situation of 
things, but he felt that he could not speak his mind 
freely on the subject, in the pulpit, without laying 
himself open to the charge of preaching partisan 
politics. He did, however, sometimes briefly allude 
to the case in a way that nobody could misunder- 
stand. He had been doing so one Sunday afternoon, 
after which, as the audience was about to be dis- 
missed, a stranger rose and requested the privilege 
of saying a few words. Now we come to the episode 
which it has taken me so long to pave the way for. 

The stranger appeared to be about forty-five years 
of age, was tall, rather slim, well dressed, and his 
manner and style indicated the orthodox clergyman. 
At first his words were very slow and deliberately 
measured, but, before he had been standing three 
minutes, they were pouring from his mouth in tor- 
rents, and his clear, ringing voice seemed electrical. 
I confess that I was so far entranced as to forget my 
business, and so the only report I have of the first 
half of this speech is one that I wrote out from mem- 
ory immediately after its delivery. He spoke about 
twenty minutes, using frequently the names of God, 
Christ, and other phrases customary in his profes- 
sion — most of which I omit. He said, in substance : 

Strangee. Circumstances beyond my control have 
compelled me to spend a portion of yesterday and 



A stkanger's impression. 



199 



the whole of to-day in this beautiful village. I was 
at first disposed to complain of my ill-fortune in not 
getting sooner started on my homeward journey; but 
now I thank my God for so framing the circumstances 
as to bring me into the midst of this people at this 
time. 

Eep. Here Uncle Job politely interrupted, and in- 
vited the speaker to the platform. The invitation 
was accepted, with thanks, and the speaker contin- 
ued : 

Stranger. When I rose to speak I had no thought 
of coming to the desk, but it does seem better to face 
an audience. I was saying that I thanked God for 
this opportunity to be with you. I greatly wonder 
that such a movement as this seems to be has not 
been smelt out and written up for the press by the 
keen-scented and lynx-eyed reporters. I never heard 
of it until yesterday, at the hotel where I am stop- 
ping, and what I learned there was not altogether of 
a friendly nature. I called in at some of the business 
places, and made inquiries, from which I learned 
that very many good people speak in the highest 
terms of this shepherd and his flock. I determined, 
in the end, to take advantage of my opportunity and 
attend one of your meetings, and see and hear for 
myself what manner of people j-ou are, and that I 
have done so is w^hat I thank God for. The discourse 
I have listened to here was one of remarkable origi- 
nality and strength, and I have learned from it many 
things that I did not know before. Every remark 
appeared to have a practical application to e very-day 
life, either among people in general, or among this 
people in particular. I am not disposed, however, to 



200 



TEY-SQUAEB. 



go SO far in my commendation as to say there may 
not be a lack here of one or more of the essential 
elements of Christianity ; but, so far as jour profes- 
sions and practice go (according to my best informa- 
tion), I find nothing but good, and certainly I will 
not, and can not, condemn anything good. I may 
say, I think, that you have here an excellent quality 
and a goodly quantity, of the raw material necessary 
for the building of a Christian church, and I sincerely 
pray that your minds and hearts may be quickened 
and moved into the higher walks of Christian life by 
the spirit and the potency of the Living God. 

But I rose simply to speak of a particular matter 
which was mentioned in the discourse this after- 
noon, and although, when at home, I am not ac- 
customed to discuss such topics on the Lord's day, 
yet I feel that under the circumstances I shall be 
forgiven if I follow the lead of my good brother 
here. I have learned since landing in your town 
yesterday that my old war-comrade, George B. Gib- 
son, is a candidate for office in your county, and I 
have learned with indignation that some well-mean- 
ing people feel prejudiced against him because of 
his independency in religious matters. I would to 
God tl^t my friend Gibson could see things as I see 
them ; but perhaps God has wdlled that all men 
shall not be of one mind in the matter of religious 
belief, any more than they are in other matters. At 
all events, I know Mr. Gibson, and he knows me, as 
few men have known each other ; and I solemnly 
declare that I never knew a man in all my life so 
true, so brave, so unflinchingly devoted to the right, 
as he sees it, so readv and willinf^^ +^ <^acrifice him- 



SPECIAL PROVIDENCE. 



201 



self, if need be, in the cause of truth, as George B. Gib- 
son. It was my fortune to serve with him under Grant 
in those dark days around Petersburg in 1864 Ah ! 
my friends, those were indeed times that tried 
men's souls." He was first lieutenant, and I was sec- 
ond, of our company of infantry. He had seen ser- 
vice before, but I was green and so was the captain, 
likewise the men. Mr. Gibson and I were con- 
stantly together, day and night. "We ate together, 
slept together, and during our waking hours we 
were seldom separated either in labor or in leisure. 
Both had strong religious convictions, and many and 
many were the discussions w^e had on religious 
topics. I had commenced study for the ministry, 
and was as orthodox then as I claim to be to-day. 
He was skeptical — refusing to accept anything for 
truth that did not comport strictly with the prin- 
ciples of natural logic as he understood them ; but 
while he always held to his views with great tenacity, 
he uniformly treated me and my views with the 
highest respect, and I entertained the same respect 
for him and his views ; and I say now, what I felt 
then, and what I have always believed, that his 
views were inspired by impulses, convictions, mo- 
tives, as pure and holy as my own. While wt were 
lying in the trenches, exposed to bullets every time 
we raised our heads, we frequently talked of death 
and of the providence of God in shielding some 
while allowing others to suffer. I believed, and still 
believe, that God might (and would in a proper case) 
interpose to preserve from danger those who sought 
him in prayer, believing. But Mr. Gibson thought 
that no invisible power existed in the universe that 



202 



TRY-SQUARE. 



could turn aside a bullet or cannon ball. Or, lie 
said, if such power did exist in the shape of elec- 
tricity, or some similar agent, it would act as dumbly 
and unintelligently as a tree or stone, and it would 
shield alike the just and the unjust, as experience 
had amply shown. I frankly confess that my religion 
did not endow me with a courage superior to his — 
that, indeed, would have been impossible. At 
length we were called upon to gird up our loins and 
charge with the bayonet against those impregnable 
walls that our enemies had built about the be- 
leaguered city. Ah ! my friends, if anything will try 
a man's metal, that will do it. "Where was the cap- 
tain ? Weighed in the halance, and found ivanting ! 
Lieutenant Gibson, dauntless, peerless in demeanor, 
marshaled the company in line of battle. We had in 
our company a number of sinners of the variety 
known in the army as "dead-beats." The army was 
cursed with them, though I learn that most of them 
are now drawing pensions. If half of them had been 
hung at the time for cowardice, as they ought to 
have been, the government would have saved mill- 
ions of dollars by the operation, to say nothing of 
the great advantage to the army that such a course 
would have produced. These dead-beats were al- 
ways Avell enough to eat a full ration, and to sleep 
soundly at night, and usually they would manage to 
perform, in a perfunctory sort of way, the ordinary 
routine duties of a soldier's life in camp, or wherever 
no danger was threatening; but when the time of 
need came — that trying hour for which alone soldiers 
were necessary — these men would become suddenly 
ailing with all conceivable aches and pains and 



ARMY DEAD-BEATS. 



203 



pangs. Some deliberatelj" shot off their own fingers 
or toes. One, to my knowledge, swallowed a great 
quid of tobacco at the critical moment, and others 
had excuses too numerous and too disgusting to 
mention. At the time I am speaking of, these sin- 
ners in our company began their usual " playing- 
off," as the soldiers called it, and I remember dis- 
tinctly Lieutenant Gibson's coming to me, and say- 
ing in a low but very determined tone these words : 
"I have resolved that our dead-beats shall face the 
bullets this time, or die on the spot at my hands, 
and I hope you will assist me all you can." By dint 
of many threats and thrusts we succeeded in getting 
most of our men into the little ravine where the 
regiment halted just before the charge. We also 
managed a little later to get them formed (minus 
two or three more dead-beats who had dodged us in 
spite of our vigilance) in battle-array on the bank 
just outside of the ravine where we were ordered to 
lie down. Just then the enemy discovered our in- 
tention, and began a brisk fire with all arms, which 
mainly passed over our backs, but so low as to 
flatten us all out pretty thin. The dead-beats, who 
were still with us, were taken by surprise, as they 
had not supposed danger was so near, and now they 
began to squirm, and some of them to mutter, and 
to threaten to crawl back into the ravine. At this 
Lieutenant Gibson rose to his feet, and by words 
and gestures raged like a lion. He paced back and 
forth, just in rear of the company, unmindful of the 
deadly missiles that seemed to leave no chance for 
his escape. He repeated to the men the resolution 
I have already related, and he coupled it with other 



204 



TRY-SQUARE. 



language hardly proper to repeat here, but which 
convinced the cowards of his entire sincerity. How 
well I remember turning my head, as I lay flat on 
my face, and looking at my comrade as he strode up 
and down in his rage, and I confess to this day that 
I believe I should have been a coward myself had it 
not been for the thrilling conduct of that undaunted 
hero on that dreadful occasion. Soon the order 
came to rise, and charge with a yell at the double- 
quick, and brave men obeyed, but the cowards did 
not stir, or, if they moved at all, it was only a feint. 
Lieutenant Gibson began at the same moment to 
yell "Forward !" and to slash the prostrate cowards 
with his sword. I can hear his voice yet ringing 
like a silver trumpet high above the din of battle, 
commanding them to *'up and on!" Almost in- 
stantly he perceived that he was being left behind 
with the cowards instead of going to battle with the 
brave, and so he bounded forward, and was soon in 
the midst of the charging column, yelling at every 
breath, "Forward! forward! forward!" The air 
was full of " chained thunderbolts and hail of iron 
globes," and in less than twenty minutes the battle 
at that point had spent its force, and two-thirds of 
our brave little band lay dead and wounded on the 
bloody hill. But the dead-beats — what of them ? 
Not one was injured, except by self-inflicted wounds 
and bruises and thrusts from Lieutenant Gibson's 
sword. Strange to relate, the lieutenant himself 
came out without even the smell of fire about his 
garments. Your humble servant received a bruise 
which w^as too slight to disable him, and yet was too 
serious to laugh at. The next day, as soon as we 



A VILLAIN PUNISHED. 



205 



could muster the dead-beats at the rear, Lieutenant 
Gibson ordered them all under arrest, and directed 
me to remain with them, and to punish them most 
severely, while he led the rest of the company to the 
front. I ordered the villains to fall into line, and 
after giving them a pretty vigorous talking to, I 
questioned them separately to see what defenses 
they would try to make for themselves. Each was 
ready with a transparent lie which would have been 
more or less satisfactory if true. I knew them so 
well, however, that I didn't believe a word they said. 
At length I came to the most incorrigible wretch of 
the whole batch. He was a worthless vagabond and 
thief, as well as coward. "Well," said I, *Svhat 
have you to say for yourself? " "Well, Lieutenant," 
said he, looking at me with an impudent leer, " I felt 
as though I couldn't conscientiously go into battle 
under the command of that damned Infidel." May 
God forgive me if I did wrong, but I say the truth — * 
that answer put murder in my heart, and I smote 
the villain a powerful blow on the head with the 
edge of my sword, with intent to slay him then and 
there. I did not quite succeed, however, for the by- 
standers interfered, and prevented me from repeat- 
ing the blow. The brigade commander (who was a 
regular army officer), on hearing the facts, exonerated 
me, and rebuked the by-standers. I have told more 
of this than I intended, and more than was neces- 
sary. I only wanted to get at this miserable crea- 
ture's excuse for his cowardice. I was reminded of 
it by the fact, gathered from my brother's discourse, 
that other degraded men pretend to have con- 
scientious scruples against voting for Mr. Gibson. 



206 



TilY-SQUAEE. 



"When you find tlie devil rebuking sin, be not de- 
ceived by it, but look sharply all around, and you 
will surely find somewhere a far greater sin that he 
is endeavoring to hide by false pretences. Depend 
upon it, my friends, you have no better man in your 
county — there is none better in the State of New 
York — than George B. Gibson. He'll never flinch 
from his duty — no man can bribe him, nor sway him 
by other improper influence. 

I beg pardon for my interruption, and I thank 
you heartily for your attention to what I have said, 
and I pray that God may shower his divine blessing 
upon all your good works. Amen ! 

Kep. The audience applauded the stranger at the 
close of his speech, and a number went forward and 
shook his hand and learned his name and residence. 
Uncle Job thanked him warmly and invited him 
home to tea. 

Extracts from this speech were printed on slips 
and circulated throughout the county as campaign 
documents by Mr. Gibson's friends. Mr. Gibson was 
not present at the meeting, nor had he been in town 
for two days. His enemies insisted that this was 
conclusive evidence that he had hired the stranger to 
come here and make the speech, and that he had 
stayed away so as to have it appear that he knew 
nothing about it. They said nobody knew whether 
the stranger was a preacher or one of Gibson's 
brother Infidels ; and as for the war story, they said 
that could not be true, or they would have heard of 
it before. This incident happened only a few days 
before the election, so there w^as but little time to in- 
vestigate on either side. But Mr. Badsinner did not 



RESULT OF THE ELECTION. 



207 



want to investigate, for lies would serve his purpose, 
and they were cheaper and more quickly made than 
an investigation. On election day flaming handbills 
were posted at every public place, signed by the Hon. 
Mr. Bottle, General Humbug, Mr. Badsinner, and 
others of that ilk, stating, in substance, that a care- 
ful investigation had revealed the fact that the 
stranger in question was a notorious Infidel and 
blackguard, by the name of John Whittlesey, of 
Akron, Ohio, and that, instead of being an officer in 
the army, he had run away to Canada to escape the 
draft. This furnished a number of texts for Mr. 
Badsinner's hirelings, and, with voices stimulated by 
whisky, they sounded all the changes that could be 
made of the original, and invented many striking ad- 
ditions thereto. 

Whether these allegations influenced anybody's 
vote is not known ; but the great hue and cry kept 
up about it all day served to divert the attention of 
honest men from the bribery that was slyly carried 
on from morning till night. Mr. Skillet was declared 
elected by the narrow majority of seventy-six. He 
had his strongest vote where he was least known — 
Mr. Gibson, where he was best known. I will add, in 
closing this chapter, that, after the election, we, of 
the Church of Practical Religion, made careful in- 
quiry among Mr. Gibson's war comrades, and else- 
where, and the stranger's story was verified in every 
particular, and many other interesting particulars 
were added. We were also satisfied, beyond all 
doubt, that Mr. Gibson had no agency in bringing 
the stranger here, nor in causing him to make his 
speech — in fact, that he knew nothing about either. 



208. 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



until it was past — and it follows, of course, that his 
absence had no connection with what transpired. 

It should be further added that Mr. Gibson took 
and maintained the same determined stand against 
the unlawful use of money that Uncle Job had previ- 
ously taken, as told in a former chapter. Mr. Gibson 
is a man of property, and could easily have secured 
the office if he had been willing to buy it. Many of 
the prostitutes really appeared to have a warm sym- 
pathy for him, and to sincerely wish that he might 
be elected, and these pleaded earnestly with him for 
money to use in his behalf ; but their overtures were 
invariably spurned. His friends organized and 
worked zealously for him in Pinville and Needleton ; 
but in other parts of the county, no efficient efforts 
being made in his behalf, he only received the votes 
of the unpurchasable and unhoodwinkable members 
of his own party. 

One of the meanest things done against him was 
to hire an old fellow named Crohaw, who had been 
three times to state prison, and was as odious all 
over the county as Benedict Arnold could have been, 
to go about among religious people cheering and 
yelling for Mr. Gibson, and to give as his reason 
therefor that he and Mr. Gibson were brother 
Atheists, 



CHAPTEE XVIL 



PENSION FRAUDS — HOW THE GOVERNMENT IS SWINDLED 
— METHODS OF CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. 

Rep. On the next Sunday after tlie episode de- 
scribed in the last chapter, Uncle Job referred to 
the statement of the stranger that most of the army 
dead-beats were now drawing pensions, and said : 

Sawyer. It seems to be a fact admitted by all good 
soldiers of the late war that all of the persons who 
were most worthless as soldiers are now either draw- 
ing pensions, or are prosecuting claims therefor. I 
was talking on this subject only the other day with 
a soldier who left a leg on the field of Antietam. I 
asked him how much pension he was drawing. Ho 
said he almost felt ashamed to own that he drew any 
pension, and, when I asked his reason, he replied 
that so many of the men that he despised as cowards 
and slinks while in the service were now on the pen- 
sion rolls, that it made him feel as though he was in 
bad company. He said no ordinary disability could 
induce him to ask or receive a pension for that rea- 
son. I hinted that possibly he was too severe on his 
old comrades. This excited him to a high pitch, and 
he began to name over a large number of dead- 
beats," as he called them, who had always played 



210 



TBY->SQUkjEli. 



o£f/' as he expressed it, and yet had obtained pen- 
sions on perjured testimony. He named one who, 
he said, liad a bad rupture, or hernia, before the war, 
but who had managed to conceal it from the examin- 
ing surgeon, and thereby got into the service, when 
he no longer tried to conceal it. He remained in 
hospital for a year and was discharged from there. 
He is now a pensioner, claiming to have been rupt- 
ured by slipping and falling while on drill when first 
enlisted. Another had managed in a similar way 
with a fever sore, and had been equally successful. 
A third had purposely shot off his own finger while 
on picket, v/hich was well known to two of his com- 
panions and believed by everybody at the time ; yet 
he obtained a pension by making it appear that he 
received his injury from a shot fired by the enemy's 
pickets ; and so on He claims through a long' list, 
also that large numbers are drawing pensions who 
were never injured at all in any manner, and w^ho are 
now perfectly well. One claims to have contracted 
heart-disease in the service ; another, disease of the 
lungs, or consumption; another, rheumatism; an- 
other, liver-complaint; and still another, kidney dif- 
ficulty ; and so forth, and so forth. He said a man 
w^ho had really contracted any one of these com- 
plaints twenty or more years ago, ought, in the or- 
dinary course of those diseases, to have died long 
ago ; but they still linger, and seem likely to do so 
until carried away by extreme old age. I can certify 
that several of those mentioned, who were person- 
ally known to me, have every appearance of enjoying 
robust health. Indeed, in several cases mentioned 
by him, it was a great surprise to me to learn tt \ 



HOW THE claimant's MANAGE. 



211 



the men were drawing pensions at all. I asked how 
the fellows managed to get the medical examiner to 
certif}^ favorably as to their disability. He said that 
part of the business was no more troublesome than 
any other part. Nearly all the medical examiners 
have a friendly leaning towards the claimants. They 
give the soldier the benefit of all doubts. Then, 
again, many of the examiners receive their appoint- 
ment through the influence of certain claim agents, 
and they generally do the work to the satisfaction of 
their creators. Furthermore, he said he had no 
doubt that some of the examiners could be and had 
been bribed to make favorable reports. He knew 
some of these dead-beats who had privately boasted 
of carrying their point in that way. But, said my 
friend, suppose an examiner to be incorruptible and 
unmoved by anything but cold facts, and so reports 
adversely on a case ; the claimant, by representing 
to the commissioner of pensions that the examiner is 
an enemy of his, or is otherwise prejudiced against 
him, can obtain an order to go before another exam- 
iner, and if this fails again, he can try still another, 
and so on, until he finally reaches an examiner who 
falls into tbe snare of flattery, imposture, or corrup- 
tion. When I asked how these rascals worked it to 
get the affidavits of their officers and the army sur- 
geons, my one-legged friend answered .that, in the 
first place, the officers, for the most part, at this distant 
day, are more willing to forgive the past than to antag- 
onize any of their old associates. He said he had re- 
cently arraigned his own captain for assisting a man to 
get a pension on the ground of kidney trouble. The 
captain explained that it was twenty years since the 



212 



TKY-SQUARE. 



soldier was discharged, and he had no recollection 
about the matter, except the general impression that 
the man had not been a first-class soldier. The cap- 
tain said the soldier had come to him with an affi- 
davit alreadj^ prepared for him (the captain) to sign 
and swear to, together with a similar one sworn to 
by himself. The soldier asserted, with great assur- 
ance, that the facts were as stated in the affidavit, 
and expressed great surprise that the captain should 
iave forgotten them. The captain said the fellow 
seemed so frank and honest about it that he (the cap- 
tain) supposed the blankness of his own mind was 
wholly owing to the lapse of time and failure of 
memory, so he signed and swore as requested, and 
thought no more about it. My friend said he be- 
lieyed such cases were very common. But suppose, 
said he, that the officer refuses to make the affidavit, 
the next thing he knows the claim agent will visit 
him with an affidavit, prepared for him to swear to, 
stating that he has no recollection of the vital facts 
in the case, and then giving some plausible reason, 
more or less true, for his want of recollection — such 
as absence from the company, at the time fixed, 
on detached service, or in hospital, etc. Such an 
affidavit as this from the officer paves the way for 
the affidavits of two private soldiers as substitutes 
for the oath of an officer. Then the dead-beats are 
in shape to help one another. My friend says he 
has known cases where they have formed themselves 
into clubs or rings for mutual assistance in this ne- 
farious business — ^each being ready to swear to any- 
thing required to help his comrades through. A 
further trouble that puts the government to disad- 



A REMEDY DEMANDED. 



213 



vantage, said my friend, lies in tlie fact that some of 
the officers are as eager to obtain fraudulent pensions 
for themselves as the other villains are. He says, 
moreover, that he knows an ex-regimental surgeon 
who, since the war, has become so perfectly besotted 
and poverty-stricken, through the excessive use of 
whisky and morphine, that any soldier of his old 
regiment, by making him a personal visit, talking 
over old times, buying him a few drinks of w^hisky, 
and making him a present of ten dollars, can get him 
to swear to any affidavit asked for. My friend also 
made still furth'er allegations, to the effect that 
forgery is a very common resort for these scoundrels 
.when other means fail them. 

These statements of my soldier friend, if true, or 
half true, disclose a most deplorable state of things. 
He says, judging from his own observation, and as- 
suming the same condition throughout the country, 
he is convinced that fully one-third of the money an- 
nually drawn from the government for pensions is 
so drawn by fraud. Some remedy should be promptly 
applied to check so great a drain as this. Of course 
untold millions have already gone beyond our reach, 
but that should not deter us from speedily repairing 
the breach through which it escaped. In my judg- 
ment, the prevailing practice, adopted and sanctioned 
by the government, for proving pension claims, is a 
standing invitation to, and premium upon, fraud and 
perjury. Everything is done in the dark, and all on 
one side. Nobody cross-examines the witnesses. 
Even the officers who administer the oaths have no 
knowledge of the contents of the papers to which 
they certify. Why is this so, and why has it not 



214 



TRY-SQUARE. 



been remedied before ? Because our senators and 
representatives in Congress stand in idiotic dread of 
offending the soldiers. It's all bosh ! The good and 
brave soldiers T\-ho bore the brunt of the war in the 
fore-front of battle will welcome such a remedy with 
gladness — in fact they are, and long have been, 
demanding it. No good and faithful soldier, wdiether 
entitled to a pension or not, will object to any rea- 
sonable safeguard against fraud. Depend upon it, 
my friends, that any ex-soldier who does object to 
such safeguards is a fit object for suspicion. 

There are many ways in which the present prac- 
tice might be changed for the better — indeed, almost 
any change would be an improvement — but I venture 
to suggest one which would cost but little more than 
the present method, as it would relieve from duty a 
large number of salaried men now emploj'ed in 
Washinsjton. I would divide the whole United 
States into pension districts large enough to make 
business for two pension judges the year round. I 
would appoint two pension judges for each district, 
one of whom should be a well-trained lawyer and 
the other a skilful physician and surgeon ; and I 
would allow them a reasonable salary, besides ex- 
penses ; and they should also be provided with a 
stenographer. I would make it the duty of these 
judges to hold a duly advertised court, at least once 
a year, in every county in their respective districts, 
in which court no counsel on either side should be 
required or allowed. I would require the judges t'o 
act with entire impartiality between the claimants 
and the government, to make every practicable en- 
deavor to get at the exact truth and justice of every 



METHOD SUGGESTED. 



215 



case, to make such decision therein as truth and 
,justioo require. At the first session of such court in 
eve^j county, I would require every pensioner and 
clpimant for pension residing in the county to appear 
personally before the court, unless excused for good 
cause shown. I would make it the duty of the court 
to make such physical examination oi the pensioners 
and claimants as might be necessary to a correct un- 
derstanding of their condition, and also to examine 
them and such witnesses (pro and con) as live in the 
county, under oath, touching the facts upon which 
the pension, or claim therefor, is founded. All wit- 
nesses, on either side, living in another county, should 
be directed to go before the court in the county where 
they respectively reside and there be examined by the 
court — all examinations previously taken being trans- 
mitted to that county for use b}^ the court in exam- 
ining such witnesses — and when the proof is all 
taken it should be returned to the court where the 
claimant resides, for final decision. The government 
should also employ an agent in each district to hunt 
up witnesses and other evidence in opposition to un- 
just claims. I would also require a calendar," as 
the lawyers call ifc, to be made up and published in 
two newspapers of opposite politics in every county, 
at least four weeks before the sitting of the court in 
that county, containing the name of every claimant 
and showing briefly the ground of his claim. Many 
other details would be required to put the machinery 
into working order, but I need not pursue the matter 
further here. If some such practice as this had 
been established at the close of the late war, I be- 
lieve the very publicity of the proceedings, to 3ay 



216 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



nothing of any other improvement, would have sayed 
hundreds of millions to the government before this 
1 time. 

But shall we lie still and do nothing until Con- 
gress amends the practice ? By no means ! The 
mutterings of my wooden-legged friend are all right 
so far as they go — ever^'body should talk right out 
loud about every case of fraud within his knowledge 
— but that is not enough. The facts, with names of 
witnesses, should be written out and sent to the 
commissioner of pensions. I have heard that such 
complaints are sometimes ignored, but that is no ex- 
cuse for our failure to do our duty. If we know 
facts that we fail to report, the responsibility is on 
us for any wrong that we could possibly set right ; 
but if we make due report, then we shift the respon- 
sibility from ourselves to the government. I think 
we do too little growling and too little reporting of 
information. Let us reform ! 

As the end of the first year since the birth of the 
Church of Practical Eeligion began to draw near, 
the members discussed from time to time, among 
themselves in private conversation and at their busi- 
ness meetings, the question of building or buying a 
meeting-house exclusively for their own use. Our 
membership was now considerably the largest of 
any church in the village, and many of our members 
felt not a little pride in the fact that they had con- 
quered a place for themselves in the community, and 
had become, to all appearances, thoroughly and per- 
manently established. Nevertheless, Uncle Job was 
opposed to any exhibition of pride or strength, al- 



UNCLE job's modesty. 



217 



though, he acknowledged that we had been bearing 
pretty heavily upon Brother Benson in using his 
hall so long for nothing, and, besides, he thought a 
building could be designed expressly for our use 
that would suit us better than the halL He had 
been thinking, he said, of one of the roller skating 
rinks that had apparently about had its day as a 
rink. In fact, he had ascertained that the best one 
(near the central part of the village) could be bought 
for two thousand dollars, with the land on which it 
stood. He advocated buying this rink and fixing it 
up- to suit our own convenience. He said we should 
need more and better seats than the rink now con- 
tained, and that he had been studying on a plan by 
which the floor could be covered with settees so ar- 
ranged and secured together in blocks that when we 
required the room for festive occasions the several 
blocks of settees could be all drawn up to the ceil- 
ing by pulleys, thus clearing the floor in a few min- 
utes, or arranging it again for our Sunday meetings, 
with as little trouble. He thought, he said, there 
could be no manifestation of pride in the ownership 
of this humble edifice, and as for our strength, we 
couldn't hide that if we tried, and he didn't know as 
we ought to try to hide it ; but he thought we ought 
to be careful to do nothing which seemed like boast- 
ing of our growth or strength. Goliath, he said, had 
done some boasting once, and a little fellow had 
come out and knocked him on the head. That story, 
whether truth or fiction, was chokefull of human 
nature, he said, and we should learn wisdom from 
Goliath's experience. 

While this matter was under discussion, and had 



218 



TEY-SQUAKE. 



been bruited to some extent outside the Cliurcli, a 
Mr. Fistula made application for membership in the 
Church, and accompanied his application Avith an 
offer of five thousand dollars to aid in building a 
new church edifice. Mr. Fistula took pains to say, 
in connection with his proposed gift, that it was not 
intended to influence in the smallest degree the 
action of the Church in approving or rejecting his 
application for membership. The money could be 
accepted and his application rejected. A full report 
of the debate on these questions in the business 
meeting would be very interesting reading ; but in 
the interest of brevity I must be content, and so 
must the reader, with a plain narrative of the most 
prominent facts. 

Mr. Fistula's first appearance in Pinville was in 
the year 1862, in the very midst of the war, when he 
leased a place which had previously been a low 
groggery, and converted it into a hotel, as he styled 
it, but it was still a groggery as low as before, and 
in addition Mr. Fistula made it a house of ill-fame 
of the worst character. Many and many were the 
stories of robberies and other kinds of foul play that 
took place there during and just after the war, when 
so many silly soldiers had more money than they 
knew what to do with. It was darkly hinted that 
more than one man who went in there at night was 
never seen or heard of afterward outside. Some 
efforts were made by the police and by the courts 
and juries to suppress the house, but the house and 
its keeper had such a very bad reputation that the 
public sympathy was not very strong in favor of 
anyone who would be so foolish or wicked as to 



A QUESTIONABLE CHARACTER. 



219 



enter there. At all events, the business was not 
seriously interfered with, and it grew and flourished 
*'like a weed on a dung pile," as Uncle Job said. 
The business was so profitable that its proprietor, 
who had nothing to begin with, was able to buy the 
building and furniture at the end of the first year, 
and his prosperity continued so great that at the 
end of the second year he bought and equipped an- 
other building in a distant part of the village, and 
started another man as mean as himself in the same 
kind of business. The business continued to flourish 
in both places, and soon Mr. Fistula had money to 
loan, and in five years from his first venture in Pin- 
ville he began to be recognized as one of the wealthy 
men of the village, and in another five years he be- 
gan to feel that his business was too degrading for a 
man of his wealth and influence to be engaged in, 
personally, and so he rented out both of his brothels 
to two men to whom such business was congenial 
pastime. Mr. Fistula then purchased some bank 
stock, and became a director ; bought and furnished 
a splendid residence on the most fashionable street 
in town, and suddenly developed into a man of ex- 
cellent manners, fine dress, and exemplary conduct. 
Up to that time he, as well as his wife and children, 
had lived in a brothel during their whole residence 
in Pinville, and he still owned and drew monthly 
revenues from the houses and business before men- 
tioned. It is needless to follow the family through 
their up-hill struggle of many years to gain admis- 
sion into the society of respectable people. In 
short, there were many so uncharitable as to affirm 
that his application for membership in the Church 



220 



TRY-SQUARE. 



of Practical Eeligion was, in effect, only a request 
to the Churcli to galvanize his old stains with a 
shining silver plate, and that his offer of money was 
intended as a good, sound consideration for the job. 

In the business meeting, at which these questions 
were settled, many jokes were cracked, and many 
hearty laughs were indulged in, at the expense of 
Mr. Fistula; but it must suffice to say that not a 
solitary member was in favor of admitting him into 
the Church, though there was a difference of opinion 
as to the propriety of accepting his gift. After 
many had spoken for and against — 

Sawyer. My brethren, it seems to me that the prin- 
ciple upon which you have already virtually decided 
the main question in this case ought very quickly to 
dispose of the subordinate question in the same way. 
I have heard no voice raised here in favor of receiv- 
ing Mr. Fistula into our fellowship. Why is this ? 
I suppose it to be because he has not in reality re- 
formed; that he has neither repented, nor done 
works meet for repentance. There used to be a say- 
ing among the Connecticut Yankees that you might 
as well eat the devil as to drink his broth. Now, in 
this case, having rejected the devil as unfit for food, 
shall we, nevertheless, proceed to drink his broth as 
though it were wholesome ? This money is a part 
of the fruit of years of sin. I know some of you 
have argued truly that the money is inanimate, cold, 
and unfeeling, and has taken no intelligent part in 
the sin ; but we must look beyond such things. If 
we accept this money, we say to the world that in 
our eyes ill-gotten money is as good as any, which 
seems to me to amount almost to an indorsement — 



ILL-GOTTEN MONEY NOT ACCEPTABLE. 221 



an affirmative approval — of tlie evil practices by 
which the money was won, and I am sure none of ns 
would knowingly do that. Suppose we accept this, 
gift, knowdng, as we do, the methods by which it was 
gathered together, can we ever again consistently 
condemn those methods ? It is regarded as a truism 
among mankind that the partaker is as bad as the 
thief. How can we accept this gift without lower- 
ing ourselves, in a spiritual sense, not only to the 
level of Mr. Fistula, but also to the level of those 
instruments of his whose debauchery has been the 
means of his wealth ? What good can we do with 
this money, if we accept it, that will not be far over- 
balanced by the evil of a seeming approval on our 
part of the processes employed in accumulating it? 
"We can not effectively condemn with words what we 
at the sanTe time commend by our acts ; but all evil 
should be condemned by both voice and action, and 
no chance left for doubt as to our sincerity. 

Again, some of you have alleged, as though it 
were a crushing argument, that a case was never 
known where a church has rejected a donation 
simply because it was the product of sin. I do not 
know whether this assertion is true or not ; but it is 
enough for us to be reminded that this church is not 
governed by precedent, but by the try-square. If, 
however, the assertion be true, it may be the reason, 
or a reason, why the church has never made more 
headway against sin in the past. It is impossible to 
serve both God and Mammon. 

Some of the words spoken of rich men by one of 
the great reformers of past times have been hard to 
understand, especially where he says that it shall be 



222 



TKY-SQUAKE. 



hard for a ricli man to enter the kingdom of heaven, 
and in another place where a rich man is directed to 
sell what he has and give it to the poor. I conceive 
that Christ was not well reported concerning these 
sayings. In the nature of things, he conld not have 
intended his remarks to apply to all men of property, 
but both of the remarks just mentioned doubtless 
had reference to a man (well known by the reformer 
and those about him) who had acquired wealth un- 
justly. Suppose, if you can, that Christ had said 
these things of, or to, Mr. Fistula ; then we could 
all see perfect fitness in them. Hence I say the 
reporter neglected to mention collateral facts es- 
sential to a correct understanding of the teaching. 

I have heretofore, in speaking of repentance, tried 
to express my idea that effective repentance for a 
sin — repentance that brings pardon — mifst be evi- 
denced by a surrender of the entire fruits of the sin, 
and a sincere, earnest, energetic effort to repair the 
wrong done." By fruits of sin I mean here, of course*, 
only those advantages which accrue to the sinner 
from his sin, and not those awful consequences 
which, in Mr. Fistula's case, will follow his victims 
for unnumbered generations. Much of the wrong 
done by Mr. Fistula is past repair, and therefore I 
do not see how he can ever be entirely pardoned by 
any just judge here or hereafter. But he can sell 
w^hat he has, and give to the poor, and he can also 
cease to do evil, and learn to do welL When he has 
done all this, in good faith, it will be our duty to 
render him every assistance in our power ; hut until 
that time my vote shall be cast to reject both him 
and his corrupt offering. 



A SUSPICIOUS AFFAIR. 



223 



Eep. Immediately after tliis speech a separate 
vote was taken on each proposition. On the appli- 
cation for membership the yote was unanimous in 
the negative. On the question of the gift, while 
there was no vote in favor of accepting it, yet there 
were a number of those, who had argued for its ac- 
ceptance, who refrained from voting. They mani- 
fested no ill-feeling, but rather seemed to have been 
convinced against their will, and yet lacked the 
grace to frankly admit it. 

The sequel is soon told — a fact which Uncle Job 
said privately was most lamentable for the cause of 
righteousness. Soon after it became publicly known 
that the Church of Practical Beligion had declined 
to receive either Mr. Fistula or his money, he was 
visited by a committee from the Methodist Episco- 
pal Church. It is necessary to say that this society 
had recently overdone themselves by going heavily 
in debt to build a costly church edifice beyond their 
needs, as well as beyond their financial strength. 
Outsiders do not know what negotiations took place 
between the committee and Mr. Fistula, nor (except 
by inference) do they know the object of the said 
visit, but they do know that in as short a time after- 
wards as decent appearances would permit, Mr. 
Fistula became a full-fledged member of the M. E. 
Church, and about the same time his money lightened 
the burden of that church to the extent of three 
thousand dollars. 

There was a good deal of guessing and discussing 
over the fact that Mr. Fistula offered two thousand 
dollars more for the indorsement he sought than he 
paid for the indorsement he got. Some thought that 



224 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



this diflference represented the relative values of the 
two indorsements, in his estimation, while others 
argued that he probably valued one as highly as the 
other, and that the less price paid to the Methodists 
was only an exhibition of thrift in taking advantage 
of the market and buying what he wanted as cheaply 
as possible. The question remains unsolved to date. 

While the subject just disposed of was still fresh 
in the public mind, several of us were in Uncle Job's 
office one day engaged in general conversation on 
various topics, when all of a sudden — 

Mr. Nash. Uncle Job, why don't you pitch into 
some of the other churches of this place and arraign 
them sharply for their rotten constituencies ? You 
profess to believe in that method of reform work, 
and you have practiced it pretty generally all around 
except as against the churches. Now, look at the 

church ! Mr. A. is the king-pin in that crowd ; 

and what of him? He has sucked the blood of 
wddows and orphans until he has become enormously 
rich. I never heard of his doing a single commend- 
able act ; but the worst of it is that, as everybody 
knows, legal proceedings were once commenced 
against him for incest ; and, while nobody doubted 
his guilt, his wealth secured a compromise, and the 
matter was hushed up, so far as actual publicity is 
concerned, and he continues to pay his regular dues 
and retains his standing in the church. 

Then take Mr. B., Mr. C, Mr. D., Mr. E., Mr. F., 
Mr. G., Mr. H., Mr. I., Mr. J., and Mr. K— every sol- 
itary one of them took advantage of the bankrupt act 
under circumstances that leave no room to doubt 
they not only cheated their creditors, but added per- 



SOME OKTHODOX CHUECH-MEMBEES. 



225 



jury "to fraud. Every solitary one of them, after get- 
ting through bankruptcy, suddenly became the owner 
of a large property,, through transfers from relatives 
and friends who had been hiding it from the credit- 
ors to whom it belonoed. Some of these men be- 
longed to the church before their bankruptcy, and 
some have joined since; but all are members now 
and in excellent standing. They occupy the best 
seats, and they run the church. The really good men 
in that church have but little voice in its affairs. 

Then take the church. In some respects I 

don't think it is as bad as the one I have just de- 
scribed ; but, to say nothing of anything else, just 
take out of that church the men who are interested, 
directly or indirectly, in what we call the whisky 
business, and that shop would be obliged to suspend 
business for want of funds. There are only two men 
in that church able to pay a decent pew-rent who are 
not so interested. Just think ! Two owners of dis- 
tilleries ; two owners of malt-houses ; three owners 
of breweries ; three wholesale liquor dealers, not al- 
ready included ; five owners of hotels, saloons, and 
holes^vhere hell-fire is sold ; and nine whose principal 
business is the selling of liquor at retaiL Great 
God! Why don't that church sink? No wonder 
their pastor preached a most impudent, outrageous, 
devilish sermon against those noble, self-sacrificing 
women when they tried to check the ravages of rum 
by the crusade ! He served his clients then like a 
well-paid attorney. 

Then there is the Methodist church. But I needn't 
go into particulars about them ; for they have just 



226 



TEY-SQUArvE. 



shown what they are made of by selling themselves 
to old Fistula for a mess of dirty pot-pie. 

The Unitarians are the best of the whole lot, and 

j I won't try to pick any flaws with them ; but these 
others — Oh, what a furious rattling you could make 
among the dry-bones if you would only drag your 
rake among them ! "Why don't you do it ? 

Eep. Mr. Nash got quite excited during his talk, 
and spoke with a loud, high-pitched voice, and very 
rapidly. One not accustomed to his eccentric man- 
ners would have supposed he was verj^ angry about 
something, or at somebody — perhaps, at the person 
he w^as chiefly addressing ; but all knew him inti- 
mately, and listened respectfully to his speech— two 
or three occasionally smiling at his vehemence, and 
one interrupting once to remind him that none of the 
party was deaf. At the close of this little speech — 
Sawyer. While I am not, from personal knowledge, 
able to unqualifiedly indorse all the charges you 
make, yet, from general repute, I can not say that 
you have exaggerated anything. In fact, you have 
by no means told all ; but you have jumped, as it 
were, from headland to headland without following 
the crooks and turns that lie between. I fully real- 
ize, I think, the awful condition of things that you 
have so forcibly depicted. It was this realization, 

j above all things else, that moved me to inaugurate 
the project which, down to this point, has succeeded 
so gloriously; and, with that recollection still, in 
mind, I must say that I regard your question as en- 
tirely pertinent and proper, and so I will answer it 
as best I can. 
In the first place, I have never yet seen the way 



REFORM FROM THE INSIDE. 



227 



cleai*, nor felt that the proper time had arrived. I 
shall not undertake now to answer for the future, but 
shall hold myself free to do whatever my judgment 
and conscience point out as my duty for every hour 
as it comes. But I may say that I have sometimes 
thought that, perhaps, the course I have been pursu- 
ing Avas better than the one you suggest. It is an 
old saying that actions speak louder than words, and 
it has been my aim, in part, to point out the weak- 
nesses of the old churches, and thus endeavor to re- 
form them, by setting before them our own good 
example — conspicuously in contrast with the unpleas- 
ant state of things you have described, and I hope 
also in some other respects. If we continue in the 
future to conduct ourselves as well as we have thus 
far, I think the world will discover w^hatever differ- 
ences there may be between the Church of Practical 
Religion and other churches without having to be 
told of them. 

Then, there is a great body of good people in all of 
the old churches — people who are thoroughly awake 
to the evils you point out, but who have been borne 
down and overshadowed by the bad element — and 
these good people I do not wish to estrange or an- 
tagonize by seeming to strike at them, or at the churcli 
of which they are members. On the contrary, it is 
my- desire to encourage, to stimulate them to rise 
above the corrupt cliques that now control them, and 
to reform their organizations from the inside. You 
know they profess, as we do, to be laboring for the 
betterment of the world, and I deem it far wiser 
to try to bring them into line with us than to so 
maneuver as to array them against us. How long 



223 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



this policy is to be followed must be determined by 
circumstances and the developments of time. 

Eep. It may be said here, briefl}', though outside 
of my general purpose, that, not long after the elec- 
tion at which Mr. Gibson was defeated, in response 
to a considerable demand in Needleton, he organized 
in that village a Church of Practical Religion, in all 
respects similar to the one in Pinville, and he was 
duly installed as its pastor. At this writing Mr. 
Gibson's church is flourishing grandly, and he is de- 
veloping into a preacher of no ordinary power. 



• 



CHAPTEE XVin. 

UNCLE JOB DISCOURSES UPON CHEIST, SPIRIT, AND THE 
RESURRECTION, BESIDES PRACTICAL MATTERS. 

Rep. From time to time, Uncle Job j&lled an entire 
afternoon service with the reading of one of Shak- 
spere's dramas, in an abridged form. His abridg- 
ment was produced by expunging all of those consid- 
erable portions of the author's work which have 
little or no interest to the average mind, and substi- 
tuting therefor brief summaries in prose containing 
the material substance of the expunged portions, to- 
gether with any other matter deemed necessary to 
connect and explain the portions not expunged nor 
abridged. These abridgements wer^ carefully writ- 
ten out and pasted in their proper places in the vol- 
ume from which Uncle Job read. The design was to 
preserve all the beauty and grandeur of Shakspere's 
conception and expression, while discarding, to the 
fullest possible extent those portions which Uncle 
Job called mere lumber." Besides these condensa- 
tions, he also " modernized the text," as he phrased 
it, of the remaining portions. That is^ all obsolete 
or doubtful words were replaced by well-understood 
words in current use, and sometimes Shakspere's 
phraseology was slightly altered, when the author s 



230 



TBY-SQUAEE. 



thouglit could be rendered more clear thereby with- 
out impairing the majesty and beauty of his diction. 
All these changes are noted in the volume aforesaid, 
so that the reader reads right along as though he 
were readino: the orisrinal text. 

"Down to this writing, we have had rendered in this 
way the following plays: ''Julius Caesar," ''Henry 
the Eighth," "The Merchant of Venice," "Macbeth," 
and "Hamlet." Uncle Job is an excellent reader, 
and it is a rich treat to hear him read one of his 
abridgments. He seldom consumes more than an 
hour and a half in reading an entire play, thus 
abridged, and I have failed to discover thus far that 
anvthingj of real value has been left out. The idea 
has already entered my head to beg Uncle Job's per- 
mission to publish his abridged edition of Shakspere 
when he shall have extended his work so as to em- 
brace all of the more popular dramas. I feel sure 
that all whose knowledge of Shakspere is yet to be 
acquired will feel grateful for so great an assistant 

and time-saver. 

« 

In one of his preludes : 

Sawyer. Somebody has sent up a note alluding to 
my speaking of Christ the other day as the Great 
Reformer ^ and then the writer asks, " Do you really 
believe that such a man as Christ is described to 
have been ever lived?" The writer takes pains to 
add emphatically his own disbelief. Now, I can't 
answer this question by Yes or No. I do not believe 
that any man was ever the son of God in any other 
or larger sense than all men are sons of God. But 
expurgate from the story of Christ all the miraculous 



CHKIST. 



231 



and the absurd, and we still have left one of the 
grandest characters in literature. It matters not to 
me whether Christ w^as a real personage or the in- 
A-ention of some unknown writer of fiction. If the 
latter alternative be assumed as true, then I think 
the man, whoever he was, who conceived, created, 
and delineated the character of ^ Jesus Christ must 
necessarily have contained within himself all the 
elements of goodness, gentleness, charity, simplicity, 
sublimity, greatness, and grandeur that he put into 
the character of his creature. In other words, the 
creature could not excel, in any respect, its creator — 
on the principle that a fountain cannot rise higher 
than its source. So I say, whoever he was — a real 
Christ, or the author of a fictitious Christ — I humbly 
bow to him; I venerate him; I reach across the 
abyss of centmnes that separates us to shake him by 
the hand, and to thank him, in the name of all man- 
kind, for the light he has shed upon the earth. He 
succeeded in moving the world as it has seldom been 
moved by a single man. It was through no fault of 
his that fools put absurdities into his mouth, and 
knaves misrepresented and lied about him. He did 
much to remove many false notions that had pre- 
viously prevailed, and it was not his fault that man- 
kind have" since adopted other notions equally false. 
He never pretended that his death would wash away 
the sins of the world; nor that baker's bread and 
grocer's wine " (Theodore Parker) could be so 
changed as to become a part of his body and blood, 
nor that partaking of such bread and wane (or body 
and blood, if you please) w^ould heal the effects of 
sin. Such nonsense was invented long after the time 



232 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



when Christ is supposed to have lived. I speak pos- 
itively on this point, because I assume the logical 
fact that no really good man ever made false pre- 
tenses of any kind, unless driven to it by stress of 
circumstances. For instance, Moses (another great 
and good man) was pardonable, to a considerable 
extent, if not wholly so, for the pious frauds he prac- 
ticed. Circumstances not of his seeking had made 
him absolute ruler over a stiff-necked peojDle who 
had no established laws or customs. They all knew 
that he had no royal blood in his veins, but was one 
of themselves. Therefore they Avould treat his or- 
ders with contempt, unless he made them believe he 
was directed by a su|)ernatural power. So he was 
accustomed to preface whatever he wanted to say by 
words indicating that God had said it. In a certain 
9 sense this was not untrue, in so far as what he said 
was the utterance of natural truth. The Ten Com- 
mandments, for instance, properly interpreted, are 
* in the main laws of God, pre-existing from the be- 
ginning of time, and hence it was not improper to 
assert that God dictated them ; but Moses felt com- 
pelled (and perhaps he was justified by his trying 
situation — I shall not stop to discuss that) to go 
further, and falsely pretend that God had actually 
chiseled the Commandments on the stone tablets with 
his own hand. 

I have failed to discover any circumstances to 
justify Christ in making false pretenses, and so, as I 
said before, I deny that he made any. 

Eep. In the opening services one Sunday in 
May — 



BOTANY. 



233 



Sawyer. I have for some time been thinking of 
giving a few practical lessons in botany, for the 
reason that I have frequently been not only an- 
noyed, but actually disgusted, at finding people of 
the highest intelligence most wofully ignorant of 
the differences which distinguish many of our com- 
monest varieties of trees, shrubs, and plants. I am 
not a scientific botanist — I am not a botanist at all — 
but I have learned to recognize, by the countenance 
or features, as it were, nearly all of the vegetable 
kingdom that inhabit this climate. One of our 
young ladies just out of school is very expert in 
analyzing the blossoms of trees and other plants, and 
in that way determining the name and nature of the 
plant that bore the flower, by reference to a book 
which, she has. But I found her generally quite 
nonplused if I showed her a leaf, piece of bark, &r 
section of wood from a plant, shrub, or tree, if I did 
not also produce the blossom belonging to each. A 
person who has a thorough practical knowledge of 
botany will seldom need to examine a fiower, but he 
will instantly recognize almost any plant, tree, or 
shrub by a glance at a leaf, twig, or chip. I have 
said this much in order to give meaning to what I 
am about to say. Arrangements are nearly perfected 
by which, some Sunday early in June, all who desire 
to can go on an excursion out to Mr. Ellsworth's 
farm, about ten miles from here on the railway, for 
the purpose of taking a practical lesson on the sub- 
ject I have introduced. Mr. Ellsworth has a large 
tract of timber of all sizes and varieties common in 
this section, lying close by the railroad, and he in- 
forms me that he has commenced to clear off a few 



234 



TEY-SQUAKE. 



acres where we shall be free to cut and slash to our 
heart's content. He promises to be there himself 
with an ax to chop into any tree that anybody may 
wish to investigate. Open fields lie adjacent to the 
woods, and there is also near by a sort of wilderness, 
half wood, half open, part ravine, part swamp, and 
part dry, where many varieties of -plants, trees, and 
shrubs grow in great profusion. The railroad com- 
pany have agreed to run a train especially for us at 
reasonable excursion rates. I shall try to have on 
hand a sufficient number of practical woodmen with 
axes or hatchets to act as teachers. This excursion 
will not be limited to our own members, but all well- 
disposed persons are cordially invited. In order to 
secure us against the intrusion of ill-disposed per- 
sons, all tickets will be issued by the executive com- 
mittee of this Church, and the committee will exer- 
cise discretion in withholding tickets from unworthy 
persons. All who wish to go should procure their 
tickets as early as Saturday noon, so that the rail- 
road official%may have timely information as to how 
many cars will be required. The train will leave the 
station at 10 A.M., and will return about 5 or 6 p.m. 
Of course, whatever food will be required during our 
absence must be carried from here. 

I sincerely trust that all who decide to take this 
trip will be made better thereby, and that the hours 
thus employed may be added to the time spent in 
^' searching to find out God." 

Kep. It remains only to say that the above pro- 
gramme was carried out with signal success. The 
day was all that could be desired for such an occa- 
sion, and no untoward incident occurred that could 



FINE ADDKESSES. 



235 



serve as a text for unfavorable criticism. Over eight 
hundred persons availed themselves of the oppor- 
tunity, and all. like Oliver Twist, expressed a wish 
for more. Other similar excursions were had during 
the summer with equal success — one in each of the 
months of July, August, September, and October. 
Only two trips were made to Ellsworth's farm, but 
other parts of the country were visited with a view 
to other branches of instruction than botany, one 
trip being devoted particularly to geology and 
mineralogy'. 

One day a college professor from a neighboring 
state, who had been sojourning a few days in Pin- 
ville, was introduced to Uncle Job. The professor had 
attended the services at the Church of Practical Re- 
ligion on the preceding Sunday, and on being intro- 
duced, he undertook to express his admiration for 
Uncle Job's preaching, and among other things in 
that line he said he thought the address he had 
listened to was a very fine one— ^ 

Sawyer {interrupting). Now you have touched me 
in a tender place indeed. Favorable comment, wiien 
it comes from the heart, is always gratifying, al- 
though it may embarrass us to receive it in person, 
at first hand ; and even unfavorable comments, when 
not meant to be unfavorable, should doubtless be 
received in the same spirit that conceived them. 
Yet I feel that I must mildly protest against being 
called a fine preacher, even at the risk of offending a 
real friend, though I intend no offense. The fact is 
that fine preaching is just what I have been trying 
all the while to avoid above all other things, and I 



236 



TRY-SQUARE. 



should be sorry, indeed, if I had failed after all. My 
candid opinion is that in these latter days the whole 
world is being greatly afflicted with a superabund- 
ance of fine writing and fine speaking. If you want 
to find rugged strength in literature, you must go 
back to the Avritings of the older times when (al- 
though we may reject the sentiment expressed) every 
word had an edge like a knife, and every sentence 
was pregnant — actually squirming — with thought 
and feeling. But in these " weak piping times ''fine 
writing and fine speaking (which nearly all seem to 
be struggling after) appear to consist in so smooth- 
ing away the sharp edges and polishing off the 
rugged places as to hide or destroy whatever vital 
principle of thought the writer or speaker may have 
intended to convey (if any) by his diction, so that 
the reader or hearer, as Hosea Biglow says, seems 
to "slide rite off as you du on the eedge of a mow." 
Fine writing and fine speaking seem to be chiefly 
employed by persons who really have nothing to say, 
but who either tJmik thej have, or wish to 7na]ce be- 
lieve they have. Tou leave the room where you have 
listened to what the latter-day critics call a fine 
speech, and you can not recall a single idea that the 
speaker conveyed to your mind, yet you felt highly 
pleased with the speech during its delivery, and the 
pleasant sensation continues for some time — in 
short, you are impressed in all respects very much 
as one is who listens to the strains of an ^olian 
harp or other untuned and untrained music. Fine 
writing is even worse than fine speaking, for the 
former lacks the musical effect found in the latter. 
You simply wade through words, words, words, in 



SANITAKY MATTERS. 



237 



search of an idea, and too often your labors go unre- 
warded. 

Ppofessor. I acknowledge tlie truth and justice of 
your strictures for the most part, and assure you 
that I did not intend to use the word fine in the 
sense that seems to have struck you. I was trying 
to convey to your mind the fact that your preaching 
met my approval, and in doing so I used the word 
fine without thought of the new and stilted meaning 
that is being grafted upon it of late. But don't you 
think you have made your remarks almost too 
sweeping ? 

Sawyer. Yes, I was intending to qualify them by 
admitting that some of the finest writers and speakers 
really have something to saj^, and they often say it, 
too, with the greatest force and effect; but to my 
mind they do their best work when they make their 
least effort to be fine. 

Bep. Uncle Job frequently drops hints on sanitary 
matters in his sermons, and also in private conversa- 
tion; but one Sunday, when the public mind was 
somewhat excited over an expected visitation of 
cholera, he devoted a whole sermon to the condition 
of our village ; from which I will make a few ex- 
tracts, not so much because it contains anything new, 
as to show what kind of pulpit dissertation he 
deemed compatible with the worship of God. 

Sawyer. What I am about to say concerning the 
sanitary condition of this village is not intended to 
condemn Pinville below all other places; but will 
apply with nearly equal force to most towns of its 
size anywhere. The fact is, there is a point in the 



238 



TRY-SQUARE. 



growth of every considerable town and city when its 
sanitary condition becomes simply terrible — and 
Pinville is now right in that worst period — I hope, 
at least, that we shall never be any worse in that re- 
spect than we are to-day. That terrible point lies 
just before the transition from an overgrown village, 
without sewers or water-works, into a well-regulated 
city, with all needed sanitary improvements. When 
the territory occupied by this village was only a 
rural neighborhood, it was doubtless as healthy a 
place to live in as any in the United States ; but 
w^hen the same ground is covered by a compact vil- 
lage without sewers or drainage, and without water, 
except from the natural sources, it becomes quite 
another thing, unless unusual care and caution are 
exercised by every inhabitant. Most of the water 
used for drinking and for cooking is drawn from 
wells, and I do not believe there is a particle of such 
water in the village that is pui-e and wholesome. On 
the flat portion of the town the wells are mostly 
made by driving iron tubes into the ground, and some 
seem to think, because a dog or cat cannot fall into 
one of these wells, that they are proof against im- 
purities of all kinds. But this whole flat has been 
formed by the deposit of cobblestones, gravel, sand, 
and clay brought down by the river in an early day, 
and w^e all know it to be very porous. Now, everyi 
family has its cess-pool and its privy-vault, and there 
is no drain from either, except by percolation down- 
ward through the porous earth and stones. The 
pumps, constantly drawing water from the bottom of 
the wells, create vacuums there which have to be 
supplied continually from the surface ; and, as the 



IMPURE WATER. 



239 



cess-pool and privy usually have more moisture than 
bther portions of the surface, they must be expected 
to furnish rather more than an even share toward 
filling the vacuums at the bottom of the wells. Of 
course, the most offensive portions of the w^ater are 
strained out on its course through the sand, etc., 
towards the vacuums — at least, this is so until a well- 
defined channel has been worn direct from the cess- 
pool or vault to the vacuum, as often happens. If 
anybody doubts the existence of such underground 
channels, I would refer him to Mr. William New- 
comb, who lost the use of a well entirely because, 
after a time, it became connected by such a channel 
with the gas-house, more than thirty rods away, and 
its waters were offensively impregnated with the 
refuse from the manufacture of gas. But some say 
that, while this may be so on the flat, it cannot be 
so on the side-hill, portion of the village, because 
there all wells have to be sunk through the solid 
rock. I was once of the latter opinion myself ; but 
experience and reflection have led me to change my 
mind. All the water that we draw from the earth 
has first to get into the earth from the surface. This 
is proved by the fact that a long-continued drouth 
will dry up any well, unless it is fed directly from 
lake or river. The water somehow finds its way down 
through the rocks, and the contents of cess-pools and 
privies are just as likely to find their way into the 
wells as pure water is. Wherever we can see the 
perpendicular formation of the rocks, as in ravines, 
we observe that every few feet (sometimes every few 
inches) a perpendicular seam, crevice, or fault occurs, 
and the horizontal layers, too, are full of seanv* 



240 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



through ^\'hich water slowly oozes, ahd I suppose 
this formation to be just the same where the rocks 
are hidden from our sight. At any rate, I know the 
fact that a side-hill well on my own premises, which 
used to supply a whole neighborhood with excellent 
water, has become unfit for domestic use since Mr. 
"Watson built his barn about five years ago. The 
barn stands about twenty rods from the well, nearly 
above, but partly to one side. The first year or two 
after the barn was built the water was not noticeably 
affected ; but the third year, in the spring, when the 
frost was leaving the ground, the water became 
slightly colored, but corrected its color when settled 
weather came. The next year it was worse, and this 
spring it was so bad that the water looked as though 
it had been dipped from a pool near the manure-heap 
in the barn-yard. There was no mistaking the cause 
of the difficulty. 

Many who reside near the river, recognizing the 
impurity of the well water, have resorted to river 
water, in the belief that running water purifies itself. 
I am not prepared to say that water cannot purify 
itself if it has time enough and is subjected to the 
proper influences ; but I do not believe any purifica- 
tion takes place while running swiftly ten, or even 
fifty miles. Filth will become more or less dissolved 
and diluted in going that distance, and the heavier 
portions will settle to the bottom and continue to 
pollute the water that flows over them ; but it would 
require considerable evidence to convince me that 
the contents of a privy dumped into the river fifty 
miles above here becomes chemically changed into 
pure and wholesome drinking-water by the time it 



HOW STREAMS ARE CORRUPTED. 



241 



reaches us. I think such a proposition is absurd. 
Now, there are at least a dozen little Tillages on the 
river and its tributaries above us, and every inhab- 
itant of every such village takes pains to throve all 
the foul stuff possible into the streams. Then there 
are farm-houses and barns all along between the vil- 
lages, and along every brook and brooklet from its 
mouth to its source, and the streams, lai^e and 
small, are invariably made use of as the easiest mode 
of getting rid of all manner of refuse and filth. Es- 
pecially do farmers set their privies over brooks 
whenever possibleo And then it is not an uncommon 
thing to see a dead and decaying horse or other ani- 
mal lying partly in the water and pa^rtly out along the 
"banks of the main stream and not far above us. In 
short, the river and its tributaries constitute a vast 
sewerage system for a considerable territory, and I 
believe it to be impossible for a receptable for filth 
to be at the same time the source of pure and whole- 
some water, at least to an3^body below the highest 
riparian proprietor. In winter, when this same 
water is frozen, our ice-houses are filled with it. 
Perhaps this cannot be avoided at present, but I 
think the ice should only be used for cooling pur- 
poses, in refrigerators and ice-boxes, and that care 
should be taken to prevent the melted ice from 
mingling with anything that we eat or drink. I am 
not unmindful of the fact that much less filth flows 
into the river in winter than in summer, but yet I 
think it is never free from contamination. I must 
say that if some dire disease should seize upon us 
now, and sweep away a large part of our population. 
I should consider it a direct " visitation of God." I 



242 TRY-SQUAEE. 

know there are some high-toned people who think 
that old phrase is out of date ; but I am always 
willing to give God his due, even to the extent of 
using old-fashioned expressions. I tell you again, 
my friends, God is Law, and I firmly believe that 
the state of things I have outlined to-day is a stand- 
ing invitation to the "angel of destruction." 

" What shall we do to be saved? " 

First of all, stop using both well water and river 
water for drinking and cooking. 

Second, thoroughly cleanse your cisterns, procure 
good filters, and hereafter use filtered rain water ex- 
clusively for drinking and all culinary purposes. 

Third, destroy and fill up your cess-pools with dry 
earth, and hereafter deposit your house-slops on the 
surface of the bare ground in the broad glare of the 
sun. I have done this for years with excellent 
results. House-slops are not particularly offensive 
or unhealthy when first thrown out ; but by stand- 
ing in a pool until fermentation and partial decom- 
position take place, no privy-vault is more terrible. 
My waste pipe is an open wooden trough, and runs 
on top of the ground to a point near the roots of a 
thrifty tree, about fifty feet from the house, where 
the sun shines all through the middle of the day, 
and the place of deposit is changed a few feet quite 
frequently, the same places being used over and over 
again, and everything around there always seems 
perfectly sweet and Avholesome. 

Fourth, destroy and fill up your privy-vaults, set 
metallic pails (copper is best) to catch the droppings, 
treat the latter with dry pulverized earth, or gypsum, 
and empty as often as once a week in hot weather, 



A PBACTICE TO BE ABANDONED. 243 



and two weeks is long enough for any time of year. 
If you have a garden, or other open ground, the con- 
tents of the pails may be safely buried there, but 
not deeply, where the sun shines. ^' Old Sol " and 
"Mother Earth" acting together are great purifiers 
when you give them a chance. Those who have no 
suitable place for burial wi]l, of course, have to have 
the contents of their pails carted away either to the 
suburbs, where the farmers and gardeners will wel- 
come them, or to the river, which we may as well use 
for a sewer as not, if everybody else continues to 
use it so, though I feel fearful that so much foul 
matter thrown into the river must poison the at- 
mosphere more or less, and I would like to see the 
practice entirely abandoned. There are lots of men 
who will be glad to empty the pails and take care of 
their contents for a reasonable fee. Doubtless those 
who would have to have their pails carried away 
would also have to do likewise with their house- 
slops ; for it loill not do to pollute the soil of our vil- 
lage and also the air by making vast reservoirs of 
filth underground where nothing can purify them, 
and where they remain and accumulate nastiness for 
years — twenty years, I have heard in one case. 
These perennial, fermenting, festering, putrid pools 
of pollution generate an abundance of foul gases 
which force their way through the porous, overlying 
soil, and poison the air we breathe. 

Fifth, the things I have mentioned must be done, 
if at all at the present time, by the voluntary action 
of our people, for there is no inclination, in our 
corporate authorities, even indeed if the power exists, 
to make any such improvements or regulations as I 



214 TRY-SQUARE. 

have suggested ; but I sincerely hope that this is 
that darkest hour that is said to precede the day. I 
hope our people will awake to a realization of their 
awful peril, and will work out for themselves a 
thorough, radical, and permanent reform by the 
adoption of complete systems of sewerage and water 
supply, as well as all other needed sanitary rules 
and regulations. These things, however, will re- 
quire time and patience ; but the other changes that 
I have mentioned can be adopted at once, and they 
must be, as we value our lives. 

Bep. One Sunday Uncle Job found on his desk a 
written slip containing the question : " What is 
Practical Religion? " 

Sawyer. This question seems almost trivial at this 
late day and in this place, but I will assume that it 
comes from one of the strangers present, and so 
answer it briefly. 

Practical religion is religion that is expected to 
stand the wear and tear of actual practice — a kind of 
natural, every-day religion. To illustrate a little : 
those who have known me long, have observed that 
I wear the same clothing every day in the week — 
Sundays and all. I also wear my religion in the 
same way. I have no more, nor better, nor different 
religion on Sundays than on any other day. A per- 
son who wishes to live his religion every day must 
be careful not to adopt and profess an unreasonaUe 
or impracticable religion. We think we have found 
a religion that will loash, and we have named it ac- 
cordingly. There is enough of it for everybody, and 
everybody is cordially invited to partake thereof. 



A MIEACLE. 



245 



We liave no faith in any religion that is too good to 
be practiced everj^ day in the week. 

Eer At the opening of the Sunday exercises, one 
day, Uncle Job startled his audience — 

Sawyek. I am going to jDerform to-day in your 
presence as great a miracle as was ever performed 
by man since creation's dawn. 

Eep. Here Uncle Job produced from his pocket a 
small gyroscope, of the simplest style, and after sub- 
jecting it to the necessary manipulation, held it up 
and pointed out that it seemed to defy the law of 
gravitation. 

Sawyer. No philosopher has ever satisfactorily 
explained the why and the wherefore of the move- 
ments of this little toy. Yet its movements are gov- 
erned by laiu as much as the stars are in their 
courses. In fact, I am somewhat of the opinion that 
the same law that governs the solar system is also 
manifesting itself here before our very eyes. As I 
said before, no greater miracle was ever performed 
by human agency than you have witnessed to-day ; 
and yet this is not a miracle at all. In other words, 
there is no such thing as a miracle, and never was. 
Everything that we do not understand is mysterious^ 
but not miraculous. To believe in miracles is to be- 
lieve that the world is not governed by law, which is 
false and absurd. Some of the mysteries which were 
formerly called miracles have been fully solved and 
explained, and perhaps others may be in the fulness 
of time ; but some that we read of are so manifestly 
false that I must be pardoned for saying flatly that 
they will never be explained nor proved possible. 



246 



TET-SQUAEE. 



At the close of the exercises, I hope any who desire 
to will come forward and examine this gyroscope 
more closely. It is a wonderful thing — a mysterious 
thing ; but not a trick nor a humbug. "When I first 
saw it in operation, I could hardly believe my senses. 
God is great. 

In a prelude — 

Sawyee. I have recently had a very interesting 
conversation on the subject of the resurrection with 
a clergyman whom I believe to be a very good and 
perfectly sincere man. He said he had searched the 
Bible through prayerfully again and again to find 
proof of a life beyond the grave, but that he found 
no hope except in the resurrection ; and his idea of 
the resurrection is that what we call death is just as 
absolutely the end of all for a human being as for a 
snake or insect, and that nothing short of omnipotent 
power can call the dead back to life ; that God can 
do that just as easily as he could create life in the 
beginning ; and that God had promised to restore 
life to ns by the resurrection. He thinks we shall 
be conscious of nothing from the time of death until 
the resurrection, even though millions of years should 
elapse. He expects to be physically restored to life 
by the resurrection, and upon this same earth, so as 
to be precisely the same man he is now, with sub- 
stantially the same environments — nothing more and 
nothing less. I asked him if he didn't dread the 
yawning gulf of ages that intervened. He said No ; 
that we would realize that period no more than we 
now do a sleep from night till morning. I do not 
know how widespread this particular belief is, but 



RESUKRECTION. 



247 



this man seemed perfectly contented and happy with 
it. I am afraid, however, that I staggered him a 
little by suggesting that if the world should continue 
to stand as long in the future as it has in the past, 
the whole surface of the earth, from pole to pole, in- 
cluding both land and sea, would scarcely afford 
standing-room for the resurrected population. I 
told him I thought they would be pressed together 
like figs in a box. He said he hadn't thought of it 
in that light, but he was sure the Lord would pro- 
vide amply for their comfort and happiness in some 
way. 

These things have led me to reflect upon the spirit 
world as believed in by the Spiritualists and by 
Christians generally. If a spirit has length, breadth, 
and thickness — that is, if it occupies a portion of 
space so that two spirits can not occupy the same 
space at the same time — then, with the earth and all 
the celestial orbs acting as perpetual factories of un- 
dying spirits, it would seem possible for a time to 
come when the spirit-world would be overstocked. 
But this is only human logic applied to a human sup- 
position, and it doesn't trouble me much if the sup- 
position suffers from the application of the logic. I 
feel as certain that God will provide what is best as 
my clerical friend does, and I am willing to trust 
God entirely as to the how and when and where. I 
shall spend but little time in guessing ; for, of all the 
countless thousands of guesses that have been, and 
will be, made on the subject, only one can be right, 
and perhaps not even one. 

Eep. About the time of General Grant's death. 



248 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



Uncle Job followed the custom then prevailing and 
preached a sermon on Grant ; but it was not all 
eulogy. He said it would be doing a great wrong to 
the rising generation to hold General Grant up to 
them as a pattern in all respects worthy of imitation. 
For it is well known, he said, that Grant had faults, 
and some grievous ones, and that he had committed 
terrible mistakes (some of them amounting almost to 
crimes) not only as a soldier, but as president, and 
as a citizen. Uncle Job mentioned two or three in- 
stances of what he called mistakes in Grant's mili- 
tary career; but said he did not intend to discuss 
military matters to any great extent, as he did not 
consider himself competent to do so. He said, how- 
ever, that there were some things that were so plain 
as to be readily seen by an unprofessional eye. One 
of these was Grant's awful blunder in allowing him- 
self to be surprised, and his army overwhelmed 
and almost destroyed, at Shiloh. No army, said 
he, is safe in an enemy's country unless prop- 
erly guarded by pickets or skirmishers in advance 
of it on all exposed sides. But Grant supposed 
he was pursuing a retreating enemy, and so ne- 
glected a precaution that should never be neglected 
under any circumstances. Some persons attempt to 
excuse this blunder by saying that our people won 
the battle, and, therefore, that the blunder was 
harmless. I deny, said Uncle Job, that the blunder 
did no harm. Thousands of men, as good as Grant 
himself, suffered on account of it, and we shall be 
wise not to forget it. We are too apt to look upon 
the fortunes of military commanders as constituting 
all that is at stake in war, and to forget that the 



GRANT AND THE WHISKY RINGS. 



249 



brave men wlio do all the actual fighting and endure 
most of the physical suffering are something more 
than mere buttons on a checker-board. 

Uncle Job mentioned several of Grant's acts as 
president, which he denounced as gross mistakes, if 
not crimes. I will only mention one here as a 
sample, and will give it substantially in his own 
words : 

Sawyer. Grant made one terrible mistake (and at 
the time it seemed to me like a crime) by thwarting 
the ends of justice in what were called the Whisky 
Eing prosecutions. I don't believe Grant had any 
interest in or actual knowledge of the frauds ; but 
some of his friends were less fortunate in that 
respect. Grant was president, and when the frauds 
were discovered, he said, with righteous fire, "Let 
no guilty man escape," and the prosecutions were 
pushed vigorously with his approval. But when the 
indictments began to reach into his own official 
household, and to alight upon his near personal 
friends, his mind changed and also his conduct. He 
then directed the discharge of the most energetic 
counsel engaged in the prosecutions, and appointed 
a military commission, ostensibly to assist in the in- 
vestigation, but really with the intention of obstruct- 
ing the due administration of justice. He took all 
force and spirit out of the prosecutions, and caused 
them to languish and finally to die. I do not know 
but I am the only man on this continent who will 
refer to such matters as these on a funeral occa- 
sion, but I am deeply impressed with the idea that 
if such things are allowed to be forgotten, our young 
men will grow up with the notion that one or two 



250 



TRY-SQUAEE. 



rigliteoTis acts will wipe out and condone any griev- 
ous offense they may wish to commit. 

Kep. Uncle Job also took occasion to make some 
remarks regarding General Grant's private life, in 
part as follows : 

Sawyer. His inordinate use of tobacco brought its 
legitimate results ; for there can be no doubt that 
the malady of which he died was a direct dispen- 
sation of Providence " — a punishment for excessive 
self-indulgence. And then, I have been unable to 
believe him so entirely innocent of all of Ferdinand 
Ward's transactions as people generally appear, or 
pretend, to think he was. General Grant was not 
an idiot, and he had lived in this world upwards of 
sixty years ; was in reasonably good health, and had 
ample opportunity to ascertain how Ward managed 
to obtain the immense profits he promised. Grant 
knew that those promised profits were abnormally 
large, and if he had had only ordinary curiosity, he 
must have wondered many times how they were ob- 
tained. Did he never ask Ward to explain how he 
could afford to pay 240 per cent a year for loans ? 
Did Ward respond, with a wink, that it would be 
better for Grant not to pry too closely into the 
secrets of the business ? There is something about 
these matters that we don't know the whole truth 
about yet. I am forced to believe that Grant sus- 
pected that Ward's operations were not honest, but 
yet was willing to profit by them, and to promote 
them with his great name, if he could do so without 
becoming an actual, knowing participant in the 
wrong-doing. In other words, I am afraid Grant 
willingly shut his eyes, and purposely kept himself 



VISITATION OF GOB. 



ignorant of liis partner's guilty acts so as to be able 
to plead the ''baby act" if Ward should get into 
trouble. Perhaps he was a little like the Irishman 
who, having signed the pledge, wished somebody 
would mix a dhrap of the crathur with his drink 
unheknoivnst to him." Of course, Grant had no 
thought that possibly Ward might cheat his partner. 
He believed, if there was no honor among thieves, 
yet that Ward would not kill the goose that was lay- 
ing him golden eggs; and so, with his eyes volun- 
tarily closed, he was allured to his ruin. "Oh, what 
a fall was there, my countrymen ! " 

This was another "visitation of God." I want to 
impress upon mj brethren indelibly the fact that 
effect follows cause in this world with the certainty 
of fate. Tamper not with evil in the hope of dodg- 
ing the consequences, for you wall surely fail. Re- 
member Grant, and learn wisdom from his sad 
experience. 

But, in spite of all of Grant's faults and mistakes, 
he had many noble qualities worthy of the highest 
praise. I need not dilate upon them, for all the 
changes will be rung on them for months and years 
to come. As a soldier he has the distinction of 
being the only Union commander who caused the 
surrender of any considerable body of the enemy's 
troops. I do not forget Banks at Port Hudson, but 
that surrender was largely owing to Grant's success 
at Vicksburg. Nor do I ignore the several capitula- 
tions after Appomattox ; but they were all due 
entirely to the surrender of Lee's army. This is in- 
deed a rare distinction — one that his family may 
well be proud of — but it is no reason why we should 



252 



TRY-SQUARE. 



grow SO wild as to twist his very faults into virtues, 
and his blunders into marks of genius. I hear it 
said all about me that Grant was never defeated ; 
but I assert that he was often defeated both in the 
West and in Virginia. When a man undertakes to 
do a certain thing in a cejtain way, and fails, what 
is it but a defeat? It is none the less a defeat be- 
cause he gets up and tries again in some other way. 
Grant was defeated in the Wilderness, at Spott- 
sylvania, at Cold Harbor, and many times about 
Petersburg. But, says one, you will concede that 
Grant never retreated. No, I am not ready yet to 
concede even that ; for I have always understood 
until lately that he retreated in considerable haste 
from Belmont. I don't wish to be captious, but I 
do hope to prevent people from forgetting that our 
armies were composed of several other men besides 
Grant. It was not Grant, but the spirit of the FREE 
NOETH, that conquered the Eebellion. The Ee- 
bellion had to be cut down like a very large and 
tough tree — by blow after blow with the ax. We 
broke and damaged several pretty good axes before 
the job was completed, and Grant happened to be 
the principal ax we were using when the tree finally 
fell. Each performed his part as well as he could 
considering his environments, and contributed his 
full share to the grand result ; and we shall only 
make fools of ourselves now by bestowing all the 
credit upon one man. I remember a company of 
soldiers that went from this place in those dark days 
of April, 1861. Some of those war-worn, battle- 
shattered, bullet-scarred heroes are with us now; 
but some perished in the deadly struggle. You re- 



REAL HEROES. 



253 



member, my friends, that tlie sound of Beauregard's 
guns at Charleston had hardly ceased to reverberate 
among these hills before our village was swarming 
with young men, of excellent character and family, 
hunting for a recruiting office. Those men marched 
to the sound of the enemy's cannon." They did not 
enlist to better their condition, but they all made 
genuine sacrifices, as you all know. I tell you these 
men were real heroes. Talk to me about Grant! 
What sacrifice did he make for his country? What 
physical suffering did he endure ? Oh, yes, he volun- 
teered. I admit that. He was willing to take com- 
mand of a regiment, where he could have a horse to 
ride and a good salary to put into his pocket ; but if 
these have been denied to him the probability is that 
he would still be working in an Illinois tan-yard. 
He was willing to go to war, if he could thereby 
better his condition. He did better his condition. 
He was made commander of the armies, president 
of the United States, and a millionaire ; and yet I 
am told that his family are not satisfied. Oh, shame 
on them ! Let us give to General Grant all that is 
due him, in overflowing measure; but in doing so 
let us be careful that we subtract nothing from the 
just deserts of others. 



CHAPTER XIX. 



A REVIEW OF THE ELECTION — A NEW PARTY — ITS PRIN- 
CIPLES AND ITS ORGAN. 

Eep. In my efforts at condensation, I had decided 
to omit mention of a certain matter which, ever since 
such decision, has been continually dancing before 
my eyes, night and day, demanding notice, and it 
will not down at my bidding, so I have at last con- 
cluded to give it recognition in a short chapter 
here. 

Soon after the election heretofore mentioned, in 
which Mr. Skillet defeated Mr. Gibson, in a Sunday 
prelude — 

Sawyer. The recent auction, miscalled an election, 
was one of the most corrupt in the history of our 
county. I am glad to believe that some who had 
previously participated in such corruption had be- 
come so ashamed of it that they behaved themselves 
properly in the last campaign ; but others appear to 
have been stung to raving madness by my efforts 
here to prevent their vile practices. At any rate, 
Mr. Bottle, Mr. Badsinner, Mr. Puppet, and their 
lackeys waded into the corrupt work with a zeal and 
boldness that seemed fairly desperate. They as- 
sumed a regular "What-are-you-going-to-do-about-it ? 

2 54 



PLAIN SPEAKING BY SAWYER. 



255 



air ; and, so far as legal remedy is concerned, we can 
do nothing about it, for the legal machinery is all in 
their hands. They feel so secure from punishment 
that they even make no bones"^ of admitting their 
crimes to friends and foes alike, on the streets, or 
wherever the subject is mentioned. Our little circle 
had reason to feel the result of the so-called election 
very bitterly in the defeat of Brother Gibson ; but, 
while I feel the ties of personal friendship as strongly 
as any one, yet it is in a far higher and broader aspect 
than mere friendship or partisanship that I now view 
this subject. Where is this thing to end? What is 
our country coming to ? These matters are growing 
worse from year to year. I do not charge or believe 
that either one of the great political parties is any 
worse than the other in this respect ; but I am proud 
to know that occasionally a man can yet be found 
who will not "palter with eternal God for power." 
I know, as well as a man can know anything, that our 
brother Gibson is that kind of man. He is a man of 
some means, and could easily have purchased the 
election if he had been willing to do so. I know that 
he was importuned by the prostitutes for money, and 
that he refused them. I know that, when the elec- 

* When opportunity occurred, I called Uncle Job's attention to 
this expression, and gently hinted that, though it was common in 
the vernacular, I had never been able to see any sense or propriety 
in it, to say nothing of its inelegance. 

Sawyer. Why, as for elegance, you know I pay but little atten- 
tion to that ; but to me that expression always had a most vivid 
meaning. If a cat or dog tries to eat a piece of meat with a bone 
in it, it is hard work ; but the animal will very easily and quickly 
get rid of a piece that has no bone. Hence, to make no bones of 
anything is to make nothing of it. — Rep. 



256 



TKY-SQUARE. 



tion day was near at liand, he was implored by some 
of the best men (so called) in his party to accede to 
the demands of the prostitutes, and thus make sure 
of his election — they believing that his defeat would 
be a public calamity — but he steadfastly refused, and 
he tells me that he is glad that he refused, and 
would do just so again. I know that he will be re- 
warded for that straightforward conduct, for " virtue 
is its own reward." Perhaps the meanest thing his 
opponents did, aside from their crimes, was to start 
the hue and cry, while in the yery act of buying votes 
against him, that he had flooded the county with 
money to corrupt the voters with and to defeat a 
poor man. This most scandalous and damnable lie 
was concocted by Badsinner, and his hired prosti- 
tutes shouted and howled it at every poll in the 
county from morning till night ; and I am informed, 
I am sorry to say, that some very good but silly 
people,* who would have refused to take the word of 
any of these prostitutes for the loan of five cents, 
were influenced by this hue and cry, and refused to 
vote for so corrupt a man — which fact speaks better 
for their hearts than for their heads. 

One of the candidates for sheriff started out Avith 
the honest intention of adhering strictly to the law, 
and he did so until he was visited by a committee of 
so-called best men of his party, when he fell. From 
that moment there was no end to the demands of 
the prostitutes until sunset on election day. They 
bled him badly — having started down hill, there was 
no stopping-place — but at that time most of them 
had been soured against him by previous refusals, 
and they simply pocketed his money and permitted, 



A NEW POLITICAL PABTY. 



257 



or assisted in, liis defeat — and he ivas defeated. He 
paid the penalty of his weakness, and I hope he will 
derive both profit and wisdom from that dear-bought 
part of his education. "Which of these two defeated 
candidates, think you, feels the better to-day ? 

But I said I was looking at these things in a higher 
and broader sense. I tell you, my friends, this cor- 
ruption will have an end someichere. Perhaps there 
may yet be among us as many righteous men as God 
was willing to save Sodom for, and, if so, the corrupt 
tide may yet be turned back and the country saved 
from impending doom. But, if we lack that sufficient 
number of righteous men, I warn you, my brethren, 
that this government and this people will go down in 
wreck and ruin just as surely, and just as literally, 
as Sodom was sunk, according to the old story ; for 
God reigns, my brethren, and this is God's logic. 

Some time ago I suggested the idea that one means 
of cure for this evil might be found in the organiza- 
tion of a new political party, with purity in elections'' 
for its corner-stone ; but mere suggestions amount 
to nothing unless they are acted upon ; and since the 
last election I have been thinking very seriously of 
trying to start such a party in this county. I know 
full well that all the prostitutes and other base be- 
ings, as well as those other shameless villains of high 
and low degree who furnish the corruption funds and 
profit by their use, will sneer and scoff at such a 
project, as one of "old Job Sawyer's cranky notions," 
with other expressions of contempt less polite ; but I 
care no more for that, personally, than for the 
wheezing of so many old bagpipes. I only fear that 
derision of me may deter some of the weak-hearted 



258 



TKY-SQUAKE. 



from assisting in the work, and that, in that way, I 
may become a clog and detriment to the undertaking. 
Nevertheless, I have resolved to make th-e effort, and 
then, whatever the result may be, I shall at least 
have the sweet satisfaction and reward of knowing 
that I have done what little was in my power to save 
our institutions from the doom of Sodom. When I 
look over the field and contemplate the up-hill work, 
and all the obstacles to be surmounted, I feel that 
my feeble voice will be, indeed, a voice crying in the 
wilderness. So it was with Jonah, but he saved 
Nineveh — after he had been severely punished for 
shirkincr a known dutv. 

I propose to commence to-day and at this moment. 
Every voter within the sound of my voice who is 
willing to become a charter member of the new party 
will please rise to his feet. 

Eep. Fully one hundred and fifty men stood up, 
including some half-dozen political prostitutes and 
scallawags in the back part of the room, who had 
dropped in to get texts for sport and jests ; but they 
slid out of the door near by without taking their 
seats again. In a moment all were seated, and 
then — 

Sawyee. That is a good start. Let all of you who 
decide to join the new party meet with me in this 
room next Saturday night, at eight o'clock, for further 
action, and in the mean time let each of us strive to 
induce his neis-hbors to unite with us. Let it be un- 
derstood that no man will be barred out on account 
of race, color, or previous political affiliation. I will 
even be in favor of taking in the prostitutes, if they 
are willing to join us, and will agree to " go, and 



GREAT ENTHUSIASM. 



259 



no more ;" but it will take a pretty long season of 
good conduct on tlieir part to satisfy me that any of 
them ought to be allowed to hold any place of trust. 
We will now proceed with the regular work of the 
day. 

Eep. The Saturday night meeting was attended by 
about one hundred voters, and nearly every oBe of 
them reported one or more others wdio would join, 
but who could not attend the meeting for one reason 
or another. Those present were full of zeal, and 
Gustavus Nash was especially demonstrative. He 
said he hailed the movement with exceeding joy. He 
said that, on account of our corrupt politics, he had 
for years been so disgusted with republican govern- 
ment that he had advocated a return to a limited 
monarchy as the only cure for the evil that he could 
conceive of. In fact, he said, he thought that was 
just where we were now^ drifting to ; for the great, 
honest, industrious, economical, thrifty, and well-to- 
do middle class was being gradually ground to atoms 
between the upper and nether millstones, namely, 
the rich who buy votes, and the poor who sell them, 
so that in the end a few will be very rich and all the 
rest will be poor and dependent, and then some 
Caesar will assume the throne of empire ; and after 
that again, our children's children will have to battle 
a thousand years to regain the freedom that so many 
people are now willing to throw away, or to sell for 
a song. 

Others made speeches expressing their sentiments 
with energy, and finally — 

Sawyer. I am glad to see so much enthusiasm at 
the outset, and I hope the head of steam now on will 



260 



TKY-SQUAEE. 



not be allowed to exhaust itself in mere talk. Our 
party, to amount to anything, must have an efficient 
organization ; that is to say, there is much work to 
be done without pay, and the duty of doing particu- 
lar parts of the work must be assumed by, or thrust 
upon, somebody, and those somebodies must know 
what their tasks are, and must perform them, or we 
shall fail. I suppose we shall to-night adopt some 
sort of platform " for our party, and then I think a 
thorough personal canvass should be made all over 
the county to get signatures to the platform. We 
should also have an " organ " of some kind and some- 
bodj^ to edit and manage it. I will say right here 
that I have this week tried all three of the news- 
papers printed here, and offered to pay what I 
thought was a reasonable sum for one column 
weekly, to be edited by a person designated by us ; 
but all demanded advertising rates, and very high 
rates they were, too — so high as to be practically 
prohibitory. I have also visited the little job office 
on River street, and I find them willing to assist us 
at very reasonable rates. They have a small steam 
power, and a job press capable of printing a page ten 
inches by twelve in size. This will answer our pres- 
ent needs, I think, and I have promised to assist 
them in buying a more suitable press as soon as it 
shall appear to be needed. We can start a little two- 
page paper at once, at a merely nominal subscription 
price — say twenty-five cents a year — and no postage 
wdll be required within the county, either on speci- 
men copies or those sent to regular subscribers. But, 
I feel bound to say, at the very outset, gentlemen, 
that my part in all that is necessary to be done will 



HONEST PROFESSION NOT PHA.RISEEISM. 261 



have to be mainly of an advisory character ; for I am 
already engaged in duties that I see no immediate 
escape from, wliich consume all my time and all my 
strength. 

I think it should be understood, and so explicitly 
stated from the start, that this political movement 
has no connection whatever with-, nor relation to, the 
religious movement with which my name is identi- 
fied ; so that, no matter how much any person may 
be prejudiced against me, or the Church of Practical 
Religion, he may still become a member of the new 
political party, without indorsing me, or compro- 
mising any religious sentiment he may entertain. 

I suppose we shall in this movement (as some of 
us have been already) be charged with Phariseeism 
— claiming to be better than other men, and thanking 
God for it — but no really sensible person will be in- 
fluenced by such clap-trap as that. If a man tries 
and professes to be as good as it is possible for a 
man to be, he ought not to be afraid or ashamed to 
hang his banner on the outer wall — not boastfully, 
of course, but to let his light shine and thereby do 
good to others. Professors of almost every variety 
(except of mere goodness) wear, at times, appropri- 
ate badges of their professions, and I want some one 
to tell me why professors of decency, honesty, moral- 
ity, and religion should be debarred that privilege. 
There is an absurd prejudice extant against a man's 
professing to be pure, honest, or religious. One day 
I was conversing with the Hon. Mr. Goosepimple, 
and I took occasion, as is my wont, to speak of Bad- 
sinner as an unclean beast, and Mr. Goosepimple 
turned on me, with some show of feeling, and said 



262 



TEY-SQUARE. 



that he was sick and disgusted with so much cant 
and prating about honesty, decency, and goodness. 
I was struck dumb, for once in my life ; for I had al- 
ways before supposed him to be a perfectly pure and 
upright man ; but, after that, I was forced to believe 
either that he repeated the expression, like a parrot, 
from the sayings of others, or that he had, at some 
period of his life, winked at, or truckled to, matters 
that were not straight, and felt a sort of fellow feel- 
ing for the weak ones. I have felt a deep sorrow and 
pity for Mr. Goosepimple ever since ; and I have also 
felt that he would bear watching. 

One word more, and I have done. I foresee that, 
if our party should ever get strong enough to hope 
to elect its candidates, there will still be the same 
temptation for interested persons to resort to corrup- 
tion that now exists ; we must therefore make it one 
of our cardinal principles that, whenever one of our 
candidates, or his friends, seeks advancement by cor- 
rupt means, it shall be the duty of the whole party 
to forsake him and cast its vote for a new, or other 
acceptable, candidate. 

Eep. a brief "platform," drawn up by Mr. Gibson, 
was adopted, which embodied the substance of what 
I have above recited as the design of the new party, 
and need not be quoted in extenso. The name adopted 
was '"The Anti-corruption Party." Mr. Nash volun- 
teered to canvass the county for signatures to the 
platform and for subscribers to the proposed " or- 
gan." He said he could do this while on his regular 
rounds buying live-stock and produce. He also pro- 
posed to hold public meetings in different neighbor- 
hoods, and thus endeavor to form local organizations 



"THE CANDLE." 



263 



to assist in the work. When the question was asked, 
Who would edit the newspaper ? all eyes were in- 
stantly turned toward Mr. Gibson. He, however, 
feared that, having been so recently defeated for a 
political office, he would be stigmatized as a " sore^ 
head,'' and thus his usefulness might be impaired ; 
but, being assured by all present that such nonsense 
could do no harm, he consented ; and soon after, the 
meeting, having finished its business, adjourned. 

After the meeting, while I was walking homeward 
with Uncle Job, we fell in with Mr. Puppet, who 
asked Uncle Job, with a polite sneer, what he hoped 
to accomplish with his new political party. 

Sawyer {coldly and stiffly), I have many hopes that 
may never bear fruit, or even blossom ; but one thing 
I am sure of — and that is that the new party will af- 
ford me an opportunity to vote for candidates that I 
am not ashamed of. 

Kep. I must not close this chapter without quoting 
a little from the first issue of the new organ," which 
appeared in just one week from the formation of the 
new party. The little paper (two pages, ten by 
twelve inches) was called The Candle, and it had for 
mottos, under the heading, on the left, ''Purity in 
Elections," and on the right, " Clean Men for Office." 
The first article was entitled '' Salutatory," from 
which I make the following extracts : 

The candle is a modest light, but it is an honest, old-fashioned 
one, and, for that reason, is still highly prized by honest, old- 
fashioned people. In these modern days candles are little used 
except for making searches in garrets and cellars and dark corners 
where other lights seldom or never shine ; and this, in a measure, 
will be the office of The Candle in this county, 



264 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



**Some critic may say that, to institute this little paper in a 
county where there are several larger ones already, is like lighting 
:i * tallow dip * in a room where several gaslights are already 
ijurning. To such critic we answer, * Yea, verily.' What, then, 
is the excuse ? It is this : The several newspapers already in op- 
eration, though, like gaslights, they are brilliant, yet, unfortu- 
nately, like gaslights, they are stationary. They illuminate one 
side of every object splendidly; but the other side is left in total 
darkness — rendered doubly dark by the light on the opposite side 
— and these dark places have become the permanent hiding-places 
of persons who * love darkness rather than light, because their 
deeds are evil.* The light of The Candle shall be made to shine 
into some of these dark dens of wickedness, so that honest people 
may see what is going on therein. There are reputations in this 
county which, in all the light that the aforesaid several newspapers 
have hitherto shed upon them, seem fair to look upon. The Candle^ 
when held close to these (as it assuredly will be), wull show some 
of them to be ^filled with dead men^s hones and all uncleanness.'* 

The Candle will be, for the present, the * organ* of the * Anti- 
corruption' political party, recently born in this village, further 
mention whereof will be found elsewhere in this issue ; but, while 
it labors with all its power to wipe out political corruption, it will 
not be oblivious to the other living issues of the day — and especially 
will it advocate the legal suppression of the traffic in intoxicating 
liquors. 

The Candle will be earnestly and thoroughly religious ia tone, 
but without sectarian bias. 

For the present. The Candle will only be lighted once a fort- 
night, and upon the support which decent people extend to it must 
depend the question whether it shall be lighted more frequently, 
and increase in size and brilliancy, or be finally 'snuffed out* al- 
together.** 

Eep. It would be interesting to add further quo- 
tations from The Candle, and to follow its progress, 
and also the prospects of the new political party ; 
but those matters are foreign to my general pur- 
pose, and are only thrown in incidentally as side 
liglits to the great religious moyement of which 



BRIGHT PROSPECTS. 



265 



Uncle Job Sawyer is tlie head. But I will say 
simply that the third number of The Candle was a 
four-page sheet, and commenced thence to be a 
weekly, and at this writing Uncle Job is making ar- 
rangements to redeem his promise to furnish its 
publishers with a larger press. The prospects of 
the new party seem very bright indeed, and some of 
its more sanguine members are already predicting 
that it will sweep the county at the very first oppor- 
tunity to show its strength. 



CHAPTEE XX 



LAW KEFORM — COURTS AND TRIBUNALS — LEGAL UNCER- 
TAINTIES AND PERPLEXITIES. 

Eep. From time to time, in prelude or in sermon, 
Uncle Job has descanted upon various topics of 
more or less interest (often of mere local conse- 
quence) under the general head of what he calls 
'*Law Reform." I propose now to gather together, 
and condense into this chapter, the more important 
portions of his remarks upon that subject. 

Sawyer. Our laws, through centuries of legislative 
tinkering and judicial twisting, have become a maze 
of nonsense, intricacies, and contradictions, as well 
as a most expensive and uncertain system of juris- 
prudence. Every effort to reduce the law to a cer- 
tainty only serves to render it more uncertain. The 
lawyers get more blame for this than is their just 
due, though, no doubt, they are responsible for 
much of it. Our judges are laboring like Titans, 
night and day, to decide disputes between man and 
man in accordance with previous decisions of similar 
cases ; but industrious lawyers can almost always 
confound the judges by producing a nearly equal 
number of respectable precedents on either side of 

any given case. The fact is that the number of pre- 
set 



DECISIONS GUESSED AT. 



267 



cedents has become so perfectly enormous that they 
serve more to bewilder the struggling judge than to 
enlighten him, and this is constantly growing worse. 
It is no exaggeration to say that more law-books 
have been printed in the English language within 
the last twenty years than had been produced in 
twenty centuries preceding. In this one little State 
of New York more books of legal precepts and pre- 
cedents have been manufactured since the beginning 
of the late civil war than had been brought forth be- 
tween that time and the Declaration of Independ- 
ence, and still the flood-tide keeps swelling. I was 
recently talking with one of our judges of the 
Supreme Court who was, at the time, laboring with 
General Term causes, and he spoke about guessing at 
his decisions. Of course, he was joking, but the 
joke would have lacked point if the decision of im- 
portant cases was not often so very puzzling to the 
judges as to make them feel as though they were 
simply guessing at the right of the matter. While 
the uncertainties and perplexities of the law are in- 
creasing from year to year, litigation has also in- 
creased to such an extent that the judges are crying 
out for some sort of relief — something to assist them 
in clearing their overburdened dockets ; and, strange 
as it may seem, the scheme that seems to meet with 
most favor is to create one or more intermediate 
courts of appeal. Now, more appellate courts can- 
not, in the nature of things, make justice any more 
certain than it is now, if, indeed, any appellate court 
whatever increases the certainty of doing justice ; 
for it is a well-known fact that the judges of our 
most exalted tribunals often possess less ability and 



268 



TRY-SQUARE. 



learning than many of the judges of inferior courts. 
Hence, when a decision is reversed on appeal, the 
last decision is just as likely to be wrong as the first. 
I knew of one case involving many thousands of dol- 
lars which was passed upon, first and last, by eleven 
very eminent judges, five of whom decided one way, 
and six directly the reverse ; and, still more strange 
to say, the five carried the day against the six. If 
the idea is to tire out litigants by prolonged delays 
and intolerable expenses, then the more intermediate 
appellate courts we have the better will that end be 
accomplished. But the honest people don't want 
delay, nor expense in settling their disputes. Delay 
and expense are the weapons of rogues. I believe I 
speak only the truth when I say that every honest 
man who has a dispute, wants that dispute fairly, 
finally, and inexpensively decided just as quickly as 
possible. We don't need more appellate courts, but 
fewer of them; and if all of our vast and complicated 
web of the law could be wiped out, and all disputes 
decided by the simple rule of the try-squarehj a single 
judge, without any appeal, more justice would be 
done to the square inch than is done under the pres- 
ent system to the square mile. If I had the power, 
I would knock all of these old-fogyisms sky-high, 
and though I might be cursed by my own genera- 
tion, I have a strong faith that future generations 
would rise up and call me blessed. 

But the uncertainties and perplexities of our laws, 
and the delay and expense attending their adminis- 
tration, are not the only bad features in our system 
of government. Laws were instituted for the pro- 
teption of good people against the violence and dis- 



THE JURY LOTTERY. 



2C9 



honesty of bad men ; but through the processes of 
time, and the inattention of the good people, the bad 
men have gained control, to a very large extent, of 
the law-making power, and also to some extent of 
the machinery of administration. Our judges, in the 
main, are honest men who are doing the best they 
can under the circumstances, but they are often, if 
not always, handicapped and prevented from doing 
justice by the laws framed by the very rogues who 
need to feel the "halter draw." Take our criminal 
law, for example. How often have we seen the most 
atrocious criminals slip through the meshes of the 
law so adroitly and so easily as to leave upon our 
minds the painful conviction that the holes had 
been left on purpose for their escape ! It is a 
deplorable fact that our criminal law has been 
systematically built up with the idea constantly in 
view of giving guilty persons every possible chance 
of escape. This was the result of a reaction against 
the great severity (and great certainty, too,) of crimi- 
nal punishment in the early days of our common 
law ; but the pendulum has now swung clear to the 
opposite extreme, and there is much need of a 
reformation. One of the great breastworks behind 
which criminals take refuge is that provision of the 
law that no man can be convicted except by the ver- 
dict of a jurj^ That in itself is a sort of lottery that 
gives the guiltiest person at least eleven chances of 
escape to one for convictien. But that is not all. 
No matter how grossly the jury may err, through 
ignorance, prejudice, or corruption, if the guilty 
party is once acquitted, the people have no redress 
by appeal, or otherwise ; for then another provision 



27Q 



TEY-SQUABE. 



of our absurd laws, steps in, and says that no man 
shall be twice put in jeopardy for the same offense. 
!Not so, however, if, perchance, the culprit be con- 
victed by the jury. He is allowed to appeal from 
one court to another until, as by a staircase built on 
purpose for his use, he has climbed to the very 
highest tribunal in the land, and too lamentably 
often he succeeds in getting a new trial, that is, the 
privilege of going through the lottery process again 
before a brand-new jnij. By this time the people 
have become so worn out with the endless struggle 
wdth technicalities and perplexing uncertainties, or 
have lost their interest in the prosecution to such an 
extent, that the rogue's chances of escape are largely 
increased. Or perhaps important witnesses have 
died, or moved beyond the borders of the state — 
either of which events will be favorable to the 
prisoner ; for it is a well-settled principle of our 
criminal law that the offender on trial shall have an 
opportunity to confront the opposing witnesses in 
open court. Hence, if an essential witness for the 
prosecution gets over the state line, no power short 
of actual bribery can secure to the people the bene- 
fit of his testimony- ; but, on the other hand, the ac- 
cused person can send legal authority to Europe, 
Africa, or "far Cathay" for the testimony of wit- 
nesses in his own behalf, and the law has carefully 
laid down rules under which the testimony may be 
written down in the foreign land, and read on the 
trial with the same effect as though the witness 
were j)ersonally present. 

Again, our law is careful to give every culprit on 
trial the benefit of every doubt, either on questions 



IKRESPONSIBLE FELLOWS. 



271 



of law or in matters of fact. To be sure, the law 
says that the doubt must be a reasonable one; but 
this qualification has no force with an ordinary yxry. 
Experience shows that the more unreasonable the 
doubt is, in the judgment of sound-minded men, the 
more likely the jury will be to acquit the criminal 
on account of it. The great difficulty of convicting 
anybody of a crime is so well recognized by prose- 
cuting officers that they generally make no effort to 
convict, except in the clearest and most notorious 
cases. This remark does not exactly apply perhaps 
to a set of miserable wretches who have no means 
for defense. This class is frequently very unjustly 
worried and persecuted by the officers of the law. 

The good people of our country are also most 
foully wronged by many methods which seem to be 
entirely beyond the reach of the criminal law, or any 
other law. In fact, the very arms of the law are 
used by cunning rogues, like cat's-paws, to draw 
chestnuts from the fire. Look at our village board 
of trustees, for example — a set of irresponsible fel- 
lows (the majority of them) who neither pay taxes 
nor care for those who do. They sit there in the 
comfortable rooms they have built with money 
wrung from us, and vote away our property right 
and left to their friends and accomplices. I admit 
that our village is not so bad at present as it used to 
be, nor was it ever so bad as some that I have heard 
of ; but tell me what redress we have when the 
trustees pay a man one hundred dollars to whom 
only twenty-five dollars is due, or two hundred and 
fifty dollars to one to whom nothing is due ! 

Look again at our town auditing boards. Their 



272 



TBY-SQUAFiE. 



action is often but little else than a mode of legalizing 
the peculations of the town officers and their confed- 
erates outside. Within my personal knowledge, 
town boards in this vicinity make a regular practice 
of allowing double the legal fees for services performed 
by certain town officers. Then, these boards audit 
the bills of their individual members without any 
examination or inquiry, and the only protection the 
town has from fraud is the consciences (such as they 
are) of the fellows who render the bills. Then, our 
boards of supervisors are worse than the smaller 
boards. In our county, thousands and thousands of 
dollars are unlawfully paid out of the people's pock- 
ets. I am not now meaning to charge actual bribery 
of, or stealing by, the supervisors— though I have no 
doubt those evils exist to a greater or less extent, in 
some counties, if not in ours — but, out of the hun- 
dreds of claims annually presented, nearly every one 
contains more or less of unlawful or exorbitant 
charges, and the supervisors are all so ambitious to 
go to the legislature, some time or other, that they 
prefer to allow whatever is claimed rather than make 
an enemy by strict adherence to the law. Why, 
there is old Dr. Bilger, who had a large doctor-bill 
against a poor neighbor who finally died unable to 
pay the debt. The man was never a pauper, and the 
doctor's claim was no more a county charge then any 
other debt the poor man owed. Nevertheless, the 
doctor made out a bill of nearly five hundred dollars 
against the county for doctoring in the dead man's 
family for upward of ten years. I was present when 
the matter was discussed in the board, and I was 
pleased to observe that every one treated it as too 



UNLAWFUL CHAEGES. 



273 



absurd and ridiculous to require serious considera- 
tion; but later I was shocked, in reading the list of 
audits, to find that the doctor's bill had been allowed 
as claimed. At the first opportunity, I asked one of 
the supervisors what in the world they allowed that 
claim for. He leered, and answered in these mem- 
orable words : Oh, to tell the truth, the doctor 
has had political aspirations for some years that 
have never been gratified, and he has now become 
impressed with the idea that the county ought to do 
something for him ; and so we thought we would al- 
low his claim, and so prevent him from getting per- 
manently soured." I asked, "What interest have 
the taxpayers in keeping him sweet?" *^0h, well," 
said the supervisor, with another leer, ^' the doctor 
has a political influence that cannot be entirely ig- 
nored." I determined to see if there was not some 
legal redress for this outrage, and so went before 
the grand jury and made complaint; but I was 
simply laughed at by the grand jury, and the district 
attorney to boot ; and ever since then, whenever I 
meet one of the guilty supervisors, or Dr. Bilger, I 
notice that they all have a struggle to suppress their 
mirth until I am out of sight. 

Then the amounts the supervisors annually allow 
to printers is perfectly damnable. If a county of- 
ficer publishes a notice or advertisement in one 
paper, every other paper in the county prints it also 
. and charges it to the county at exorbitant rates. 
They all publish, without any pretence of authority, 
notices of sittings of courts, lists of jurors drawn to 
attend courts, election notices, proceedings of courts 
and of the board of supervisors, etc., etc., etc., too 



274 



TRY-SQUARE. 



numerous to recount, and claim pay for it from the 
county ; and the worst part of the matter is that no- 
body ever heard of a printer's bill being rejected, or 
even cut down below the amount claimed. Of course, 
there are certain matters that have to be printed at 
public expense, but in such cases the printers charge 
the county from two to five times what a private per- 
son would have to pay for the same work. For in- 
stance, I have known five dollars a page to be charged 
and allowed for printing a court calendar. Now, I 
will agree to do that job for one dollar a page, and I 
can hire the work done on terms that will give me a 
nice profit. You see, the ambitious supervisors are 
afraid to make a printer mad for fear of being lashed 
at some inconvenient time by an editorial black- 
guard. There are, no doubt, frequently cases where 
some of the supervisors derive pecuniary profit from 
the allowance of unlawful claims; but I am not now 
dealing with that class of cases. The grand trouble 
is that the men we elect supervisors are cowards, and 
these things will grow worse, instead of better, until 
we send brave men there, who will faithfully work 
for lis instead of for their own ambition. 

Then there is the State legislature, made up largely 
of the most knavish supervisors in the several coun- 
ties of the State. Do you expect them to do any 
better at Albany than they have done at their local 
county seats ? Hundreds of thousands of dollars are 
annually taken out of our pockets by the legislature 
for the enrichment of thieves. This is so well un- 
derstood that I need not enlarge upon it. Members 
of the legislature have told me a^gain and again that 
the easiest kind of bill to get enacted into a law is 



THE STATE LEGISLATUEE. 



275 



one intended to draw money from the tre&sury. You 
remember, a few years ago, while Mr. Puppet was in 
the assembly, that Mr.Newcomb's team, worth about 
two hundred and fifty dollars, ran away, jumped into 
the canal, and were drowned. Everybody knows 
that the State was no more to blame than I was ; but 
Mr. Newcomb, being something of a local politician, 
went to Mr. Puppet and asked him if he couldn't get 
a bill passed to repair the loss. The statesman 
swelled up like a toad and said, with an air of as- 
sumed importance: ^^I cannot answer positively, 
but the subject is fraught with great possibilities." 
You don't need to be told that the experiment was 
tried, and that the State paid $1,000 for the team. 
It was said at the time that the extra $750 was to 
soothe Mr. Newcomb's wounded feelings, but others 
have hinted that Mr. Puppet got it for his valuable 
services. But that matter is a mere bagatelle com- 
pared with what is done every day when the legis- 
lature is in session, and, at "Washington, I am told 
that things are even worse yet, but we have enough 
to engage our attention nearer home. I will say, 
however, before quitting the subject of legislative 
corruption, that I have heard professed Christians 
say that they couldn't blame a legislator for selling 
his vote, if he did it in a case that would not injure 
his constituents. That is to say, it is wrong for any- 
body to steal from this county, but it is not wrong 
for our members of assembly to steal from our 
r.eighboring counties. Of course, if this doctrine 
were established as a sound principle, it would give 
license to all other counties to fall to and plunder 



276 



TRY-SQUARE. 



US. But tli^ doctrine is not sound, and the man who 
preaches it is either a villain or a fool. 

One of the most intolerable and unnecessary 
burdens borne by the taxpaj^ers is beyond the 
power of our local authorities to remedy. I mean 
the publication of the laws passed by each session 
of the legislature. Under the present law every 
county is compelled to pay for publishing the " ses- 
sion laws," as they are called, in two newspapers 
j)rinted in the county. This is done at an immense 
cost to the people, though the expense to the persons 
receiving the money is merely trifling. I have 
known $5,000 to be paid in this county for publish- 
ing the laws of a single session — being published in 
four papers instead of two. If the expense is the 
same in every county (as I suppose it is, sub- 
stantially), then it cost the people of the State 
three hundred thousand dollars that year to 
give a merely transitory notice of what the law- 
makers had done. I consider this money entirely 
wasted ; for very few people ever read these publi- 
cations, and they are forgotten in a week by those 
who do read them. Tou must remember that at 
about the same time that the laws are published in 
the newspapers the State also publishes them in 
bound volumes, and deposits a copy in every town 
clerk's office, county clerk's office, surrogate's office, 
and district attorney's office in the State. I contend 
that these volumes are sufficient for all practical 
purposes. But if more are wanted, deposit one with 
every justice of the peace, or, better still, put one in 
every district school-library. The additional expense 
of these extra copies would be very slight compared 



PUBLICATION OF LEGISLATIVE PEOCSEDINGS. 277 

with what we now pa}^, and we would then have 
something substantial to show for our money, where- 
as we now have absolutely nothing. But one of the 
worst features of the present system is, that tho 
newspapers do not print the laws at all, but buy them 
at wholesale — at less than one-tenth of what they 
cost us — and inclose them as extras or supplements. 
They are not inclosed in every issue of the paper 
either, as I have found out by trying to get a com- 
plete edition of the laws by keeping my supple- 
ments. Once the first supplement I received was 
No. 2, and No. 1 never came ; and every time I have 
tried the experiment something has been out of 
joint. If it is deemed best to make a broadcast 
publication of the laws, then let the State print these 
sheets*, and send a bundle of them to every town 
clerk's office for distribution among the people. Tho 
present system is an outrage upon the taxpayers, 
against which they ought to rebel ; but they have no 
mouth-piece, as no newspaper can be induced to 
speak a word on the subject. I have, years ago, 
written articles on this subject and tried to get them 
published in our county newspapers, but the editors 
have treated me very much as the grand jury did 
when I complained against the fraudulent doctor's 
bill. Printers constitute a guild or fraternity that does 
not believe in kicking against its own interests in 
financial matters. Let them be fighting ever so hotly 
among themselves about other matters, the moment 
it is suggested to close any hole through which any 
of them are drawing money from the treasury, the 
fighting ceases, and instantly they become like 
lovers — 



278 TRY-SQUAEE. 

**Two souls with but a single thouglit; 
Two hearts that beat as one." 

There is another very serious evil from which the 
whole world has been suffering for ages, and which 
needs the application of a radical remedy at the 
earliest possible moment. I refer to the matter of 
usury y or, as it is called latterh', interest for the use of 
money. This evil was early recognized by thinking 
men-, and for ages the charging or receiving any rate 
of interest whatever was called usury, and was pro- 
hibited by law. But by degrees the governments 
came more or less under the control of covetous and 
avaricious men, who legalized certain rates of in- 
terest and prohibited higher rates. In a new country, 
where every thing is developing and values rapidly 
increasing, all business transactions partake so much 
of the nature of gambling that sometimes a borrower 
can pay a high rate of interest and still be benefited 
by the operation. Isot so, however, after the country 
becomes thoroughly settled. I maintain that there 
is no legitimate business that can be successfully 
carried .on to-day, in the State of New York, on 
borrowed capital at six per cent, interest. The man 
who undertakes it will be a slave while his head re- 
mains above water, and nothing short of an acci- 
dental concurrence of fortunate circumstances will 
save him from going under in the end. I have seen 
the statement (though I have no means at hand of 
verifying it) that ninety-five per cent, of all business 
men sooner or later make financial failure. There 
can be no doubt that one of tlie direct causes of this 
is usury. As I employ the word, it doesn't necessarily 
mean an unlawful rate of interest, but any rate. It 



USURY.' 279 

has been the subject of great wonderment and much 
stnd}^, among statesmen and philosophers, that what 
we call " financial crises " settle down upon ns at in- 
tervals of nearly as great regularity as the periods 
of the comets. There is a cause for this just as 
surely as there is a cause for the tides of the ocean. 
I have long believed that usury was the principal 
cause of these financial tides, and there are as many 
reasons to support this theory as there are in sup- 
port of the tidal hypothesis. I shall not undertake 
to argue the matter now, further than to assert that 
if we take the average rate of interest paid for the 
use of all the capital employed in the affected 
district, and calculate from that the time when the 
compound interest at the average rate will equal 
the principal (or one hundred per cent.), we shall 
approximate very closely to the periods of the 
financial waves. To be sure, the average rate can 
never be got at exactly, and, if it could be, there will 
always be other influences (like profits and losses 
and so forth) to hasten or retard the actual periods 
and make them vary from the computation, just as 
the sun is said to interfere with the moon's influence 
on the oceanic tides. When the financial period is 
complete — that is, when the borrower has paid, in 
interest, the full amount that he borrowed, and still 
owes the principal, then follows a period of liquida- 
tion, as we sometimes term it, wherein the usurer 
gathers in his harvest, and the payer of usury goes 
into bankruptcy. Every one of these crises leaves 
the rich richer and the poor poorer, and helps to 
concentrate the property of the country in the hands 
of the few. The government ought to correct this 



280 



Tr.Y-SQUAr.E. 



great evil by making money as free as air. I don't 
mean that a man shall be entitled to mon^y without' 
earning it, but that he shall be at liberty to borrow ' 
(from the government if need be) what money his 
necessity requires, by securing its repaj^ment at the 
stipulated time with only a fair compensation to the 
lender (if a private individual) for his trouble in 
the transaction. The government has undertaken 
to supply the people with a medium of exchange — a 
currency without which it is impossible to do busi- 
ness — and it ought to be as impossible for the Shy- 
locks to fence in and dole out at usury any portion 
of that currency, as it is to do so with God's cur- 
rency that we breathe. 

There are not a few absurdities in the practice of 
the law that need to be abolished, but as they gen- 
erally benefit the lawyers, I suppose it will be hard 
work to get rid of them. Mr. Gibson was recently 
telling me of one that occurred in his practice. A 
man had died, leaving a will, which was so uncertain 
in some of its provisions that a suit in equity was 
deemed necessary in order to obtain a judicial con- 
struction of it — that is, the heirs asked the court to 
tell them what was the meanincc of the wilL One of 
the persons most interested in having this done was 
a baby only three months old, living with its parents 
in another State. Now, here is where the absurdity 
comes in : The only way, under our law, that the 
court could get jurisdiction to determine that baby's 
rights under the will was to publish the summons 
six weeks in two newspapers in this State, and to 
send a copy of the summons and complaint to the 
baby by mail. The child's parents would have been 



BED -TAPE. 



281 



glad to have saved tlie time and expense of this pre- 
posterous proceeding, but nothing they could do, ex- 
cept to bring the babe into this State, could help 
the matter. If the child had been in this State, 
a simple delivery of the summons to it and to one of 
its parents would have done the business, although 
the little creature would have known no more about 
one proceeding than the other. There is a still fur- 
ther absurdity in the fact that if the child had been 
fourteen years old, delivery to it outside the State 
and sending by mail would have sufficed, without 
printing in two newspapers. What good the pub- 
lication can do to a sucking baby is what no mortal 
can explain. It is the duty of the legislature to do 
away with such nonsense. "Why doesn't it do its 
duty ? 

Another expensive bit of nonsense gave me some 
annoyance a few weeks ago. I held a second mort- 
gage on a piece of real estate. The first mortgage 
was foreclosed, and the property being sold, afforded 
a surplus nearly large enough to satisfy my mort- 
gage after paying the prior claim in full, with all 
costs. Everybody conceded that the whole of this 
surplus belonged to me. But how was I to get it? 
It had been paid to the county treasurer by a rule of 
practice as inflexible as the laws of the Medes and 
Persians. I had to employ a lawyer, and he got up 
affidavits and made application to the court, on 
notice to all persons having liens on the property, 
and the court appointed a referee to take proof and 
make report ; and after the referee had reported, my 
attorney made another application to the court, on 
another notice ; and at last, after paying lawyer'^ 



282 



TEY-SQUAKE. 



fees, referee's fees, clerk's fees, and county treas- 
urer's fees, I got what was left. As this kind of 
practice makes business for the lawyers, I suppose 
nothing short of a revolution will change it for the 
better. How easy it would have been for the court, 
in the foreclosure suit, to haye disposed of every 
question, and to have directed the surplus, if any, to 
be paid to me in the first instance, instead of to the 
treasurer ! All "persons interested in a foreclosure 
suit have to be made defendants, and it should be 
the duty of the court to settle all their rights in one 
proceeding, and to order the moneys to be paid by 
the officer making the sale to the persons entitled, 
in their order of priority, so far as the moneys 
will go. 

Another matter I may as well mention while on 
this subject, and that is the judicial administration 
of the United States law. For instance, a few years 
ago I bought an improved rubber bucket for my 
chain pump, the expense being but a trifle ; but 
within a year afterward a stranger came along and 
said he had a patent on the improvement, and 
demanded ten dollars from me as a " royalty," which 
I refused to pay. The next thing I heard, the 
United States marshal served me with papers in 
a suit in the United States Circuit Court. I put 
in a defense, and had to take witnesses two hundred 
iniles to attend court. After a good deal of fooling 
the plaintiff withdrew his suit ; but it cost me about 
two hundred dollars, nevertheless. Some of my 
neighbors paid the ten dollars rather than resist a 
claim which all believed to be invalid or exorbitant. 
Thousands of men are fattening on this kind of 



PRIVATE CORPOHATIONS. 



283 



legalized plunder. I maintain that the United States 
laws should be administered by the State courts ; or, 
at all events, that a defendant should not be required 
to go beyond the bounds of the county of his resi- 
dence to defend himself either in a civil or criminal 
action. 

The greatest objection to a national bankrupt law 
is the great expense* and annoyance to all parties 
attending its administration. Let it be administered 
by the State courts, and this objection will be ob- 
viated. Our constitutions may have to be amended 
to effect these reforms, but that is no argument 
against the necessity of the change ; for constitu- 
tions are quite easily amended when the people 
seriously demand it. 

Not long ago I was mentioning some instances 
wherein the people were robbed without legal rem- 
edy ; but I omitted to mention the matter of private 
corporations. When a private corporation is fairly 
managed in the interest of the stockholders it is fre- 
quently a useful means of doing good ; but if it fall 
into the hands of rascals, it may become a public 
enemy, and the stockholders are sure to suffer. In 
the beginning of the period of railroad building I 
knew two young men, living in a rural town, who 
were struggling with povert}". One was a doctor 
and the other was a lawyer. At length it was pro- 
posed to run a line of railroad through their village, 
and these two young men, having nothing else to do, 
procured employment from the railroad officials to 
solicit subscriptions to the stock of the company, 
and to obtain concessions or purchases of the right 
of way in the neighborhood of their home. This 



284 



TPlY-SQUAPvE. 



was their beginning, and it soon became eyident that 
their new occupation was more remunerative than 
law or medicine had been. They climbed up from 
l^osition to position until they became directors of 
the railroad company, and they both died million- 
aires. Not only so, but every man who ever had a 
hand in the management of that company became a 
millionaire, while the men whose money built and 
equipped the road lost every dollar of their invest- 
ment. I don't charge that these men enriched them- 
selves by violating any law of the State ; but if they 
did not, so much the worse for the law. They cer- 
tainly violated the rule of the try-square, and the 
law of the land ought not to have permitted it. 

This is only one out of hundreds of similar in- 
stances that might be mentioned. Many of these 
private corporations are completely honeycombed 
with the dens of thieves of high and low degree, 
and honest men are furnishing the material on 
which they fatten. 

Frequently, when a corporation is organized, the 
gang who manage it lay their plans deliberately 
from the beginning to rope in as many silly people 
who have money as they can, and then, having 
sucked them dry, to freeze them out by foreclosure 
or some other equally effective process. This has 
been done so many times that the story is an old 
one. Sometimes towns have been bonded in large 
amounts in aid of a proposed railroad, and the 
rascals have sold the bonds, divided the money, 
and refused to build the road. Tou know towns in 
this vicinity that will be taxed on just such bonds 
for twenty years yet to come ; but nobody ever gets 



THE IMPENDING REYOLUTION. 



285 



puDislied for such skulduggery, excepting the honest 
and innocent victims thereof. 

But I need not enumerate further. Go where you 
will, and draw aside the beautiful screen (made of 
money stolen from the pockets of honest people), 
and you will invariably find something wrong, some- 
thing crooked, something corrupt — yea, you will not 
need to go to the State of Denmark to find some- 
thing altogether rotten. I dislike to dwell on the 
disgusting subject. It makes me gnash my teeth ; 
and pious oaths bubble up from my heart to my 
tongue. Will it ever be better ? Oh, yes, it will some 
time be better, just as sure as fate. God's logic will 
straighten things out in the fullness of time. There 
is no doubt of that ; but I fear, if we wait for God 
to do it, that it will be done with a strong hand and 
multitude of people — that is, by riot, by bloodshed, 
by anarchy, by chaos. Some time ago, as I was 
passing a little brook on my premises, I discovered 
a large number of minute ants struggling with the 
water and with one another in a little eddy of the 
stream. The water where they were was whirling 
round and round in a circle, and the little insects 
were powerless to swim beyond the influence of the 
whirlpool. I soon observed a bit of cork, less than 
half an inch in diameter, floating and gyrating among 
the ants, and on closer inspection I saw a good many 
of the little fellows on top of the cork, and hundreds 
were fighting to get there. I sat down and watched 
them, and before long the portion of the cork that 
was above water was covered, and at length crowded 
with the insects; but still the fighting and clamber- 
ing went on until the ants had piled themselves up 



286 



TRY-SQUARE. 



like cordwood — when lo, a revolution! The cork 
turned top side down, scattering its load in all 
directions, and a new lot of ants was given a chance 
to repeat the performance ; and the performance 
was repeated over and oyer, until from sheer pity 
I helped the little sufferers to land. My friends, 
this manner of revolution is God's way of restoring 
a disturbed equilibrium. Look at that most potent 
influence in nature — the electric fluid! When its 
equilibrium is lost, it is restored again by a fiery 
bolt, which leaps forth without warning, carrying in 
its path ruin, destruction, devastation, death. Now, 
my brethren, if the wrong practices, the corruptions, 
the sins that I have mentioned, and hundreds of 
others not hinted at, are not in some manner checked, 
it don't need a prophet to foretell that the time will 
come when God will restore the lost equilibrium of 
right and justice and law, in the twinkling of an eye, 
by a revolution so dreadful, so widespread, so far- 
reaching in its consequences, as to overshadow any- 
thing ever known in France. As matters are now 
going on, we are piling up wrath against a day of 
wrath just as sure as death. Things are getting 
top-heavy already, and pretty soon they will begin 
to totter. I am only giving you God's logic. 

But while I prophesy these things, I am, never- 
theless, one of those who believe that, if timely warn- 
ing be heeded, the dire calamity may be averted, 
just as we are learning to neutralize the destructive 
bolts of heaven. But the remedy must be applied 
at once — instantly — and it must be radical and 
sweeping. The first thing to do is for every lover 
of righteousness in the land — male and female — to 



LET THE LIGHT SHINE. 



287 



cease to serve self, and to convert liimself into an 
earnest, determined, fighting soldier in the army of 
God. The corrupt tide must be met and turned 
back, and the imps of darkness must be hunted 
from their holes and punished. Every public office, 
and every place of trust, public or private, must be 
administered by a brave, determined, vigilant. God- 
fearing man or woman. Where the law is wrong it 
must be made right ; and the cobwebs of antiquity 
that have outlived their usefulness, like the jury 
system, both grand and petit, and all diseases of the 
body politic, must be swept away. The administra- 
tion of justice must be made sure, cheap, and sum- 
mary ; arid for that purpose the judges must not be 
blockheads, but learned, skilful, and honest, and all 
the devices by which rogues baffle justice must be 
stamped out. I believe that the cause of right and 
justice would be the gainer if all statutes and legal 
rules were abrogated, and the judges left free to decide 
each particular case according to the natural sense 
of right and justice inherent in the minds of men. 

Some of you may think it preposterous for the 
people in this little neighborhood to undertake so 
radical a reformation of the world. Perhaps we 
shall have but little influence, but it is nevertheless 
my duty to let my light shine to the best of my 
ability, and if those who hear my words and are con- 
vinced of their truth will do their duty as faithfully 
as I have tried to do mine we shall at least have the 
sweet reward that comes from satisfied consciences ; 
and^ when the catastrophe comes (if come it must) 
the guilty ones cannot say we caused it, " nor shake 
their gory locks at us." 



CHAPTER XXL 



CONCLUSION — THE LAND QUESTION — NEW SOCIAL CONDI- 
TIONS FOilESHADOWED. 

Kep. Uncle Job's reflections on "Law Eeform" 
led liim from point to point until he had gone far 
beyond the legitimate subject, though in the same 
general direction ; and the cream of his remarks in 
that strain must form the concluding chapter of this 
volume. 

Before opening that matter, however, I must take 
room to wedge in one little incident. Uncle Job 
found on his desk, one Sunday afternoon, this 
question : " "When religion and science are in conflict, 
which do you think ought to give way?" after reading 
it aloud — 

Sawyer. The answer is self-evident. Of course, 
that one should give way that is ascertained to be 
wrong. There is not, never was, and never can be, 
any conflict between genuine religion and true 
science. All the wrangling over supposed or 
alleged conflicts between these twin daughters of 
God has been caused by bigoted idiots, arrayed on 
one side or the other. 

You have often heard me remark that the times 
are out of joint, and that nearly every thing con- 
nected with human government is vicious. I have 

288 



THE HUMAN FAMILY. 



289 



given a great deal of thought to these subjects, and 
have formed some conclusions which seem logical to 
me, but which may seem so absurd to others as to 
lead them to exclaim, as Festus did to Paul, that 
much study has made me mad." To such, if such 
there be, I answer, as Paul did: am not mad, 
most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of truth 
and soberness." 

Let us look at some of these matters logically. 
Look about you and see the condition of society to- 
day. By society I don't mean that self-conceited 
little circle of silly people w^ith kid gloves and so 
forth, who think they constitute all there is of 
society, but I mean the whole human family. To 
begin at one end, we have a vast body of paupers — 
persons supported by the government. Next to them 
we have a much larger body of persons who really 
possess no more property than the paupers, but who 
manage, ''by hook and by crook," to barely exist, 
though they suffer every thing that human beings 
are capable of — far more than the paupers do. Then 
comes another very large class who own a little prop- 
erty — a very little — but who live in a sort of hand-to- 
mouth fashion during their whole lives on the fruits 
of such labor as they can find to do. Following these 
we have another large class of moderately well-to-do 
people, but who stand in mortal fear that every 
revolution of the earth on its axis will rob them of 
their possessions, and who usually live as meanly as 
any of the preceding classes. The next class com- 
prises the moderately wealthy, and last of all comes 
the enormously wealthy. 

Now^, it is said that this is a free country, and that 



290 



TRY-SQUAKE. 



all its people are equal before the law. These say- 
ings are false. This is not a free country, and all 
the people are not equal before the law. When the 
country was new and everybody who came here was 
poor, and land could be had by simply taking 
possession of it, and there was enough for all and to 
spare, those boastful sayings were not far from the 
truth, but any fool can see that there is no truth in 
them now. The fact is that those who have no 
property are the servants — the mere slaves — of 
those who have property. Tell me how the child 
born of poor parents to-day, though he be endowed 
with the genius of Columbus, is to acquire an equal 
footing with the children of the wealthy ! Where 
can he find a place or opportunity^ to do anything 
on his own account ? At best he must be a hired 
servant from the cradle to the grave, and if nobody 
will employ him he must become a beggar or a 
pauper. It is useless to point me to instances here 
and there of poor men who became wealthy in times 
past. I am talking of the present and the future. 
Those who are here now have seized (and they hold 
by the firm grip which the law gives them) every 
available foothold, and those who are ushered into 
existence hereafter can truly say with Christ : " The 
foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, 
but the son of [a poor] man hath not where to lay 
his head." This is not right, it is unjust; it does 
not tally with the try-square. 

Now, I fancy that by this time somebody is say- 
ing to himself: *^0h, yon are a communist, you're a 
nihilist ; you want to rob one man to give to 
another !" Well, my friends, I don't know much 



THE EAETH IS THE LORD's. 



291 



about commnnism or nihilism, except that they are 
decried as something utterly awful, but I am not go- 
ing to be frightened by hard words. If folloAving 
God's logic leads me into the camp of the com- 
munists, then there shall be my abiding-place, and I 
will accept and wear the name cheerfully. 

It was said of old, and truly said, that the earth 
is the Lord's and the fullness thereof." That is to 
say, being correctly interpreted, that the land, the 
water, the atmosphere, the mines of useful metals, 
minerals, oils and gases, the forests, and everything 
that groY/s or lives upon the land or in the water, 
belongs to mankind collectively, and that individuals 
have only the right to a temporary use thereof. Tell 
me on what principle of right or justice one man is 
permitted to absolutely own a whole vast coal mine 
while thousands of his fellow-men are suffering for 
coal, which they have no power to obtain. It is not 
a sufficient answer to say that he is entitled to it be- 
cause he discovered it, or bought it of the dis- 
coverer. If it w^as not his before discovery, how 
does the discovery make it his ? If a man finds my 
lost property, he is entitled to a reasonable reward, 
but he gets no title to my property. Why don't the 
same rule hold good when he finds something which 
belongs to all the people — to the government ? It is . 
entirely proper that he should have a suitable re- 
ward. In case of a big find I would grant him 
enough to satisfy his every reasonable desire during 
his life, and would erect a monument to his memory 
when he is dead; but to give him the power to 
tyrannize over his brethren is criminally wrong. 
What right had the men of the past to divide the 



292 



TEY-SQUAEE. 



whole earth among themselyes, and to surround 
their possessions with impregnable walls, so that 
the new-comers of to-day cannot touch their feet to 
the planet without becoming trespassers ? I answer 
that they had no more right to do that than I have 
to appropriate to my own exclusiye use all the 
atmosphere that surrounds the globe. 

A great many remedies have been suggested, in- 
tended to mitigate or neutralize the evils (or some 
of them) that I have tried to point out, and many 
others that I need not take time to enumerate. One 
says we must pass a law making it impossible for a 
person to receive more than a certain fixed amount 
(say $1,000,000) by gift or by inheritance. No 
doubt such a law would do good if it could be en- 
forced, but from our experience we have no right to 
believe that such a law would not be evaded and 
violated, so as to be practically a dead letter. But 
such a law would do no good in the rural districts 
unless the amount was very much reduced, because 
in those districts very few men ever obtain a million 
dollars, and yet we have rural nabobs quite as over- 
bearing and dangerous to society, in the neighbor- 
hoods where they reside, as their wealthier brethren 
of the cities. Another wants to forcibly rob the 
rich and give to the poor, so as to start the whole 
world on an even footing; but this, while being a 
heroic remedy, would afford only temporary relief, 
unless the whole existing system of doing business 
should be radically changed. Who does not know 
that if such a redistribution should be made 
the sharpers, the rogues, the thieves, and the 
Shylocks would skin alive the weak-minded, the 



THE SPECULATORS. 



293 



timid, the improvident, and the unfortunate of all 
grades and conditions, so that in twenty-five years 
things would be but little better than they are now ? 
Eedistributions of property have been made hun- 
dreds of times in the old world ; every violent revo- 
lution has made thousands of rich men poor and 
poor men rich, but still the evil of unequal wealth 
exists there even in greater degree than here. The 
fact is that all business, commerce, trade, traffic, or 
whatever name you please to call it by, partakes 
largely of the nature of mere gambling. The man 
who actually produces something useful, or performs 
some needful service, for a fair compensation is not 
a gambler, and if all men were confined to such acts 
enormous wealth would be impossible for any man. 
But every method of money-getting, by what we 
call business, that simply takes money from one 
man and gives it to another without a full equivalent, 
is either gambling or cheating. All transactions com- 
monly called speculations must come under one or the 
other of these heads— gambling or cheating. They 
add nothing to the world's wealth, and they cause 
countless millions to sniffer. It seems to be a fact 
that the actual producers of wealth are the least 
likely of all others to become wealthy. The specu- 
lators — i.e., the gamblers in wealth created by 
others — amass colossal fortunes, and then attempt 
to crush the very men who made their good luck 
possible. Apply your try-square where you will, 
and you will find these speculative transactions are 
always wrong in tendency and in final results. Most 
persons will admit this in the abstract, but they will 
also say that it can't be remedied ; that somebody 



294 



TEY-SQUARE. 



will siDeculate, and they may as well do it as to allow 
others to. But if it is wrong to do any particular 
thing, a good man cannot do that thing and remain 
a good man ; and if good men (or men claiming to be 
good) will not refrain from doing wrong, how shall 
bad men be restrained ? 

It is thought by some theorists that what is called 
legitimate business maybe regulated by competition, 
so as to be harmless to the community. This is a 
great mistake. I admit that the people derive 
temporary benefits from the rivalries of -the com- 
petitors, but in the end, if the competition be 
earnest or bitter, the weak ones are driven to the 
wall and the survivors immediately become monopo- 
lists. Sometimes, if the rivals have nearly equal 
strength, one will buy the others out, or all will 
combine their strength, and thus in either case a 
monopoly will be formed and the benefits of com- 
petition come to an end. The people get their 
greatest benefit out of competition at the very time 
when the competitors are struggling to estab- 
lish a monoply. Competition will, if lively, nearly 
always lead to something akin to monopoly, because 
there is not a sufficient profit to be realized from 
business so conducted to satisfy the rapacity of the 
average business man, and such men will not will- 
ingly do business a great while at a loss, unless they 
can see a chance for larger profits in the future by 
killing off or buying out their competitors. So it 
will be seen that the old saying, that " competition 
is the life of business," is not true. In the long 
run competition is the death of business. 

It is not just now in order to discuss those com- 



UNEQUAL DISTRIBUTION. 



295 



binations called Eings," by whicli scoundrels get 
control of legal machinery, and enrich themselves 
dishonestly under the forms of law. That subject 
comes under the head of larceny, and the thieves 
should be dealt with by the heavy hand of the crim- 
inal law ; and the law should be carefully framed so 
as to prevent them from escaping condign punish- 
ment for their crimes. Lynch law by mass meeting 
ought to be legalized for such cases when other 
remedies faiL 

The evils we now see growing out of the unequal 
distribution of property in the world (and I cannot 
enumerate those evils if I should try) would have 
been very much worse than they now are if it had 
not been for the discovery of America and Australia ; 
for those new worlds gave an outlet to the over- 
crowded old world — made a sort of safety-valve — 
and, in the rough-and-tumble incident to the settle- 
ment of the new countries, millions of turbulent 
spirits that would have made trouble at home, if 
confined there, found opportunities for satisfactory 
self-advancement, and thus the old world Avas saved 
temporarily from the deadly perils of what I believe 
to be a radically wrong social and financial system. 
We have inherited that wrong system, and now that 
we are becoming nearly as wealthy and nearly as 
closely packed together as our cousins beyond the 
sea, the same perils that have threatened and still 
threaten them are beginning to loom up in our front, 
and thus the grandest problems are presented for 
our consideration and solution that mankind was 
ever called upon to solve. And tve must solve them, 
too (or else God will solve them for us in his own 



296 - TRY-SQUARE. 

time and liigli-lianded way), for new worlds to act as 
safety-valves do not grow on every bush. 

I have turned these matters over and over in my 
mind, and examined them from every conceivable 
point of view, applying what I believed to be God's 
logic, and also the try-square, to every point and 
corner, and all my observation and study leads to the 
inevitable conclusion that all the evils society is 
now suffering from must increase, instead of dimin- 
ishing, unless our whole social and financial system 
is radically changed. Our social structure is so 
dependent upon and interwoven with our financial 
system that I do not undertake to separate them, 
but treat the two as one system of government. For 
at least five thousand years we have proof that legis- 
lation has failed to make men honest, or to mitigate 
man's greed for selfish gain, or to lessen man's 
inhumanity to man." Of course, I do not forget the 
millions given to charities, but nine-tenths of that is 
given, not as something due, but as a gratuity or 
sacrifice. With a few exceptions, all mankind, save 
the extremely poor, seem to be given over, body and 
mind, to a selfish struggle to acquire property — each 
ambitious to win more than his neighbor — and in 
this struggle the rogues and sharpers seem to have 
the advantage. Does any one believe that a con- 
tinuance in this course will ever bring us to what 
our Christian friends call the " millennium ? " No ; 
we are going directly away from the " millennium." 
Christ said, "Ye cannot serve God and mammon," 
and although that doctrine has been preached as 
God's truth (and it is God's truth) for nearly two 
thousand years, yet during all that time mankind 



THE BOOT OF ALL EVLL. 



297 



have been trying to do that very thing. They have 
failed thns far, and nothing but failure awaits their 
efforts in the future. 

The Apostle Paul said, " The love of money is the 
root of all evil," and Paul hit pretty close to the 
truth when he said that. "What evil can you think 
of that has not the love of money at the bottom of 
it — directly or indirectly ? I think just now of only 
one — or rather, one class of evils — namely, those 
evils growing out of the sexual relation other than 
prostitution. So far as prostitution is concerned, it 
could not live without money ; but the evils I spe- 
cially had in mind were those growing out of the 
rivalries and intrigues among lovers, which lead to 
quarrels and sometimes to murders. There may be 
other evils that money is not responsible for, but 
they do not occur to me at this moment. But the 
strongest criticism that can be made against Paul's 
saying is that it does not go to the bottom of the 
matter. He would have hit nearer the truth if he 
had said that money was the root of all evil ; because, 
while money exists, the love of it must also exist, 
unless man's nature shall be entirely changed. I 
would go still further, and say that the artificial 
rule, established and acknowledged by society, which 
permits the absolute and exclusive ownership of 
property by individuals, is the root of nearly all the 
evils which now curse the civilized world. Does 
this doctrine seem monstrous ? If so, it is because 
we and our ancestors for thousands of years have 
been mistakenly educated to the contrary. Why, 
just reflect on this proposition for a moment. The 
very idea of property, as we understand it, is con- 



298 



TEY-SQUARE. 



trary to natural law. Man is the only one of God's 
creatures that attempts to accumulate property be- 
yond actual or supposed need. The sea is full of 
fish, but the most powerful can only appropriate 
sufficient for his present wants ; and so it is with 
the whole animal kingdom, except man alone. I do 
not belieye that acquisitiveness was any more highly 
developed in the primitive man than we see it now 
among the lower animals ; but that faculty has grown 
abnormally in man by artificial cultivation, very 
much as some men artifically acquire aii appetite 
for tobacco or whisky ; and this comparison sug- 
gests a thought which seems to prove the artificiality 
of the acquisitive faculty. All our natural faculties, 
including what are called passions (as love, hate, 
etc.), seem to relax and weaken as we approach old 
age ; while, on the other hand, all our artificially 
acquired habits that have become second nature by 
long use grow stronger as age creeps on, unless 
constantly restrained. This is especially so with 
the use of narcotics and intoxicants ; and the rule 
holds good in the case of the acquisitive habit. Oh, 
how many noble souls have been transformed into 
grasping, miserable old misers by the long practice 
of selfish acquisition ! 

Now, my cure-all is simply to demonetize money and 
depropertize property.'^ Yes, my friends, I propose, 
in the language of the poet, to 

' * wipe the slate 
Clean for the ciph'rin' of some nobler fate." 



* The phrase, Demonetize money and depropertize property," 
was a great pet with Uncle Job about this time, and he was fond 
of repeating it with considerable stress of voice. — Rep. 



THE NEW OBDEE. 



299 



But I imagine everybody is saying all at once, 
"How shall tins be done?" In this country the 
process is an easy one, provided a majority of our 
people desire to do it. Our State and national con- 
stitutions can be readily amended by the voice of the 
people within a comparatively brief period, so that 
no man in the United States will individually own a 
cent's worth of anything. This ought to be done 
without violence, without the destruction of any 
valuable thing, and without that horror of horrors 
called Anarchy. If we should resolve on this course 
at once, and fix the date now January 1, 1900, for 
the new order of things to begin, everybody would 
make all of his calculations accordingly, so that the 
change would produce no great shock — just as fixing 
the date for specie resumption by Congress brought 
resumption easily and quietly before the day fixed. 

But, saj^s one, How will everything be managed 
under the new system ? I propose to trust to the 
brains and virtues of my fellow-men to solve that 
problem when necessity requires, rather than to 
make haste to borrow trouble about it. If Eobinson 
Crusoe could surmount the diJB&culties that con- 
fronted him on his island, I am sure there need be 
no trouble in this land of plenty. As a suggestion, 
however, suppose we should go to bed to-night under 
the present system and awake in the morning to find 
the new order of things in force in this county, what 
would we do ? Why, we would take it as coolly as 
cucumbers. The town officers would assume the 
management of affairs in their respective towns, and 
the board of supervisors would exercise such author- 
ity over the town boards as might be necessary for 



300 



TKY-SQUABE. 



the general welfare. The people would elect their 
officers just as they do now (except that vote-buying 
would cease), but their powers would be changed 
and increased by necessity (which makes and un- 
makes law), so as to resemble military officers in 
some respects. "Work will have to be done then as 
well as now, but no one will be required to do what 
he cannot do, and each will be selected to do that 
which he is best qualified to do. There will be no 
need of whisky and beer, and so the men now 
engaged in the manufacture and sale of that damned 
stuff will be put to some useful employment, and 
thus make work lighter for others; and the same 
thing will be true concerning lawyers, speculators, 
gamblers, bankers, brokers, usurers, real estate 
agents, insurance agents, commercial drummers, 
etc. We can also spare most of the judges, and 
with them we shall rid ourselves of mountains of 
perjury and other deviltry. Preachers of the right 
sort and teachers and good doctors will still be 
needed in their old occupations ; and we shall also 
have use for printers, and writers of poetry and 
fiction as well as other prose w^orks, also theaters 
and actors and artists generally; but everybody 
will work for everybody, and only get for compen- 
sation his living and such comforts, pleasures, and 
luxuries as the general prosperity wdll warrant, and 
the cultivation of selfishness will cease. There will 
be no objection then to labor-saving machinery — the 
more of that the better — nor will there be any more 
hue and cry about ''over-production" or "under- 
consumption;" and instead of opposing convict labor 
in such prisons as we shall then need, we shall all 



SOCIAL RECONSTRUCTION. 



301 



be glad to have them work fifteen hours a day at the 
most productive labor. Supplies will be dealt out 
somewhat as an army is furnished. In fact, I am 
quite disposed to believe that something similar to 
an army organization would be the most convenient 
and efficient means of government in many respects. ' 
In the early days of our common law the people 
were divided into Hundreds " (which is the aver- 
age size of a military company), and they were 
governed by the best kind of horse-sense to be had 
in that day. The family relation — the home — must 
not be interfered with (though I think the divorce 
laws should be so amended that two uncongenial 
souls shall not be compelled to live together in 
hatred forever); but for greater facilities of improve- 
ment, pleasures, etc., the residents of rural neighbor- 
hoods should be gathered into villages from two to 
five miles apart, and, where practicable, the field 
laborers should be conveyed to and from their work 
on railroads. The general government will assume 
control of all the railroads and other lines of trans- 
portation — also telegraph and telephone lines — and 
I think all necessary hotels for the accommodation 
of the traveling public should be maintained and 
managed by the government at large ; and that every 
citizen having a proper leave of absence should be 
permitted to travel by public conveyance, and be 
supplied by the public-houses, free. 

Under the new regime we shall not be obliged to 
eat bogus butter or other adulterated food, nor to 
wear shoddy clothing. There will be no trouble 
then about preserving and controlling the forests, 
nor the great wealth now stored in the bowels of thQ 



302 



TRY-SQUARE. 



earth. There will be no thieves then, because no 
man can own anj^thing, and money, as we now under- 
stand the word, will be unknown ; but, besides that, 
there will be no inducement to steal, for every per- 
son will be just as well off as every other person; 
and, further, there w411 be little opportunity to steal 
or to hide stolen goods, for every person will have 
to be carefully looked after and accounted for every 
day by the officers. In fact, as I said at the outset, 
all the evils that now vex mankind will be eradicated 
by extracting the root of all the trouble. Here- 
tofore, for thousands of years, all work against sin 
has been expended in hacking at its branches and 
twigs ; but I now propose to lay the ax earnestly 
and vigorously at its root to the best of my ability, 
and I have no more doubt that in the fullness of 
time a change will be effected substantially like 
what I have indicated than I have that water will 
continue to flow down hill. I tell you, my friends, 
we are on the wrong track, and we have got to 
change. We now have the option of acting promptly 
and voluntarily, and thus ushering in the new order 
of things gently and peaceably ; or we can pro- 
crastinate until a change is forced upon us, after a 
season of slaughter, destruction, and anarchy. I am 
ready to surrender my possessions immediately, if 
all will do so. Indeed, I believe there are millions 
of property-owners who, if they understood the 
proposition, would not only be willing, but glad to 
accept it, because (for one reason) they have found 
the care of property attended with great uncertainty 
and vexation. I fancy somebody is saying that, 
even if we are going wrong, we have been going 



PKODUCTION AND DISTRIBUTION. 



303 



tliat way so long, and everytliing lias become so 
fixed and settled, that it will be too bad to rip 
things all up and start over again. That is to say, 
in other words, the longer one has been steeped in 
sin the greater objection to his reformation ! That 
doctrine will hardly bear inspection. If an evil is of 
long standing, the more urgent is the need for speedy 
reformation. 

But in making this change extreme care must be 
taken to cause as little friction as possible, for no 
one now living is especially to blame, but the system 
itself is at fault. To save friction I would guarantee 
to every owner of property certain privileges in pro- 
portion to the size of his estate, but which privileges 
should not be transmitted, nor transmittible, to his 
descendants. I don't know as I would make any 
difference in the privileges granted to a man worth 
a million and one worth a hundred millions. I 
would give to both the full and free gratification 
during life of every proper desire, but they should 
be bereft of every power to oppress their fellow- 
men. 

A wise political economy will dictate that, so far as 
reasonably can be, production and consumption shall 
go hand in hand — that is, that the distance from the 
place of production of any article to the place where 
it is to be consumed shall be as short as possible. 
But, of course, there will be some articles that will 
have to be transported long distances. For instance, 
we here shall need oranges from Florida, and sugar 
and cotton from other southern points, and they in 
turn will need products that we can raise or manu- 
facture more easily than they can. 



304 



TRY-SQUARE. 



The town will probably be taken as the unit of 
common wealth, until a more suitable one has been 
discovered by experience. The general govern- 
ment should establish and maintain a just scale 
or schedule of values — equivalents — for all prod- 
ucts, and, in addition to doing all the transpor- 
tation between the various commonwealths of the 
common country, should also keep the accounts and 
adjust the balances between them. Doubtless, 
paper certificates v^'ould be convenient for the tem- 
porary adjustment of balances, but in the end they 
should be redeemed with something of actual value. 

"What shall we do with all our gold and silver 
when we no longer need it for money? Some of 
it we shall need for table ware and other uses, where 
we now use baser metals ; and some can be used for 
ornaments by those who now have none, and what 
we do not need for purposes of utility or art we can 
sell to the countries that are foolish enough to re- 
tain the old system; or, if we think best, we can cast 
it into blocks of half a ton each, and cord them up 
in the highways until wanted for some proper pur- 
pose. 

Under the new system we shall have so many more 
people than we now have to do the necessary work, 
that we can reduce the number of hours in a day's 
work to from four to six (possibly less), and we can 
also have at least two holidays in every week besides 
Sunday. Human beings will, of course, be just as 
ambitious for distinction then as now ; and some 
will, therefore, spend their spare time in experiment- 
ing, or trying to invent something new and useful, 
or in writing, painting, or other congenial work ; and 



THE REIGN OF BENEVOLENCE. 



305 



tlie government will encourage such efforts by offer- 
ing suitable rewards. Those who favorably dis- 
tinguish themselves will, doubtless, be exempted 
from certain kinds of service, or from full-time 
service, or from all service, according to their 
deserts. Perhaps some will be given certain priv- 
ileges of travel at home or abroad, or both ; and 
possibly all faithful ones will have a general respite, 
after reaching a certain age, during the remainder 
of their lives. 

If some one objects that we shall be restrained of 
our proper liberties, I ask him, in thunder tones, 
where are our boasted liberties now, when ninety- 
nine out of every hundred of us are bound to our 
daily tasks like galley-slaves with chains ? 

Under the new regime all the people, male and 
female, will be absolutely equal, and just as free as 
will be consistent with the best good of all. The 
reign of selfishness will have passed away, and the 
reign of "(benevolence will have begun. A man can 
then truly ''love his neighbor as himself," which has 
been impossible heretofore. We shall all be philan- 
throphists " in the good time coming," and we shall 
all be measured then by our merits instead of by our 
dollars. There will then be some truth in the say- 
ing that the world owes ever}^ man a living, but it 
will be true as to any particular person only when 
that person gives himself wholly to the world. 

As bribery and political corruption will be a^} an 
end, the government will be more truly democratic 
than ever before. Many of the officers we now have 
will be needed no more, and will be legislated away. 
The majority will rule in all things. If the majority 



306 



TRY-SQUARE. 



decide to build i3Yramids, then we shall build 
pyramids ; but there will be no slaver}- nor tyranny, 
and if we do build pyramids, the jobs will not be let 
to the devil by contract, and no scoundrel will get 
rich out of it by unbalanced bids," nor by grind- 
ing the face of the poor." 

What shall we do in case of war? Let us borrow 
no trouble about war. "We shall be just as well pre- 
j)ared for war then as we are now, and we don't seem 
to lie awake much nights at present thinking on that 
subject. But I hope we shall never have any more 
wars. I hope that the other nations of the earth 
will be so pleased with our changed condition that 
they will be induced to follow our example, and that 
in due process of time we shall have what Tennyson 
calls "the federation of the workL" 

I suggested January 1, 1900, as a date for the be- 
ginning of the new condition ; but in reality it ought 
to be brought about in one-half or one-third of that 
time. Only think of the incalculable amount of 
human suffering that is bottled up, as it were, in 
fifteen years of the old system ! But compassion for 
the poor is not our only need for haste to make the 
change. Let us see. I have a worthy neighbor who 
has a wife and six little children, and it would be 
incredible to strangers if told how fearfully near this 
family lives to the style of the primitive man. The 
man is a first-rate mechanic, and used to get good 
wages at regular intervals, but finally, when work at 
his trade became scarce, he became a common 
laborer, and for three or four years he has been 
working for a dollar a day the year round, and on 
that sum, in some inscrutable way, the family have 



SERIOUS BEFLECTIONS. " 307 

managed to keep soul and body together ; though, 
of course, they have lacked many of the things that 
most civilized people deem necessary to existence. 
Early this winter this man's employer, for economy's 
sake, discharged a part of his force, including my 
neighbor, and the poor man can find but little to do 
since. Though not highly educated, the man is 
naturally as intelligent and proud spirited as I am, 
and it makes me shudder sometimes to hear him " 
express his opinion concerning the present constitu- 
tion of society. Of course there is always the poor- 
house as a last resort for poor people, but, I think, 
my friend would rather cut his throat than to go 
there. My wife is doing for the family all they will 
let her do, which is much less than we would wish. 
I see no bright future for this family under the old 
system ; and then only to think that there are 
actually millions of people in our country to-day who 
are no better off than the family of my poor friend ! 

Suppose all of us, who now own all the property 
in the whole United States. (or in this State alone, if 
you please), should suddenly come to the conclusion 
that owing to the hard times we would quit busi- 
ness, and discharge most of our help. I think, in 
that case, we would instantly find ourselves right in 
the midst of chaos. This is no fanciful supposition ; 
for in some places, even now, the capitalists are 
compelled to do business and employ men solely to 
prevent disturbance, and possible destruction and 
violence. When this can no longer be done without 
serious loss it must and will cease, and then the 
deserving poor, like my poor friend, will be so multi- 
plied as soon to constitute a majority of our people^ 



308 



TRY-SQUARE. 



and Ave — property owners — will be absolutely at 
their mercy. I don't like to contemplate the possi- 
bilities of such a condition of things, and will not en- 
large the picture. I say again that five years is time 
enough in which to make the change. African 
slavery was substantially wiped out in less than 
three years, at the very time when it seemed 
strongest. I tell you, my friends, it don't take 'v^ery 
long for a revolution to revolve. 

Wisdom and prudence on our part demand that 
we should foresee the danger ahead," and endeavor 
to so manage affairs, while we retain control of 
them, that instead of waiting to be trampled under 
the feet of a mob, driven to desperation by tyranny 
too long endured, we shall ourselves become the 
leaders and guides of our less fortunate brethren in 
their transition from the Egypt, where they now are, 
through the wilderness incident to the change of 
condition, avoiding the Ked Sea, and conducting 
them safely to the Promised Land. Then we shall 
unite — old, young, high, low, iral i and female— in 
singing the grand chorus : 

Sound the loud timbrel o'er Egypt's dark sea ! 
Jehovah has triumphed — his people are free." 

Rep. I must add a few words here in justice to my- 
self as well as to Uncle Job. The last two chapters 
have been prepared, pruned, and condensed by me 
while under a distraction of mind bordering on in- 
sanity, caused by the sudden and complete loss of what 
I had flattered myself was an ample competence for 
my declining years. I have to some extent been 
borne up by the hope that the sale of this little book 



THE EEYIYALIST. 



309 



might partly replace my loss ; and the calamity and 
the hope have conspired to make me cut short my 
work at this point. If the public shall manifest a 
wish for more of the same sort, I promise them that, 
if life and health are spared me, they shall have 
all they want. 

It is due to the reader that I should give a brief 
hint of the latest news. Mr. Nash is doing wonders. 
He not only advocates the cause of the new party, 
as he travels over the country, but he also boldly 
preaches the gospel of Practical Religion, and he is 
making many converts. 

As winter approached, three of the Protestant 
churches united in holding a series of "revival 
meetings," and for that purpose employed an itiner- 
ant preacher, who styled himself an "evangelist," 
but whom Uncle Job called (in private) "a regular 
hell-fire preacher." He did, indeed, preach "hell- 
fire" in its most literal sense, and he actually ex- 
hibited drawings and paintings to illustrate the tor- 
ments of sinners in the several quarters of the 
''burning lake." He seemed to have been imported 
on purpose to counteract Uncle Job's great work; 
for, in his first effort in Pinville, without knowing 
any of the facts except from poisoned tongues, he 
waded into practical religion as though he expected 
to wipe it out by a sort of ecclesiastical bull. He said 
Uncle Job was ''The Antichrist,'' and that we were 
all " rebels against God," and that we would all hr^ve 
safe quarters in the world to come as " tenants of 
hell." Uncle Job paid no attention to this vitupera- 
tion, otherwise than to smile blandly when told of it. 
He only made one public mention of the revival 



310 



TEY-SQUARE. 



meetings during the nearly four weeks "of their 
duration, which was the first Sunday after the meet- 
ings commenced, when he said in substance — 

Sawyer. I hope everybody will attend the reviyal 
meetings at least once, and as much more as they 
wish to, and always in the spirit of the honest 
seeker after truth ; and if you become convinced 
that they have something better there than we have 
here, don't fail to embrace it with all your heart 
and strength, and then bring the "glad tidings" to 
us with all convenient speed. 

Eep. The revival meetings were reported to have 
been fairly successful (among the children mostly), 
but they drew no recruits from the Church of Practi- 
cal Eeligion. Every Sunday afternoon, in fair 
weather, even during the revival," from one 
thousand to thirteen hundred people (many of 
them from the rural districts) crowded the rink 
to hear Uncle Job ; and sometimes all could not get 
inside who wished to. 

One other point I must take room for. Good old 
Mrs. Evener, who sincerely thinks she holds com- 
munion with and receives impressions directly from 
a personal God, and who has faith enough to remove 
mountains (if such a thing can be accomplished by 
faith alone), has become sick of being connected 
with a church that is controlled by Mr. Badsinner 
and his gang, and she has actually united with us. 
She says she don't think we have religion enough, but 
that it is good so far as it goes ; and she says it is 
her mission to knock the scales from our eyes so 
that we may see the dazzling glory of God. She often 
speaks and prays in our meetings, and she is getting 



AN INCIDENT. 



311 



to be almost as mucli of a favorite witli us as Uncle 
Job is. 

A little incident which occurred some time ago is 
so characteristic of the old lady that I have (through 
Uncle Job) obtained her consent to its insertion 
here. Until now it has been a carefully guarded 
secret. One Sunday morning, about ten o'clock, 
Uncle Job went to Mr. Evener's house on an errand 
concerning a sick horse, and Mr. E., being outside, 
took him directly into the " wood-house " to get some 
required implement ; and there, to the great aston- 
ishment of both men, was Mrs. Evener in her shab- 
biest working suit, surrounded by dirt and hurly- 
burl3\ For a moment there was a tableau ; but 
presently — 

Sawyer. Why, Mrs. Evener, here you are in the 
very act of breaking one of the commandments ! I 
presume the facts will justify it under Practical 
Religion, but how do you justify it under your re- 
ligion ? 

Mrs. E. I had a wrestle with myself and with God 
over that question, and decided that it was right 
before I began. You know Christ said it was right 
to do good on the Sabbath. Well, this is our 
" catch-all and owing to several unavoidable 
causes it has become so filled and choked up with 
•old boots, old shoes, saw-bucks, kindling-wood, old 
stovepipe, old clothing, old fruit cans, old watering- 
pots, old bottles, and every other old thing.under the 
sun, besides lots and lots of dirt, that it had become 
a regular deviVs nest, and I couldn't see any hope of 
getting time to clean it out for a long way ahead 
unless I did it some Sunday. So here I am staying 



312 



TEY-SQUARE. 



from church, and working like a beaver. Don't you 
think I would make a pretty good picture of Chris- 
tian at Work?" 

Sawyer. I have no doubt that your conscience 
approves your action, and in such a case as this 
one's own conscience is all that ought to be con- 
sulted. Yet I don't think you need to feel so bad 
about the condition of this room. I guess it is as 
good as OUTS, and I have come to the conclusion that 
no family can be strictly called "well-regulated" 
without having, someivliere, just about such a place 
as this. But, Mrs. Evener, if your conscience was 
entirely clear, why were you so secret, and why so 
mortified when jou were discovered ? 

Mrs. E. I was not afraid of you, Mr. Sawyer, after 
I saw who it was, but we have some neighbors that 
I am more afraid of than I am of God. 



GOOD-BYE. 



INDEX. 



Adulteey, 72. 

Aim of the New Church, 28, IGO'. 
An assessor expelled, 153. 
Assessing property, 145. 

Badge of honor, 164, 261. 
Badsinner, Mr., 19; gets sued, 

97 ; runs for office, 103. 
Baldness, 114. 
Base beings, 173. 
Bible not rejected, 47, 48, 120. 
Bottle, Hon. Mr., 180. 
Brownwell, Parson, 9, 86, 104. 
Building pyramids, 806. 
Burglars in the house, 76. 

Candle, The, 263. 
Cankers, 116. 
Christ, 230. 

Christianity is sectarian, 162. 

Church trials, 145. 

Classes of society, 289. 

Communism, 290. 

Competition is the death of bus- 
iness, 294. 

Couflict bet;veen religion and 
science, 288. 

Confucius, 68. 

Conscience, 112. 

Conspiracy unearthed, 18; con- 
spiracy crushed, 22. 

Constitution, etc., of the New 
Church, 83. 

Corporations, 283. 

Cure for all the world's ills, 298. 

Dancing, 35, 56. 



Danger ahead, 308. 
Dangerous doctrine, 65. 
David and Goliath, 217. 
Deadbeats, 202. 
Death ? What is, 81. 
Devil, The, 119, 127; rebukmg 
sin, 206. 

Episode, 195, 198. 
Evolution, 51. 
Eye for an eye, 161. 

Fine preaching, 235. 
Fistula, Mr., 218, 223. 
Fruits of sin not proper church 
contributions, 220. 

Gambling, 73. 
Games, 35, 56. 
General Grant, 248. 
God defined, 43 ; and Mammon, 
221. 

Gold and silver corded up in 

highway, 304. 
Golden rule, 68. 

Hell (an artificial one), 68. 
Heroes (real ones), 253. 
Hero worship, 48. 
Holidays, 304. 
Humbug, General, 177. 

Infidels, 26. 
Intoxicating liquors, 74. 

Jinglebeeey, Mr., is bribed, 62. 



314 



INDEX. 



Law reform, 266. 
^Legal absurdities, 269, 280. 
'Litigation in the U. S. court, 282. 

Lying, 75, 77. 

Lynch law ought to be legalized, 
295. 

Man-eating, 91. 

Millennium receding from us, 

296. 
Miracles, 245. 

Money in elections, 165, 185, 254. 
Morality no part of religion, 163. 
Moses, his pious frauds, 232. • 

Nash, Gustavus, 24; denounces 
certain church-members, 224. 
New political party, 257. 
Newspaper press, 193. 

Oath, false official, 187. 
Orthodoxy, blocking wheels of 
progress, 27. 

Peculation by public officers, 
272. 

Pension frauds, 209. 
Political committees, 187. 
Political prostitutes, 169. 
Political wire-pullers, 180. 
Poor man no chance, 191,290,306. 
Practical education, 233. 
Practical religion briefly defined, 

244. 
Prayer, 38. 

Praying a stump out, 40. 
Priest and Levite, 71. 
Public print ino;, 276. 
Pulpit duties, 127, 140, 167. 
Puppet, Hon. Mr., 180. 



Resurrection, 246. 
Revival, 309. 

Revolution in a nut-shell, 285. 
Root of all evil, 297. 
Rubbish, clearing away of, 46. 

Sanitary matters, 237. 

Sawyer, Job, resolves to start 
New Church, 12; concludes to 
preach, 36 ; his biograph}^ 13 ; 
his old idol, 42; as a witness, 
58; his funeral speech, 80; 
tempted of the devil, 106; not 
a Freethinker, 121; performs 
a miracle, 245. 

Sexes, commingling of, 35. 

Shakspere epitomized, 229. 

Sin sure to be punished, 50. 

Sinners make their own hell, 66. 

Skillet, Mr., 196. 

Small men hold all the big places, 
190. 

Social meetings, 34. 
Suggestions to remedy political 

corruption, 192. 
Sunday observance, 94, 127. 
Sunday-schools, 33, o4. 
Supreme being, 119. 
Swearing, profane and pious, 93. 

Taxation, escaping from, 145, 
153 ; increased by corruption, 
188. 

The true Trinity, 46. 
Try-square, introduced and ex^ 

plained, 68, 70; applied anc| 

tested, 90, 159. 

Uses of Practical Religion, 123. 
Usury and interest, 278. 



Queen Elizabeth's oration, 100. Yote-buying, 165. 



Reform from the inside, 227. 
Reign of benevolence, 305. 
Repentance, 62, 222. 



Wages of sin, 177. 
What I live for, 125. 



RATIONAL COMMUNISM, 

THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE REPUBLIC OF 
NORTH AMERICA. 
BY A CAPITALIST. 

12mo^ 49Spp.y large type, People's ed., pap., 50c.; fine paper ^ silk cloth^ $1. 

. Contents.— The titles of some of the chapters are : Present External Appear- 
ance of Our Republic ; Government and Laws; Finance; Public Improvements 5 
Production and Distribution ; Education; Morality and Religion; Marriage and 
Divorce; Life in the New Republic; Life in the Existing Republic; Examination 
of the Objections to Communism; Methods Proposed for the Transition from the 
System of Individual Property to a System of Collective Property ; Danger. 

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author thinks, is in communal life, and he has drawn a vivid picture of the 
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on the principles of Rational Communism. 

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The millennium is described as brought about by the abolition of the system 
of individual property.— X Y. Herald. 

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in the interests of the people.— iVDAiCorz/ormisi. 

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SOCIAL WEALTH: 

Tlie Sole Factors end 
Exact Ratios in its Acquirement and Apportionment, 

In proceeding toward any given point, there is always one line which is 
shortest— The Straight ; so, in the conduct of human affairs, there is always 
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BY J. K. INCALLS. 
12mo, 320pp., large type, good paper, silk cloth, $1. 

Contents.— Economic Schools— A Brief Beview of their Origin and Growth? 
Eise and Growth of Capitalism ; Unearned Increase— Profit, Interest, Rent ; Con- 
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vate and Social Wealth ; Land Ownership ; Private Property in Land ; Capital and 
the Productive Factors ; Partnership and Co-operation ; Law of Contracts ; Money 
and Credit ; Of Value, or Economic Ratios ; Taxation as a Remedy ; Reforms, 
not Remedies; Suggestions to Legislators; Summary of Definitions— Economic 
and Isonomic, 

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earlier ages, civilism has inaugurated a war of cunning and fraud, whose 
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Shows throughout a complete mastery of the sub^'^Gi,— Sociologist. 
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A work of inestimable value in the new field of thought, and very clearly 
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A critical review of the various systems of property and labor in vogue for 
many ages.— Altruist. 

A study in political economy, and evinces wide erudition and deep thought.— - 
Yates Co. (N. Y.) Chronicle. 

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Takes radical ground and contains matter that not only advanced thinkers, 
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One of the best publications on this subject. Able, thorough, and logical. 
Many of the chapters are remarkable for their depth of thought, and are worth 
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The best Liberal juvenile book ever issued. Freethought families 
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Stirs and stimulates the noblest inspirations of its readers. Every 
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